People keep proposing to me then changing their mind....!!!!

[MinnieMousers]

Little baffled here after two engagements to me have been broken and I wanted to know if anyone can help me understand.

I've been engaged twice.

The first one I was 19, he was 23 and we were together 4 years. Madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

The second one I was 32, he was 36 and we were together 4 years too. Again madly in love. He proposed, then a year after the engagement ended it saying he didn't love me any more.

I'm not a Runaway Bride or anything. Aside from these two men I have never loved anyone else and have only had a handful of semi long term relationships.

I've been through all the grieving and devastation but find myself feeling a bit paranoid that there's something wrong with me and that if I love someone again the same will happen to me.

I kind of understand the first guy as we were very young, but the second one is just really confusing.

In both cases / both relationships:

1. They were very good relationships -no fighting, no problems, getting on as well as when we first met, seen as extremely solid by friends and family, fantastic sex life still............ right until they ended. As in - there was no warning bells the relationships were in trouble.

1. The men chased / pursued me and seemed to have very intense sort of love for me (think Twilight Edward) so I found it very surprising that they both "stopped".

1. Physical attraction hadn't waned - in fact I know that both men still find me attractive and hit on me when I see them.

1. Both men were good guys. Not commitment-phobes or arseholes and were general slow, steady, thoughtful men who would not propose unless they were really serious

1. There was no other women involved.

I'm not stupid and I understand "things change" and the more someone gets to know you, or through life changes etc. that feelings can come and go but I thought overall that it worked like this:

a) If someone has proposed to you it has gone past the infatuation phase and they are fairly certain they want to spend the rest of their life with you after having gotten to know you intimately.

b) Something drastic should happen to pull them off that course that I would / should have been somehow aware of. Like for example a reduction in kisses or texts to say "I love you".

c) People aren't meant to just randomly stop loving people....are they?

I am really struggling with this to the point where I find myself genuinely sitting there wondering whether to try and turn gay to avoid being hurt like this again. I'm completely serious. It's that bad!

I just want to know what the mechanism is. Surely if you love someone very deeply / you are madly in love / you are getting on great / you are best friends / you fancy the pants off them / you think they are a fantastic person....then WHY would you propose to them and then change your mind?

I really do want to get married, but am scared of being engaged again. I am worried there's some sort of 4 year maximum a person can go out with me before they miraculously realise their mistake.

I know I never stopped loving either man, so don't really understand how / why they did.

Please help.

No, I think if you are bi-curious (as I always have been) then considering dating the other sex isn't that far fetched and I do feel like if it was a woman ending the engagement she'd have told me why. I am not sure if that's sexist (sorry if it is) but most men I know are not that good at expression emotions or explaining what they feel. I can handle more heartbreak - just not more shock.

BeCool I think it is obvious that she doesnt think that and it was a throwaway comment with no malice involved.

Presciousbane I don't think I am too willing or compliant. Most boyfriends describe me as a bit feisty, but I am very devoted to people if I love them. My Mum says I was too nice to my ex :(

And yes, we never really argued. In both relationships if I got upset about anything they would instantly apologise and beg me to forgive them, so impossible to argue. Neither of them ever rally raised anything I said or did as a problem. I do see how weird that is but being naive I just thought we got on well and we were particularly lucky. Makes me feel sick to think that I might have been doing stuff they didn't like and they never said :(

I have done the old cancelling everything when my first engagement was broken. To be honest, it was my idea to end the engagement but I let it go on for too long because of the humiliation of it, and because I felt I was letting people down. It is such a difficult time and I feel for you, especially if you still love him.

Minnie think they thought they loved you that much, but in reality it wasnt the same as what you felt for them.

Getting married doesnt mean that someone is not a commitmentphobe. You can be married without being committed. Commitment is in the heart and the brain, a ring on the finger doesnt mean anything. They are both keeping in touch with you, why? do your other exes do that? Who texts/calls who first?

WrigleysBum. A friend told me exactly that. But for some reason ALL men approach me that way and i don't know what I am putting out there to attract it.

Men/people are bastards - yes it's happened to me too, don't think I'll ever trust anyone again!

I dont think you knew the real them at all.

Sorry to say that but what you say about "no arguments" makes me think that they were both determined to keep up the perfect image and didnt really care the other stuff. Then when it became clear that acting as Mr Perfect was unsustainable (or another chase caught their interest), they finished with you.

I dont want to hurt you, I really dont, but the fact that they both walked away without so much as a backward glance suggests that no they didnt really love you. That is because THEY are damaged, not you. And if they truly are damaged there is no point you trying to figure out why they did what they did. They wont know, so there is no way they will ever be able to explain it to you.

The best thing you can do is cut contact with them both, but you dont want to do you?

Bogeyface, I know that's the case. I believe for sure they both thought they loved me as much. I just don't understand though really.

In terms of the first one, we are still in the same group of uni friends, so we see each other occasionally. Both of us email or Facebook the other one and our families are close. I was his sisters bridesmaid a couple of months ago. She told me that he has told her several times that he married the wrong person and still loves me, so there's a tiny bit of comfort in that.

The second one, I admit, we both message each other. I feel a lot of anger at him but his rejection was so powerful and the loss of his adoration hit me hard so I suppose I still enjoy his attention. Sorry. I know that's weak. He sometimes calls. He showed up at my house a few days ago which is what got me thinking on this track really. He says the attraction to me is magnetic. I know I need to tell him to fuck off.

If that is the way men generally approach you then I would guess that a certain type of man sees something in you which makes you susceptible to the Mills &Boon school of romance.

There is something needy and damaged in them. They know many (most?) women would not fall for it/be flattered by it/ or find it attractive.

So they become very good at knowing how to spot a vulnerability. Possibly someone else just as keen to be adored.

That makes it sound more of a cynical move than it possibly is. I imagine a lot of it is instinctive, in the same way most people instinctively know which people are equals and which would be out of their league (in either direction).

Bogeyface, I won't ever cut contact with the first one. He wasn't cruel and he is generally a good friend. Was very supportive over the second broken engagement and he also lives in America so hardly ever see him.

The second guy I definitely need to block out of my life and I will. Just mustering the self esteem.

Don't worry about saying things that might hurt. I would much rather know. I really want to just work it out so I can protect myself from this again.

I think you are seeing a pattern when there isn't one

In your first, teenage romance,you never lived together or made wedding plans. The proposal was more of a band aid to keep the relationship together. That failed when you went away to university, grew up, etc. Perfectly understandable, happens all the time although an engagement ring is not always involved, the pain is just the same but we all move on.

It's the unexpected breakup of your 2nd, real, living together & planning a wedding engagement that has quite rightly knocked you for six. You're looking for answers, but I think that seeing a pattern with the first pseudo-engagement and concluding that this keeps happening to you is misleading.

You need to ask your recent fiancé why.
I don't think the fact that he was married before proves that he's not afraid of commitment now. In fact I think it's quite likely that his divorce has made him afraid of committing again

WrigleysBum...I will admit...if a guy isn't adoring it turns me off and makes e think they don't like me

I think you really do need to get some talking therapy to go over why you cant get rid of them, why you attract these men and why you stay with them.

It is not a criticism, we all have parts of us that dont do the sensible thing (I always fall for the bad boys. That just means I end up with abusive cheating wankers, its not as sexy in real life as it is in my head. I will be going back to therapy about that as soon as I can afford it.). You dont need to understand why they do what they do, you need to understant why you do what you do, only then can you change the pattern of behaviour in your own life.

I will admit...if a guy isn't adoring it turns me off and makes e think they don't like me

Which is why you fall for the man with the line in patter and not the man who loves you truly, madly, deeply but will point out when you are being a pain the arse!

Have you had men who you know loved you but didnt do the "bended knee, forgive me" stuff, but expected to deal with disagreements and move on?

I stayed with them because I loved being with them, liked the same stuff, talked all night, had great physical chemistry, thought they were great. I mean -from my side the love was completely genuine.

I do get that I should probably change the type of man I am attracted to but they basically sweep me off my feet.

The first one, I was 15 he was 19. I was in a bar (yes, young I know) and gave my number to a man and he saw me do it and paid £50 for the beermat I'd written it on. Called me that night and told me he was going to marry me. Showed up shortly after that at my door and told my parents the same. Then he was just adorable...floppy hair, guitar, kind and gentle and funny and we got on. I was only friends with him for 6 months first but he never stopped being like that with me.

Maybe I was drawn to the second man because he was similar in his pursuit and I was trying to replace what I lost in the first man.

Being honest the first man was probably my great love and I never really stopped being sad about it.

It wasn't creepy. Just sort of sweet. In both cases they were a bit awkward. No casanovas or anything.

Do you think that being in touch with the first man in the way you have has stopped you getting over him? Hence why you ended up with man 2?

My first love will always have a special place in my heart, but he is married and happy and thats that. I dont love him anymore, but he will always be special to me. I was heartbroken at the time but I got over it, because I didnt keep reopening the wound by seeing him/talking to him etc. We are in touch now, thanks to FB and I am FB friends with his wife too, all is good. I dont think "Ah if only...." just "oh those were the days!".

Maybe Bogey. I am not in close touch though. I do think I am over him. He is just probably reminiscent of the happiest time of my life. Same for everyone with first loves I am sure.

Not the same for everyone, at all! I look back on my first love ( was also with him from 15 to 19) and thank all the gods I didn't marry him!

I think two broken engagements in your case isn't really a pattern. The first guy just sounds too young and immature. The second guy you need to stay away from. I would have a think about needing someone to adore you though, that isn't really healthy. My husband thinks I'm the best person ever, but I'd hate it if he went around worshipping me!

In terms of the first one ... I was his sisters bridesmaid a couple of months ago. She told me that he has told her several times that he married the wrong person and still loves me, so there's a tiny bit of comfort in that.

The only reason that would give me 'comfort' would be that I wasn't married to such a disloyal man. Does it sound like he's entirely truly committed to his wife? I don't mean that as an opening for you, more that he's married and he's not chosen (and it is a choice) to totally commit and act in a loyal way. Even if he thinks this, saying it to others is pretty awful. His poor wife.

The second one ... He sometimes calls. He showed up at my house a few days ago which is what got me thinking on this track really. He says the attraction to me is magnetic. I know I need to tell him to fuck off.

Yes you really do. Honestly considering you lived together his behaviour doesn't sound like that of a man who was in a 'grown up' relationship. He sounds like he's trying to keep you dangling, just like others above speculated even before hearing this. Get rid. He will announce undying love but don't go there. He will be repeating a pattern.

I'm not sure that all guys do react to you with adoration, but they are the easiest to notice and this is particularly true if it's what you respond to.

Hell, even I remember those guys that approached me during my teens with a proposal rather than the more normal guys who showed interest with a polite smile or asking me about my interests. And for me, that full on approach is a huge turn off. It is memorable though.

Although you say you started as friends, it's not truly a friendship when they are turning up serenading you. It's a pursuit. You do need to examine why te adoration is attractive to you as that is going to make you gravitate towards damaged, possibly controlling men who can't offer a stable relationship.

If you tell the one who have broken up with most recently that you want to move on and are breaking all ties with him, he will be calling begging you to come back.

I agree with the comments above that for these men were focused on the chase. It ties in with the adoration. They wanted the romantic film version of a relationship with the perfect storyline and the ultimate love. Unfortunately real life isn't like that and they couldn't keep it up. Your ex with his magnetic attraction is part of the story too. The perfect love that cannot be.

Your first engagement was so young that I think it is not that odd that it didn't work. So if I were you I would try to think that you have met one loser to whom you had the misfortune to become engaged, rather than that this is a pattern in your life.

I would also look into your own ideas of what relationships are. Adoration is not sustainable or healthy. Adoration requires two perfect people who never put a foot wrong and that is unrealistic.

Listen to people here.
What you fall for are classic red flags.
You do need to detach from both, stay single for a while and sort out why you need such adoration from a partner.
It's not sweet. It takes a lot of effort from them and it's not sustainable.
Your first one either went for the woman who actually accepted him for what he was and is missing the thrill of conquering a woman, or is simply a player. He told his sister so that she'd tell you.