Embarassing, but self-confidence is awful (and affecting my ability to remember that my ex is a piece of shit) WWYD?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Don't feel I can talk to friends/family about this as it's really embarassing tbh.

I've struggled with depression every since some severe bullying between the ages of 13-17. (I'm now 23 so it's been 10yrs since my first ever bout of depression and used to self harm, from 13 til 17). Have been in hospital twice for severe anxiety/depression now which I find really embarassing and most people don't know in rl. I know it's not something you can fully control but people often mistake it as a sign of weakness/not trying etc. (As a shit friend once summed it up 'Oh well I've always been quite strong minded so it's never happened to me...').

I'm much stronger now than I was initially after I left school etc. And having DS was quite a healing experience. But there have been lots of issues (he was born with a orthopedic issue that's only now, at four years old 'sorted', I've been a lone parent the whole time, had to live in a B&B for a while until I found a place etc). So it's safe to say it's been very up and down. I feel much better now but split from ex 3 months ago and still find myself feeling lonely and shitty. He was awful post-split. He was a useless BF but he really upped his twat-game after. Had to call the police twice and then he threatend to kill himself, blaming me. I called his bluff and rang the police again (he wasn't suicidal, obviously but glad I called as he got a right bollocking).

Anway, been no contact which is working well but still find myself dwelling etc. I have to keep reminding myself that he was a piece of shit. Doesn't help that family all think he was just this poor man-child who was sad at being dumped. It's not ok. Someone who does that can't be that nice can they? I would never in a million years treat someone that way or try to manipulate them so cruely, especially if I knew they actually had a history of MH issues themselves. He presents himself so nicely though (don't they all) and it just makes me feel crap that I've come out of it as the bitch. And I'm so annoyed at myself for staying with him for too long and putting up with mistreatment.

Not even sure what I'm asking for but I just needed to vent. On the plus side, I'm moving in a few weeks. He walks past for work everyday which makes me so uncomfortable.

Ex is not DS's dad. And we were together 1 1/2 years. He never helped though so still consider myself having been a lone parent who just happened to have a useless BF for a while too long.

Oh and before anyone asks, I did post before.

one just before we split

and another one when I called the police

Forgot to add also undergoing investigation for long running bowel stuff. Susepcted Crohn's/colitis. Having a flare up this fortnight which is no doubt making me feel worse. Trying not to think about it for now.

Don't have much to give in the way of advice, but reading about all you have gone through within such a short time, at such a young age, I'm mainly impressed at how you are doing your best to manage this so independently and maturely, and with so little complaint. Especially considering your struggle with depression. To be honest, if anything you could cut yourself a little slack, let the high standards you are setting yourself slide a bit more, forgive yourself for trying to maintain a relationship for a few years and not expect yourself to be over this too quickly.

'Dwelling' IME is more likely when you have nothing (or no-one) better to do or think about. If your ex was particularly hard work emotionally, that type tend to prey on your mind for long after the relationship ends. If your family aren't sympathetic, want to minimise his behaviour or want to blame you, then don't talk to them about him but remember their attitude for the next time one of them needs a bit of sympathy....

You may need some personal counselling to help you improve your confidence. However, just reading your post, you actually sound quite strong, resourceful and realistic. You've raised your child yourself, coped with poor accommodation, survived depression and other bad experiences, you called the police on the ex (many don't find the courage) and you're moving house now. You sound angry with others rather than yourself and that's a very positive thing indeed. I'm hearing 'regret' and 'annoyance' rather than 'self-reproach'.

Don't know if any of that makes you feel any better but you strike me as someone who has quite a lot going for them, has been knocked rather than knocked back, and now needs a little more encouragement and guidance to make the most of a fresh start.

Thank you. I never think of it like that but I guess quite a lot has happened in the last decade. I can be guilty of high standards. I just feel like I should've known better about ex but then it took ages for him to 'reveal' himself. He was lovely for the first year then as soon as I got ill (had a bad bout of anxiety last year) he changed. I think he thought he 'had' me then because I was vulnerable. He underestimated me, that's for sure. Couldn't believe I dumped him! And said no one else would take me on Idiot.

Thanks Cog.

You gave me some very good advice before I NC too. (Used to be TheOrchardKeeper). Took me a while to actually take it but I did.

I know I'm not depressed at the moment, which is a plus. I've had lots of counselling/cbt in the past which I use at times like this. Just can't quite shake it off yet. I guess it's normal/time heals etc. It's just frustrating and I don't want to think about ex at all as he isn't worth a second of my time. But he really dug in there emotionally so I suppose that'll take time too.

The best thing to come out of the split was that I directed the anger (initially) at sorting the housing situation and basically irritating the hell out of my local council. I've been in a 1 bed for 2 years with DS and it's just crap now he's older. So that's one thing.

I think it's more than 'one thing', it's a huge thing! :) The alternative would have been to do nothing at all and sink further into depression. But you've taken control of your own life, got angry with the right people, made yourself a bit of a PITA to get a new place and IMHO that's a working definition of 'assertive'.

Shit happens, people let you down and life is full of disappointments. But if you are assertive you are going to be more resilient than if you passively take it all on the chin. Time heals and it heals quicker if you're actively doing something to improve your life rather than sitting waiting for others to come to your rescue.

I think others reading your story would actually wish they had your guts. I don't know what you do for a living but if you can irritate the hell out of a council, that's a skill others would pay to have on their team... :)

I volunteer at a food-bank/daily kitchen for local homeless/generally poor/DV victims (new ones from the local refuge normally need the help in the first few weeks but never stay long). Looking for paid work too once we've moved. Missed it so much over the holidays though as it makes you feel pretty good to be working, even if it's not paid. And it's always nice to help others.

Being assertive is always the first thing to go if I'm 'ill' but I did not want ex to take that from me. He had everything his way when we were together! He wasn't going to do that to me after. But it does feel like I'm just faking it a bit wrt the 'strong single parent' thing. Just sort of faking it til I (hopefully) make it/feel it.

It realllly helps to vent a bit. My family are crap about ex. Poor old ex He really loved me, he couldn't let me go (err that's also known as harassment DM) .

People will respond to what you say and how you appear rather than how you feel. If you act like a strong person you'll be treated as a strong person. 'Faking it' is what gets most of us through the day... or it does me at any rate :)

True!

I was much lower right after the split, so I know I'm out of the woods with that. Just wish I could stop dwelling as much. I do the mindfullness stuff which helps, and the c is good for the intrusive thoughts too but you can only do so much. Keep having vivid nightmares about him too (quite often involve me practically trying to kill his sister...who threatened to call social services on me she obviously had no idea my health visitor was well aware of my MH past). Think it's because if anything I supress a lot of my anger as it makes me uncomfortable, so it all comes out when I sleep!

DS goes back to nursery this week and I start volunteering and learning to drive again which will be a massive help in the day. I just need more in my life than I've had over the summer. It always tricky with small kids and school holidays!

Nightmares are normal after experiencing emotional trauma. You're trying to kill his sister and in mine I would be repeatedly slapping the ex around the face (and I'm not a violent person, I assure you). Annoyingly he would be acting very nonchalantly and saying nothing. Yes, it's the anger of frustration.

Volunteering and learning to drive sound nicely absorbing. I think you'll be OK.

I couldn't believe his family/he himself used my health stuff against me to try and score points. I knew he was a bit crap but he was actually a total shit, whose mother blew smoke up his arse about how great he was (he's 28 next month and still lives at home). And he obviously didn't tell his family about the police until the 2nd visit, because they showed up at his house that time.

It did just make me a little bit nocturnally-murderous .

And I suppose you're right. If someone dug their way into your psyche then ripping them out isn't going to be very pleasent!

'Ripping them out' isn't pleasant because - in part - you're wondering just what in the hell you were thinking. I'm 20 years on (yes you read that right) from being married to a man who turned out to be a self-absorbed wanker with 'issues' and, even now, I get the odd forehead-slapping 'WTF!' moment when I remember something he said or did. You're not going to forget them quickly but you'll find workarounds.

He must have been something! It reassuring to hear that though. I still feel a bit like that about another ex but now rarely think of him and it's usually only when my memory is jogged/I bump into him.

It's definitely a case of 'wtf was I thinking'. I'll certainly never date a man who lives with his mum again or one who dresses like a teen rather than an adult. Band t-shirts and skate shoes should have been a giveaway that he was an immature twat

I get anxiety dreams about leaving the dog locked up with no food; think it is about being responsible for the children, maybe, or about being accused of being a bad person.

It does take your breath away when someone who was supposed to love you does such openly nasty, below-the-belt stuff, doesn't it? And so brazenly, as if they are absolutely entitled and right to treat you like that. Just leaves you open-mouthed in one big "Huuuuuuuh?!"

^ And yes, he really is turning 28 next month, despite his 15yr old dress sense and the fact he's still his mother's 'brown eyed boy' (a genuine nick name ).

I feel more annoyed that to me it feels like he was low level emotionally abusive, certainly more so over time. He tried to shut me down and make me feel like things were my fault. And I was supposed to be grateful he was with me because of my "flaws" etc. That's not healthy. No decent person would want the person they loved to feel that way or would treat them with duch disrespect. But a lot of people just see the hurt-little-lamb act and think I'm being a witch.

But I shoukd ignore that. I know how I felt and that was all down to him at the end of the relationship. He was grinding me down. And it wasn't my fault.

Raven - That's it exactly. I thought I at least knew what level of cheeky bastard I was dealing with. But he really did just keep on rising the bar post split. If I'd know he had the potential to be like that I'd have left much sooner. But it did highlight what I already suspected (that he had no respect for my boundaries/didn't really care about me as a person, he just didn't want to 'lose', in whatever way).

Think it was a life-lesson I had to learn though. It is very hard to truly know someone or how someone will react to certain situations. And people will always present the best sides of them first. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is!

"It is very hard to truly know someone or how someone will react to certain situations"

I think it's a pretty common experience to start out thinking that other people are essentially the same as yourself, have the same standards, etc and it's a nasty shock when you realise that other people can be nasty little two-faced, lying shits! After being bullied as a kid I'd have thought you'd be more cynical. Then again 'love' can do funny things to your judgement or, as my best friend would put it, "when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window"

Perhaps bullying gives the impression that the world is divided into bullies and non-bullies, bad and good, so that you can't believe someone you see as good might then do something bad?

I never fell in love with any of my bullies before they started bullying me. Had never had that experience and will certainly be more careful in the future. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.

I'd never had a relationship of that length before so wasn't sure when the 'veil' would drop, so to speak. I have a feeling if I'd stayed he'd have become pretty nasty anyway. That was just him. He wasn't an outright abusive twat, and I think half of it was subconcious anyway down to his own issues, which is in a way harder to detect that cold, hard manipulation tactics. I know of all the red flags you should watch out for but he sort of snuck under my radar at first.

I certainly worry about upsetting others a bit too much/hurting their feelings Raven (Because I know all too well how it feels to be on the receiving end). I can be 'too nice'. I gave ex the benefit of the doubt when I should have gone with my gut.

It's hardened me a bit though, which I don't think is a bad thing really. I should've been more careful and will be in the future.

Also comfort eat a bit since I had DS. Never did before but then nothing is quite as taxing on you as bringing up a little one alone. Not in poor-me way. I chose to keep him so I signed up for it and he's a lovely boy. But parenting just is knackering, especially alone. But need to keep a handle on it as it obviously affects your mood etc if you eat too much crap. Just really went for it at first with the bad-breakup-ice-cream-and-crap-diet for a while!

At least I made it through the summer hols in one piece, which is more than I can say for last year!