Feeling left behind

[outtolunchagain]

First I have to say that I have a very happy marriage , I don't want to leave or anything , I love him and we have been together for nearly 30 years , married for 24.But I just can't help feeling that my life is tuck whist his is moving on and the childrens is moving on .

Dh has reached quite a high level in his career and has recently been promoted , this Board director level , although it's a different structure.I am pleased for him, he is enjoying his new role tremendously but the hours are long .He has always worked very long hours , the norm would be home about 9pm leaving home 7 ish, but I'm nearly 50 and I am fed up with it , I am oncreasingly frustrated that I am on my own all the time .

Added to this in the last five years he has got into a new hobby, the type of thing that becomes a passion , I know because this was my hobby as a preteen and teenager .So far it has been mainly confirmed to the weekends but it has recently escalated , and now he will be more committed .

So he has his new job, his hobby and what do I have ; a job that is Ok , it is hugely convenient and but it's not what I thought I would be doing after a degree from top university and years of study, I live in the area where dh grew up, his parents have been amazing but it's very claustrophobic ( think small market town where everyone knows you) I live in a house I don't like, it's a very convenient house for everyone else but I don't love it , or feel like it's my home IYSWIM

I do have hobbies but they tend to be home based and they are not passions , I don't have time for a passion, we have three children
, two have additional needs , one quite significant plus one still at school, I have a good social life and friends but I just feel unfulfilled and as if I am being left behind

I don't know how to stop feeling like this
I've

Hi
I am ten years younger than you but found myself in the same position at 29,found myself in a similar position. It is like that diet or exercise you are always GOING to do.... You just have to grab the bull by the horns and do it. Yes your husband and dc may have to bend a little, but have you not given them years [and years] of your life? I changed everything when I felt like you, I feel so much better now. First sort your job situation out, if you really have to work, then you need to get yourself a job you want to get out of bed in a morning for, no excuses, no thinking of everyone else, find something, part time if need be while everyone gets used to the change.

Next, you need to move, your husband needs to compromise it isn't just his call, if he can buy a bloody horse, you can decide TOGETHER where you live, put your foot down.

Start with a list of small things you want to do but feel your not allowed to do, then do them anyway and tick off the list where applicable.

I started standing up for myself more, told family to back off because I needed time when I wasn't at work to do what I wanted with my time, not what they expected. I started valuing myself more, I am now getting a lot more respect from others, from my DC, from my husband, because it is all very well being a Martyr but you only get one life and quite honestly, in my bitter experience your no better thought of for it. People just seem to crap on you from higher above... Please take this post as support it isn't meant as anything else..I really hope your life begins now you deserve it. Just thought it might help to share what I have been through to go from feeling like you to getting to 37 and feeling really very happy!! Good luck x

I think I got it wrong earlier. This isn't about houses, children, jobs, hobbies etc it's about being valued. You're married because you wanted to be with someone. But you're not with them... they're always off doing something else bigger, brighter, better and seemingly more important/urgent/interesting than you are. Being low down in his priorities is lonely and loneliness is not resolved by doing your own thing or hiring a nanny. What I think you want is for him to say 'I've got this thing I'm supposed to be doing but I've turned them down because you're more important to me'

Is that nearer the mark?

I think that is a big part of it , but I also think it's about hating the fact that I am dependent on someone else for my happiness/ fulfilment .I want to be able to make decisions about my life and future without always having to take into account other people.

It's easy to say " well just do it" but in reality that doesn't work that way despite me actually having a good go at making it work .when I had my bigger job he made all the right noises about being around more but it never happened , his job isn't a job it's a way of life ,he makes little distinction between home and work it's all just his life .I made complex arrangements for child are and cover but in the end it just wasn't tenable .

I have lost count of the number of times I have tried to commit to evening classes etc , all hopeless , that's not so bad now because the dc are led enough to leave.

like I say he is so happy that I felt I couldn't veto , he does have a bit of a mid life crisis thing going on a bit I think

But - so are you having a bit of a mid-life crisis - but you don't feel entitled so you can't ask for a horse or it's equivalent. You would always consider the impact on the rest of the family. If you had said: 'Darling I've bought a horse and I'm going be riding it at the weekends' - he would have had to look after the children - I'm sure he would have had something to say about that.

What is the thing that makes you so happy doing that your husband couldn't veto it - I think you should find it - because he's going absolutely for what he wants.

As I said, my sister has always been a keen rider, she kept a pony at her godmother's growing up, (in Surrey, as we lived in London). She's always been a mad keen rider, so I know exactly what it's like to be related to someone who's crazy about horses. But - in the end the pony she bought the children didn't fit in with family life, so it went.

I could understand if he'd bought a pony for you & the children to ride too, - it could be for the whole family. But it's just for him and it's taking him away from you, and away from the responsibility of the childcare, which, with special needs children can be really gruelling.

I totally get working long hours, but, by way of contrast, because my husband works long hours his time with his family is really precious to him. Your husband should want to spend that time with you & the children.

I feel for you, I'm going through similar. I'm just retraining and the theory was that I get the support from DH that he got from me for his career. I don't get notice when my DH goes away and he's away a lot. He'll be missing our DD's first day back at school next week and never thought to check before booking that week for a work trip out of the country to the factory. I've got 2 exams within that week too as well as other things and I'd have liked to have him support me.

I realised I was miserable and it needed to find me to make myself happy and not rely on him to do it. I was scared out relationship would suffer because his hours are immense and with me at home it meant any time he did get at home was quality time and he could relax. I took a difficult decision to sell my horse as I knew I couldn't balance study and horse and couldn't justify full livery for her when the only time I'd have would eat into the small amount of time we'd get at the weekend, if he wasn't working.

So now, we are going through a process of adjustment. Ultimately though, I realise he's not prepared to alter to stick to normalish more predictable hours that our family needs. This means that although I'll have retrained to start a career, it'll have to be to work for myself from home to save hours on the commute (2 roads out of a town with nearly 80,000 people so terrible traffic) because somebody needs to provide a stable and structured home life for our daughter, it won't be him and it's hard because I realise he's overly committed to the job as the expense of the family, and me.

I now know I'll never have the freedoms he has had for his job. It's not fair but I'm doing what I can to be the best I can and still fit around the needs of the other 2 whose needs come first and whilst that means less hours and being self employed, at least I'll have a career I'll enjoy and can out more into when DD is older. I'm looking to make myself happy as making others happy is no longer enough for me.

Is there somewhere in your current house that you can carve out for yourself? Rather than hating the whole house can you do something practical to make it nicer? See it as a project - plan it all out?

I'm trying to come up with practical help to give you a reason to get out of bed and look forward to the day. The changes you want to happen are so big and involve a lot of people so I wondered if making a small change would make you feel more in control.

I'm fine I get up OK and I get on with the day etc, we have done quite a lot to the house and I can live with it and am hoping to convert the summer house into a craft room but it just isn't a home. We will be fine in it but I do long to love my home , we've done alsorts but it still feels just like somewhere I live , sort of functional I suppose .it would be lovely to live somewhere that lifts my heart .

Can you pinpoint what's missing?

I think this is one situation where I won't say LTB! If you do, he will be able to do even more of what he wants and you will be able to do even less.

Telling you to go away for a weekend doesn't really help, IMO, because it doesn't have much of an impact on everyday life. It would work maybe if the OP was completely exhausted, but she sounds more bored than tired.

OP, arrange a session with a good life coach. Several here have been to them; perhaps PM them and ask for contact details. You're right in one way to start to worry, given your age, but in another way you do have plenty of time and you need to find out how you can spend it so that you're more fulfilled.

Didn't sleep very much for thinking about this last night, it seems that now I have opened the flood ages I can't stop thinking !

What's missing I think is my life, it's not that the life I have is bad it's just not my life , I had so many plans when I was younger , traveling, working abroad, being active politically, having a home to love ( didn't really have a home after age 12 as parents separated and DM lived abroad).then I fell in love , got married and got pregnant , none of which I regret it's just that the I didn't realise I was going to sacrifice so much for it .

I thought that by now I would have been able to return to some of my ambitions , my plans etc.

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans so they say :)

It seems to me that you're hankering after a life lost rather than looking at a life lived.

In all those years look at how much you've accomplished, you didn't stop being you - you merely adapted to the circumstances you were in.

If you can't change the circumstances you're in now then the only thing you can change is your attitude to it. You sound a bit lost, a lot undervalued and a bit envious.

Not that it helps you but I wanted to be a vet, have kids, work for the Foreign Office and be a translator. What I actually got was a workaholic husband, no kids and no chance of a career but I adapted. I get very lonely and I'm bored rigid, a bit lost and way undervalued which is why your post resonates with me.

What one thing can you do today to make it better?

You dont want to rain on his parade/horse but he doesn't flinch about raining on yours! Ah well he says, that's just how it goes, never mind.

My dear, you're going to have to carve out of rock what you want. You're not going to get it otherwise. Mum/wife always comes bottom of the pile - stop that! Or your kids will expect it from mum/wife in their adult relationships (as your husband expects it from you: mummy/wifey subsumes her life in the family/marriage?)

He didn't get where he is without being single-minded - at the expense of his soft skills by the sound if it. Oops he realised he was neglecting his boy - now he's got to realise oops he's neglecting his wife. I wouldn't talk iiwy, now's the time to do . you've done all the talking, he comes up with excuses and platitudes.

Right am going to sit down and write a list of things to achieve and things to change .Funny thing is at New Year he told a friend that his aim for this year was to spend mo time with me !

Too late bad, you're going to be busy

Great start! Lists really channel the mind - plus it's way better than thinking you're flotsam

If you lived anywhere near me I'd buy you a coffee and brainstorm with you. Good luck!

Cardigal, if you have no kids and your husband's at work all the time, why can't you have a career? I'm not saying you can be a vet in the Foreign Office now but you can still have a career.

Good point imperial I should have mentioned it was a long time ago now and instead of careering I followed DH around the world. Now he's retired and we're enjoying life together. I do get lonely and bored but that's my doing. Travelling doesn't do well for long-term friendships. I'm now a bit past caring about a career and don't really want to go out to work all day if I'm honest! Plus my CV has a 25 yr gap in it