Feeling left behind

[outtolunchagain]

First I have to say that I have a very happy marriage , I don't want to leave or anything , I love him and we have been together for nearly 30 years , married for 24.But I just can't help feeling that my life is tuck whist his is moving on and the childrens is moving on .

Dh has reached quite a high level in his career and has recently been promoted , this Board director level , although it's a different structure.I am pleased for him, he is enjoying his new role tremendously but the hours are long .He has always worked very long hours , the norm would be home about 9pm leaving home 7 ish, but I'm nearly 50 and I am fed up with it , I am oncreasingly frustrated that I am on my own all the time .

Added to this in the last five years he has got into a new hobby, the type of thing that becomes a passion , I know because this was my hobby as a preteen and teenager .So far it has been mainly confirmed to the weekends but it has recently escalated , and now he will be more committed .

So he has his new job, his hobby and what do I have ; a job that is Ok , it is hugely convenient and but it's not what I thought I would be doing after a degree from top university and years of study, I live in the area where dh grew up, his parents have been amazing but it's very claustrophobic ( think small market town where everyone knows you) I live in a house I don't like, it's a very convenient house for everyone else but I don't love it , or feel like it's my home IYSWIM

I do have hobbies but they tend to be home based and they are not passions , I don't have time for a passion, we have three children
, two have additional needs , one quite significant plus one still at school, I have a good social life and friends but I just feel unfulfilled and as if I am being left behind

I don't know how to stop feeling like this
I've

Also quite a few friends are now moving on , their children are moving on and they are starting to do more things for themselves and I am having to accept that one , maybe two of our children are not going to move on , they will always be at home , so when people say oh you can downsize , travel more , work more etc , I smile and nod and inwardly shrivel because mine won't and much as I love them I would like more of my life back and I am envious

Life coaching might be the right thing for you.

I used it when I felt a bit trapped by circumstance. It helped a lot. Turned out I was much less trapped than I thought.

Why was what you want to do ruled out? Let's start there and see if we can find ways around it.

I feel for you, I am in a similar position. I know what I want to do but I "can't" do it because of life. I am making some changes with a goal of starting up in a year or two...

ahhhh,

knowing what you want is a much more tricky matter!

I can only suggest that you do things bit by bit and see where it takes you. Reserve the right to change your mind/direction of travel as and when you feel like it and hopefully you'll get there!

I wanted to buy the house just down the road from us, I have always loved it, needs a lot of work but it would have been perfect , including an annex for ds2 , but it went to sealed bids and we lost it.Found another but it's too far for everyones's work and college .

To be honest I would like to move much further away, it's very claustrophobic here , but dc and dh would be devastated .

I'd like to have more land have more chickens may be some sheep but the sensible thing would be to work more hours to make sure the pension is secure and buy closer to town to make dc more I dependent.That's if we move at all.

I want a home that I can love , it doesn't have to be huge or glamorous I have simple tastes but the rest of the family just don't feel the same way .

Changing jobs isn't really an option and fundamentally the job is one most people would kill for , but I have spoken to the HOD about changing my role slightly , so some progress there .

Well it's not surprising that you don't know what you want to do when you have basically martyred yourself for your children and your husband's career.

Let's start from the basics - your husband does not need to disappear for two to three days at a time. If you dropped down dead tomorrow (sorry for being macabre), he simply wouldn't be able to do that. He would have to LEARN to delegate. To move meetings. To re-schedule something.

Part of being so senior is that you have the freedom to say "that doesn't work for me". When you are that high up - to a certain extent, you call the shots. At the moment, he can accept doing everything, staying up until 3am, whatever, because he knows that you can pick up the slack. He probably doesn't even think of it. I once knew a friggin' Ambassador that was a single mother. Maybe it would have been easier to have stayed until midnight for some of those meetings, but she didn't have that option, so she made her diary work around her home commitments.

The reason - perhaps - that your family is putting your needs last, is because you are doing the same.

You need to talk to your husband. Him saying "you can do the same" is a cop out. Because how can you, when you are split between covering for him and taking care of the children? Tell him that you aren't happy in your work at the moment, and want to dedicate more time to moving in a different direction. You have support him and his career for long enough - now it's his turn to pick up some more of the slack so you can do the same.

If you won't take steps to change how the family dynamics work, then your life will never change.

Ah, that is very difficult, especially the sealed bids nonsense. Very disappointing.

Perhaps moving away is too extreme for the others but it doesn't sound like getting some more land should be too much change. Sounds like it could be just a move a bit further out of town? Who cares what the sensible thing to do is?! And actually, if you were growing your own food on your own land and had your own chickens I know a lot of people that would argue that that IS the sensible thing to do.

I'm with you outtolunch, child with disabilities, traditionally minded DP, with his own uncompromised life.

After 6 weeks of, not hard work or stress, but being TIED to my children, apart from one day off sick, where I just stay in bed and shut the door and my stock answer to endless questions like 'what do we need from the shop' is 'I don't know', I feel I would be far better off single.

I think I need to try Cogito's suggestion of a weekend away. Whenever I talk about doing this he says 'well who is going to look after the kids while I am at work'. One is ok alone, but the other has dx. I know if I don't make a stand now I will always be tied.

Last time I left her with my mother and it was a complete disaster.

She is older now and people aren't as ready to spend time with her, it's just the way it is. She's not cute any more to others.

Sorry I'm not being a lot of help but I think the key is to find that childcare or respite that we need so we don't need their fathers agreement or support. I don't know. The statistics of fathers leaving when dx diagnosis happens are very high and a lot of them just stay on condition that they don't have to get tied into care or domesticity.

I've done all the charity work, retraining, qualifications, alongside running the family rather badly. It has been a bit half baked as I was never able to fully commit to anything. I have taken this academic year to focus on taking myself more seriously and getting my house in order, literally and metaphorically.

Perhaps projecting a future with your disabled child is the only way to go, aiming towards their independence but accepting that you will always have to keep an eye on them. It's not that different for NT families, lots stay at home until into their 30s now because of housing costs.

But a weekend away is a great idea, if only to make the statement that your children need more than just a mother to care for them.

I might as well come clean and say that he's a lawyer, if the client says jump you jump cancel your holiday , yes why not , stay up all night , of course !He is tougher now than he used to be but he is also wedded to the mantra" you are only as good as your last deal"

You are right, I have martyred myself but his job is all or nothing , feast or famine , and for years that's been OK but suddenly I'm nearly 50 and the buying a horse has just tipped me over , now every weekend will be at the stables and he is excited because I can come too , but I don't want to ,I did that when I was a teenager .He's so happy at the moment I don't want to rain on his parade but I want a life too .

How do you know your children wouldn't like childcare? I always preferred our au pairs to my mother. I understand that children with special needs are different - but it might be possible to find someone who's qualified/has experience of working with children with special needs.

I think a house you love is crucial to wellbeing, that needs to be a priority.

If you had a weekend hobby too, you & your husband would have to negotiate an equal number of weekends per year to pursue them, so I would find one asap.

I totally know what's expected of lawyers, my husband's a banker, it's the same deal - although if my husband only worked 9-7pm I'd be over the moon. (You're actually quite lucky on that score). But I don't have children with special needs, which is completely different ball game.

The horse pisses me off tbh - it's all about him, that's really not fair.

If you bought a house with more land he could have his horse there too, you would have a house you loved...would that work as an argument?

I have to admit it sounds a bit midlife crisis-ish for a grown man of 50 to go out and buy himself a horse!

I think you should have vetoed the horse.

He works 7am to 9pm on average , never home before 9pm often later

Friends think I should just be pleased it's not a motorbike but it is midlife crisis, but he would argue that he has spent years doing nothing but work

Sorry, I read the times the wrong way round - 7-9pm makes more sense.

I don't think you should be pleased it's not a motorbike - they don't need constant attention and mucking out. Horses are far more time consuming and high maintenance. Does he own it outright or does he share?

Out of everything you've said - the horse is the thing that's fundamentally unfair - because he will then be out at the weekends leaving you with the children. Not on. In the circumstances, if it had been me there would have been no horse.

It's perfectly possible to go riding lots and not own your own horse, my sister does it all the time. They bought a pony, partly for her and partly for the children, she found it too time-consuming and the children weren't into learning to ride. Now she just uses the local stables and goes off hacking or cross country & point to points.

Don't look back, it is what it is. Don't compare yourself to others - including your husband. Yes he has a great job but look at what he's missing out on. Only you know what success looks like to you. Brainstorm. Forget about practicalities like house/money/childcare for now. Start with "wouldn't it be f*cking cool if I...." started my own business, ran the London marathon, learned wine tasting, swam in the sea, took the day off to read, got a tattoo, moved house!.... Write it all down, big and small. Keep it on your phone (Wanderlist is good). Tick off at least 3 little ones this month! Start work on a big one, break it down. Is there one idea that would make everything else easier? Any idea that consumes you? If you want it enough it'll consume you and you'll make it happen.

Sorry a bit life-coachy but I got the idea when a retired relative said that if he won the lottery he'd buy a camper van and travel. He could easily afford to! Coupled with realising that I've been living my husband's dreams for years (now divorcing). My list is looong and I'm loving ticking them off.

The horse is in full time livery but as I said to him once the horse is yours he you will want to spend as much time as possible with it and if you don't then you shouldn't own a horse .He thinks it will be better because it is stabled only 10 mins away etc but the thing is owning a horse is a way of life not a two hours on a Sunday job , like I say he is so happy that I felt I couldn't veto , he does have a bit of a mid life crisis thing going on a bit I think .

He would happily leave the dc to bring themselves up and they are teens he just thinks ell they have a roof over their head and food on the table and a good education what more do they want , he has found out the hard way with ds1 that it's not like that .

But here I am worrying about him again , need to make that list and try to find my own life again

I am always shocked at the idea that a job trumps everything else - family life, happiness, even health in some cases. Yes, he's a lawyer, but he's also a dad and a husband and he doesn't get to check out of the last two things just because his job is all-consuming. If my DH worked those kind of hours and then went and bought a horse that would the end of the relationship as far as I was concerned. To be in a marriage you actually have to be present in some way- it's not enough to just sign the register and then go off and live your life with your wife and children waiting in the background hoping to catch crumbs of your time.

If he was working 7-9 in a low paid job and was then expected to jump at all hours it would be considered awful but because it's a "high powered" job with good pay it's considered ok that he's basically treated like a slave. Why anyone would choose that life is beyond me.

I think it's very good of him to get a horse rather than a motorbike or an affair, nice family friendly activity the DC can help with!

I think you are terribly dissapointed about the house. For once it was your turn and then when it fell through it was like you didn't matter.

If it was me, I would write it down on a sheet of paper for your husband.
*I am unhappy
*I want to move
*Please help me

Then start looking around at houses that are a bit out of town, but have a stable and you can keep his horse also. I really think you should push for what you need or you will get so resentful and depressed. Very best wishes, I am sorry you are going through this.

I think you are terribly dissapointed about the house. For once it was your turn and then when it fell through it was like you didn't matter.

If it was me, I would write it down on a sheet of paper for your husband.
*I am unhappy
*I want to move
*Please help me

Then start looking around at houses that are a bit out of town, but have a stable and you can keep his horse also. I really think you should push for what you need or you will get so resentful and depressed. Very best wishes, I am sorry you are going through this.

I think you are terribly dissapointed about the house. For once it was your turn and then when it fell through it was like you didn't matter.

If it was me, I would write it down on a sheet of paper for your husband.
*I am unhappy
*I want to move
*Please help me

Then start looking around at houses that are a bit out of town, but have a stable and you can keep his horse also. I really think you should push for what you need or you will get so resentful and depressed. Very best wishes, I am sorry you are going through this.

Sorry I didn't mean to post 3 times. Apologies.

I think your DH needs to learn to compromise more.

You said he is having a bit of a mid life crisis but it sounds like you are too. Why does his trump yours?