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Original poster

Done to death but how do you know you're with the man you should marry?

40 replies

MishMooshAndMogwai · 30/08/2014 19:54

It's bugging me tonight so I googled (DP is out, not looking confused over my shoulder!) and all I get it lovey dovey shite about butterflies and the way he looks at you like you're the only one in the room etc Hmm

So, straight answer, how did you know that your DP was the one to be your DH?

What does love feel like? Does it have a specific feeling once the initial honeymoon bubble has burst or is it as simple as him just being someone you're happy to bumble along with?

OP posts:
eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever · 30/08/2014 19:57

Every time you argue (and make up) it feels like you actually sorted something out and are a bit closer together.

Every other relationship arguments have only ever driven a wedge ever further between us.

Just a month until we'll have been together 10 years so something must be right :)

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever · 30/08/2014 19:59

That didn't sound very romantic, did it? I don't know - he's my best friend, I still look forward to seeing him when we've been apart (even if only for the day), even when he drives me absolutely batshit crazy I can't imagine life without him and I still admire him and we have fun together. Plus he puts up with all my craziness and never makes me feel anything but loved, admired and respected.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2014 19:59

OK, not married but together 19 years.

I knew because I chose him over my (childhood not-sweetheart) ex. Unthinkable with any others before him.

gamerchick · 30/08/2014 20:00

All of my life I never wanted to get married.. I just didn't think it was worth it. Then I hooked up with the husband and I just knew.. It was really weird. We married the year after getting together and I haven't regretted it since.

We haven't argued yet though really 5 years in so don't know what it's like to make up yet.

Handywoman · 30/08/2014 20:00

Does he want the same things in life longterm, OP? Are you planning to have kids?

pixiegumboot · 30/08/2014 20:09

Because for some weird reason he thinks/thought I am the one. Poor man. In reality I don't know, it just felt right. Like a good friend only better. Someone who actually listens, agrees and makes plans to move forward. Except when it involves diy now its down to me.

beccajoh · 30/08/2014 20:16

It's a cliché but I just knew he was right for me. I had some basic standards for potential partners (wanted kids, had a job) so he met those requirements before I even a agreed to a date. Beyond all that he's the kindest man i know and he's my best friend.

Original poster
MishMooshAndMogwai · 30/08/2014 20:33

These are lovely answers, thankyou :) and reassuring!

He's a wonderful man, kind, loving, a great dad to his kids and fantastic with mine. He's supportive of my career path and willing to entertain my stupid ideas but confident enough to tell me when enough is enough with them!

I guess it's because we've just started TTC and it's just hit home that this relationship is serious and I was doubting myself! Sounds silly.
We've talked a lot about getting married and I've never doubted our relationship before but this is real now, not a wedding fantasy!

Not cold feet or mind changing, just pre-baby wobbles!

OP posts:
DollyMixture99 · 30/08/2014 20:38

With him I just feel at home. He is my safe space.

BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 20:42

Do you want to have children? That's a big issue and if you don't have DC already it can throw up issues you probably haven't even considered yet.

I would say in general, not kid related:

  • Does he have the same or compatible baseline views or morals on things as you. E.g. smoking, porn, money/working, pets. Big and small things. But generally if he's totally fine with something that you're really not okay with (or vice versa) that's a problem, because the person who thinks it's fine tends to feel resentful after a while about not doing that thing, will find ways to do it and doesn't feel guilty about it because in their mind you're being irrational and/or unreasonable anyway.
  • You should think each other is pretty amazing, and have concrete things you can say about what the other person is good at, and really believe in them. It really, really helps your confidence to occasionally catch a glimpse of yourself through the eyes of a husband who adores you and thinks you are special and important, not just to him but to the world in general.
  • Related to this he should treat you as totally equal - this is the only gendered one, IMO. We do live in a sexist society and it's important he sees you as a person first rather than a woman first, otherwise it's easy for him to write things of as "impossible crazy woman stuff" and not actually see you as a person asking for help. He doesn't have to be a full on feminist activist going on marches but he needs to see you as an individual and not "generic woman".
  • On the feminist note Grin that he pitches in with housework and that kind of stuff and doesn't see it as "your" work but as a joint responsibility. If he leaves it all to you then he's not going to pick up the slack if you're ill, long term sick, working, tired from children, emotionally overwhelmed, etc. Of course this is on your side as well - you need to be convinced that should either of you become incapacitated short or long term, the other is more than willing to pick up the slack and carry the "team", that even if traditional roles (male breadwinner, female housekeeper) are working for you at the moment that that is not set in stone because you don't know what circumstances might come up in the future. It's important to be open to different options and possibilities.
  • You have to trust each other. This isn't about faithfulness (well, it is but not totally) but ties into most of the points I made above. In a situation where you were unable to make a decision together for some reason, would you be able to trust him to make a decision on your behalf which, even if it is not exactly what you would choose, would be acceptable to you? Things that are important and affect you like choosing a house, deciding whether to spend a large amount of money, child safety/discipline decisions, what to do in a situation where a friend needs help, etc.
  • Pure feeling one, but for me feeling secure and safe and "at home" with him.
  • The last one which is always in those articles etc but it's true - communication. So important. Do you communicate effectively, can you listen and respect each others' point of view, do you go off and make big decisions separately or do you discuss it first, do you often find you have misunderstandings, if you do, are you able to sort them out without feelings being hurt. Etc.

I love these two articles about healthy relationships and for me they cut through a lot of the bullshit spouted about butterflies and flowers and having sex twice a week and all of that stuff.

Co-pilots and the importance of a joint agenda

How to pick your life partner, Part 1 (Part 2 is linked at the end and is in fact the more useful part. I especially like the quote "Marriage is forgettable Wednesday. Together.")

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 30/08/2014 20:43

We've barely been together a year but I know he's who I want to be with forever. I went through a gruelling IVF and subsequent (spontaneous) MC with a previous partner and it not only destroyed our relationship but it ruined me as a person and it took me a good long while to come to terms with the fact I wouldn't have children and that was ok.
I got horrendously drunk one night and told my current DP all of this and he told me that was and always would be ok with him.
He said it in such a way that it made me feel an acceptance and security I'd never thought possible.

So yeah. He just has to ask me to marry him now Grin

BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 20:44

Xposted the link and some other stuff Grin

For kids if you already have kids then you'll have an idea about how supportive he is with that so that's not so much an issue. It's more before children you don't realise (I'm sure you know!) what it's going to be like and what support you really need.

TTC wobbles are scary. I'm having a bit of that too and DH is wonderful but I've never TTC before because DS was an accident and it's a bit Shock argh! But I'm really looking forward to doing it with him.

KittenOverlord · 30/08/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestIsWest · 30/08/2014 20:53

That's a fantastic post Bertie.

angeltulips · 30/08/2014 21:01

What the others said about feeling safe. The way I always describe it is that I feel like I've come home every time I see him.

And, more basically, his smell. Just makes me feel like I could live next to him forever. Tis a very superficial thing but strangely important.

headlesslambrini · 30/08/2014 21:06

Just asked DH this question - apparently it was because I watched him play rugby Hmm and there I was thinking it was because we laughed together, had fab sex or even dare I say it, my sparkling personality Grin

Original poster
MishMooshAndMogwai · 30/08/2014 21:10

Well I feel so much better for starting this thread!

Bertie- that's an amazing answer, thankyou so much for taking the time to write all that!

Thankfully you're all describing me and DP! Cheesy grins all round, I've found the man I'm marrying!

This last year in particular has been particularly hard, I lost my grandad at the start January, we've had constant troubles with his ex and social services, I fell pregnant unexpectedly then miscarried at 11 weeks on his birthday after a difficult pregnancy and I have come off anti depressants among other things. I take huge comfort in the fact that we have stayed together and happy and strong as a couple. If it wasn't right then I'd have given up, surely?

He is very much in charge of housework! I do the washing and the shopping and the cooking but he tackles pretty much everything else and constantly tidies up after me(which I very much appreciate but drives me mad!).

I don't think he treats me as an equal, in his eyes I'm so much more than him which is completely untrue. He's an amazing man with incredible patience and grace. He tackles everything thrown at him but definitely needs prompting from me to do it or he has a tendency to bury his head.

He makes me laugh til wee comes out (bloody post baby pelvic floor!) and I came home from our anniversary dinner the other night with aching cheeks from smiling.

I got incredibly stressed and frustrated with dd (3) and dss(4) during the holidays while our kitchen was being redone (and still is, thanks council!) but he was there to calm me down and soothe me and make me a cup of tea. Sometimes that's all you need.

I feel so much better now!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2014 21:12

I could say I just knew the day we met and it would be true to say there was a strong, immediate attraction between us.

In reality, as well as that physical spark, we have the same values in life, the same things matter to us, we were brought up in similar backgrounds, we share political views, we like the same things.

We can talk about anything. He makes me laugh like no one else. On the rare occasions we argue we sort it very quickly and properly. We are very similar in how much we enjoy sex and what we like. We share everything fairly at home.

He has complete respect for me and that is reciprocated. We 'get' each other. He is kind and generous, loving, desires me and, most importantly, is honest and trustworthy. He makes me feel like I really matter. He is emotionally intelligent and supportive. He'll tell me if he thinks I am wrong and can say things in a very straight but not destructive way. We are a bit of a challenge for each other. He's clever. He loves his family. He gets on with people and treats everyone properly. He speaks up about things that matter.

He has never in 5 years done anything that has made me question marrying him. He is going to be a fantastic dad in January and he is just so excited.

Yes, he drives me mad at times and he is as daft as a brush but I love him to bits in a way I have never loved anyone else.

MillyDots · 30/08/2014 21:13

angeltulips , "Coming Home" that describes it perfectly, that and good sex.

LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2014 21:16

And even though he didn't like cats, he now loves them and adores our two.
I am totally me with him.
He is still romantic and does nice things for me.
He is the most unsexist man I have ever met.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 30/08/2014 21:23

He knows too much...if I didn't marry him I'd have had to kill him Wink

headlesslambrini · 30/08/2014 21:30

Based on your last post - You're in lurvvve!

eddielizzard · 30/08/2014 21:35

i trust him 100% - believe that's the most important thing.

i can see myself with him in 20 years.

he doesn't make fun of me or what i love, he encourages me. everyone else has belittled my passions.

i honestly believe i won't find anyone better than him. he is amazing. even though he is incredibly annoying.

i think the question really is, can you see yourself without him, and happy?

Azquilith · 30/08/2014 21:35

Because I still, after only 3 years I admit, get excited about coming home and seeing him every evening.

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