History repeating itself

[Catzeyess]

Argh I feel like I'm going to turn into my mum!

Small background, have very controlling parents, swore I wouldn't end up like that, had some issues with control in beginning of relationship with DH, got some therapy and generally was much better. But when I get stressed these controlling traits keep popping up.

Has anyone managed to successfully get rid of dysfunctional traits that their parents have, and not pass them on to their children? How did you do it? I'm ttc at the moment and am really scared that I'm going to be a horrible control freak mother :(.

When I talk to my DH about my fears he says he is encouraging and says he thinks I will be a great mum and is not worried because he thinks I'm nothing like my mum but we do still have fights where I'm being a control freak and he tells me to stop it. I eventually do realise and apologise but feel awful afterwards. I feel like the stress of having a baby might bring all this out again.

We really want to have a baby and in so many ways I'm really excited! But this thought is the back of my mind and it terrifies me.

In what sense are you a control freak? What kinds of things are you trying to control? Just trying to get some context....

For example recently DH was watching a u-tube video about ISIS and I got cross with him saying he shouldn't be filling his head with these horrible images, he said that the images, while upsetting, did not bother him in the way they bother me and he would like to be informed about the situation and that he was not forcing me to watch them, and I got cross saying I wasn't happy that he was watching them, at which point he said stop trying to control what he watches. After a bit of arguing back an forth I realised I was being controlling and apologised. When I look back I think that's not very nice behaviour and feel awful, because it's exactly the sort of thing my mum would have done and so then I panic I am turning into my mum.

Maybe I'm a controlling person too as I find your position about the risks of watching such material entirely reasonable.

I'm not sure that qualifies as controlling either. Violent terrorism and especially YouTube videos of horrible images (how horrible? beheadings?) would be a particularly emotive subject so strong objections might be reasonably expected.

'Controlling' to me would be if you were trying to dictate more trivial aspects of someone else's life. Any other examples?

Nothing like the beheading videos :S thankfully we both agree there! More just general news footage.

Erm things like I get cross if he eats unhealthily (like if I'm out he orders pizza instead of cooking unless I specifically tell him to cook)

The thing is some things I have expressed I don't like an he has agreed and doesn't do anymore eg porn was a issue in the beginning of our relationship and now he honestly doesn't watch it because I've told him I don't like it, and 18 rated films he also doesn't watch anymore so he does listen to my concerns, just tells me that sometimes he doesn't agree and that I need to respect that.

Is he overweight? Has he expressed a wish to eat more healthily? Is health very important to you? Is he feeding the pizza to others (DCs)? What does 'get cross' look like? ... just trying to understand context and severity....

Any relationship is going to throw up disagreements and different attitudes. Do you feel you get a fair say? Do you win the argument 50% of the time? What proportion of objections on your part met with accusations of being controlling?

BTW.... can I ask roughly how old you both are and how old you were when you got together? It's just my experience but my observation is that younger/first-time-around couples tend to believe they have more right to control each other's behaviour whereas older and second-time-around people are more 'live and let live'.

I don't know. I know a couple who got together in their sixties and she is truly controlling about his diet.

There's always an exception.. :)

Is it your husband telling you you are a control freak?

Watching violent images and porn (even though he may have stopped be doing it secretly) doesn't sound great to be honest.

Why do you get cross about his ordering pizza?

I'm 27 and he is 33, got together at 18 and 24. First proper ltr for both, both had previous relationships but nothing serious

He never brought up the controlling thing, I decided to see a counsellor a few years ago to do with issues with my mum and that's where that comes from, the counsellor suggested that when I get anxious I try and control my environment, which is sometimes good and sometimes bad. And my mum does the same. He doesn't actually mention it now, I'll often say 'I'm sorry I'm being a bit controlling aren't I' and he says 'maybe a little bit yes'

He honestly isn't watching that stuff anymore and says he regrets watching it in the past. I trust him when he says he doesn't. He has even left film nights with friends (not because I told him to) because I said he doesn't want to be exposed to that stuff anymore.

I worry he is going to get ill in later life if he doesn't eat healthily now, that's why I don't like him ordering pizza

No advice at present, but I wanted to offer my ((hugs)) and hope you find a way to break the cycle soon!

Hmmmm I personally would be a bit peeved if my DH told me off for ordering pizza or told me I had to cook a meal instead, if it wasn't something I was doing regularly - ie more than a few times a month, and my diet was generally ok and I wasn't at a weight that was affecting my health. But that's a lot of 'ifs' so it's hard to know whether you're being reasonable or not.

I would also be a bit peeved if my DH got funny about me watching the news, even if it was coverage of something unpleasant. I woke up the other morning and DH was watching the news about the beheading next to me in bed though, so obviously I am different to you in that respect, in that while I don't want to actually see it cos I'm squeamish, I do understand why people would.

Porn, that's between you two, every couple is so different and I think you have a right to have that stance.

18 films - really depends. If he's watching a lot of torture porn type stuff then I might be a bit 'really?' but if it's part of a varied film diet then I'm not that fussed, some people like to get a fright. I would feel a bit weird about a blanket ban on 18 rated films, because there is a wide variety of them and it would seem a bit silly to say they're all worthless.

For me, you do sound a little bit controlling. But everyone is different and since you're worried about it, you might be picking out examples that sound worse than they are, as well - it's hard to tell.

When he says you're being controlling, does he say it in a nice way? Or is it something you row about? I have some bad habits and my DH does remind me of them, but not in a mean way, just friendly-like and I find that helpful. But it's tricky because you don't want him to end up with a get out of jail free card, where you're so frightened of being like your mum that he gets to hold it over you like a weapon.

I'm terrified of ending up like my mum too, but I do sort of know when I'm doing it (sometimes I don't like to admit to it, which is part of it) and I just work really hard on being honest with myself - to recognise the behaviours that might be a problem and think really hard about whether they're reasonable or not.

Also, nobody is perfect! Everyone gets funny about things and as long as you're both willing to discuss disagreements, and come to compromises, then that's ok, I reckon.

He doesn't really say I'm being controlling outright (I was paraphrasing in op) more like 'Catz why are you having a go about this, leave me alone I was watching it in peace' and he never directly compares me to my mum, but sometimes if I ask he will say yes I think you need to lighten up a bit. He often says I am being 'intense' or sometimes he just shuts down and refuses to engage until I have calmed down.

Quite a lot of the time after the event I feel embarrassed about the way I have behaved, I sort of go into a zone where I don't listen and just ram my point home, and it doesn't just happen with DH, sometimes when it happens with other people I cringe when I get home and have lost a few friends over the years (mostly when I was younger as I'm much better now)

I don't know - it does sound as though you're being quite heavy on yourself - maybe you need to lighten up about lightening up!

Don't worry about losing friends, it happens to everyone and it might not even be your fault - sometimes personalities just grow apart over time.

That said, if it's an issue you worry about, I'm sure your DH could give you some good honest feedback about it - I'd explain to him about the fears about becoming your mum, and that you're not always sure where the line of 'controlling' is. It sounds like he is ok with saying when he feels you're overstepping, which is probably a good thing, as long as it's not done meanly, or too much. This might just be something that is an ongoing issue in your relationship, and if your DH isn't saying that he finds it a massive problem - ie if you don't think it's going to be a relationship ender, then it's maybe something you can be a little more relaxed about and see as a bit of give and take, that sometimes he'll tell you to lighten up, and sometimes you might think 'yeah he could be right' and other times you might think 'no, I really feel this way about this thing'. As long as you're listening to eachother and it's not always one person conceding to the other then I don't think you need to worry too much.

I agree. It does sound like you have a few bossy tendencies! (How would you like it if someone else told you what you could eat and watch?) But from what you have put here it sounds like you are self-aware and have a good relationship with your husband. Maybe tell him it's something you want to work on and ask for his help in highlighting to you when you do it?
Honestly, as long as you are aware of it, you are trying to change and your husband is supportive it does not sound like too big a deal to me. I am sure you have many other qualities that will make you an excellent mum.

Thanks guys :) you are right, I'm going to chat to dh and try and lighten up a bit. I guess no one is a perfect mum and I'll just have to do the best I can!

Actually, having a down on 18-rated films and greasy takeaway food is a positive asset in a parent!

I genuinely don't mean that as flippantly as it sounds. You do not sound controlling to me, just concerned for the welfare of those you love.

I even wonder if, knowing your fears about turning into your mother, your DH uses "controlling" as a buzzword to get you to back off when he wants to wallow in grease and graphic imagery?

Sorry if I'm wrong, I hope I am.

Thanks sweet :) your post made me laugh 'wallow in grease and graphic imagery' haha

Had a heart to heart with DH told him about my fears etc, he said he thinks I need to build up my confidence and that I'm being too hard on myself. He apologised and said he is not always the best at handling things and he wouldn't want me to not speak up about something if it was bothering me for fear of being controlling/intense and he wants to support me however he said that he equally will stand up for himself if he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

He said he not worried about me turning into my mum and said I have way more self awareness than she does.

I told him about posting on mumsnet and he said, you can always ask your mumsnet friends if you feel a bit overwhelmed by parenthood and want some extra support. I feel a bit better now. Thanks for your input everyone it really helped me think stuff though!

I think your DH is right about the self awareness. You've started this thread after all. You don't appear to carry on the 'controlling' beyond a few comments. You allow your DH to stand up for himself. I presume you aren't sulking or withdrawing affection or refusing to acknowledge/apologise when you may have been a tad unreasonable? That would be far more worrying!

Hi OP. You're a good'un and so's he.

Keep talking, keep being self-aware and in 30 years you'll still be at it, chuckling quietly when he says "your mum" or you say "another exploding head to go with your heart attack? "

You'll be great parents.

My parents were also very controlling but I don't really have that trait so it's not something I worry about.

But with my Mum I think a lot of it was bottled up anger and tension.

If it's a matter of staying calm could you try meditation or yoga or something which would help you stay in a calm frame of mind?