History repeating itself

[Catzeyess]

Argh I feel like I'm going to turn into my mum!

Small background, have very controlling parents, swore I wouldn't end up like that, had some issues with control in beginning of relationship with DH, got some therapy and generally was much better. But when I get stressed these controlling traits keep popping up.

Has anyone managed to successfully get rid of dysfunctional traits that their parents have, and not pass them on to their children? How did you do it? I'm ttc at the moment and am really scared that I'm going to be a horrible control freak mother :(.

When I talk to my DH about my fears he says he is encouraging and says he thinks I will be a great mum and is not worried because he thinks I'm nothing like my mum but we do still have fights where I'm being a control freak and he tells me to stop it. I eventually do realise and apologise but feel awful afterwards. I feel like the stress of having a baby might bring all this out again.

We really want to have a baby and in so many ways I'm really excited! But this thought is the back of my mind and it terrifies me.

That's true about the bottled up anger, I think that's the case with my parents!

I think I might try meditation! I used to swim when I was struggling with anxiety and stuff and it really helped but I got out of the habit!

It is a very natural reaction to try and control things when we feel anxious or uncertain, and it is often an essential art of what helps people manage through the short-term in emergency or traumatic situations. So that in itself is not a bad thing to have.

I think you have 2 major things in your favour - you are self aware, able to listen to feed back (e.g. from your counsellor), to recognise it in yourself and to try and act on it; also you are in a partnership with your dh, who presumably brings a different balance. Your OP implies that both your parents were controlling, so they would reinforce that behaviour in each other, unlike you and your dh.

It is lovely to try and plan for different eventualities and scenarios for when you are a Mum, and natural to be a little worried about what kind of parent you will be, but in reality when you baby arrives you will find moments when you will just be glad that you managed to make a cup of tea Congratulations.