How do I become more polite? How do I stop getting angry from my stress?

[misscph1973]

I've just had a massive fight with my DH and I am so unhappy.

I want to ask you British mumsnetters how I become more polite. You see, I am not British, I am from Denmark. My DH keeps saying to me that I am rude and that I treat him horribly. I am wondering if it is partly a cultural difference?

It's the end of the summer holidays and I have had a lot of work on (I work from home) and not really had any weekends off. My DH is registered blind so I pretty much do everything. So I am really stressed. My patience is wearing thin.

This morning I got so upset when DH didn't even say goodmorning but just asked for more underwear (I have not put any washing away for a week) and then asked what to serve for SIL and her DH when they come for lunch. I had only just woken up!

So I was not very nice and he lost his patience with me and we had a massive fight right in front of the kids.

Anyway, please don't say LTB. Because I am not going to. I need advise on how to be nicer. I do know that I am less nice when I have a lot on. Which is all the time. Sometimes that is just life. I would just really like to deal with it better.

I know that it will sadly all be better when the kids are back at school. I am just really unhappy as this is technically our wedding anniversary although we have agreed to delay the celebrations.

I feel a bit better now I have it down on paper. I am going to do some work and work out how to get on with the day. I will return to this thread, but as we have guests coming I may not reply immediately. Thank you, if you got this far.

You do sound stressed. Did your DH realise it was your anniversary? If so, it's a bit thoughtless of him to just ignore it like that. It does sound rather like you have to deal with everything - is that the case, or does he work, take responsibility for some stuff?

TBH, it doesn't sound like you need to be 'more polite'. You need to be less stressed. You need to identify the various things that are causing you stress, and deal with them in order of how badly they are affecting you.

I don't think it's a cultural thing, btw. I'm British and DH has already told me off for snapping at him this morning. I was trying to pack away the shopping and he kept asking me silly questions, hence the snap!

And yes, it's the end of the school holidays coupled with not-so-good weather this past couple of weeks. All equals stress.

Is your DH nice to you?

Thanks for your fast response, it helps!

Yes, he did know, we had talked about it only last night and agreed to postpone it - we do most years, as by the end of the summer holidays we are not really up for celebrations. I imagine he is quite upset about the whole thing as well.

As DH is blind, he doesn't do much housework. He does work, he works from home like me, so we see a lot of each other (which is sometimes not as romantic as it sounds).

It's just hard for me to be less stressed as I will always be the one who does everything as DH is blind (and there is a lot of housework with a blind DH, 2 kids and a dog). What winds me up is that he doesn't really notice, as he has never known anything different, I guess. I also feel so bad for wanting a blind man to be grateful for what I do, but that is how I feel. I know that he has been extra nice the last week as I had so much on. When we argued his main point was that even when he was being so good with me, I was still not nice (enough) to him.

We moved a month ago, and there are still boxes everywhere. I have had so much work on, which is great financially, but it's taking its toll on me.

We do have a gardener and a handy man at the moment and I am also getting a window cleaner. Kids are 9 and 7 and they do help out, but obviously still with supervision so it's more of an investment than anything else.

I am really bad a biting my tongue. I can do it, but only for so long, it bottles up and then I break down.

NormHonal, yes, he does try to be nice to me, in fact he has improved loads over the last few years, he used to be much less nice (when he gave up smoking I ended up seeing a psychologist).

Right at his moment we have ended the argument with me just nodding and agreeing to everything he said as I do not want to upset the children further and I think we all need some peace.

I guess I will have to take on less work as my sanity is more important than financial gain (although I do enjoy my work).

I just wish I could put my emotions aside when a fight is brewing, but that'skind of the point, isn't it, a fight is the result of emotions flooding over.

Does your H really do nothing housewise?

Perhaps you will be more polite if you were treated as a human being and not a domestic appliance. Is your H asking you stuff the minute you open your eyes normal or was this a one off?

A good morning honey how are you I know you have just woke but... may have made all the difference.

A gardener, handyman and window cleaner don't help with the general day to day dross. Maybe a cleaner would be a better option?

Do you get out for a few hours? It sounds a little claustraphobic.

Quick skim read and already you are doing my head in! He's horrible to you! OK, I won't say LTB. Yet. But I'm coming back later...

I would also prioritize a cleaner.

Does your DH claim DLA? I think paying for a cleaner would be an appropriate use of that as he clearly cannot do much in the way of housework himself.

But yes, we all struggle to be polite when we are stressed and you clearly have a lot on your plate. The house move alone is massively stressful.

I think you need to cut each other a little slack.

You don't sound rude, you sound stressed. And no wonder, if you are working weekends, handling most of the domestics, and it's the end of the summer hols.

you don't need to learn how to be more polite. you need a conversation with your DH about how the burden on you can be lessened in order that you are under less stress. A cleaner is a good idea. Plus your DH, to be frank, does not sound as though he is particularly polite to you, based on the example you have given. This needs to be made clear to him.

What else do you think would help?

You say he is registered blind, but does he see at all? Registered blind doesn't necessarily mean zero vision. Neither does it mean helpless.

You keep mentioning his blindness as if you feel sorry for him and need to be good and careful around him. People with disabilities are human, and not always the paragons of virtue portrayed in the media.

Maybe you need to be nicer to yourself and not try to change yourself for him? If you try to do that you will end up even more stressed (and you sound hugely overloaded to me).

I'm not going to say LTB. But I'm going to say think about what you want from life, and is it waiting hand and foot on someone who accuses you of treating him horribly when he clearly has little respect for you?

Hi. I don't think it's anything to do with cultures, you are just under a lot of stress at the moment and it has all spilled over/out. You need to give yourself a break.

I think you need to sit down later and make sure he understands how you are feeling and why you snapped at him this morning. You are carrying the majority of the responsibility and I too think a cleaner would be a good start towards reducing that and your stress levels.

DH works, so what other tasks could he take over from you e.g. Supervising the children doing tasks? Once they have been shown once or twice, he could be there to field their questions and provide guidance instead of you having to supervise them all the time perhaps?? At 7 and 9 there are lots of things they could help with e.g. Keeping their own rooms tidy, dusting, hoovering, dishwasher loading and unloading, setting the table etc.

Moving house is a really stressful time too and no doubt you are dying to get rid of those boxes and just cannot find the time for that on top of the every day stuff! Maybe try and empty one box every other day until the pile has gone - kids can maybe even help with this too?

I think a cleaner could be a godsend for you- it sounds so stressful, I think you've got a lot of pressure on and it's inevitable you're going to snap.

Thank you for all the responses, there is lots to think about. It's so nice to "talk" about it, I usually don't, as I don't want people to know that my life is not perfect and don't want them to worry. Well, I do talk to my sister, but I am getting the feeling that she is just saying what I want to hear (I am very close to her btw).

My DH does receive DLA. He is registered blind but he does have some eye sight. He does look after the children, he takes them out for long walks in the forest and he reads bedtime stories to them. He has actually suggested that we get a cleaner, but I keep putting it off, as we haven't unpacked yet.

I do feel like a domestic appliance (great phrase byt the way)! But it only feels like that when I am over worked like now. As many have pointed out, moving is a major stressor. I just wish I handled it better.

Fubsy, I do need to be nicer to myself, I am sure you are right. Then it will be easier to be nicer to my family. I am so worried about ending up as my parents, They had a very nasty divorce and still can't be in the same room 20 years later. The last thing on their priority list was being a couple.

What I think it is, is that we are both very stressed and just not very good at handling it.

One more thing. When I registered at the new doctor, there was a part in the form that asked if I am a carer and if I would like the carer support worker to give me a call. Am I a carer? As my DH is blind? Would it be a good idea to talk to the support worker?

If you see yourself as a carer then yes you are.

Why doesn't dh do any cleaning? I know he's registered blind, but I'm struggling to see why that means he can't do any of those tasks, unless theres something else going on that you haven't said.

DH doesn't see well enough to clean much. He cleans pans and such, but honestly it's a drop in the ocean. He has a condition that gives him tunnel vision and he can't see in the dark. So he can only see things that are very near and is well lit. Hence he can do computer work and read (from a brightly lit iPad).

I do appreciate that you are beffled that he doesn't do more house work. My mother is as well. But he just doesn't see well enough for it. When he wipes the kitchen counter down, I have to do it again as he misses so much (and I don't have high standards, believe me).

Don't put off getting a cleaner - the time she spends cleaning, you could start tackling the unpacking - as others have said, you sound stressed, not rude.

Eg. I work very weird hours (sports coach), have 4 children, do voluntary work and I have a cleaner. It's for 3 hours a week and it helps me stay sane. I still have to get all the other jobs done but at least I know I'm not worrying about the dirt. Last week whilst the cleaner was cleaning, me and DD sorted out the room where everything gets chucked (an out of sight out of mind room) I wouldn't have been able to fit that in if I had to clean too.

Re: carer - yes I think it's worth at least talking to someone - it could give you some extra income to help with jobs you haven't time for

Good luck OP

Don't put getting the cleaner off any longer. Believe me, no matter how messy you think your house is, they will have seen worse!!

Get the cleaner in, that will free up your time to relax and tackle those boxes so you are less antsy about the cleaner being there too!

Win win situation x

Thanks, RobotLover68.

I work as a translator from home, so it's computer work. I tend to hang up the washing etc. when I need a break. That's how I get the housework done ;)

I think I will look for a cleaner. I have been putting it off as it's the daily cleaning tasks that wear me out, but I guess a cleaner should do all the non-urgent jobs like clean inside cupboards, clean skirting etc? I am sure there ar better examples, but I just mean as opposed to clearing the table after dinner and doing the dishes. And then daily tasks won't seem to straining.

My office is the out of sight room!

Re carer, some emotional support would do magic! i don't think DH is blind enough (!) for any financial help. It took 3 reapplications over 3 years to get the DLA (middle rate only).

You can be nice by counting to ten before you let rip! If you know it's going to come out wrong, hold it in and rephrase it.

Life is too short to hurt the ones we love and you obviously love your husband so now you're aware of the situation try to deal with it as best you can.

Good luck with the unpacking, I've always wondered how it takes hours to pack up the boxes but weeks to unpack them! Never quite figured that one out

Quitelikely, I find it so hard to recognise the point where I have to count to 10 or just leave the room. It's all god in theory, but when it all boils over, I can't remember any strategies.

My SIL and her DH are due in an hour. I am still really tearful, but although initially I just wanted to leave the house with my laptop and do my deadlines (work is very therapeutic for me), I guess having guests will force us to relax and be nice. I am sure it will have a good effect. I have decided that I am not going to apologise for the state of the house.

I have planned our anniversary celebration to be 2 weeks from now. By then we should be over this and be able to have a nice day together. It's going to be lunch at the local gastro pub during shool hours (kids are not settled enough to babysat by a stranger). I am going to work very hard not to be annoyed that it's always me who has to arrange these things, but appreciate that I got to choose what we do. Hopefully it will be very therapeutic for us as a couple.

I have been working on the small things recently. As men often need clear instructions, I have succesfully allocated our evening cups of chamomile tea to DH. I will keep finding things he can do and give him full instructions.

I really appreciate the support I got this morning. It has made such a difference.

I'd definitely go for the carer support. It might help you separate the caring elements of your role from the partnership/marriage - you write as if you are just his carer, and sound detached from him as your partner/lover.

Eg I keep finding him things he can do and give him full instructions.

It sounds as if he has taken a passive role in your relationship, which could be building up resentment in both of you.

Fubsy, that is really given me something to chew over: "separate the caring elements of your role from the partnership/marriage - you write as if you are just his carer, and sound detached from him as your partner/lover"

It's all just practical at the moment, mainly because I have had so much work on. I think we have come to a point where it's hard to just enjoy each others company, we mainly talk about work (we work independdently, but rung it through a shared limited company) and children. In the evenings he does yoga (he has msasive back problems but the yoga helps) while I work. In the holidays I take the kids out in the morning and then he takes them out after lunch. it's like shift work, but how else are we going to handle full time work during holidays. We did have the kids in a holiday club once a week the last 3 weeks (his suggestion) just to keep on top of it.

DH is a very serious meditator, which has greatly reduced his stress (he had real problems a few years back). He has tried to teach me (many times) and often encourages me to meditate, but I just end up doing a shopping list in my head while I should be giving my mind a break and not think of anything. I find it so hard to switch off from work and chores, I am forever thinking of a deadline or that the windows could do with a clean. Recently I had awful trouble sleeping because my mind was racing, so I ended up with a relaxation tape (it helped) and I made myself not work after 9pm. I have made sure I have a book to read in the evening so I switch off. I like too think that I have so many benefits from working at home, like not commuting and not using child care after school, but I have periods where I find it really hard to separate my work from my free time. I think I will have to work harder at setting limits to my work hours and respecting them.

Op you sound a bit like me. It sounds like maybe it comes quite naturally to you to look after others, consider others needs, keep everything nice for the family, but that it is harder to be compassionate to your self and to make sure you have what you need to be healthy and happy?

Can you sit down and think about what you need for a little bit? Including perhaps asking your H to start conversations politely! I hate no 'hello how are you?' as well - it makes such a difference. Try and take some baby steps towards doing things that will relax, energise, replenish you?

Oif, I am definitely a type who just takes charge and look after everybody, I refer to it as "the oldest sister syndrome". I always put myself last, I find it really hard to put myself first.

I have been up most of the night unable to sleep, the stress with work and the trauma from the argument, I guess. I don't feel too bad for it, thouggh, and I obviously did a lot of thinking. But I did end up having a nice day with guests (still here) and me and DH somehow got over it and were nice to eachother (not in a forced way). SIL and her DH have just taken the kids out for a walk and I am doing a but of work.

I have also put an ad on a local FB site for a cleaner and I found the details for the local carer support. I feel quite positive and I think it will be okay. This thread has realy helped - the healing powers of MN!

It looks like he treats you horribly as well; I think if my OH had first said 'where's my pants' and 'what's for dinner' without even a 'good morning' I'd have been rude and would have meant every word!

He's not exactly squeaky clean in the 'being rude' competition is he?

Oh and a cleaner will clean, and will clean anything you want them to clean. You ask them how much it will be to clean x, y and z weekly/fortnightly and they say 'that will cost you x much'. If you are agreeable to that, then let them clean x, y and z. Honestly, it's not worth stressing over.

Funky, it wasn't great, was it? I find he often gets upset about things that I do that he does himself aswell. To his credit, he has been very nice and considerate yesterday and today. I personaally don't really want to bring up the argument yet, as I think it will just spark another one.

Re cleaner, I know. I was a cleaner myself when I was a student, in private homes as well as in care homes, so I am quite experienced. I don't think I have particularily high standards, but I do want to be fair. The reason I have been putting off getting a cleaner is mainly because I want to be a superwoman who manages everything with no help, and it's hard to admit that I am not.