How do I become more polite? How do I stop getting angry from my stress?

[misscph1973]

I've just had a massive fight with my DH and I am so unhappy.

I want to ask you British mumsnetters how I become more polite. You see, I am not British, I am from Denmark. My DH keeps saying to me that I am rude and that I treat him horribly. I am wondering if it is partly a cultural difference?

It's the end of the summer holidays and I have had a lot of work on (I work from home) and not really had any weekends off. My DH is registered blind so I pretty much do everything. So I am really stressed. My patience is wearing thin.

This morning I got so upset when DH didn't even say goodmorning but just asked for more underwear (I have not put any washing away for a week) and then asked what to serve for SIL and her DH when they come for lunch. I had only just woken up!

So I was not very nice and he lost his patience with me and we had a massive fight right in front of the kids.

Anyway, please don't say LTB. Because I am not going to. I need advise on how to be nicer. I do know that I am less nice when I have a lot on. Which is all the time. Sometimes that is just life. I would just really like to deal with it better.

I know that it will sadly all be better when the kids are back at school. I am just really unhappy as this is technically our wedding anniversary although we have agreed to delay the celebrations.

I feel a bit better now I have it down on paper. I am going to do some work and work out how to get on with the day. I will return to this thread, but as we have guests coming I may not reply immediately. Thank you, if you got this far.

I am wondering if your personality is very much of a "people pleaser" type.
Do you find it hard to actually ask for what you want, is this also you on occasion:-

?I try to be who someone wants me to be.
?am afraid to rock the boat.
?It is hard for me to know what I want.
?I avoid speaking my mind.
?I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.
?I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.
?It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.
?It is difficult for me to say No.
?I avoid getting angry.
?It is hard for me to take initiative.
?I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.
?I want everyone to get along.

You learnt how to people please from somewhere; likely your own family of origin.

Your DH may be blind but he has no right at all to be as rude as he has been to you. I sincerely hope he is not using his blindness as a weapon to bash you with; also you do not have to agree to everything he says to keep the peace.

You can help your own self further. Do get a cleaner in asap.

I would also look into obtaining a carers assessment via the GP if you have not already done this; you are his carer and would be seen as such. Also your DH should make a claim for DLA if this has not already been done.

If your DH does not already claim Blind Persons Allowance from the HMRC this also needs to be looked into.

misscp you are definitely a carer. You should definitely get carer's allowance, glad to hear you get it at middle rate. For applying for it, contact a biggish disability organisation in your area, they often have a specialist helper. Those forms are bloody awful and you have to know how to fill them in to score highly - there's trick questions now and then too. The government is desperate to reduce payments and does not look at actual need but at ways to disqualify anyone who applies. It's a game, a grim and sad game. Knowledgeable support helps a great deal.

Vision-impaired friends also have trouble cleaning actually! Very dusty houses =) So yes, really, do get a cleaner as soon as you can. Someone to hoover and iron and clean the bathroom should help so much.

About the cultural thing, I'm married to a man from a blunt-spoken country. So I can quite believe that there is a slight cultural difference but you've been together for some years by now havent you and should have adjusted to each other. It is much more likely to be stress that leads you both to argue. How blunt you are with each other once you are arguing, that may be culturally influenced. It's not terribly relevant, I think.

I used to work from home but found I was more productive renting an office - I asked around until I found a small business with a spare desk, as commercial rates were too much to make it viable. Something to consider as it would give you a break from DH and the dust? If that doesn't suit, I would suggest working in your home office to strict hours and then close the door on it when finished, plus some sort of ritual to signal the end of the working day - nice cup of tea, shower etc. Sounds daft, but when you work for yourself/from home, it helps to treat it in a more formal way.

You should definitely get carer's allowance

No it isn't automatic at all. If the OP earns over £102 after taxes a week (I think that is the correct amount) then she will not be eligible.

Yep just double checked it is no more to be earned than £102 per week after deductions.

Attilla thanks for your insight and questionnaire ;) Unfortunately I am not a wall flower (grew up with a feminist mum), I am very outspoken and quick to blurt out whatever I think. I think it's hard for me to get an idea of what I want because I am always rushed off my feet ;) When I have quiet periods workwise, I often get a little depressed until I am busy again. I have never been good at not working, then my mind spins. The downside to keeping busy is that I don't notice changes in my needs untill they are screaming at me.

But I do want everybody to get along and I do often end up as middle man in family disagreements. I am working on that! I think I learnt 2 things when my parents divorced. 1: Looking after my sister (not in a big way, she is only 4 years younger than me, but we are very close). 2: How to argue really badly. I am still trying to unlearn that, but it's a slow proces.

I don't agree with everything DH says to keep the peace at all, but generally he is more stubborn and tactical in an argument, where I am all emotions. So I often cave as I can't stand not being friends for very long.

The whole shift when kids arrived was quite difficult for us as a couple. We had a lot of disagreements regarding the division of labour, and he just didn't understand it when we had no 2, he just complained about the lower service level. I had to really stand my ground there, he really resisted it, and it was really tough, but I got there in the end. He generally has trouble putting himself in other people's shoes (is that the expression?). But he learned. the hard way. And he gets it now (mostly), although he does seem to need reminding every now and again.

Meerka, re DH, he does receive DLA, middle component. I have only just started speculating if I am a carer, not for extra income, but for support in the toll it obviously takes on me. I earn too much anyway (not that it's that much!).

Re the cultural thing, you are probably right, Meerka, it's not relevant. At the time of the argument I was trying so hard to understand what was going through DHs head that I figured perhaps that was it. I am still trying to understand him, and what I think happened was that he decided to give me lots of slack as he knew I had a lot on, so in a way he was testing me without telling me, if you see what I mean, he was almost waiting for me to not appreciate his kindness, and when I wasn't being nice in return, as I was so stressed that I couldn't appreciate it much, he unconsciously saw it as a carte blanche for him to tell me off, as I hadn't passed this "test". He is also really stressed, so in a way he set himself up for failure as well. Wow. Does that just sound crazy? Maybe you had to be there...

Phiney, I have often wondered if I should get an office out of home, but I am not sure it would change much, possibly I would just never be home. But deffo an important point anyway.

Earth, thank you for checking, I appreciate it.

Thank you again to everybody on this thread, it's a fantastic help! I will get there. Silver lining: Seems we both got a lot out of our systems during the argument, we are both pretty calm now!

Well, I must get this deadline I have been working on all week out of the way, it's due tomorrow morning. Thankfully the client pays well and on time, so it's worth my effort (almost). When this deadline is completed, I am making a couple of calls, to the window cleaner (so overdue!), the gardener (he's really cheap, thankfully), the local carers support and hopefully I will have had responses to my cleaner ad.