Decision time

[splant]

Married for ten years. During that we've had various problems - depression, miscarriage, money problems.

We've not had sex for at least three years, probably longer. I stopped trying to count. He has weight and body confidence issues but refuses to do anything about it. I'm not allowed to talk about it, or comment on diet etc.

I've tried to be positive but I do feel like I get dragged down. Pretty much all the interesting things we do are initiated by me. It's exhausting and I feel emotionally drained. Not to mention sexually frustrated.

He is on ADs and has had counselling. He's 52, I'm 38.

Do I want to spend the rest of my life being careful not to talk about diet? Not having sex? Tired? But on the other hand we do have times when we are very happy and content and life feels good. So there's light at the end of the tunnel if you like.

I have a friend, a male friend, who I've talked a lot to and it has helped me get a perspective. There's a definite spark between us and something could happen but I would never do that when I'm married. It is probably an emotional affair though - if I get a text I hope it's from him instead of DH. So I'm aware that's a big issue for me to sort out...

The friend is moving up north (we're south east), and I think it's decision time.

I think my options are - cut contact with friend and work as hard as I can on my marriage. Or get out and move up north and see what happens.

Each has its advantages, each has its disadvantages. My gut is to get out but is that just because it's probably the easier option rather than the best? I don't know.

There is a third option, leave the marriage that is making you unhappy and spend some time being single.

If things are meant to work out with the other guy they will, but you need some time to rediscover yourself before jumping in to another relationship, especially one that means relocating to the other end of the country.

Are you saying go 'up North' to follow your friend and start a relationship with him? Do you have children? Is he attached? Has he got work where he is going?

I think it's really easy to try and live the dream and do something rash when you're not happy , but the reality is often very different. If neither of you have children and your 'friend' is single and moving North for work and you want to run away from your marriage to be with him I'm going to struggle to say don't go to be honest. Because I think I would in your situation.

Sorry, we have no children. He can't - that's been a factor in the problems we've had I think, and in his depression and lack of confidence.

That's a pretty major factor I guess - my mind's not particularly straight at the moment. I'm trying not to dripfeed but it's tough to get everything out sraight.

Yes, there is that third option, of being single. Good point.

The heading up to north would be a 'see what happens'. Friend is single, no kids either.

Thanks for the replies, you are helping.

I think you need to cut the "friend" out of the equation. This marriage doesn't involve him.

I think your husband is being unfair though and is dragging you down. If he's not willing to make changes to improve is life and would rather wallow in shit, why should you have to join him?

I'm not married so feel free to disregard my advice, but you only get one chance at life and it must be devastating for women who have stayed in shot marriages to one day look in the mirror, realise they're no longer young and think "Fuck. That was it." You're young though...

Have to ask about the friend... it's odd that moving up North with him is an option. Have you discussed this? Has nothing at all happened between you?

Have to ask about the friend... it's odd that moving up North with him is an option. Have you discussed this? Has nothing at all happened between you?

It wouldn't be moving as a relationship, it would be housesharing & "friends with benefits" type thing, as much as I hate the phrase, see what happens.

We had a very frank discussion yesterday where I opened up about every single problem in the marriage. Which helped a lot and prompted a chat about the fact we do have feelings for each other but wouldn't act on them whilst I'm married. Me moving hasn't been discussed specifically but is 100% an option. As is moving somewhere else and staying single.

Swear on my life nothing physical has happened between us.

Yes, it's not

• Do I want to be married?
• Do I want to be with my friend?

it's

• Do I want to be married?
• Do I want to not be married?

Thank you. Although I still can't answer the question!

Oh Splant just go and live your life and be happy. You are 38, I assume still have hopes of having a family?

I'm sorry, I'm going to go against everyone well meaning and sensible advice and say 'run, be free'. It might not work out but I don't think you should stay in your marriage anyway as it doesn't sound fun and you are still young.

Just be kind to your husband and tell him you are leaving. Don't just disappear and leave a note. Pack all your things so you are ready to jump in a taxi and sit down and tell him you are not happy and you are moving out. Then go ..... and update us!!

Ha, thanks NewEra... appropriate username

I think that is a big factor too about being kind. I do still have a lot of affection and love for him and I think part of the problem is that I don't want to see him hurt. That's definitely a factor in not wanting to leave. But it hurts me to be rejected too. It hurts me to be sad.

Splant - not one to say this often but do as New Era says....run and be free! Have an amicable (well as much as you can) break up and get on with your life. Three years without sex is a long time for him to sort his issues out, and he's probably not going to while you're with him. Break up, leave it six months then decide whether you want to get divorced. Forget the other man for a while though, it'll only complicate things and you don't want to run off with the first bloke who shows you any interest.

splant in the specific set of circumstances you describe, I'd be gone.

I have a lot of sympathy for MH/body confidence issues having lived with my own. But I have little sympathy for people who refuse to seek help and use them as a stick to beat others with. It's a horrible and miserable existence to feel like that. But it's unforgivable to force someone else to share in your own personal misery.

I would also run. I'm different to the others though, I would go up north with this friend. I wouldn't get embroiled in a new relationship with him, but as a friend, yes, I would go.

Off you go then lol, you have permission for three of us, go and be happy and get yourself some sex

I'm not sure I'd know what goes where.

Thanks all, genuinely. I still haven't quite made up my mind - it's obviously easier to say someone should do something than to actually do it. But I appreciate your advice so much.

It would actually be far easier if he was a complete twat having affairs all over the place, abusing me etc. The fact that underneath all the problems is an incredible person who I fell in love with makes it harder.

But it is my life too - as you say it's noot fair for me to be unhappy and three years could turn into thirty at the blink of an eye.

I'll decide tonight, to either cut and run or give it another twelve months of making it the best marriage I can. I know now that I can't just drift sadly through life like I am at the moment.

Of course it's easier to say "do it!" than it is to actually do it. You've got emotions tied up in your situation and your life that aren't being considered here.

I married someone in similar circumstances. I needed someone to lean on, he was a rescuer. We were together for 13 years. 13 long; not always miserable, but rarely very happy, years; 13 years largely without sex; he had his own serious issues that were initially masked by mine, and once I gained in confidence and no longer 'needed' him, the dynamic of the relationship changed for the worse.

I didn't leave because I had the children. But had I not had children, I would have taken an opportunity to relocate and start a new life. I'd be less likely to today, because I have build up friends and a support network now, but I don't feel tied to one place anyway and have upped and moved in the past when I was younger and didn't have the children to consider.

For me, it wouldn't be about started a new relationship, it would be about starting a new life, with a new job and new friends, new opportunities, a new community, a new area... Do you have a job currently?

Sorry to hear that, FolkGirl, I hope you're happier now.

Job isn't an issue, I can work anywhere, haven't even met most of the people I work for so geography is irrelevant. Without going into detail, if anything the new location would actually offer me more opportunities. It would be a very good move from that point of view I think.

I have no problem at all settling into new places, meeting people, exploring so no problems there either.

So from a logisitcal point of view there aren't really any issues. For me it's entirely about whether it's worth the effort to try and rescue happiness from the marriage and to not hurt someone I care for any more than necessary.

If you still have the desire for a family, albeit with someone else, then please don't wait

But the thing is, you say maybe give it another 12 months and make it the best marriage that "you can". But that's not how marriages work.

You have already said that it's you who puts all the effort in to try and give yourselves a half decent life, and he refuses to work on any of his issues.

You sound so dreadfully unhappy.

In all honesty, if you are unhappy the majority of the time, then I don't think you can do much more. You already say that you are exhausted. One person can't carry a marriage. I'm sorry but they just can't.

I think you should leave and be single for a while. It sounds like you have lost your freedom, but haven't gained anything in return.

I agree with NewEra too. Your gut instinct agrees too. I think it's probably going to cause hurt whatever way you do it, and I'm sure you will do it as kindly as possible but getting through without ever causing anyone hurt is an impossibility ...

Life is calling you, splant

Thanks. I'm not sure about the family thing. At the moment I/we are actually quite happy about not having children - but it was very, very difficult when we found we couldn't. How much of my feelings about being happy without kids is my brain dealing with it I'm not sure - the old MN classic of cognitive dissonance I think.

I've been thinking about the times I've been happy recently. That feeling of bliss and contentment. And most of the times it's been around things either we've done that I've initiated - even, say, walks or having friends around. Always me who suggests it and organises it. Or it's been times when I've been on my own. Out walking or fruit picking or spending time with friends (yes, that friend especially), yoga etc. But it's all been me doing or starting these things.

It's not really a decision is it? I feel numb.

Have you told him this? Do you think he will ever change?

what kay said ... needs both of you to work on this marriage. Either he works on his issues or you decided to live with the status quo for the rest of your/his life. Can you do that? Having a list of things you aren't allowed to talk about is a big wall in the marriage, especially since it's about things you care about like sex.

If you decide to stay - can you look at having a child by a donor? would he entertain that idea?

We have talked, rb32, although it can be difficult with the depression. There's basically no chance of talking about weight/diet. At all. And it's not hugely overweight, just enough to reduce confidence and make it harder to be active - won't swim, struggles on long walks etc.

Sex, we have talked about (initiated by me, again) and it looked like things might improve but they haven't. He will help me masturbate occasionally, although I always have to 'finish off'. Won't let me touch his privates at all, nor will masturbate in front of me, and I'm 99% sure he doesn't away from me either. That's a genuine sureness, by the way, not a naive "my husband never wanks" exclamation

As for changing I don't know. I don't see how there is going to be a magic change any time soon. The thing I see on here all the time (I'm a regular, namechanged) is that you can't change people, they have to want to change. He doesn't seem to want to change.

Example: one of the main reasons for the lack of body confidence is weight. But there isn't even a willingness to change a diet. So every time I watch him eat a rich pudding, or a packet of crisps or a bar of chocolate all I can think of is "You're choosing that over me. You'd rather eat that chocolate than have sex with me."

Sorry, didn't see that Merrka. Thanks for the suggestion. We looked into that but neither of us were comfortable with the donor idea. Rational or not we wanted it to be "all ours" or not at all. I was/am completely happy with that. If it was the other way around and it was his sperm/my eggs I would have felt the same way.

Not having children isn't part of issue here, now, I'm confident of that. Although the feelings we had a few years ago because of it caused problems with the depression, so it's a cause from that point of view, but not the specific reason either of us are unhappy right now. I think that makes sense!

I think if I said that I was leaving my wife because she was depressed. Her depression was mainly down to her being unable to have children.
Also, we hadn't had sex for 3 years because she has weight and body issues. I'm trying to get her to diet but she won't. Plus, I have a female friend I'm very emotionally close to. We have both said we are in to each other. I have an option of leaving my wife and moving away to live together as fuck buddies.....I think I would get some harsh treatment on here and in RL.

However, it's not up to you to fix someone and you only have one life. You may want to try for children of your own. I don't have any answers for you there.

I think you should remember that lack of motivation (be it with weight or socialising) and withdrawing are real symptoms of depression. If you expect depression not to affect your DH then I'm afraid that's unrealistic. If depression had no affect then I doubt it would ever need treating....but that doesn't mean you are obliged to be the carer or fixer.

I take your points King1982, and something similar did cross my mind actually as I was typing. To be honest if I'd have phrased it like you have I'd have got a deserved drubbing too, I'm sure.

However... I'm not trying to get him to diet, I worry privately about the fact that he won't. And has specifically, unprompted told me not to talk about it. The depression is related to significantly more than just not having children. Again, I'm confident that's the case.

What your version of my post also doesn't address is the underlying feelings I have. I'm not some shallow twat who wants a trophy husband with a six pack to parade around. I want someone who actually makes me feel wanted, makes me feel good about myself. Holds me. I don't want to gaze at his pecks I want to be intimate and happy with him.

One other thing I completely forgot about (sorry, it is difficult to remember everything without rambling) was that we nearly did split up a couple of years ago. He said he was holding me back and that I should leave if I wanted to. I chose not to because I thought it could work. Things are better now than they were then but not significantly. Sorry, that's pretty big, I'm not sure how I didn't remember it.

I have tried everything I can think of. He's had counselling with limited success. Is on antidepressants. But I had to go to the doctor a second time to make sure he was honest about his feelings because what he told the first doctor was a distortion so ended up on the wrong tablets. I've supported, walked on egg shells, cajoled, left alone, helped. This hasn't been going on for a couple of months. The last three or four YEARS have been difficult enough. Can I do another thirty? Should I?

It was more a comment on the posters than on you OP. I know my scenario was reductive but people tend to pick up on sound bites on here.
You should do what you want to do. There is no clear deadlines with treating depression. Sometimes it can take years to get the correct meds and diagnosis. Psychotherapy can be very hit and miss, even if you go private.
There isn't a right answer really. Only you will know. I think everyone will say not to have an affair. You don't have to stay or leave but I'd cool of your friendship and get your head clear for your decision.