Decision time

[splant]

Married for ten years. During that we've had various problems - depression, miscarriage, money problems.

We've not had sex for at least three years, probably longer. I stopped trying to count. He has weight and body confidence issues but refuses to do anything about it. I'm not allowed to talk about it, or comment on diet etc.

I've tried to be positive but I do feel like I get dragged down. Pretty much all the interesting things we do are initiated by me. It's exhausting and I feel emotionally drained. Not to mention sexually frustrated.

He is on ADs and has had counselling. He's 52, I'm 38.

Do I want to spend the rest of my life being careful not to talk about diet? Not having sex? Tired? But on the other hand we do have times when we are very happy and content and life feels good. So there's light at the end of the tunnel if you like.

I have a friend, a male friend, who I've talked a lot to and it has helped me get a perspective. There's a definite spark between us and something could happen but I would never do that when I'm married. It is probably an emotional affair though - if I get a text I hope it's from him instead of DH. So I'm aware that's a big issue for me to sort out...

The friend is moving up north (we're south east), and I think it's decision time.

I think my options are - cut contact with friend and work as hard as I can on my marriage. Or get out and move up north and see what happens.

Each has its advantages, each has its disadvantages. My gut is to get out but is that just because it's probably the easier option rather than the best? I don't know.

I know what you mean about a partner, slightly overweight, with body issues not actually making a change or helping themselves. My gf is exactly the same - though we still have a good sex life so it's not a issue in our relationship.I can't bring it up with her either as the couple of times, ages ago, I've tried to encourage her to do something about it she just clams up and gets upset. Nothing you can really do about it and the depression probably stops him doing anything about it. Viscious cycle!

But it's been years of this for you, and maybe it's time to make the change yourself.

OK, I see King1982. Thanks for clarifying - as I said not everything is going clearly through my mind right now.

Affair - absolutely. Whatever happens I want to be able to look him in the eyes and honestly be able to say I have done this the right way, if there is such a think. I have many friends who have been hurt by affairs, as far as I'm concerned you either stay in a marriage and make things right or you leave it. You don't have crossover. That's party why I'm not happy about the EA aspect that's developed with my friend. It's very unfair.

Yes, rb32, the depression is a viscious cycle - how do you get fit if you can't motivate yourself to start? Very difficult.

King I take your point, but I think that anyone in a relationship that makes them this unhappy deserves better.

splant what sort of counselling has he had? Could CBT help? Why is he no longer receiving counselling? I agree about depression being a vicious circle, but for most people there are moments of clarity, however brief, that he can capitalise on. So when you and he have done things together, does he enjoy it? Does he say anything positive afterwards?

Just devising SMART targets to make small improvements can help. But if you aren't able to talk to him...

Folkgirl - I agree. That's what I have said. OP, has every right to leave.
I think OP should back away from her friend, because it clouds her decision. It will either lead to an affair or the friend will be an emotional crutch which may make the OP more likely to drift in an unhappy relationship.
If OP decides to stay she needs to set clear short term goals, along with DH, to motivate and also measure improvement in the relationship. A healthier relationship with friend will also need to be achieved.
If she leaves she should make a strong clear decision and I wish her luck

Splant - do you think it would have been easier if we had all jumped on you and said you should stick by your vows and stay with your husband?

It's almost as though you wanted to be told you are a terrible person for wanting out. It would certainly be the easier option, do nothing, stay out, keep the status quo. Problem is inaction will result in no change and you have already said you are unhappy.

*stay put

It was 10 sessions on the NHS. We simply can't afford private, although there is a doctor's appointment next week to catch-up and there might be a chance of some more now that enough time has passed. Anti depressants are definitely helping, now the dose is right.

I've tried gently with some mindfulness books although that was quite difficult - I asked after a few days if he had read it and the answer was very short/stressed "no, don't ask, just let me read it if I want to".

Not CBT although it's something I've been reading a lot about it just lately. I have to be sensitive about introducing it though.

Yes to feeling positive about things we've done together, definitely. But it's short-lived. And doesn't lead to suggestions for next time, it's me who has to do that.

NewEraNewMindset Haha. You're probably not far off there. I'm quite good at beating myself up over stuff on my own though

Current plan:

Back away from friend. I am seeing him tonight to talk about this so we will be frank and open and grown-up about it and sort it out. It's not quite a "pick one or the other" decision, because as I've realised with your wonderful help it's about wanting to be in my marriage or not.

Then tomorrow I am going to sit down with DH and a pot of tea and we will talk about everything, however uncomfortable it is. I'm going to be calm and sensitive, but firm too. We will talk about diet and exercise and health not because I want a sexy husband (well...) but because it is causing a fundamental difficulty in our marrriage. I'm going to write some notes to discretely refer to - I don't want it to look like a list of his shortcomings.

Then I'm going to make a decision, which will be to stay or to go. If I stay (and I do believe there is a chance this could be fixed) then I will make sure we are both putting relatively equal amounts of energy into making the marriage a happy one.

If I go I'll do it openly and honestly. I won't have to admit to an affair because there won't be one. If I end up wherever my friend is so be it, but that won't be the reason I leave.

OP, there was a thread on AIBU (not long ago) and it was about dealing with and help for depression. There were 100s of posts and the overwhelming way of helping with depression was exercise. This was closely followed by diet/nutrition.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2167450-To-ask-what-actually-helped-when-you-were-suffering-from-depression

Thanks King, yes I read quite a lot of that one. Unfortunately all the mention of exercise being wonderful made me really tense . I'm quite fit, and deliberately make an effort too - not to shame but no normalise / encourage. But nothing happens, it's an attitude. So when we see someone jogging, for instance, his reaction is (sometimes, not always) "urgh, what a silly thing to do" or "why would you want to do that?".

I have to be sensitive about introducing it though

The thing is, it's not really your place to be introducing these things. Being depressed doesn't stop you from seeking help, it just means it's a lot harder and you have to really push yourself, even when you feel so heavy that you can't even move.

I'm going to get flamed for this, but I do have experience of MH issues, mine and other peoples, and some people do like to 'indulge' themselves. I'm not talking about the days you can't get out of bed and the heaviness in almost painful, I'm talking about the days in between. Because depression is like all conditions - there are days when you don't feel as bad as others, and days when you feel far, far worse. On those better days, some people will take positive action and others will 'wallow' in the tragic waste of their lives that depression is.

Much like alcoholism: you didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Yes to feeling positive about things we've done together, definitely. But it's short-lived. And doesn't lead to suggestions for next time, it's me who has to do that.

So when that happens, capitalise on that to start formulating simple SMART goals and targets. He doesn't get to duck out of those, because they are part of his 'treatment'.

So for example, every Sunday morning you can go to the park for a walk or something. To begin with, you make sure that he has the clothes to wear for it ready, or whatever, so that all he has to do is get up, have breakfast or whatever, get dressed and go. That way the 'good feeling' will happen regularly and frequently, even if it is shortlived. It also means that he will have more, recent, happy memories to draw on. But he will have to be active in it. You can't do it for him.

King Yes I agree. Sorry, didn't want you to think I'd have said something different if it had been a man posting about his wife, that's all

But the bottom line is, that if he's making negative comments about other people's positive lifestyles, he's not going to change, because he's not really interested in it. He's not saying, "I wish I could do that". He's talking about it negatively.

Honestly, I wouldn't advocate an affair, or FB/FWB situation with this friend, but I think I'd certainly be 'parallel planning' as far as my next move was concerned.

Good plan Splant and good luck!

Thanks FolkGirl, that's really helpful.

I think what you're saying aboug parallel planning is a good idea actually, and it fits in with my desire to be sure I'm doing this right, with the least pain, but combined with my desire to be actually happy. It gives me an exit strategy, if you'll forgive me going a bit corporate!

At the moment I just don't know whether it's my frustrated libido doing the thinking or whether it's all of me that is thinking about going. If it's the former then I think it would be sad to end a marriage for without trying to fix it. He's helped me through some tough times in the past and I respect that, however many tough times he's causing me now.

Tomorrow's conversation will hopefully reveal a lot.

We've split up

So sorry it came to that splant. Are you ok?

OP-
Hope you're ok

Hope you're OK op. It must have been a hard conversation to have.

Oh no, what happened?

Hope you're ok Splant.

I'm sorry you will now go through a separation.
From what you have written though, it is probably the best thing for both of you.
How did the talk go?
for you and some later!