Has anyone proposed to their dp? I'm considering it...

[ShouldITakeThePlunge]

Just after some opinions/experience really. I adore my dp. I realise (vom alert) that I've never truly loved anyone before the way I do him, and I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone else. No blinkers on, we've been together 18 months,have seen each other through a bereavement, my dc love him, as do I. We're in the process of moving in together, his lease is up just after Christmas, and we're both ebaying like mad to make space and extra money for it.
We're off on holiday tomorrow with a group of close friends, but we'll get some much needed time to ourselves while we're there. I know he's taking me out to afternoon tea one day, and I am seriously toying with the idea of asking him to marry me while we're there. I'm just doubting myself as I don't know anyone who has asked their boyfriend to marry them. I don't know when we'll really get the opportunity for some time alone this side of Christmas as the dc go back to school straight after we get back (child free holiday, they're with the grandparents). Would doing it while we're away with other people be a BAD idea? I need opinions, or experience from people who've done it. I couldn't be more sure that I want to marry this amazing man, and it all feels a bit backwards to me that I'm expected to wait til he asks me. Anyone!?

No experience of proposing, but 18 months is still considered "honeymoon period" territory; up to now, you have been seeing each other from separate homes, only showing your best sides, and while he may spend a lot of time at yours and you at his, it's still not the same as the daily grind of bills, balancing family logistics with time as a couple, and him possibly being the one to discipline your children.

If you still feel the same after a year or so of living together, then have at it.

I did. We has been living together for about 2 years though and owned a house together. No kids at that point. I think he was delighted I asked. I wouldn't have proposed to someone I had not lived with first personally but I am cautious by nature.

Aaaah how lovely and romantic - go for it !

Maybe he's planning the same at afternoon tea?

The not living together is just a formality really. He comes here after work, I cook his dinner, he'll put he kids to bed. It's just trying to end his contract, whe his landlord is at best a bit rubbish. I'm truly confident that I know him warts and all. We pretty much share finances and have the same attitude to that kind of thing (ie, we're both a bit tight) the only thing stopping me is that it's not the 'done thing' and that's clearly stupid. We're all going over to my parents tomorrow before we leave, maybe I should take my dad aside and ask for my own hand...

Do whatever you feel comfortable with... there is no right/wrong or guidelines for relationships!
I know couples that got married after less than a year and have lasted much longer than couples that have known each other for years!
Glad your happy! Let us know your decision! :)

I would wait until you have actually lived together before thinking about moving into marriage territory.

If you are seriously loved up etc then there is no rush.

Just enjoy living together for at least six months first. I knew I wanted to marry my partner after a year together, but we both agreed that living together was an important first step. We are engaged now, and obviously I still want to marry him, but now it's less of a "I'M SO HAPPY LET'S GET MARRIED" type affair and more of a "I love this person, we work well, we've done the non glamorous stuff together, so let's get married".

It was him who wanted to wait more than I did, but I am really happy that we didn't rush into anything.

I think the woman proposing works if the guy has made it clear he wants to get married but the woman needed a bit more time to think about it, where two people have been living together for a long time and both have a very relaxed attitude towards the idea of getting married, or when the man is super hyper liberal and doesn't give a shit.

My partner would have been horrified if I had proposed. I think most men see it as their role to do the asking, and their partner doing it would take away what they see as a huge life event for them. Even the most modern, liberal guys I know have said it would make them feel really uncomfortable.

One guy friend described it as:

Imagine you are getting married and you are excited about going wedding dress shopping with your mum and sisters, trying on the dresses, trying on the veils, looking through make up artists portfolios or watching tutorials on pinterest, choosing the perfect shoes...etc. Then your fiancé comes home with a dress and says "hey I got your dress for you and my sister is going to do your make up". Even if the dress is nice and the sister is good at make up, you've seen had those experiences taken away from you, which you grew up understanding were YOUR role, not theirs.

It's obviously not a direct comparison, but I think you should tread carefully. For a lot of men, the actual proposal is the only part of the "getting married" journey that they have sole control over and can surprise the bride with. For everything else, let's face it, the bride might ask for opinions but will generally go for her preference, and will know exactly what is going to happen on the day.

I did.
Although kind of accidentally. I was at home and he was out with his mates. I text a soppy message about how great he was and at the end I put 'marry me?' He replied 'ermm. Yes, well errm nah. Fuck it ok then' we had been together 3 months both still lived with our parents ( aged 17 and 26) and got married 5 months after that well celebrated not an elopement. 15 years ago now. We'd probably have fell in to the trap of moving in and not getting round to getting married if I hadn't.

We got engaged after 6 months and weren't living together...go for it!!!

Just my personal experience, but the now Mrs Sponge proposed to me at the stroke of midnight on new years eve/day as the new year was a leap year and women are 'allowed' to do it in a leap year. She was 19 and I was 21 and we had been together about 18 months at the time and lots of people - parents included - expressed doubt that we were serious and/or should get married. In October this year we will have been married for 24 years, so it can and does work out ok.

I proposed to my DH, we'd been in a relationship for about 6 years and living together for a year at that point, no children. DH didn't feel cheated out of a grand gesture of a proposal, that wasn't us anyway. You could use afternoon tea as an opportunity to put your cards on the table and talk about what you want long term. That would allow him to do the ring presentation nonsense later on if he wanted. I would worry about the fact that you don't formally live together, if it all goes horribly wrong in 6 months time, it's the living together which is hard to get out of, rather than the engagement. FWIW you sound like you're approaching this sensibly and have considered compatibility. Good luck whatever you decide.

I did.

It was a disaster. Sorry, I don't want to piss on your bonfire but thought I would share.

I asked him, and he accepted, but only because he felt he had to. The engagement lasted less than 6 months, and after realising it was definitely not what he wanted, I called it off. We are still together 5 years later though, with a lovely DS.

I would love to get married, and he says we will "one day" but I really regret asking him and the engagement was horrid.

Obviously that is my personal story! Don't let it put you off, everyone is different and your DP may be overjoyed at the prospect.

Although personally I wouldn't want things to get "serious" after only 18 months, that's a personal thing though. Planning a wedding can be stressful...I found it to be a shit storm, family dynamics-wise. It was not fun and caused arguments.

God I am such a fun sponge. Sorry.

Charlie, what difference did being engaged make, if you don't mind me asking? If you're still together then why call off the engagement? I see it as the natural next step. I really have no blinkers about this man. He has a good heart and he makes my life better just by being in it. Tbh I've never even considered marriage with anyone in the past. I'd probably have turned anyone else down if I'm honest. I think we both have realistic expectations of each other. But perhaps I should wait. Or even just discuss it with him. I don't really care about a proposal, we could just decide together if it's something we want to do. A big grand gesture isn't really us.

I have decided that I will do it in a few years. We had big discussions about commitment and decided we wanted that and to have a family but neither of us were fussed about being married.
What I now realise is that we weren't fussed by a wedding but I do find myself wanting to be married on two levels - legal parts if something was to happen to either of us and also the romance parts - since having our first baby I'm still if not more in love with this man. So we're going to try for a second baby in the new year, and all being well when that baby is a toddler I'm going to go for it (unless for some crazy reasons he does it!)
I don't see why a woman can't ask a man, but as with so many things it does depend on individuals - you're the person in the best position surely to know whether he will love the fact that you've done it and taken it out of his responsibility, or whether he will silently resent it. I'm pretty confident that my DP would be quite amused at me doing something like this and see it as typical of my 'quietly bossy' nature!

I did. Had been together 5 months. It wasn't a big down-on-one knee thing. In fact not planned at all. I'd caution against a big official proposal. It puts a lot of pressure on, and it might spoil the holiday a bit if he gives anything but a resounding "yes". Better wait till you get home.

Bouncin, I am also rather known for my love of being in control . I am also thinking more about the legal protection we'd get from being married. I'd have every intention of him adopting the dc, it petrified me to think what would happen to them if something happened to me. We've recently experienced a completely unexpected pregnancy which sadly ended in miscarriage and if anything it did make me love him more. He was so strong for me when I needed it, but wasn't afraid to show me his feelings too. He's a real star, unselfish to a fault. I'm going to mull things over a bit more. I can always change my mind before we go out, and tbh if I do wait til we move in, what's a few more months?

I proposed, but we had only been dating six weeks so there wasn't a lot to lose (apart from the love of my life, of course.) In that context, DH was thrilled to be asked, it made him feel like a real catch. I think he still does, fifteen years down the line.

I did. We were sort of daring each other one Monday morning before work "Well, if I said this would you say that" sort of thing. It worked out that I had to ask him to marry me somehow. This turned out to be great actually, because it completely took the pressure off. We had a lovely day in London getting my ring together, had lunch at the Ritz, came back and told my parents. It was a really happy, joint enterprise. He had been planning on proposing to me in a huge way, and I'm so pleased it didn't happen like that - it made it so much more special to have a fun happy day where we both knew what was going on. However, I will say that it was clear that he would say yes, we'd discussed that we were right for each other beforehand, and there was a feeling of inevitability about it. We're still together 11 years later - there was a rocky period, but we came through it. The rocky period had nothing to do with the proposal though!

Well, I knew deep down his heart wasn’t in it and that realisation hurt me hugely. We had been together nearly 8 years I think, and always said marriage wasn’t for us, but I changed my mind and thought he would too. I thought things would be fantastic, planning our wedding, and having a day to tell everyone how much we loved each other, sealing our love etc

BUT. We argued about where we would do it (our families live on opposite ends of the country), we argued with our family members about where we would do it (my sister stopped speaking to me for a while). We just argued about all of it.

As soon as I called it off, we were happy again (except I was heartbroken), as in the arguments stopped and we carried on with normal life.

So all in all the engagement was an unpleasant experience for me. It caused too much stress and didn’t seem worth it. We didn’t want to split either, so we just called it off.

From my (bitter) experience, I would be very cautious. You are enjoying each other so much now, why jeopardise it?

Then again, it could be the best thing you could ever do! I am just speaking from my personal experience. I really don’t like being the one with a huge downer, of course it works out really well in other people’s cases. It just turned horribly sour for me and all my hopes and dreams of a romantic engagement and wedding were trampled upon. It was a really sad time for me.

Presumably charlieTango you would have had the same/similar problems planning a wedding had he proposed?

No, because if he had proposed, he would have WANTED to get married.

The thing that made it impossible was that he said yes, when he didn't really want to say yes.

Fair enough.

If you want to, then do it. I'd prepare myself for all possible answers though. How each response would make you feel and respond.
18 months, in the grand scheme of things, isn't that long.

Surely that's not to do with the gender of the proposer though charlie that was more to do with your partner specifically not wanting to get married?

I think most men see it as their role to do the asking, and their partner doing it would take away what they see as a huge life event for them. Even the most modern, liberal guys I know have said it would make them feel really uncomfortable.

Obviously they're not that modern or liberal then?!