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Original poster

Had sex for the first time after dc..

35 replies

PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears · 29/08/2014 06:46

Dd 20mo and ds 3 weeks, we had sex for the first time last night after ds... Dp couldn't ejaculate :(
Feeling pretty crap, we had sex once during pregnancy as I was so exhausted, I don't doubt he's been 'self servicing' which is fine, but I'm feeling pretty horrific about last night.

I had internal second degree tear, which had stitches- would he be able to feel these? / would it feel different?
I know I still have a slight 'pregnancy belly' but I'm actually proud of how quickly it's gone down, maybe he just doesn't find me attractive any more?

I'm going to talk to him about it tonight, but I want to be prepared, help? :(

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 29/08/2014 06:52

Are you sure you were both really ready?

We waited a couple of months and dp wasn't really into it as he was scared of hurting me, or me not really wanting to once we started. Things got back to normal as we both got back to normal in our everyday lives.

Original poster
PinkAndBlueBedtimeBears · 29/08/2014 07:24

I was ready, and I'm fairly sure he at least thought he was- he initiated it!
I didn't think of him not being able to relax as he was worried about hurting me :/

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 29/08/2014 07:28

I thought you were advised to wait 6 weeks? 3 weeks is not long after what you have been through, I am sure your DH was so worried about hurting you he couldn't relax.

Maybe some intimacy & cuddles for a couple of weeks before you gently try again?

KoalaKoo · 29/08/2014 07:29

3 weeks is very early, many or most women wait til 6 weeks, longer if they have had stitches. I think he probably felt it was early and this was distracting him.

ftmsoon · 29/08/2014 07:34

3weeks is very soon to DTD. My DD is 16 weeks and we aren't back to finishing by PIV yet. TMI: we finish each other or DH does both at the same time(!).
I think don't make it a big deal or it will become a massive one! Give yourselves a chance before you start on the 'doesn't he fancy me any more?' road.

Roomaloo · 29/08/2014 07:56

Also something else to consider (or ask) is if he's been masturbating a lot he could have been holding it rather tight (death grip!) which can then make it harder to climax when less..well..stimulated. Or so I've read. So always a possibility. Maybe he should abstain for a while

Whatever the reason it's NO reflection on you.

StrawberryMouse · 29/08/2014 08:03

Was going to say death grip... If he's used to the sensation of his hand rather than actual sex it can be difficult for him to get the same stimulation. There are articles all over the internet about this, please don't beat yourself up, I really, seriously doubt it's you! Three weeks is very soon esp with stitches, maybe he is very conscious of not hurting you etc?

mustardtomango · 29/08/2014 08:24

3 weeks, good lord. Your body is still recovering, even if there are changes in how it feels right now it won't last long. I only comfortably dtd after maybe 7 months! Up until then it just kept on feeling like I was giving birth again (third degree tear, dh never commented on a change of sensation but he may have been kind). All normal now though

jackydanny · 29/08/2014 08:25

And conscious of getting you pregnant!
It's not impossible...I know three children with 10 month age gaps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2014 08:31

For goodness sake.... So what if you've not had sex much during pregnancy or that he couldn't ejaculate? Are you really so insecure that you're starting to worry that you're no longer attractive? Are you being put under pressure by your partner or being made to feel substandard? You're in a long-term partnership, you've got children together, you presumably love each other and want each other to be happy. If the insecurity is coming from within then please relax and have a little more confidence in yourself. If you're being made to feel insecure, don't tolerate it.

Fairylea · 29/08/2014 08:36

3 weeks?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

It doesn't sound like you were ready at all. There is no harm in waiting a good while before you feel better emotionally and physically. I'd definitely at least wait until you've had your 6 week check and you know everything is healing as it should be.

AntiDistinctlyMintyMunty · 29/08/2014 08:45

3 weeks? Crikey, I'd have to agree with pp that it's still very early. I had a similar tear to yours and dh and I waited 8 weeks before even trying. He was worried about hurting me too, and that meant that things didn't go as smoothly as they used to. I think it was definitely too soon at 8 weeks for me, so I really wouldn't worry yet. Give yourself time to heal Thanks

FragglerockAmpersand · 29/08/2014 08:49

Oh come now (pun massively not intended) it's heaps too early. And he's probably super worried about hurting you.

You've enough to contend with without fretting about this, honest (and congrats on the baby Thanks )

BolshierAyraStark · 29/08/2014 08:50

3 weeks??? Shock. What the fuck is it with people rushing back into dtd...

It's possible that your body just wasn't ready for it at all. Perhaps give it a week or so & try again though it does sound as though you have self confidence issues & I'd address those tbh.

CornChips · 29/08/2014 08:50

Ouch, ouch. You poor thing. We did not DTD for months and months..... 6 months maybe? (I had pnd though).

ShowMeTheWonder · 29/08/2014 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 09:24

I asked my midwife when we could dtd. "When you feel ready" for me that was three days. No stitches though.

Sometimes my dp doesn't finish soometimes i don't. For me it doesn't matter too much if i orgasm.

Please don't take it personally. In fact don't mention it again. If it happens again then have a chat but i honestly think talking about it gives it more power and may affect future times.

Congratulations on the baby :)

shotyourfox · 29/08/2014 09:45

I think you are overreacting. Your DH has only dtd the deed with you once during pregnancy and yesterday was the first time for sometime. I would bet he was scared of hurting you and had some performance anxiety. He can't be that put off by your post pregnancy body as you made baby number 2 Grin

shotyourfox · 29/08/2014 09:46

Oh and don't feel pressured to dtd the dead. Post baby you have to be ready in mind as well as body.

shotyourfox · 29/08/2014 09:47

oops not do the dead obviously. Meant the deed!!

Standinginline · 29/08/2014 09:49

All these women moaning about having sex so early after giving birth. I had sex 2 weeks after both my pregnancies. But then I had no tears or anything.

Mugg1ns · 29/08/2014 10:07

Never mind his orgasm, how was yours ?

Idontseeanysontarans · 29/08/2014 10:15

Due to a couple of things we couldn't/didn't DTD from around 4 months into my pregnancy all 3 times and left it for around a month afterwards, the first time was a strange mixture of both really wanting to, him being terrified of hurting me and me being unable to fully relax.
I would suggest leaving full sex for a while longer and do other things until you can both be more comfortable.
One thing that I think I might get a virtual thumping for but DH did admit that seeing me go through labour and the pain associated with it made it harder for him to relax, and by association,me as he kept asking me if I was ok... Which was sweet but bloody off putting!

Audeca · 29/08/2014 10:21

From a male perspective and purely on the ejeculation issue (obvs. don't really have anything to add on sex after birth issue) I suspect Roomaloo &c. could be on the money with the 'Death Grip'.

If this is the case then it doesn't require him to stop masturbating to get past it, just to change style and use a lighter grip. Dan Savage has discussed it several times in the past and, because Savage Love is the best sex/relationship column in existence and everyone should read it, i'll quote at length:

It's almost impossible to masturbate too much (and anyway, there are a whole lot of unwanted kittens in this world). One potential pitfall ...is habituating yourself to a particular kind of stimulation. If you masturbate in the exact same way every time, or if you hold your cock in a death grip every time, you may find it difficult to climax as the result of other, more subtle sensations. So don't grip yourself too firmly, and don't masturbate by humping the same scratchy bit of your mattress over and over again. Make an effort to vary your style, and you'll make an easier transition from your own right hand to the less intense, more subtle, and infinitely more pleasurable sensations...

Congrats on the kid :)

Mugg1ns · 29/08/2014 10:40

That implies that gentlemen often employ this 'death grip' technique, which I'm not sure is true.
Besides, in the OP's situation, he would have resorted to that had that been his problem - she would have posted "he couldn't ejaculate until he wanked it as though he was trying to kill it".
Rather, I suspect he was concerned about her and her stitches, or a multitude of other things that entered his head and spoiled the moment for him.