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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does this cross the line?

27 replies

Summerbreezer · 28/08/2014 22:34

I know there is no definitive answer to this, but I would be interested to know your thoughts.

There is a man in my life who I see regularly on a one to one basis (in a professional capacity). He is a long term relationship, I am single.

Over time, we have got to know each other well (inevitable when you spend time together one on one I suppose). We talk, we laugh. We tease each other.

I know he finds me physically attractive. (He has said so). I feel the same way. (I have not said so).

Despite that - there is nothing is said that I wouldn't want his girlfriend to hear. It is all appropriate and above board. It is just that there is undeniably a lot of chemistry there.

I know that we all go through life sometimes being attracted to other people - it doesn't mean we will act upon it.

I also know that neither of us would take it any further. There is too much to lose and I am definitely not OW material. I won't be any man's second choice.

We have just arranged to see each other outside the professional capacity. It is a mutual hobby. It makes perfect sense that we should do this together.

Yet somehow I feel I have crossed a line. Have I?

OP posts:

Hassled · 28/08/2014 22:38

Yup, you have. Because while you might not shag him, you'll think about it and more importantly he'll think about it and emotional affairs can do just as much damage as sexual affairs. There are other nice blokes out there - single ones.

Preciousbane · 28/08/2014 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaKoo · 28/08/2014 22:39

Yes I think so, if you weren't attracted to each other then perhaps not, but since you are then I think this would end in tears. How would his oh feel if he told her that he is attracted to a woman at work and that he is going to spend some social time with her?

mineofuselessinformation · 28/08/2014 22:39

It entirely depends on what both your intentions are. You may not know his for a while. If his are more than 'just friends', you may have to make a decision about pulling out of the activity.
BUT if you feel your intentions are different than above, think very carefully.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 28/08/2014 22:43

Agree with Hass. Really bad idea. You are storing up trouble. There are many who have posted on here who proclaimed they were not OW material and who did in fact become OW....'It just happened...'' and all that crap. Keep your r'ship professional.

Original poster

Summerbreezer · 28/08/2014 22:45

Thanks all, I think I will cancel. I think part of the issue (massively outing myself here) is that I have recently lost 8 stone in weight. I was completely closed off to all forms of men/flirting at my biggest.

Now I am enjoying my new size, but still can't believe that any man would really be attracted to me. They might say it, but they don't mean it. And if he does mean it, he probably says it to lots of girls. That kind of thinking. But I can see how it is dangerous in this situation.

OP posts:

Cantbelievethisishappening · 28/08/2014 22:48

Wow.... well done you on that weight loss. Fantastic.

AnyFucker · 28/08/2014 22:50

yes

glad you have come to your senses

there was a fair amount of "nothing will happen, but..." in your OP, the beginnings of some very dangerous rationalisations

go swank in your lovely new figure with some unattached men

lavenderhoney · 28/08/2014 22:51

If he has said he finds you attractive physically and you get on well, and now you are arranging to meet outside work, its a smokescreen for both of you to indulge your friendship at work into something else.

You know there is sexual chemistry there, you say so in your post. So its only a matter of time really, and loosening of morals before you dtd and end up in angst and being the ow. He clearly has a smooth line in chat to suggest a mutual hobby and a great deal of patience.

His gf wouldn't like your post too much, I'll wager. Unless the hobby is as a group and you ensure everyone knows he is not your dp.

Botanicbaby · 28/08/2014 23:20

*"I know he finds me physically attractive. (He has said so). I feel the same way. (I have not said so).

Despite that - there is nothing is said that I wouldn't want his girlfriend to hear."*

Despite that?! I'm pretty sure his g/f would have something to say about that remark he made to you. Yes, you most definitely have crossed a line by agreeing to meet him outside of a professional capacity.

Can't see the attraction in attached men who push their luck with single women myself. Congratulations on the amazing weight loss, be confident in yourself and please believe that people will find you attractive. You just need to attract the right ones! :)

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 28/08/2014 23:32

Yes, you have. Definitely cancel. It makes sense to do this hobby together, for sure, if you intention is to have an affair, otherwise is makes sense NOT to do anything together beyond what you have to do for work and even then keep it in the most public space you can.

You are in a vulnerable place, even though you feel strong. You have done incredibly well to lose 8 stone (how? by the way??) and you have a whole new body to enjoy and test out - of course you want to prove to yourself that men find you attractive, it's only natural - but you can do better than some married man! YOU deserve better than that, as well as his GF.

Meerka · 29/08/2014 08:26

Yes you have crossed a line, but it doesn't mean that you'll automatically end up having an affair.

But you'd have to be very sure of yourself keeping out of having an affair and, more difficult, you'd have to be very sure he didn't come onto you. If he did, it'd make it impossible.

It's very high risk territory.

kaykayblue · 29/08/2014 11:43

Yes you have crossed a line.

If there was no attraction there whatsoever then it wouldn't be a problem. If you were both single then it wouldn't be a problem.

But the above aren't true - you will now be seeing this person outside of the necessary work environment, and further developing your relationship. The fact that you don't plan on it going further doesn't really matter. It's a deliberate and conscious decision to spend more time together and get to know each other on a less formal basis.

And that's just too risky.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2014 13:57

Well done on your weight loss.
Massive achievement!

jackydanny · 29/08/2014 16:03

when he put his cards on the table (saying he finds you attractive) that was the time to exit.

you say there is nothing said that you wouldn't mind his partner hearing.
I would hate to hear my partner telling another (single) woman he finds them attractive.

run away!

Theoldhag · 29/08/2014 18:41

Well done op on your weightloss, also well done on taking a step back. I hope that some lovely available man finds you soon, you deserve love and affection from someone that you don't have to worry about such questions as your thread title asks.

Quitelikely · 29/08/2014 18:54

I know you say that you're not ow material and aren't going to be anyone's second choice but don't you think that's what most women say to themselves before they embark upon an affair.

You're going into dangerous territory here, and I think you know it. If you act on your attraction it will probably be you who gets hurt........be careful

airedailleurs · 29/08/2014 20:15

just out of interest, what about the possibility of this man leaving his existing girlfriend for the OP?

alphabook · 29/08/2014 20:25

If my DH said "I'm going to spend one-on-one time with a woman from work who I am physically attracted to" I know how I would feel about it. Your behaviour may be perfectly appropriate so far but if you have more than friendly feelings for each other then it's just asking for trouble.

Ragwort · 29/08/2014 20:36

Yes, you have crossed the line.

Out of interest (and very well done on losing the weight) - did he know you before you lost weight? Did he tell you he found you physically attractive before?

I would be very wary of someone who only seemed interested in me after I had lost weight (and yes, my weight does fluctuate considerably).

Original poster

Summerbreezer · 29/08/2014 20:50

Thank you everyone for your responses. I saw him today and deliberately initiated a conversation about his girlfriend, what they did together for fun etc. I kept it positive and upbeat in a kind of "I hope you treat her well" way. I also intimated that I had been seeing someone, which is untrue, but never mind.

He was very happy to talk about his girlfriend to me and it did feel a bit like the balloon of sexual tension had been burst a bit. We have never discussed partners before.

He didn't know me before I was in the final stages of weight loss - by which point my confidence had highly and I was much more vivacious ifswim.

As for whether he would leave his GF for me - I don't know. I would assume not. To be honest I would be a bit uncomfortable if a man did that - I like people who end a relationship and have a period of singleness.

But I am still uncomfortable about it all. The fact is, we have to work one on one together a couple of times a week. We have to spend a couple of hours alone together - it is almost impossible not to talk socially in that time. And as I said, there is undeniable chemistry. How do I kill the chemistry?

OP posts:

Original poster

Summerbreezer · 29/08/2014 20:52

Also - re the physical attraction thing. He didn't exactly say "I am attracted to you" - more things like, "you look amazing in your FB profile photo" (God this sounds childish) and things like that. In my mind, there was a difference between that and "I fancy you". But in reality, there probably isn't.

OP posts:

airedailleurs · 29/08/2014 21:34

OP what if this man is not happy in his existing relationship and would prefer to be with you?

If people never split up we would all still be with our first b/gf, which is actually rather rare...

CromerSutra · 29/08/2014 21:40

I think you make every effort to talk about things that are safe and ask plenty about his gf. I've been in the same situation as you and I just made a very firm decision that it was a no go and stuck to it. I already have an amazing partner that I am mad about but very occasionally this does happen in life doesn't it ? You did the right thing in actively avoiding the outing and I think you will just have to be very firm with yourself.

CromerSutra · 29/08/2014 21:41

Well I think in that case you would hope he would leave his current partner before starting something new aired.

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