I feel quite ridiculous. And I have name changed (I hope! my computer is being v weird).
I am on a committee and I am powerfully physically/mentally/emotionally attracted to a man on the committee. I was immediately drawn to him the instant we met. It was a perfectly ordinary moment and I remember it clearly.
He's not particularly my "type", he is quite a bit older than me, he is happily married (and to be clear I am not interested in any kind of relationship with anyone in a relationship with someone else). So on paper, he a nice normal chap, with whom I have fairly banal conversation with every 4-6 weeks.
It is such a physical sensation though and it started pretty much immediately on meeting him, before I got to know him as a person. Tonight as soon as I saw him I felt electrified. I felt sure everyone could see what was going on with me. I don't think they could but I felt like I was shooting sparks everywhere. I put all my energy into simply listening to the meeting and contributing but it was a massive effort.
I feel completely horny - not for sex, but for him. If he was a single person I would like nothing more than to spend time alone with him, hold his hand, touch his face. The physicality of these feelings are becoming quite overwhelming for me.
It's not like I spend lots of time thinking about him - before we met tonight it was about 6 weeks since I last saw him - I have thought about him a little bit but very fleetingly - I'm certainly not obsessed with him. But I did start to feel excited at the prospect of seeing him this afternoon and when I did seem him it was like BOOM, in my face, overwhelming physical sensation in every cell of my body.
Just to be clear I don't want to feel this way and I would never act on any of this with someone in a relationship. I can't imagine he would ever act inappropriately either.
But where does this come from? What can I do about it? Why does it feel so intense? Of course I have been attracted to men before but never felt like this - well perhaps not since I was a teenager and perhaps not even then (I am now mid 40's & mother of 2). It's such a physical thing - I feel it throughout my body, my sense of smell is enhanced, I see light differently and now 3 hours after our meeting I'm left with an achey echo.
It did strike me that perhaps I feel this way as he is simply a lovely man who is nice to me after 7 years with an EA XP and 2 years single since. And that thought made me cry - actually sob with dread that this could be true and I was that sad an individual. But I know lots of other lovely straight men who treat me with care and respect and I don't feel like this about them.
I don't know that I've ever felt this way about anyone.
As I said, it was an instant physical sensation (for me) when we met, and as we have slowly got to know each other it just gets stronger and stronger.
I also think in some way there is a mutual connection - not that he feels the same way about me, but it is fairly clear we have some kind of connection or spark between us. Ideally he would make a lovely wise kind friend, but while I am having such powerful feelings zooming around it is impossible.
In a small way I enjoy these feelings. It's a reawakening. I enjoy it because it gives me hope that after my dreadful time with XP, I could possibly have a lovely relationship with someone and feel amazing things about someone (not this man but someone else) at some point in the future. But why am I feeling like this about this man? This totally unsuitable, unavailable man who really I don't know very well?
I absolutely don't want to leave the committee - it is an important part of the rebuilding my life after ending a disasterous relationship. I enjoy it, and it makes me feel really good and positive about my new life and I am making a valuable contribution to what we are doing as a group.
any advice dear vipers? Can I stop this madness without cutting all contact?