Please help me understand what is going on and how I can get it to stop ....

[PartTimeModel]

I feel quite ridiculous. And I have name changed (I hope! my computer is being v weird).

I am on a committee and I am powerfully physically/mentally/emotionally attracted to a man on the committee. I was immediately drawn to him the instant we met. It was a perfectly ordinary moment and I remember it clearly.

He's not particularly my "type", he is quite a bit older than me, he is happily married (and to be clear I am not interested in any kind of relationship with anyone in a relationship with someone else). So on paper, he a nice normal chap, with whom I have fairly banal conversation with every 4-6 weeks.

It is such a physical sensation though and it started pretty much immediately on meeting him, before I got to know him as a person. Tonight as soon as I saw him I felt electrified. I felt sure everyone could see what was going on with me. I don't think they could but I felt like I was shooting sparks everywhere. I put all my energy into simply listening to the meeting and contributing but it was a massive effort.

I feel completely horny - not for sex, but for him. If he was a single person I would like nothing more than to spend time alone with him, hold his hand, touch his face. The physicality of these feelings are becoming quite overwhelming for me.

It's not like I spend lots of time thinking about him - before we met tonight it was about 6 weeks since I last saw him - I have thought about him a little bit but very fleetingly - I'm certainly not obsessed with him. But I did start to feel excited at the prospect of seeing him this afternoon and when I did seem him it was like BOOM, in my face, overwhelming physical sensation in every cell of my body.

Just to be clear I don't want to feel this way and I would never act on any of this with someone in a relationship. I can't imagine he would ever act inappropriately either.

But where does this come from? What can I do about it? Why does it feel so intense? Of course I have been attracted to men before but never felt like this - well perhaps not since I was a teenager and perhaps not even then (I am now mid 40's & mother of 2). It's such a physical thing - I feel it throughout my body, my sense of smell is enhanced, I see light differently and now 3 hours after our meeting I'm left with an achey echo.

It did strike me that perhaps I feel this way as he is simply a lovely man who is nice to me after 7 years with an EA XP and 2 years single since. And that thought made me cry - actually sob with dread that this could be true and I was that sad an individual. But I know lots of other lovely straight men who treat me with care and respect and I don't feel like this about them.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way about anyone.

As I said, it was an instant physical sensation (for me) when we met, and as we have slowly got to know each other it just gets stronger and stronger.

I also think in some way there is a mutual connection - not that he feels the same way about me, but it is fairly clear we have some kind of connection or spark between us. Ideally he would make a lovely wise kind friend, but while I am having such powerful feelings zooming around it is impossible.

In a small way I enjoy these feelings. It's a reawakening. I enjoy it because it gives me hope that after my dreadful time with XP, I could possibly have a lovely relationship with someone and feel amazing things about someone (not this man but someone else) at some point in the future. But why am I feeling like this about this man? This totally unsuitable, unavailable man who really I don't know very well?

I absolutely don't want to leave the committee - it is an important part of the rebuilding my life after ending a disasterous relationship. I enjoy it, and it makes me feel really good and positive about my new life and I am making a valuable contribution to what we are doing as a group.

any advice dear vipers? Can I stop this madness without cutting all contact?

Thank you Latte - slowly it feels like it too :)

I don't give the Mirena coil any credit for this bumdiedum - if it's still there? Probably long lost .......... certainly it's not much 'used'.

perhaps it fell out and I'm having withdrawals?

Funny enough XP did meet this man once at a social family event and he zoomed straight into him and did his "be my best friend I'm a really great guy" number on him.

Perhaps this man is Rasputin reincarnated, as a short nice bald person?

but what is the reaction based on Twinklestein?

No idea. I think some people have the potential for strong reactions, you probably always had it.

I know from experience it can be really confusing, because you think it has to mean something - but - I learnt from hard experience - it doesn't necessarily.

I meant superhot to me.

It's confusing because it's so strong. Earlier today I felt like I was tied up in a plastic bag with these feelings.

Yes I admit he is hot to me too.

Oh bless you OP.
I was lucky I guess as I didn't see this bloke again, it was just fleeting, but very scary.
It made me question my relationship with dh, because I wondered how it could happen if I was happy with dh.
I saw it as a type of test in that, Ok you think you're so perfectly in love, so what about this?
I never saw him again and its never happened since.
I do know I wouldn't have acted on it though, as it was what I already had iyswim.
Maybe cold showers OP, if he is married.

Exactly - it's so strong you feel it must mean something.

But I think it's just a reflection of who you are and how strongly you could feel rather than it being necessarily about this particular guy. Of course it feels like it's specific to him, but ime it's not.

It only means something when the other person feels it too and a relationship is workable.

I do feel better having talked about it here tonight. thank you all.
I feel like it is something I can manage or at least engage with.

A big plus is I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE!!! I might one day love someone again - and that is a lovely thing to feel and know.

YY Twinkle that is what I'm telling myself. over and over and over ....

I've felt this a few times and have only ever acted on it once (the other times either me or the man in question was married).

However, the one time I took it further, I married him. He is now an ex. The most electric feelings in that particular case didn't translate to the best relationship (although it did produce three amazing children :)).

I had to let the others go. There is one person at the moment that does this to me. Particularly embarrassing as I have to give presentations in front of a committee at work, and whenever he's on the committee I completely stumble over my words and act like a complete idiot.:) He's married, so I just try my best to ignore it and keep my head down.

But, OP, you are right, even when falling for someone completely unsuitable like this, it does give you the most amazing 'ALIVE' feelings - quite amazing.

I feel so much better this morning, even though I had a restless nights sleep. The intensity of yesterday has passed.

I think it might be time to start to think more seriously about dipping my toes in the online dating pond again. I did put half a profile up 2 weeks ago, but haven't taken it any further yet.

I have had this. It was the most extraordinary feeling ever, and totally all encompassing.

My husband at that time seemed to recognise it too, and suggested we would make a great team professionally.

I ended up married to him, and I still feel the same.

Unfortunately we are now separated, as it turned out to be one of those fronts for an abuser that we read about so often on these boards.

queen I'm sorry to hear that - but thanks for sharing as it is useful for me to hear about these more negative experiences. If everyone was posting here "I had that feeling, acted on it and he became the best husband ever" it would be hard to hear/bear.

Chemistry is powerful - but perhaps the rules of "physics" means the chemistry doesn't give a completely unsuitable person a meaningful place in my life. It just doesn't.

I read a story once about a Hollywood feminist who was due to be at a dinner with Jack Nicholson. She was raging and wanted to rip into him about his views on women and how he treated his ex. On the day she ended up beside him, looked into his eyes and ended up all goo-goo eyed and hanging on his every word. Chemistry is a funny thing!

In all honesty, the only thing you can do is avoid him as much as possible.

I think the only thing you can do is to cut contact as much as possible. Don't meet him for any reason other than work, and don't try and persuade yourself that a coffee mid day or a drink after work is "work" related. Don't meet him alone. That sort of thing.

At the end of the day, you have an attraction to this man, but you have the morals to know that it can't go anywhere.

It's probably a hormonal thing to be honest - the attraction might be partly down to the fact that subconsciously you recognise that he is a good, kind person who is happily married and presumably treats his wife very well. They are all things that you are probably desiring, which is why the attraction is growing.

But really you need to nip this in the bud now. Otherwise it's just going to get more painful for you.

You could try imagining that he has some hideous personality trait - like he is a massive racist, or a nazi sympathiser or something. I'm sure it isn't true, but if you can imagine it well enough it might take the shine off of him.

Even though it ended the way it did, I am glad that I got to experience something so powerful, and I would, like you, love to understand what it actually was.

It really was the most extraordinary thing. In a way I feel blessed to have had that bit of the experience, even if the rest was so wrong. And it made me face up to things in MYSELF that I wouldn't have done otherwise.

There are more things in heaven and earth and all that....

Thankfully I don't work with him & won't see him again for 4 weeks or so. And there are always other people around - not that I would ever act anyway.

He is virtually a saint! But I am focusing on his extremely small feet. I couldn't possibly fancy a man who's feet are two sizes smaller than mine.

I will focus on developing some more hideous traits for him. Poor choice in shoes for a start. What a bastard!

Hi parttimemodel....I don't often post but had to as your post resonated with me so much. About eight years ago (I was married) I went to a nearby pub fairly regularly and a friend of a friend casually introduced me to a man who she had known for 20 years. He travelled alot and although frequented my town quite regularly, he also spent alot of time in another part of the country where also had a house. He was 17 years older than me, was married (his wife lived away), never had had children and his work allowed him to travel alot. My life at the time involved studying hard, bringing up my young son and I was married.

This man was to me good looking though not conventionally so but after the second meeting I remember waking up the next morning and he was on my mind. I didnt understand why at the time. I think it helped that he went away alot so there were periods over the years that I didn't often see him. But when I did see him, I wanted secretly to touch him, be with him, talk to him etc though I didn't know him that well. It was awful. We got on like a house on fire in terms of interests, discussions, etc but I couldn't understand why it was HIM. I have worked in male dominated industries, I have good male friends, I studied and have travelled a bit, the point being that there were plenty of other men I've met and 'turned down' ifyswim. Yet here was this man who was married and older, blah blah blahn and didn't even LIVE here who I had this reaction to.

Okay, fast forward 8 years. What's the ending??? I left my marriage 5 years ago (the man wasn't the reason, as the marriage was over in my eyes for various reasons although I do vividly remember thinking that my feelings for this other man were telling me something). The man's marriage ended, again, several years ago. He then ended up spending more time in my town due to work reasons and nearly three years ago we got together. I had actually been seeing someone else at the time though casually but then he came back and that was that. We now live together and click on so many levels. I think to many though, the 'attraction' is still inexplicable except to my very good friends and family who know us both well and always say how well we get on. I'm not sure of how useful this post will be, and its a bit long winded, but yes, I have had this reaction.....my advice is though, when you don't see the person it REALLY helps. Good luck xx

thanks for sharing that amazing story andwhatnow! Life can be very wonderful and mysterious.

I have no aspirations for any such happy ending with this person. Even if we were both single our lives are just at such different point and places we are incompatible. I'm under no illusions about that. i.e. My DC come first with me - his youngest child is more than 20 years older than my oldest child & he is done with raising children.

yes I completely understand what you are saying. I have to say that I never considered anything like a proper relationship for a long time even when my ex and I had split. In fact, I remember rationalising that things happen for a reason, this was just part of life's rich tapestry and who knows?? If he had disappeared abroad or stayed married I could have met someone else with the same reaction and lived happily ever after. But, I DO know how you feel and it is the most bizarre thing. I had never had it before with anyone and even though it was exhilarating I almost hated feeling out of control, like a silly school girl! However, what I do know is that the attraction was his mind. He is funny, clever, quick witted etc with a wry look on life and that to me made him so attractive when we first met.

I DO know how you feel and it is the most bizarre thing. I had never had it before with anyone and even though it was exhilarating I almost hated feeling out of control, like a silly school girl!
^ Oh yes!

ok, well good luck!! (you can always envisage him sitting on the loo or something else vile to put you off!!)