Have you ever told someone to LTB in real life....? Did they?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just remembered an incident many years ago when a girl I worked with was telling me about her 'lovely' new boyfriend and how caring & attentive he was. After just three dates he was already choosing her outfits, telling her how to have her hair cut and trying to veto her going out with friends for the evening. Not long out of an EA relationship myself at that stage I grabbed the poor girl like a Shakespearean soothsayer and predicted doom and disaster if she didn't LTB. Bless her, she dumped him.

Anyone else?

Not quite, but I did hint that I thought his behaviour towards her was abusive and controlling and I was appalled by it. She told him she'd had enough and he backed down and was on best behaviour for a while. I don't know how things are now other than they're thinking of buying a place together, but the whole situation is fucked up and we have grown apart.

I wish wish wish someone had said to me "if you want to leave him, I will help you" when I was with my abusive ex. Just having someone to say that it was OK to move out and leave him, that they could put me up if needed. Friends said afterwards that they wanted to say something but didn't dare, but how I wish(ed) they had. It would have been the confirmation I needed that his behaviour wasn't OK, as I was so hopelessly naive.

So, for anyone wondering about saying something, please do, in non-ultimatum-type-words.

Yes and she didn't listen, thankfully he got sent to prison for something completely unrelated to her and she got bored waiting for him to get out and moved on.

I have had someone tell me to LTB.

I didn't, thought I could change him, because I'm clearly a fucking idiot. He left, having stolen a vast sum of money from a dying family member and some jewelry from my DGM and broken some more of my bones. Then he came back and I had to take the children and run away to a refuge because he pulled a gun on me. Again.

He was eventually arrested along with 2 frightened girls he was 'running', served time, died. I think I've finished paying off the debts he ran up fraudulently now, there's always a new surprise though.

The dear friend who told me to LTB hardly speaks to me now. She won't talk about what happened and I really want to apologise to her for letting her down.

Fucking hell capt :(

I'm sure your friend doesn't need an apology, I'm glad you're free now.

Yes, I've said it to a couple of people, they didn't listen, one is split up from the utter cunt bloke anyway, he left. The other had just had her first baby with the hopeless fucking loser her partner.

Yes, so many times.

She stayed for another 7 years and was broken when she eventually left.

I don't actually say ltb but I'm more or less the same in RL as I am on here - I don't hold back with The Facts if it's an abusive relationships eg if someone is offloading and looking to me for support. I have supported victims of dv for years, been one myself, so it isn't theory.

I have to say though that I have extremely short patience when someone refuses to leave an abusive relationship - I don't usually hang around listening to the yawnsome denial and complete rubbish . It depends, of course: if someone is in a bad way and very fragile I will be very gentle with acres of patience.

There have been a few 'fails': one was a high-flying friend who got together with a seriously alarming guy (who insisted this previously well-dressed friend dress like a tart in her daily life ffs; amongst other things). We were all worried about her. I kept quiet for a while because I was worried that if she cut me off her kids would be isolated - but, after reassurance from the group that others would stay closely involved and were prepared to stick around, regardless (hence plenty of people to keep an eye out for the kids), i didnt hold back when she said 'isn't he wonderful ?' for the millionth time. Predictably, I was cut off with immediate effect (though I did say I would support her if she left him: I never heard from her again). That was back in the day: these days I wouldn't hesitate to inform relevant authorities if kids are involved.

That's dv/a which is probably different - but I find i have no patience with friends' crap relationships, sadly. If he's a turd, or being a turd, I say so. I rarely say ltb though - that's their decision.

Once in my twenties. To a male friend who had an emotionally abusive girlfriend, constantly telling him he was good for nothing and wouldn't be anywhere in life without her. She tried to manipulate every situation so it would benefit her and would cry to her friends about how 'evil' he was if he wouldn't agree to doing something for her. It got to a point where he was self-harming so I felt like I had to say something. Took a few months but in the end he did leave her and is now settled down with a lovely lady and has a baby son. He tells people I saved his life and it makes me cry every time!

A friend told me to, about 20 years ago. I didn't, still haven't, am unlikely to and don't have any contact with her any more as I resented her interference. (No DV involved)

Yes. My closest friend. An incredible man, ground down by his emotionally abusive, manipulative girlfriend.

It took years and all I ever said was that I didn't think it was the healthiest relationship and that I could see that he was hurting and sad but I assured him that no matter what decisions he made, I would always stand by him and support him (and I still would).

He has just left and he can already see that it wasn't normal or healthy and that being scared to see friends/family and constantly walking on eggshells isn't normal. Neither is staying because she tells you she'll commit suicide if you leave.

He feels a huge amount of guilt and fear and is understandably sad but I can see that he is relieved and that he will be happy again.

I am so happy and am doing everything in my power to support him through this extremely stressful break-up.

I told my mother to leave my father exactly one year ago. She still hasn't and she should have done so years ago.

We no longer speak. He controls her in every way. He is emotionally abusive to her. Complete narcissist and yes he was unfaithful too.

Yes, and recently. We went away this summer with my Dh's oldest and 'best' friend, his wife and 3 children. We were under the impression that the wife was the driving force in the relationship and that Dh's friend (let's refer to him as B) was a changed man since meeting her and having a family. (in a good way as he had always been a selfish arse prior to marrying her)
HOW WRONG WE WERE.
We ended up leaving early as my Dh and B nearly had a fistfight over how B had treated his wife during the holiday. It was constant and insidious EA and more chillingly he could not and would not accept he had done anything wrong.
I know she won't leave him anytime soon but she knows that I will be there for her when she does

I actually told a friend of mine to leave his wife, because he neither appreciated her nor realised he was in love with her.

He felt that he had been blackmailed into marriage and he was only there to please her, but I didn't think that was really the reason he was with her.

I felt that it would be healthier if he left her, realised that he was in love with her and went back with a better attitude.

He obviously never followed my advice but they are still together.

Yes of course - how is it even possible to exist on the planet for over 30 years and never have advised someone to break up??

Maybe this isn't a true "LTB" situation, but once was a friend who was in a relationship with a perfectly nice guy, but they were a TERRIBLE couple. Arguing constantly, she was upset/angry/crying about something almost every time I saw her, they were both super competitive...In the end I sat her down and asked her what percentage of the time was she happy in the relationship? Because if it's only 40% of less, or hell even 50% or less, that's a bad relationship. It doesn't matter if that 40-50% is absolutely mindblowingly ecstatic happiness - it's still only half or less than half the time. I told her that they were both good people, but they seemed to bring out the worst in each other. She broke up with him shortly afterwards and they are still friends. They are both with other long term partners now and seem much happier!!

The worst relationship I have known someone to be in, I only heard about after she broke up with him. We didn't live anywhere near each other, so I never saw them together, or what a massive shitfuck he was. He was violent once (throwing something across the room) and she shut that down immediately. It was all the emotional stuff that she didn't see until afterwards. Constant criticisms about her weight (and she's never even been overweight!), starting arguments whenever something good happened to her, never saying thankyou for any of the amazing presents or trips she organised for them, even though she didn't have much money, being possessive and generally a massive turd. I wish someone had told her to ltb. I was horrified when she was telling me about it. Out of all my friends she is literally the last person I could imagine being in a relationship like that.

Yes, she hasn't, yet (hopefully).

Occasionally I remind her that she can leave.
She knows she should but she's scared of the consequences.

I helped a friend leave her violent partner some years ago. He was regularly hitting her and leaving bruises all over her body. I noticed early on and became the only person who knew and that she talked honestly about the abuse with. I told her many times that she needed to leave, that I would help her, gave her women's aid details, tried to get her to make an exit plan. But for a long time she didn't have the strength. He was a classic manipulative, abusive bastard, making her feel the violence was her fault.

One night we had arranged to meet for a drink and when she arrived at the pub, she had two black eyes. I burst into tears and begged her to come with me to the police station to report him, and to leave. I actually said the words 'Please...leave this bastard!'. She did it. She was amazingly strong in reporting to the police and going ahead with getting him done for battery. I am so proud of her. She is now happily married to a lovely bloke and with three kids. Amazing woman.

Sometimes LTB is the best advice.

Told people many times...and no...they never listen. People need to come to things in their own time?

No but I did tell a friend I would cover for her if she wanted to meet up with her ex as she is married to a twat and I wish she could see she is better off without him.

CaptChaos - why not send your friend a card? I am sorry you went through such an horrific time .

Yes!

For the past 10 years I've been saying it.

2 kids later and its worse.

She knows she won't stay forever but won't make the leap.

I love her dearly, I wish she would make a better life for herself and her kids.

He's EA and manipulative, he's also almost certainly having an emotional affair, if not physical whilst she recovers from major surgery. He denies it though. Obvs!

One day she will see sense.

I'll always be here for her no matter how long it takes.