It's like mental torture, he's driving me insane

[Panscrubby]

At the beginning of our relationship I was insecure and used to question whether he loved me or not. He once said to me "if ever I stopped loving you, you'd know. It would be obvious."

Well yes, I'm starting to see that.

4 weeks ago we went on holiday, just the two of us. It was a beautiful place full of beautiful people and scenery and we were having the most amazing time. We argued twice. First time because I was upset at the state of one of our hotels. It was a complete shit hole and I'm no diva. It was a concrete shanty shack with no working shower, no toilet, a padlock on a rotten wooden door for security and an old shitty mattress thrown on a concrete slab as a bed. Of course I was upset. But he went mental and said I was out of order for not being positive and he refused to talk to me for the rest of the day until I apologised (which I did, not sure why!) and begged for him to just drop it so we could get on with our holiday. This was the first time I looked at him and really thought "what a nasty piece of work you can be".

Second time we argued because he got drunk and decided to turn on me for something we'd both been laughing about 5 minutes previous.

So we got back from this holiday two weeks ago and he's been absolutely awful to me ever since. Keeps picking arguments with me, snapping at me, twisting everything I say into an argument - it's just driving me mad. I've done nothing to deserve all this, he just seems to have turned on me for no reason in the past month or so.

This past week has been torturous - so much so that I found myself opening a "post relationship savings account". I don't want us to break up but I can't understand why he's being so horrible to me.

On Tuesday we were on our way to shop and he said something about wanting to go on holiday to Canada. Normally he won't discuss future holidays until we've done our next planned one so, as we have Italy planned I became worried that he didn't want to go to Italy anymore (as he never shows any enthusiasm for it when I mention it yet all of a sudden was raving on about Canada) so I simply said "you do want to go to Italy still don't you?" This was said lightly, totally non-confrontational. He went mental and started really shouting at me, swearing, telling me to chill the fuck out and be fucking flexible and stop being so fucking self centered. Even if he was pissed off at me for saying the wrong thing (????) there was no need to shout and ball at me like this surely. I was upset but tried not to show it too much as that same day we had a 3 hour drive to a campsite for us and the kids and I didn't want the kids feeling an atmosphere.

When we got to the campsite all was going well - then he'd had a few drinks and started getting really arsey. His eldest son and I were laughing about the shape of a burger and we went mad at me, shouted me down in front of his kids, told me I was supposed to be sorting out the music (I had) and then made yawning gestures at his kids about me. His youngest scarpered and went to bed and his eldest just sat looking really uncomfortable (I was thankful they didn't join in actually! very mature of them I thought.)

After that he carried on making comments about me, ignoring me when I spoke, shaking his head at me, snapping at his eldest DS (who said to me "it's best not to react, it's safer" and then buggered off to bed!!!!!!) It was awful.

Next day, he was off with me all day until I made an effort to make the peace (just cos his kids are here all week and I feel awkward). Today he's just kicked off again. I realised we had saturday night to ourselves as my kids are at their dads and his kids will be going home, it's VERY rare that we have a saturday night to ourselves as his kids come EVERY weekend so I suggested we do something nice. Well he kicked off, said I'm trying to start an argument, said he'd rather I go to work and earn some money and basically said no and that I was ridiculous for even suggesting it. So here we are, not talking AGAIN because I dared to suggest we take the opportunity to do something nice Saturday night.

What the fuck is going on? it feels like mental torture. I feel like the kid that doesn't want to go to school because nobody likes her and she gets bullied for saying the wrong thing. All this started a month ago. I just don't understand it.

The "old him" is not the real him, is it? It's the him you get to see at the start of the relationship when he's not yet let down his guard. That him is not coming back.

The poor kids are clearly all too familiar with this. They didn't side with him as they have got all too "mature" from having to put up with it with their mum.

At least you know that it is not just about you. It's how he treats all his partners. The faster you can escape , the sooner the mental torture will end.

AlfAlf......what makes you think I haven't?

People do and can change overnight when they stop loving someone!

Why are you caring about Italy and Canada when you are expecting the relationship to end?

Get out or get abused. Your choice.

Please buy and read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - everything about your partner will be explained and Lundy gives lots of reasons why you can't have a relationship with such men.
The son's reaction is hte clincher - he knows his dad is basically horrid with a veneer or niceness.
Niceness wears thinner over time - you won't ever get the "old" man back because he didn't exist.

"She divorced him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour - verbal, financial and emotional abuse. He told me she'd made it up to get an easy divorce and he'd agreed because he just wanted out of the marriage. (I know, I know)".

And now he is doing the self same to you and lied to your face to get you on side. These men as I state can be very plausible and are often charm personified.

I see you've been together three years; he likely ramped up the abuse prior to that time as well. This is usually when they show their true colours; when you're well and truly invested emotionally in the relationship.

"Jesus Cogito there are many, many things I do not say in fear of a backlash of abuse. "

I'm so sorry. There's that word 'fear' that really shouldn't be there. In a normal, healthy relationship there is no fear, no abuse, no walking on eggshells. It's significant that you said you were insecure in the early days. That's rather meat and drink to a bully.... they see 'insecure' and they think 'easily controlled'. Any love they have for you is conditional. Show a little spirit or question their judgement and you have to be put back in your box. On your holiday, by (rightly) complaining about the room, your strength showed up his inadequacy. That could explain the punishment.

The damage to your self-esteem can be quite insidious. Don't tolerate it

UNI! That'll be what has triggered this!

he doesn't want you bettering yourself/meeting other people.

Remember that abusers (and this IS what he really IS) abuse out of INSECURITY AND INFERIORITY not power and strength.

Olddear we've had a spate of idiots abuse apologists running riot this past week, so I dare say that AlfAlf may be a bit sensitive to that as it could be interpreted as a 'Why do you STAY with him then' comment.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

You need to leave him and get as much support as you can to do so, there is really no other option for you here going forward.

I would also suggest you read Dr Joe Carver's The Loser. BTW did this man give undying declarations of love towards you very early and move things very quickly along?.

"I'm going back to university next month, maybe that's why he's turned."

I think it'll be a big part of it. You're not falling in with his wishes, you're bettering yourself and you're going to be more independent, more sociable and have more income. All massive threats to an inadequate man.

Get a bag of your things to a friend or parents house.

Then arrange to have a drink with him somewhere public. Get a table to the side of somewhere so people can't hear what you are saying, but you are in plain view of others.

Ask him, bluntly, what the fuck is going on with him. For the love of god don't mention what his son said - that will get him in a lot of trouble.

Tell him he is being an obnoxious, volatile, angry twat, and you want to know why.

He will either go on a charm offensive to try and get you back on side, or will start swearing at you.

Whatever his reaction, tell him you refuse to be treated like this, and you can now understand that his ex wife was right all along.

Tell him to have a good time in Canada, and then go to the bar. Stay at the bar until he leaves and goes home. Then take a cab to wherever you are staying.

If you can, get a brother or a few friends to go over and get your remaining things when he won't be there, but don't go back alone.

I would also agree that your going to University has been his hair trigger to react so. All his actions anyway are those of an abuser.

Re this comment:-

"He's let it slip a few times that he doesn't want me to qualify and it would be easier for me to stay doing what I'm doing (long hours, minimum wage)".

Well there you go. He has a vested interest in keeping you in the cage he has built for you because its more power and control for him. He will not likely let go of you at all easily; he will turn on the tears and promise you that he will change.

It will take some considerable time for you to recover from this man, it is only perhaps when you are fully away from him will you actually realise the full extent of the damage he has done against your self worth and self esteem. I would recommend you do Womens Aid Freedom Programme for yourself going forward.

You are seeing the real him: the version that his children and ex wife saw, and the one which he has managed to veneer over for a few years. Now the mask is slipping. His behaviour is utterly contemptible. You should not have to live life on eggshells, trying not to upset him. It is not at all right that you should be in a situation where you are left worried about provoking his anger, or are confused about what exactly you have supposedly done to make him so angry. The saddest thing was his child's comment that it is 'safer' to avoid conflict. His choice of word is telling.

When you go to university, can you support yourself? You mentioned children- do you have any together?

Incidentally, I'm heartened by the impression that you don't yet sound ground down by this behaviour. You're puzzled, annoyed and I think you're starting to comprehend that there is a fairly nasty pattern emerging but you're not here asking 'how can I make him happy?' and that's encouraging. I'm really not a big one for recommending 'LTB' but I would seriously urge you to consider your options here, not least for the sake of your children. This is the real him.

You do know his excuse for the divorce reasons are absolute horseshit, don't you, OP? No decent bloke would admit to being an abusive on multiple levels just to give their Ex a quick divorce. The ways in which his DC react to him prove that this is nothing new to them, and that the reasons for the divorce are true.

You say you want the old him. Well, you have - the old him, the real him, is an abuser. What you got was a façade to snare you in. He's snared you now, so he has no need to pretend to give a shit about you, or about pretending to be nice. And no abuser is horrible 24-7. If they weren't nice sometimes, most of them would get dumped sharpish within a few weeks or months. If things are going their way, or it suits then, or they realise they have to reel you back in, they'll be nice. For a bit.

You know yourself that being scared to say things is abnormal and unacceptable. Not only is this damaging you, but watching this happen to their mother,and being around such a bastard is really going to mess up your DC. Time to cut this loser loose.

Come on, this isn't difficult. He is an intimidating arsehole who could pick a fight with his own shadow. Get rid and preserve the dignity you have left.

You are working so that's a positive. Can you afford to leave?

He's feeling miserable and is taking his rage out on you. He's one of those can say anything for fear of causing a row. It probably won't get any better. I agree that you should start making plans to end the relationship.

Is he older than you? As you mention university I wonder if he might have chosen someone younger as he thinks they will be more impressionable?

Apologies, Olddear, I don't obviously so sorry if you have. Everyone says "I'd be out of there like a shot" etc, but unfortunately often when you're in a situation like OP's you can't see the wood for the trees when the person you're madly in love with becomes abusive.

I too think she should get out now so I think we're on the same page.

Sorry for the sidetrack, OP.
Don't let him sabotage your education.

What a horrible man whose own kids even know when they need to walk on egg shells around him. I wonder if he has ever hit them or his ex? Bet he has. Leave this bullying twat asap.

He's 9 years older than me and is in an authoritative position at work (he has 17/18 year old apprentices to "look after" which he loves doing. There are so many oddities surrounding him and these younger lads at work that if I were to go into it I'd appear as a drip-feeder/troll but let's just say I'm often left inwardly bemused as to how his relationships at work unfold.

Back on subject - he earns a lot more than me. I currently earn £14k and he earns £33k. As I mentioned my income will climb up to £22k this time next year as long as I qualify.

His ex wife was a couple of years older than him and never worked. One thing cited in the divorce was that he held total power over the finances and she had to ask him for money for herself or the kids - whether she got it or not depended on his mood. He can't do this with me as I have my own account and my own income but he outright refuses to discuss money with me and if I bring it up, he blows up an argument so I've learnt to avoid the subject.

I'm currently sitting upstairs on my laptop (which he almost wrecked leaving out in frosty, wet air) and have just been down to make a cuppa. I offered him one. He snapped "yep" (he wanted one). This is him letting me know I'm still in the dog house and he'll be thinking I'm wanting to make peace with him. I think this is the first time in our entire relationship where he's been "stone walling me" and I've found it difficult to give a shit.

The more background you fill in, the more 'classic abusive bully' picture emerges. Financially controlling, argumentative, a DS who talks about safety, 'oddities' at work (And you can't leave that statement about his apprentices hanging and not spill the beans... :) ) Good move having your own finances. Tell me, do your DCs like this guy? Your family?

I think you're on the verge of ending it. Good luck

This whole thing is absolutely chilling. You are at the early stages of an abusive relationship, this is going to spiral downwards until he has you completely under his control. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Thankfully you do seem to able to see what is going on, I hope so anyway.

I'm glad you don't give a shit.
His children's reactions, his divorce and his behaviour to you not just this week but previously all indicate that he is a nasty, abusive man. You need to get rid.

Financial abusive behaviour from him as well. The only reason he cannot be financially abusive to you is because you have sole control of your own money.

Time to be rid of this man, he is only dragging you down with him into his pit now.

Offer him a cup of tea?

Let him make his own fucking tea!

Sorry OP, I may have missed it, but are you married to him, or just living together?