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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an Emotional Affair?

28 replies

firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 17:08

I've name changed for this because I'm gutted to think that this is what I might be doing.

I have been having a hard year with my husband. Without going into details my husband's actions and words have devastated me. I decided to give the marriage a chance and move forward with him.

I have a very close male colleague. I have never had romantic feelings for him however I would be lying if I didn't admit that I know he is attracted to me.

I now realise that I have been seeking emotional support from this man. We have spoken about my feelings and the state of my marriage. He knows about my counselling and what I'm working through...I haven't discussed this with my husband (and he seems totally disinterested).

It occurred to me today though that I may have unwittingly embarked on an emotional affair. We do text alot. and IM and I would be devastated if my husband knew what I had told this other man. If the shoe was on the other foot I would hate for my husband to have such a close female friendship. I am almost embarrassed to admit here that this has been going on.

Please say that this is just a friendship and not some kind of affair.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 27/08/2014 17:13

I'm sorry, but I cannot say that.

You are sharing intimacies with this man which you are not sharing with the person who believes he is your primary partner.

If you are seeing a counsellor already would it be appropriate, in the context of what is already going on, to raise this too?

Of course, if you have just not told your DH by some random omission, just tell him now.

If that prospect fills you with dread, then yes you have already gone too far.

Only you can decide what next. (Or should that be 'who next'?)

Original poster
firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 17:25

I know I am trying to justify myself here but I have no emotional intimacy with my husband at the moment. I would love to feel able to speak with him. I am trying and things are slowly getting better.

It wont be a case of who as I have no romantic feelings for my friend.

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 27/08/2014 17:27

You are having an emotional affair as Auntiestella has pointed out. You either need to stop this and concentrate on your marriage or call time and separate.

Try this: www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

AuntieStella · 27/08/2014 17:30

You might believe you have no romantic feelings for your friend right now, but this is the hallnmark if the baby steps approach to a full-on affair.

Now, if you want to leave your DH because your marriage is over, fine and Ai wish you well.

Because there's no chance whatsoever of reviving it when you're confiding, with some intensity, in another man the intimacies that belong with a primary partner.

Original poster
firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 17:32

I actually feel physically sick.

OP posts:
deste · 27/08/2014 17:32

Yes but if her friend was female would it still be an emotional affair. You tell your friends stuff.

Original poster
firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 17:36

I did that quizz I got 6.

OP posts:
mariposaazul · 27/08/2014 17:36

Good point Deste
I believe one can be friends with the other sex but its somewhat complicated here by knowing the colleague has feelings for you - it would probably be fairer to him to back off...

Tipsykisses · 27/08/2014 17:54

I was thinking the same as Deste , sometimes when you are having problems & can't talk to your partner for whatever reason then you talk to who will listen , male or female .
But op I do think if you are aware that your friend is interested then you need to stop !
If you are working on your relationship then you need to start talking to your partner .

MultipleMama · 27/08/2014 17:56

Deste - That is a fair point but the OP has already said she would hate it if her DH was talking with another women like she is with this man. You won't call it an emotional affair if she talked to another woman and he talked to another man. So where do you draw the line? It's tricky.

Some people do eventually grow romantic feelings for someone they've been confiding in for a long time. As your friend is attracted to you he could be holding out hope for you to get together. Does he know that you don't return his feelings and that you really wanting to make a go of things with your DH.

You say things are progressing slowly but surely, then don't you think he'd need to know you are close friends with this man before he stumbles upon it himself and have it become a bigger issue than it is? Does your counsellor know?

Tell your DH. You can be friends with this man but it sounds like you are already emotionally involved. If you dread telling your DH about a friend then it's gone a little too far in my opinion.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 17:58

If you could not show your H the communications between you then yes, this has crossed over from simple friendship into something inappropriate

magoria · 27/08/2014 17:58

I think it is really hard to say if it is a really good friendship or an emotional affair.

I agree with deste it may just be a really good friendship on your side.

If however he is only doing this due to an emotional attachment to you (and maybe the hope you will leave H) then you need to back off for his sake.

Original poster
firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 18:27

I suppose you're right...and I would hate for him to see what's been said...not necessarily because there is anything particularly flirtatious but that I have totally told my friend how I feel in a way that I haven't been able to with my dh.

I also think that my friend would love it if I left my husband...although to be fair to him he has never ever suggested that I should do that. Although he has expressed shock at some of the things that my dh has said to me.

I think that I've woken up to the prospect that he feels the he may be rescuing me.

I do only think of him as a lovely friend. But I take on board your comments and will stop discussing my marriage and emotions with him. I don't want him to think that there is a chance of anything more.

OP posts:
sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 18:32

I now realise that I have been seeking emotional support from this man. We have spoken about my feelings and the state of my marriage.

Turning rapidly into an EA.
But to be fair to you OP, you sound like a really nice person and you recognise that you are standing at the top of a very slippery slope.

I hope you are strong enough to do the right thing.

Original poster
firstaidkit · 27/08/2014 19:06

sweetness I wont do anything inappropriate with my friend.

Sadly now I feel guilty that I have perhaps been unfair to both my friend and my husband.

OP posts:
sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 21:04

firstaidkit,
A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to start an affair, but the thing that stopped me, was the guilt.
I would have felt as if I was cheating on my children as well as my husband - and that's what stopped me.
I sense (but could be wrong) that you are a similar type.
You won't be able to do it.

sweetnessandlite · 27/08/2014 21:05

A lot of people don't stop to think of the wider consequences, but some do just wish more did

TonyThePony · 27/08/2014 21:54

See, not to derail but this confuses me generally.

Could you still have an emotional affair with somebody you're not at all physically attracted to, as surely that would not have the potential to tun into a physical affair?

I'm not very clued up on emotional affairs. I suppose they're bad not because of the potential for a physical affair but because they take away your time and energy from your relationship....? Or is it that emotional affairs will turn into physical affairs?

Does that even make sense? Sorry to derail, OP.

Original poster
firstaidkit · 28/08/2014 08:34

I think Tony that if I spent enough time being emotionally intimate with him i.e. telling him things that I should be telling my husband etc that the physical feelings would probably come on later.

I genuinely only think of him as my friend however I am mindful that I have crossed a line, because I would hate my husband to be doing this.

Sweetness you're right. The guilt will stop me. I have resolved to not engage in talk of emotions and feelings with him.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 28/08/2014 11:17

I don't think anything is going to improve in your marriage while you continue any sort of friendship with this man. I also don't think he's a friend , but an intruder and a negative influence. When you realize what he's been doing I think you'll naturally come away from him.

I once found myself in a similar position without realizing where it was potentially going. Like you I'd had problems in my marriage and there was other things going on and I was really vulnerable. Om appeared supportive , interested and I really missed this as my husband was lacking. Nothing physical ever happened but I know he would have. I was so lonely I really valued what appeared to be his support and friendship.

In reality each conversation had the effect of my husband going further down in my estimation. I resented the fact I couldn't speak to my husband or that he wasn't being supportive. Realistically my husband had no reason to be supportive because he didn't know how I felt and wasn't even aware there was a problem. We divorced in the end , and its only in hindsight I realize what a negative influence he had been, and a contributing factor in our divorce.

It's easy to be supportive for half an hour a day when your getting your ego stroked. Om didn't work a 80 hour week , he didn't have to deal with my kids or my infirm mother, or clean up the cats sick. He also never would have expressed his views directly to my husband , but was happy messaging me in secret behind my husband's back.It's as much my fault as his. It goes without saying I no longer consider him a friend and I actually feel quite angry at him now when I think about it.

If you've decided to give your marriage a chance , do exactly that. Be all in. State specifically what you need from him to fix your marriage.

gildedcage · 28/08/2014 17:54

Balding your exactly right and this is precisely how I have come to see things.

My friend has encouraged an attitude against my husband and I have been willing to tell him things that I should never have been said.

I deflected the conversation today to normal mundane things which is what I intend to do from now on. I have struggled to be emotionally close to my husband for tge best part of a year. However if I'm going to give my marriage a chance I cannot let another man come between the two of us.

Pinkfrocks · 28/08/2014 17:59

Struggling to see why a friendship with a man should be called an emotional affair especially if you don't find him attractive.

It's quite possible to seek comfort and solace with people of either gender when the chips are down.

If you follow this logic then a woman could be said to behaving a gay / lesbian EA with her girlfriends ( who she didn't find attractive either) if she spoke about things going on in her marriage which she wasn't sharing with her husband.

He's a friend.

If he fancies you then it his problem.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/08/2014 19:42

Pink surely you don't need someone to point out the difference between an open friendship , and a secret one which is based on your spouse's faults with someone who fancy you ?

skyeskyeskye · 28/08/2014 19:45

If you would hate your H to be doing what you are doing, then you have answered your own question, in that you think it is wrong on some level.

From my own experience, my XH turned to OW and they communicated thousands of times, telling each other all their "problems" , giving each other "emotional support" whilst keeping it all secret from their spouses. There was also a lot of flirting. XH left me, then 18 months later OW left her H. They now live together.

I myself counsel a male friend on facebook when he needs help, but there is never anything in the messages that his gf could take to be out of order. It is usually me telling him to talk to her and sort things out. It never crosses that line into being anything more than me giving him advice on sorting it out. If she were to read the messages, there is nothing at all in them that could upset her.

It is when it crosses that line into talking about your deeper feelings, that it becomes a problem and you say yourself that you think that could happen if you continue talking.

I think you know that you should stop seeing your friend and concentrate on your marriage.

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/08/2014 23:51

I'm glad you've thought better of it Op. It's no surprise you've struggled to be emotionally close to your husband while this man has been around. I would stop any personal communication with him outside of work , and keep things professional at work. He won't care if you get divorced , it's not his life. Possibly once he no longer gets his ego stroked by pissing on your husband he won't want to be friends anymore.

Regarding whatever it was your husband did that devastated you. It sounds like your struggling to forgive him and that possibly you've engaged the other man as either a distraction or as a way to emotionally disengage from your husband. I don't know whether you'll be able to repair your marriage , but unless there are issues like abuse , I would commit to being 100 per cent in my marriage. I wouldn't make any decisions about things for at least a year. Having a supportive understanding friend who totally gets you tends to cloud things a bit and may leave you with an unrealistic expectation about your husband.