Is this an Emotional Affair?

[firstaidkit]

I've name changed for this because I'm gutted to think that this is what I might be doing.

I have been having a hard year with my husband. Without going into details my husband's actions and words have devastated me. I decided to give the marriage a chance and move forward with him.

I have a very close male colleague. I have never had romantic feelings for him however I would be lying if I didn't admit that I know he is attracted to me.

I now realise that I have been seeking emotional support from this man. We have spoken about my feelings and the state of my marriage. He knows about my counselling and what I'm working through...I haven't discussed this with my husband (and he seems totally disinterested).

It occurred to me today though that I may have unwittingly embarked on an emotional affair. We do text alot. and IM and I would be devastated if my husband knew what I had told this other man. If the shoe was on the other foot I would hate for my husband to have such a close female friendship. I am almost embarrassed to admit here that this has been going on.

Please say that this is just a friendship and not some kind of affair.

Yes, sorry.

If you have behaved in a way which you wouldn't want your husband to know about, then you have crossed a line. That includes sharing intimate details of your life or the state of your emotions.

Likewise, as others have said, if your husband was behaving in the same way and you would be upset by that, then you know it's wrong.

You have a choice here. You can either stop relying on this "friend" and focus purely on your marriage, and just try talking to your husband, or you can make the decision that although you truly wanted to give the marriage another go, it hasn't worked.

For what it's worth, I don't think that this makes you a bad person. You have clearly got into a not great situation, but you have woken up to it before it has gone anywhere.

And just as an addition, some people have said "WHAT ABOUT IF THE PERSON WAS A WOMAN", which I find a little obtuse.

If the other person was a heterosexual woman, then it wouldn't be an emotional affair, because there would be absolutely no element of sexual attraction there. There would be no possibility of an emotional attachment leading into a physical one.

It would be the same if the OP was leaning on her brother - there's clearly no chance of any sort of romantic or sexual attraction, so it starts and finishes at support.

In the OP's situation it's a heterosexual male with a heterosexual female, and one of whom we know is already physically attracted to the other. Even if there was no physical attraction, there would still be the underlying possibility of an emotional connection turning into a physical one.

I think the line is crossed when you start avoiding telling your husband things concerning your contact with your friend. Would you be happy to show your husband the text communication between the two of you?

The other thing that I think is worth considering is, would you be happy for him to be doing what you are doing with another woman? If you wouldn't, then you shouldn't be doing it either.