Sitting dreading the call to wish 'dad' a happy birthday

[BreakdownBound]

I feel sick to my stomach.

Fear, obligation, guilt, shame, all words I can use to describe what's pushing me to call, but in my heart I don't ever want to speak to him again.

I so admire those of you who can walk away & cut contact with abusive family members. It's not the 'done' thing here.

I'm finished pretending, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I did have counselling about 13 years ago (after my dd's birth) but I feel the old feelings creeping up again.

I know this doesn't make sense, I feel vulnerable & have taken today off work as I was awake all night with sick feeling in my stomach.

It's his birthday today, I'm refusing to visit, but not outright - I've told family I have meetings on but now I'm not at work I will say I am ill.

I'm still expected to give cards/gift & call him.

Please don't hate me but every birthday/Father's Day, I just hope is the last one.

I'm the same way, and we just fell out! Stop punishing yourself, please...

oh breakdown, living like that is no good.

you say you can't just go NC, it's not done where you are. Do you want to talk more about it, or just have some hand holding?

Who "expects" you to? Avoid them as well.

No hatred here, you have my sympathies.

How often do you usually see him?

No contact isn't for everyone. Sometimes no contact can be far more stressful - for the reasons you describe above - than contact. You may decide that, rather than calling, you can assuage the fear, obligation and guilt element with a particularly rubbish birthday card, for example. Does the job and eliminates the need to speak...

Find your own way of coping rather than thinking you have to copy the one used by other people. It'll work better for you.

Bless you. No advice or experience but, hope you're ok

Have sent PM.

I always choose cards with no 'flowery' verses.

None with 'love' or 'best dad' in them.

I come from a big family, I have four sisters. Two of which identify with me, find it difficult & live with their fears.

The other two have selective memories. They left their children in his care previously so won't face up to the truth. It's like we all know what went on, but no-one must talk about it.

It bubbles to the surface every now & then & I can't cope emotionally.

This latest bout has occurred due to family wanting to plan a party for his birthday. I said no, I can't make it (any of the dates suggested).

Why do we throw him a party when he's an abusive, ungrateful old leech.

We were at an (extended) family party (his side) recently & I walked into the kitchen to find him all over a girl young enough to be his granddaughter. Pathetic.

Yet he hardly spoke to any of his own flesh & blood - when he did it was to belittle us.

Sorry this is all mixed up, I am terrified of being recognised.

breakdown ... I think you need to ask outside for help. Though I'm glad that two of your sisters are with you.

Is there anyone can support you through the times when you feel you absolutely must have contact?

Also what would happen if you didn't have contact? Are you in a culture where you would become a pariah?

If you've sent a card there's no need for phone-calls, let alone parties. You've done more than he deserves & you're the bigger person as well as the better person. I agree with a PP that it sounds as though you need some external/professional help coming to terms with whatever it was that happened. Particularly the injustice of parties that seem to reward his continued disgusting behaviour. Has he ever been successfully prosecuted? Is he on any registers?

I am sorry you are going through this, it is awful.
I hope that one day you will achieve full No Contact and not look back. Are there baby steps you could take to get there, even if it is a very long game and takes years? I tapered off contact with my sister over 6 years.

Imho, doing the expected can be a mechanical thing, which is different from pretending...checking the box off the list, punch the time card, roll eyes and check your watch.
Buy card (very simplistic message, or a blank one where you write Happy Birthday and no more)
Sign card
Deliver card (by post if possible)
Done until next year...you could even buy 5 years worth and have them ready to post so each year all you have to do is drop an envelope in the box.

Your busy day and 'illness' are already a good start! Although I understand the illness is a true physical reaction to the circumstances. A great fog horn sounding that you do need to disconnect...at least emotionally because it made you unable to function/participate in a normal working day.

awake all night with sick feeling in my stomach. I would see this as an "enough is enough" point. Your subconscious spirit is telling you the truth. Could you return to counselling?

x post about the card selection.
Imho, do what you need to do for you. Other people's opinions should not trump how you organize your life to cope/survive having had such a father.

This man has no power over you any more. You're the one who can decide what contact there is between you, or none at all.

If you want to go No Contact it isn't necessary to make a big declaration about it. You can just gradually withdraw by being busier and busier. Just like you've done today. Or just withdraw without any explanation at all. You're the one in control, not him.

No prosecution.

I am the only one who has had counselling & when the counsellor suggested speaking to my sisters about prosecuting, not one of them stood by me.

My dh is amazing, he knows everything & is understandably a bit frustrated at the pretence we seem to keep up.

Another sister told her husband but he tends to use it against her in their abusive marriage :(
He threatens to tell our mother & brothers. Though, to be perfectly honest with you I'm not convinced my mother wasn't aware what went on under her own roof for years.

She has onset of Alzheimer's now & often has days she's not entirely with it.

They don't live together but are still close (please if anyone recognises me don't out me, I've never posted publicly about this before & my sisters would die if they knew)

But yes, we're meant to visit, meant to pretend we're a perfect, close family when deep down I want him either locked up or dead.

Thank you all so much for not judging me.

Re: counselling - I previously had in during the day as I was a sahm, now I work full time & I doubt if I would have time to travel to the previous place (90 mins each way) but I might look for some closer to home.

A girl I studied with is a counsellor so she may point me in the direction of someone she knows.

What will happen if you don't visit or send a card?

that sounds a good start. Im glad you have a loving and supportive husband too.

When you look for a counsellor, see if you can find one who specializes in the sort of abuse that you endured and survived. Some are better than others. The BACP is one organisation you can contact here. I think there are others too.

Also, read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's quite interesting and sometimes rather enlightening. From your comment about your father making belittling comments it's clear there's more than one sort of abuse going on and Toxic Parents helps you see things that you didn't before.

Please take care of yourself, you are adult now and have the potential to become powerful in your right, however little you feel it right now.

Take care.

Thank you meerka.

I perhaps should have clarified, I have already got a card, I left it with my sister yesterday. She is going to visit tonight (and deliver the present we all had to contribute to)

One other sister is angry as we haven't planned a meal/cake/party (she is one who used him (& mum at the time) for child care as she & her dh worked. Despite knowing what happened to us.

I don't know whether she ignores it or chooses to believe none of it happened.

Lately I have noticed myself not letting her smooth things over - after the family do a couple of weeks ago I told them all I was disgusted by him, three of my sisters were there too, they agreed, but this (she's the oldest) sister doesn't want to hear.

He called us stupid all our lives, compared us to neighbours children, said we were thick & worthless - then when I (the only one of us) went to uni & gained my degree, he didn't come to my graduation.

Naturalbaby, nothing will 'happen' as such, but it will be noted & bitched about to my family & brought up time and again.

Their bitching and moaning about you is their problem; you won't be around to listen to it. If others bring it to you, cut them off with a clear boundary that you do not want to hear/discuss it. Speak with your feet (get up and leave) if you have to, time and again.

Cut the apron strings and set sail for open waters. Your soul will race with the wind towards the horizon.

FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - the toxic legacies left to adult children by toxic abusive parents like your Dad (and his wife who may well have known what was happening behind closed doors as well).

Why is cutting contact not the done thing here?. Winged monkeys otherwise known as well meaning but useless and totally non comprehending family members making you think such guff?.

I would also suggest contacting BACP. Never forget though that counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with you and your own approach.

Can you shrug off things your family say? If they can't see what's going on then they can say what they like - it doesn't sound like anything you can do or say can make anything better with your family.
It sounds really tough, and crappy that nobody else in your family is strong enough to stand up to him.

Lately I have noticed myself not letting her smooth things over - after the family do a couple of weeks ago I told them all I was disgusted by him,

sounds to me like you're on a ride to standing up for yourself and the best thing you can do is to get professional help as to how to best direct the horse. And post here if you need to, or on the stately homes thread.

they may bitch about you btw, but is that truly so unbearable? it sounds like you have the support of your two other sisters.

I cut contact with my family after years of being called stupid, thick and worthless. Cut them all off, what god do they bring to your emotional well being? Have therapy, set yourself free, will take time and be hard work, but oh so worth it, fuck them off!

Know this feeling very well. I don't believe in god but found myself praying she was out and I could leave a message on her answering machine and I didn't have to actually speak to her.

Then one year, she texted me a happy birthday message. I was so happy because it meant I could also send her a text. And I have ever since. I will probably see/ speak to her once a year for about an hour and all we talk about is her.

Took years for me to get to that stage and it sounds like you are just starting on your journey. It will be hard but worth it.