Sitting dreading the call to wish 'dad' a happy birthday

[BreakdownBound]

I feel sick to my stomach.

Fear, obligation, guilt, shame, all words I can use to describe what's pushing me to call, but in my heart I don't ever want to speak to him again.

I so admire those of you who can walk away & cut contact with abusive family members. It's not the 'done' thing here.

I'm finished pretending, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I did have counselling about 13 years ago (after my dd's birth) but I feel the old feelings creeping up again.

I know this doesn't make sense, I feel vulnerable & have taken today off work as I was awake all night with sick feeling in my stomach.

It's his birthday today, I'm refusing to visit, but not outright - I've told family I have meetings on but now I'm not at work I will say I am ill.

I'm still expected to give cards/gift & call him.

Please don't hate me but every birthday/Father's Day, I just hope is the last one.

.

Sorry, I wanted to ensure my name change had worked again.

I didn't ring, I didn't visit.

My sister called me & said I had been missed & it had been noted I was the only one to have had no contact (even though I know another sister didn't visit but she has a large brood of children & it tends to be understood she doesn't go out in the evenings). Also my younger sister text me yesterday saying my mum was saying she hadn't seen me in so long & she wondered if I'd visit. (This means seeing him).

I don't feel any better for not having called, I feel anxious all the time.

I looked up the website of the counselling team I used before & they only have one night open late to 8pm. I don't even know if the counsellor I used before is still there.

Does anyone think they'd tell me if I called? It's about an hour away from my workplace, I work until 6pm, could be there for 7pm if there was no traffic - but I dunno.

Thanks for listening and for sharing. I might pop over to the stately home thread for a read.

I expect they would if you rang them, Breakdown, I think you must because you need somebody else on your side besides your husband. You sound badly in need of some support.

I'm so sorry for you. I don't see or speak to my dad now. I used to speak to him on the phone but hadn't seen him for at least 10 years. I don't want to see or speak to him again but as he told my brother that unless his children make an effort, he will not bother. I'm happy with that but still, his birthday makes me sad and stressed.

I really hope you can get the support that you need to give you strength to decide - wholeheartedly - to stop seeing your dad if you think that would make you feel better. However uncomfortable that would be for you at first, it would get better as time goes on.

... and I absolutely understand about wishing the birthday/father's day to be the last.

for you, you're not on your own, Breakdown

Yes, do ring them breakdown. Nothing to lose and maybe something to gain.

honestly, you are entitled to live your life without fear.

Fear - that's exactly it.

We were at in laws last night & after a few glasses of wine she asked after my parents.

I found myself telling her I hadn't went over on his birthday, how he behaved at the family party a few weeks ago etc I said I couldn't face him as he's a selfish prick.

I think in my own head I was testing the waters for how they would react if anything ever came to light. Mil told me to "wise up" that my dad obviously loved us all & that he was just "silly" by hanging around the younger girls in the kitchen.

I only have one close friend who knows my history - I have come close to telling others but they're too close to the rest of my family.

My SIL (dh's only sister) knows as she has had a scary experience & we shared confidences, but she wouldn't (and obviously hasn't) told her parents. We're not close nowadays so there's no question of me talking to her about anything. It was her who minded dd when I attended counselling previously.

Dh is reluctant for me to go to counselling as he saw how much it took out of me before, but agrees I need a way out of the fear & guilt.

Look at counselling like a quicker way of dealing with the hurt and pain.

You could work it out for yourself, which will take a lot of false starts and years. Or go to counselling and have someone guide you. Both hurt like hell though.

And don't worry about mil. She could not understand it as she would never do that to her children and can't comprehend someone doing it.

That's what my mil said to me. She couldn't comprehend a mother doing that to their child. But she gets it now. And said she will mother me. :)