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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wedding drama - need advice/a good talking to!

77 replies

dollfin · 26/08/2014 15:08

Hi All

I really need someone to give me their honest opinion on something.

My OH has gone abroad today, to his cousins wedding. All his family have gone, including his sister, her partner and her 3 kids (14, 10, 7).

My OH and I have been together for 3.5 years and although my son (3 years old) is not his, he brings him up as his own.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my son wasn't invited to the wedding and because I never have any childcare, i couldn;t go either. So I am at home and OH is off in Italy with all his family.

Maybe I should be ok with this but I'm not, he said it was no kids but why are his sisters older ones going. I feel really hurt and really upset, basically like his family dont like me or my son. He has had a massive go at me before he went as he says I'm being ridiculous. I just can't help it, I want to cry and just feel so hurt.

Please someone tell me I'm being stupid. I don't want to feel like this :(

Dollfin x

OP posts:

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 10:10

I do stand up to him, its just got to the point that sometimes now i just try and pick my battles/moments. We've both got strong personalities but it feels like his is coming out on top at the moment. Like he knows how much I don't want to lose him and that gives him the upper hand. Saying the word intimidated is horrible, I don't want to admit I sometimes feel that way. I can't believe someone like me would ever say that :(

No, the irony is not lost on me but my mum was unhappy because she didn't love my dad, exactly the opposite which I think is why I'm clinging on like the proverbial limpet. Need to give myself a shake.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 10:16

You're unhappy because he doesn't love you.

longtallsally2 · 27/08/2014 10:16

Ah X posted. Agree with NewEra, you do sound lovely, but you also sound very very insecure in yourself.

It's not a bad quality to not want to leave someone you love. However, if you are really in love, you will be prepared to work at your relationship and that means speaking out if the other person is damaging it. It doesn't have to be confrontational. It can be over a glass of wine, or a nice meal. It doesn't have to be complaining or negative, it can be positive and be forward looking.

Make it clear that you were expecting more from him. You may have been unreasonable about expecting to go to the wedding, with no childcare available, but you were not unreasonable expecting some sympathy and a cuddle. More importantly, you are not - ever - unreasonable expecting your OH to be there for you and to listen to you when you want to talk about something.

It is hard having a relationship and a small child. It is all the more important that you plan to have time together to do things, and to talk, about big things and small things, sad things and happy things. If you are a family then you need to be planning to do things together and that doesn't mean you should be having to wait until he is in the right frame of mind to say something.

My dh is not the easiest man to talk to. We are both busy and I was always knackered at the end of a day of work and childcare. Our kids are bigger now, but I know that it is not easy. However, planning to do stuff together, and talking about the little issues, are the oil that keeps a relationship moving smoothly.

Best of luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 10:23

" he knows how much I don't want to lose him and that gives him the upper hand. "

That is the crux of most bullying relationships. An imbalance of power. They represent something you don't want to lose, or you love them more than they love you, or there's some kind of sense of obligation, guilt, fear.... but it's an imbalance. The bully knows the victim's weak-spots and needles them for their own purposes. I know you don't want to admit that you are intimidated but the more he keeps you on the back foot, frightened that he'll say it's all over, anxious to please... the less of a challenge you become. You're easier to control

You mentioned shouting and that he ridicules your opinion. Have things ever got physical? Pushing? Throwing objects? Threats?

OnlyLovers · 27/08/2014 10:24

I find I have to put a lot of effort into what I say and make sure it isn't inflammatory

So you're walking on eggshells. That's not healthy.

You have a great job, friends, house, son. Frankly this bullying, uncommunicative man who's 'not very good' at supporting you and sharing the domestic work is not good enough for you.

Please spend this time looking up some of your friends and talking to them to remind yourself of who you are, of what it's like to talk to people who do not talk over you until you give up and of how nice life could be if you didn't have to watch every single thing you say.

Oh, and I wouldn't respond to his text.

And as for 'he expects me to be by his side' at the UK leg of the wedding, well if he wants someone to be by his side he can hire an assistant for the day. Or get a dog.

You are better than all this, OP.

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 10:25

Thanks longtallsally2. I like your advice, I may try that when he gets back and see what happens.

OP posts:

longtallsally2 · 27/08/2014 10:36

I hope that you can. As the pps have said, it doesn't bode well, if you have to think too much about what you say, or if he reacts by bullying you. And in the end, you may have to accept that that is who he is. But you have the chance now for a fresh start, and to call him on his bullying. Try to remain calm and tell him how you feel.

"When you shout over me, it tells me that you don't care about my feelings"

"I understand that I may be unreasonable, but you are my partner and I want you to understand how I feel and to sympathise with me."

And most importantly, keep on posting and reading threads here. COG and others know what they are talking about. I know that I am much stronger now and far less likely to accept things that I am unhappy with, than before I found MN.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2014 12:31

SO he was nice when you met, but as soon as you started being less desperately grateful and compliant, he started bullying you? This is fairly typical of abusive men who simply don't really think women are people. I bet he tells you that you are lucky to have him...

Itsfab · 27/08/2014 13:14

You can try your hardest to make it work but it is pointless when the other person doesn't feel the same.

Letting him into your baby's life so soon was a mistake as it has made you put pressure on yourself to make it work for him and give him a father. He has a father already that is deadbeat. He doesn't need two of them.

My advice would be to have a trial separation. My hope would be you would realise what a prat you have been with and that you can manage on your own - forget about already planning your next boyfriend - and that being gorgeous to look at is worthless when they can't offer support and a mature relationship. Of course he might grow up and it all be fine or you might be so downtrodden you go back but I really hope it is the former of the three options.

Being heartbroken does hurt but you will get over it. If you stay with this idiot your life will be exhausting until he finds someone less attached, more malleable and younger. Then you will be older, more heart broken and left with an even more upset little boy.

You are doing nothing wrong at the moment unless you stay and then you are doing everything wrong. And he behaves like this because he can, because he wants to and because there are no consequences. Yet..

Love is only worth it when you get some back.

clam · 27/08/2014 18:43

"He has said that he expects me to be by his side"

Does he now? Clearly not when he's jollying off to this wedding abroad though. You wanting to "be by his side" then is "being stupid."

I'd be telling him to Fuck Right Off on that one.

maddy68 · 27/08/2014 19:19

I think you sound upset understandably. However he is close to his family, and you were invited. They can't invite everyone and tbh I can understand your son not being invited, spaces are limited and they don't sound as if they know your son particularly well. I think you are over thinking this. You could have got a family member to look after your son if you really wanted to go.

I think I would just shrug this off if it were me

tipsytrifle · 27/08/2014 19:55

a) I've been with him since ds was a baby and I promised myself I'd try really hard and put all my effort in to make it work. I'll feel like I have failed.

On the contrary you have succeeded in the trying. The mission could be ended non-judgmentally now - because it's toxic. Some promises are just inappropriate and no-one in the universe would ever hold you to them .. hence we allow the ending of relationships despite the vows ...

b) This sounds utterly pathetic but I love him, i can't bear the thought of him with someone else. It makes me feel panicked

Is this love? Or need? Or jealousy and possessiveness on your part?
The panic? Part of that ownership/jealousy i think. Or the need to be needed yourself. Is that how you felt when he said he expected you to be at his side when he said so? Was that your call to arms?

I think to some extent it's ok that we need to feel needed.
The question is ... by whom? Does it come at a cost greater than could/should be paid?

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 20:44

Well all I can say is that when I met him, I was never a jealous or possessive kind of girl. I was very balanced, calm and happy, was ecstatic to have met him and just wanted a nice relationship.

You're probably right, I do feel jealous, right now today I feel insanely jealous and upset and like they're all talking about me and laughing at our crap relationship while he's lounging around on the beach without me. I feel completely mad, made worse by the fact hes posted about 5 dozen pictures of himself having a whale of a time on facebook.

I have never been this way before. I have never been this kind of person. I hate myself for it. I've spent the whole evening crying.

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/08/2014 20:51

You realise that it may be because he is excluding you, being an arse with you and that you feel left out?
It sounds like you may have every reason to be jealous. Perhaps not of a woman, but in the sense that you know he's not "yours".

tipsytrifle · 27/08/2014 20:53

dollfin - seriously this man is so in love with himself that he has little room for you, dollying on his arm or wherever ...

Your perception of what others feel about you is a fiction, created by your own fears and thoughts about yourself - created by your low opinion of yourself ...

When you met him you were more balanced. Now you are not.
How might that be?

I think you're crying for the gorgeous you that you lost.
How about getting her back?

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2014 21:04

I think this man has deliberately manipulated you into this mindset. Men like him hate women. They are particularly drawn to women who seem strong and competent and happy, because it's more enjoyable to crush such a woman and 'prove' to themselves that women are subhuman things that need to be owned and trained, harshly, into submission.

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 21:10

How do I feel better about myself though? How do I put myself first and value myself more? Why is my self esteem in such tatters? :(

I feel so unsure as to whether i'm being unreasonable and confused about my feelings that I don't know what the heck I'm doing anymore. Every time I look at another picture of him smiling away its like a knife in my heart

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/08/2014 21:13

You walk away.

What are your housing like? Rent? Own? Joint? His? Yours?

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 21:16

I've got my own house, I've lived there for a long time so it's cosy and mine. It's just finding the strength, the hope is the hardest thing, its always there saying that things could be different, or might be, if I just did something differently

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/08/2014 21:57

At some point you realise that they don't change and that's when you are ready.
I hope you manage to before he destroys you.

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 22:19

Thanks Lweji, sounds like you are speaking from experience x

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/08/2014 22:22

Thankfully I wasn't destroyed, but have been in the position of hoping for change.
When I left I had given up on him.

If it helps, I have had no more tears since leaving. And if someone is not making me happy, then I don't have space in my life for them.

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 22:29

You sound like a very strong person. I know I can do the same, I just need to reach the point where I've given up. I really don't want to start all over again

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/08/2014 22:36

its like a knife in my heart
So how many times can you endure being stabbed in the heart? No relationship is worth it being stabbed in the heart.

I sincerely suggest that you get off of facebook. Seriously, he is posting knowing you are watching. Just leave it. Or post your own 'having a great time without you' pics yourself.

Also, make other plans for the uk celebration day. Throwing you a crumb, expecting you to be on his arm (grrr). He can get a bloody tattoo if he needs you on his arm.

To value yourself more I think you need to emotionally detach.

Vent your anger here, journal, to anyone but him...then go completely indifferent to him: Come or go, together or split up= do not care anymore. It is hard, but necessary to move on and not be a prisoner to your emotions, or to not depend on him for your happiness. Always have a Plan B ready and be perfectly happy to instantaneously switch and proceed. Time with him is good, that's great. But let him know that your time without him is great too.

It is not you, it is him. He's a jerk.

Original poster

dollfin · 27/08/2014 22:53

That's a great bit of advice, I think I would find that something I could do andthebandplayson.. thank you.

OP posts:

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