Wedding drama - need advice/a good talking to!

[dollfin]

Hi All

I really need someone to give me their honest opinion on something.

My OH has gone abroad today, to his cousins wedding. All his family have gone, including his sister, her partner and her 3 kids (14, 10, 7).

My OH and I have been together for 3.5 years and although my son (3 years old) is not his, he brings him up as his own.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my son wasn't invited to the wedding and because I never have any childcare, i couldn;t go either. So I am at home and OH is off in Italy with all his family.

Maybe I should be ok with this but I'm not, he said it was no kids but why are his sisters older ones going. I feel really hurt and really upset, basically like his family dont like me or my son. He has had a massive go at me before he went as he says I'm being ridiculous. I just can't help it, I want to cry and just feel so hurt.

Please someone tell me I'm being stupid. I don't want to feel like this :(

Dollfin x

The DP said she was being stupid, that isn't the same as saying she is stupid.

No it was definitely, I don't want to hear what you have to say and I'm really angry with you for being stupid.

All I wanted him to say was, I understand how you must feel and its not my perfect scenario either but I have to go as it's my cousins wedding and we'll have some nice time together when we get back. Not just angry words at how stupid I am because I felt left out.

As much as you ladies might want to think I gave him a hard time, I promise I didn't. I just waited for him to discuss it with me and he didn't, he didn't even tell me the flight times or anything, almost like he felt bad about it inside and couldn't bear to bring it up because he knew I wasn't completely fine about it. Then when I did bring it up, he wanted to cut me off, almost like he couldn't handle me being upset.

Now I don't know what to do as i've been invited to the UK celebration of the wedding and I don't know if I want to go. He has said that he expects me to be by his side but I don't know if I want to I feel so upset over the whole thing. I just think it could have been dealt with a lot better.

He has said that he expects me to be by his side

As in your duty?

He never has any patience with me if I'm feeling upset and he thinks I'm being stupid. Just raises his voice and talks over me until I stop talking about it. Consequently I feel unheard and frustrated

It doesn't sound good at all, and to be honest, I'd be evaluating my whole relationship.

Is this what you want your son to live with?

The plan would have been for my DS to stay with my mum for a couple of days and make a short trip but was never really an option as my parents both still work and have rotas planned in advance. So I asked her some time ago but she wasn't able to have him, which wasn't a surprise as she's always so busy.

@Lweji, maybe you're right. This type of communication isn't something that hasn't happened before.

I just so desperately wanted things to be right. Sometimes we get on so well and is so lovely. When we have difficult times, he can be difficult to communicate with. I've never had these problems before in a relationship yet he has a history of failed relationships with these kind of problems.

I agree with those pointing out that this is not really about the nuts and bolts of the wedding guest arrangements. The boyfriend is showing a dismissive and rather arrogant attitude to the OP's unhappiness and it sounds as though this is a pattern rather than a one-off. There are a lot better ways to resolve a disagreement than to accuse the other person of being 'stupid'.

I'm sorry your self-esteem is so low OP.

"raises his voice and talks over me until I stop talking about it. "

That's called 'bullying'... He may be physically attractive and you may think he's the best you can do, but bullying is really horrible character trait and a recipe for a miserable future.

Can he acknowledge that he has a problem in this respect?

He could work on it, but if he's not prepared to, then you risk having years of misery ahead of you.

So am I.

He acknowledges things sometimes but he can't help himself when we get into a difficult situation, its like trying to manage two 3 year olds sometimes! I find I have to put a lot of effort into what I say and make sure it isn't inflammatory. but I'm getting fed up of it as now I feel like I can't even mention anything that bothers me. I mean even if he does feel irritated with me for saying something, surely we should both have the confidence to speak within our relationship.

'History of failed relationships because of these problems'? So, basically, he's a good looking arsehole, and woman after woman has realised this and dumped him.
Add to that history, OP. He's not going to improve. He likes women to be pretty, sexy and obedient. He doesn't really think they are human, more like pets that need to be trained to know their place.

Why would splitting up be hard?

Well a few reasons:

a) I've been with him since ds was a baby and I promised myself I'd try really hard and put all my effort in to make it work. I'll feel like I have failed.

b) This sounds utterly pathetic but I love him, i can't bear the thought of him with someone else. It makes me feel panicked

In summary, thats it really.

You don't have to put up with him, you know? I realise you're in a very difficult place and your confidence is on the floor but, all the time you're with this person and not standing up to him, that's not going to improve. If I'm reading your first post correctly, you got together with this guy when you were pregnant. So does that mean you'd just been dumped by your DS's father? Were you feeling vulnerable at the time? Is there any sense that you feel grateful towards him?

You say you're normally pretty secure and strong but he's clearly playing on your weaknesses rather than bringing out your strengths. You may not feel up to 'LTB' exactly but you don't have to tolerate being bullied.

"I find I have to put a lot of effort into what I say and make sure it isn't inflammatory"

Oh dear. 'Walking on eggshells' is the popular way to put this and I'm afraid it's a pretty classic feature of emotionally abusive, bullying and controlling relationships. Fear leading to manipulation. When you cannot be yourself, speak freely and act normally within a relationship for fear of triggering an angry outburst, it is likely that it is an abusive relationship.

As for a), you haven't failed. He has.

And b), it sounds like possessiveness more than love. What do you love about a man you can't talk to freely?

I'm assuming you are both early twenties? This really sounds like one of those dilemmas that comes with age. Aesthetics over personality.

In your twenties (and I know I'm generalising) you do tend to let pretty boys get away with murder and it sounds as though you are mad keen to keep hold of him even though he really isn't a catch whatsoever. As you get older you tend to view people differently, they are more fully formed as individuals and personality overtakes symmetry in what's important for a life partner.

I suspect he is bit looking at long term as if he was he would be including your child in his plans at family events. It does sound as thought the 'no child rule' was his rule and not the Brides. Italian families tend to be extended and extremely welcoming of children, more the merrier type of affair. I guess you will get to see the photos on Facebook eventually so you will be able to see for yourself if children were there.

If I were you I would be trying to change my mindset and see this as a temporary relationship. I know you are not ready to quit now, and that's fine, but there will be a point in the future when you see him for what he is and you realise you have had enough. Just don't let too much time slip through your fingers before you take the rose tinted specs off.

OP - I am sorry to say this, but they are both terrible reasons to stay in a relationship.

One person cannot carry a relationship. There are two people involved, and BOTH need to behave in a way which encourages a happy, healthy relationship. YOU CANNOT DO THAT ON YOUR OWN.

On the second, I will be blunt - who do you love more - this man, or your son?

Do you want your son to grow up to be the kind of man who shouts over anyone who has a different view to him? Who calls people stupid and treats them like dirt?

Children learn by example.

I wish I was in my early twenties, unfortunately add a decade onto that!

Its not so much that I feel grateful towards him, more that I was determined that I was going to put my whole heart and soul into this relationship and do my utmost to make it work. It went very wrong with sons father. He doesn't see my DS and hasn't since he was 6 months old. I wanted to do something right, to make a proper go of things. Then when I met OH, it wasn't like settling, it was the full works, butterflies, he was gorgeous, the time we spent together was amazing. He was lovely to me, lovely to my 4 month old baby and I felt like it was meant to be. Then over time it's gotten to be like this, slowly but steadily.

I just feel so so sad inside. I spend time remembering how it was (futile I know) and hoping and praying it will get better. We still have great times together, have fun when we go out and when we both try, its great. Its just he slips into these old ways. I want to feel together, like me and him against the world and unfortunately I don't. I don't feel like he really cares anymore.

I am not a pathetic person, I've got a great job, nice friends, a nice house, I'm fairly attractive and slim (i think), I try really hard to provide a nice life for my son. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe if I wasn't so bloody nice all the time, he wouldn't be like this. I feel like he takes everything for granted, including my love. He sent me a txt this morning, saying "Its raining, how miserable with a sad face". No how are you babe? Hows your day been? No nothing, just him, him, him...

kaykayblue - that made me smile, I like your brand of frankness :)

I love my son more, of course I do. I will do the right thing by him and I know what you're saying. Its hard to actually make the decision to put a line in the sand though.

Its probably more the dream that I'm obssessing over but either way, I will be heartbroken and thats a hard choice to make.

"Maybe if I wasn't so bloody nice all the time, he wouldn't be like this. "

I'm not advocating that you suddenly become a horrible person but sadly, all you get from being 'nice' in the sense of being passive, compliant, accommodating and having low expectations is contempt. I suspect that you blame yourself for the break-up of your previous relationship & that you are as anxious to have a father figure for your DS as you fear loneliness for yourself.

I'm still confused with the timing. How long elapsed between your previous relationship ending and you getting together with this new guy? How long after meeting did you move in together? Looking back, were you in a good state of mind to make long-term decisions? Were you treated to the 'full-on' sweeping off the feet style romance?

Dollfin you sound really lovely, but as the poster above said, you cannot make this relationship work all by yourself .

I really don't know what to suggest as you yourself have described yourself as quite a catch - slim, good job, own house. Why are you putting up with being treated with disdain and disinterest? Baffling.

I was 8 weeks pregnant when me and my ex broke up. Met OH when DS was 4 months, moved in a year later. The first year was lovely as I was also on maternity leave, he owns his own business, we had loads of spare time together, spent lots of time just generally doing nice things. I felt we were ready to move in together but when i went back to work, thats when it got hard, as it does. but I couldn't look after him as much, needed his support and help around the house. Hes not very good at that!!

I don't know why I am is the short answer. I am confident in some ways but a child of a fairly awful marriage and a mother that was never happy. I don't like rejection and I can't bear the thought of leaving someone that I love. Thats being very very honest, probably more so than I ever would be if I were taking face to face. It genuinely leaves me feeling like I couldn't bear the sadness. I'm sure there is probably more to it than just one guy. Its hard to make sense of my feelings sometimes.

OK, so you are a mature woman, with a lovely son, a good job, friends and a home. But you are "hoping and praying that your relationship will get better" - you know that 'hoping and praying' arent going to make that happen, don't you? If things do improve it will be because you become a stronger woman, and start to value yourself more.

I have a feeling when he comes home that he is going to be surprised by the person he finds. He thinks that you are moping about missing the wedding and missing out on a sunny break. I think that his message is trying to make you feel better, hinting that it isn't fun there. Instead you are thinking about yourself, your life and what you really want.

It may be that your relationship can change, but it may be that he already takes you too much for granted. Only you will be able to tell. However, you need to tell him, in clear terms that a good relationship is one where people listen to each other, support each other, sympathise with each other and that that takes patience and time and love. Does he have these things? Does he want to make this work? Or is he just interested in an easy ride, with a partner who looks good on his arm and does not demand much from him. Counselling would offer a way forward - Relate are fantastic - but it would only work if he is interested in having a grown up relationship, and in keeping a fantastic, strong, caring woman happy.

So, keep on posting, keep on thinking and enjoy the prospect that things will be better, one way or another after this.

If you pull back from ideas of leaving a person you love, what is preventing you from standing up to them more than you do? It is easy to become intimidated if you are repeatedly ridiculed or shouted down. It is also easy to minimise his behaviour as 'poor communication' or 'not good at providing support and help around the house'.... when the truth might be nearer 'contempt.... doesn't think you're worth communicating with' and 'arrogant... believes domestic work is beneath him'

I suppose the irony is not lost on you that your DS is going to have the same experience as you did growing up? An unhappy mother and held hostage in a fairly awful relationship.