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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thanks mumsnet for teaching me what stonewalling means

48 replies

whatisforteamum · 26/08/2014 10:16

I wish i found this site before.For all the times ive been ignored or had a whole conversation on my own while DH watches tv.When i ask for a response he says what do you want me to say?
In more recent years he has gone to bed and when i follow he shuts his eyes even hours before he would go to sleep so i can ask him things with his eyes shut !!!
I am a chatterbox anyway and we watch tv in different rooms and i cant see him most days from 430 am until 7. So i feel about 1 hr catch up is not unreasonable.
I am quite an independant person but have felt lonely at times and thought it was me expecting to go out every now and then ( 1 day this yr).
I have bent myself out of shape trying to communicate as i had never heard of stonewalling...thank you for making me realize i am not a needy person

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 10:41

Glad you've found the discussions useful. What's your next step, do you think?

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 10:53

I guess then that you also understand that stonewalling is a technique employed by emotional abusers. That is a horrible realisation to make. But yes, it's not you it's him

Will you continue to tolerate it ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 11:00

Is he as uncommunicative with others as he is with you? Does he socialise? Have friends? Hold down a job where he's required to talk? Will he speak if he wants something or is it wall to wall silence 24/7 regardless? 'Stonewalling' to me is to deliberately refuse to communicate as a way to exert control.

You mention going out which I assume means as a couple. What happens if you go out with friends independently? More silence or something different?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 26/08/2014 11:26

Hi he used to be talkative and he chats away to anyone,neighbours, workman ,my sistersand their DH s.I would describe him as sociable although we have both worked long hours and not made any effort to socialize.He is glad if i go out or to work.He often suggests it.
He just wont discuss us or proper problems with the DCs claiming he is tired .
A prime example this yr i asked him to book some hols as i wanted us all to have a break after both kids exams,a horrible winter with his heart attack and my new job.
He said we would sort something and not to go on.This was in april.
He knew my hols were set and couldnt be changed.
His new hobby golf clashed by coincidence when the dates came through.
I pointed this out.
Come june he agreed days before to cancel the sat golf after alot of pleading from me ( too late to go anywhere)
Then proceeded to go to the july one so another boring week eventhough i found a last minute cheap break and the kids were off !!
My point is if he told me in march book what you like i am no part of it i would ve known that.
Now DAds aggressive cancer is back and spread,Mums check is due and ive had a shit summer here hoping DH could be honest for once.
Yes he does eyerolling,sighing and mocking when i ask him to talk so nothing is ever agreed.Or he waits then tells me to shut the fuck up out of nowhere.
I am currently keeping out of his way and concentrating on my sanity and health after trying to get blood out of a stone for years.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 12:10

I suggest you give it up as a bad job, love

Don't waste any more years on hoping for a change from someone who has no intention of doing so

juliascurr · 26/08/2014 12:18

what a nasty way to behave
he is being very selfish

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/08/2014 12:27

I have seen you post on other threads about how uncommunicative your H is and whjilst "better the devil you know" seemed initially like a safe tactic, isn't this like a death of a thousand cuts, slow and tortuous?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 26/08/2014 13:21

i know and i had a thought that i would get the kids through school and to an age where they understand ( our DD says why dont we split).Im sure it never occured to me my parents would be very ill.I am going to be reeling when they do die as anyone would.It has been very hard to watch them both have chemo and scans and operations in the last 2 yrs.
Obviously i wouldnt have done anything whist he was recovering from his heart attack i am not a complete cow.
I know im quite bossy/ organised at times but i have to be with both of us on shfts and two teens.I knew the marriage wasnt right but i made a descion to stick it out for the kids.Also my Mum is a "youve made your bed youve gotta lie in it type".
She probably thinks because i nag (ask but no one listens) i get what i deserve.
This weekend was easy he went to golf sat i worked sun and mon while he did chores.It is only when i need emotional support or sometime away from here i meet a brick wall.My parents tell me not to work so hard but it is preferable to being here if he is.

OP posts:
GoEasyPudding · 26/08/2014 13:37

I'm wondering if he has become worse after his heart attack? Has he shut down even more now? This must have been a huge shock for you all?

Meerka · 26/08/2014 13:50

From what I've seen on here, an awful lot of kids grow up wishing their parents had not stuck it out for their sake.

I'm sorry but it sounds like he just doesn't want to be near you, nor you near him.

Fairenuff · 26/08/2014 13:58

Once you know what stonewalling is you being to wonder how you could have thought it was anything else don't you OP?

There is no need to look for other reasons if he is stonewalling. If he has problems, he needs to address them.

Stonewalling you has absolutely nothing to do with whatever problems he has, be they medical, emotional or psychological. In fact, on the contrary, it's just a way to avoid dealing with them.

Once you accept that he chooses to stonewall you all you can decide now is what you are going to choose to do about it x

BerylStreep · 26/08/2014 14:03

Doesn't sound like a nice way for you to live exist.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 26/08/2014 14:07

Yes the heart attack has contributed to his anger and temper the docs agree and he is currently on medication( more) for his moods.His mother died at 44 from a HA so that has added to his stress he is 54.
Although he did have outbursts before i put this down to us doing 94 hrs some weeks last summer.
Strangely one of my reasons for not leaving 10yrs ago was he was such a good Dad i thought it would be wrong for either of us to get custody of the kids despite the other (he loves the kids to bits we both do).
Meerka i can imagine that is true but i have no idea how happy they would ve been seeing one of us in a bedsit as we do not earn enough to run 2 homes :(

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 27/08/2014 09:56

Berylstreep my Mum calls it an existance too..no fun or friends just work and outbursts or being ignored.I cannot drive on motorways as i get nervous so i am limited where i can go or take the teens if he is doing his own thing.We have never done much but now it is ridiculous.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 27/08/2014 11:08

Well, it doesn't seem like he is going to change. So what are your options?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 27/08/2014 12:51

My options at the mo are concentrate on the teens and work ie focus on what i have and not on his behaviour which is ok unless we all have the same days off.Find female friends to go out with rather than hope he will bother.Some of the blame is minei have been too tired on my days off to do much and often had a couple of hrs kip on sat afternoon when the chores were done.(thats shift work for you !).
My parents would be horrified if i said i would put off chages while they are so ill but i dont want a nervous breakdown.
Also im getting advise incase he gets any worse and i have to take things further anyway :)

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 27/08/2014 16:23

Thanks Humblepiemonster i am being daft.Going on about my marriage when i have a roof over my head.I need to pipe down and concentrate on Mum and Dad and what i can do for them while they are still here fighting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 17:05

I don't think that is what HPM meant, OP. There is a cycle here. You get to the point of actually doing something about this then you rationalise and convince yourself it's not so bad after all.

Nothing will change until you change it, I am afraid.

HumblePieMonster · 27/08/2014 17:21

OP, just to be clear:

Leave him. Sort yourself a life. Did I not say somewhere that a life in a studio apartment with a bed of your own would be an improvement? I'm sure I did.

You are not being daft. You are being abused. I think I've said that too.

Your mum and dad would probably be heartily relieved if you sorted yourself out before they die and they could leave you in a happier situation. I hope so, anyway.

Good luck. Good luck. But life is short. Get on with it.

Phineyj · 27/08/2014 18:48

A bit off topic, but a couple of driving lessons on the motorway might sort out that anxiety? I did that and it helped. They are one of the safer places to drive once you know what you're doing.

SoleSource · 28/08/2014 00:27

My ex did this to me, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and you will become more and more self doubting, belittled and depressed, LTB

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 29/08/2014 19:33

Phineyj yes i know what you mean about driving.I had motorway lessons as part of my driving and did drive on the motorway for yrs.Then about 9 yrs ago had bad panic attacks so i attempted a short trip and froze vowing never to do it again.I wasnt sure if it was a changable thing through lessons or a psycological thing if you know what i mean..
Solesource im sorry to hear that. I am no saint but today beggared belief he got up at 6.30 AM FOR GOLF when all summer i pleaded for a day out and was told he couldnt get up before 9 due to tiredness from his heart pills.2 weeks annual leave wasted.
I think it is an acceptance thing that ALL the things i loved about him are long gone with no sign of returning. Like a gradual shutting down of what was.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 29/08/2014 19:41

This sounds heartless but sorry, I have to ask: when your parents do die (and I'm so sorry you're going through that, it must be very painful for you), will you inherit anything?

Because if so, you'd be better off divorcing him now, so that he has no claim on any inheritance. He might be living in a bedsit, but you may not have to.

Sorry if that's distasteful to think about, but you might as well be practical.

unrealhousewife · 29/08/2014 19:57

OP I completely understand that you think you can't afford to run two households even on two incomes. This is the sad rwality for many women in dead end or abusive relationships, the thought that they have to downsize and squeeze their teen choldren into a shoebox, deal with the extra work, legal fees and other expenses, there is a point where you will think that waiting until the children are older is the best option.

Have you really looked into the financial implications though? It might be better than you think. Try Gingerbread, they are very helpful. Of course it will be very hard but you will also mert someone else some time in the future. Nothing can change while you stay with him.