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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thanks mumsnet for teaching me what stonewalling means

48 replies

whatisforteamum · 26/08/2014 10:16

I wish i found this site before.For all the times ive been ignored or had a whole conversation on my own while DH watches tv.When i ask for a response he says what do you want me to say?
In more recent years he has gone to bed and when i follow he shuts his eyes even hours before he would go to sleep so i can ask him things with his eyes shut !!!
I am a chatterbox anyway and we watch tv in different rooms and i cant see him most days from 430 am until 7. So i feel about 1 hr catch up is not unreasonable.
I am quite an independant person but have felt lonely at times and thought it was me expecting to go out every now and then ( 1 day this yr).
I have bent myself out of shape trying to communicate as i had never heard of stonewalling...thank you for making me realize i am not a needy person

OP posts:

saltnpepa · 29/08/2014 20:13

How exhausting!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 29/08/2014 20:21

What askbasil said a thousand percent! OP please find the strength to leave this miserable existence. The sun will shine for you again but you have to make it happen. Even the DCs want you to part. That speaks volumes! Best of luck.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 29/08/2014 20:30

yes the thought that when my parents die i maybe better to get away first (though i did know someone who had claim to her exs inheritance).I also think there must be someone who would love me and my crazy ways.You are so right anyone would think i was married therefore i must be happy and not realize how lonely it can be.

OP posts:

unrealhousewife · 29/08/2014 20:41

Also, if your parents die you will be very emotionally unstable and possibly not strong enough. My life was just put on hold for a while.

BerylStreep · 29/08/2014 22:12

It sounds to me that he has emotionally checked out of your marriage quite a long time ago.

I was thinking about you today as I was driving back from work, and thinking how much your H must dislike you to treat you the way he does. It is heart-wrenching.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 30/08/2014 08:01

To be honest i have been going through the motions of working ,cooking cleaning for yrs and not having much to do with him,often because he worked sat and i worked sun so we were never off together.Our mortgage was paid last yr so i thought we would have time and money to go out.Our one day in over a yr is pityful.
TBH i had to give him the benefit of the doubt since his HA as it is a long recovery process.
UNREAL yes i can imagine my parents passing away will knock me for 6.Cancer is a cruel illness too.They dont rely on me but i live in the same town and obviously offer shopping help etc.
Thank you so much for replying i thought i was expecting too much,no hugs,hardly any sex (who wants to with the angry man) and no proper conversations,at least i know im not crazy :)

OP posts:

HexBramble · 30/08/2014 08:18

OP, you'd be crazy to stay, and I mean that as kindly as possible.

This is not a life, you are in a mere existence and allowing someone who treats you with such disdain to continue. The 6:30 am golf thing angered me. This man doesn't care what you think.

I know what I'd be doing.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 30/08/2014 08:39

Believe me i was furious as i was not allowed to wake him before 9 all summer.I am an early riser about 730 i get up and get on with jobs.He set an alarm when we had 2 days off but turned it off one day and the other was still in his dressing gown at 10 and watched me walk out bathed makeup and best clothes.I drove to the nearest town.
I think so many people have told him to do what he wants for himself since his heart attack he literally is !!!

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/09/2014 17:53

Strange thing happened on sat evening.My DH admitted he had " F**d up the summer by going to his golf events.Apparently he wasnt sure i actually wanted to go away as i usually dont.I had pleaded for months though so im pretty sure this was an apology of a half cocked nature.Now summer is over.
Then he said his temper was due to the fact he keeps thinking he will have a 2nd heart attack.
we discussed the fact i wanted a better relationship before my parents do pass away.He said he will be there for me.
It is very hard to live with someone who has had a personality change over the yrs and sometimes i wish i had enough money to live alone or with the kids.

OP posts:

Unrealhousewife · 02/09/2014 18:03

Then he said his temper was due to the fact he keeps thinking he will have a 2nd heart attack

Surely that's exactly how he will have a second heart attack?

AskBasil · 02/09/2014 18:11

So he's pretending he didn't know something you've made crystal clear and excusing his awful behaviour by blaming it on his fear of death, so you can't call him on it?

Nice.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/09/2014 18:48

yes that is about it.i explained it would be our last hols with kids, and awaiting parents 3 month checks which were bad results for Dad, and i lost 10lbs but no he thought i was just saying it...bollocks.Ive had a tough yr too with kids exams,new job and an ill hubby.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 06/09/2014 19:25

Just moaning.Dads cancer has spread,17 yr old daughter looking for a job,Mum has cancer check due(she is stage 4) hubby pissed off to golf again and my boss text me i have to go into work 2nd sunday in a row for a meeting aaaaaaarrrghh.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 07/09/2014 01:36

Gah you are getting it tough at the moment. You are entitled to vent. Nothing much useful to say, except that with all things in life, you will get through it, eventually.

Chin up, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

mathanxiety · 07/09/2014 01:57

'he does eyerolling,sighing and mocking when i ask him to talk so nothing is ever agreed.Or he waits then tells me to shut the fuck up out of nowhere.'
This is verbal, emotional and psychological abuse.

'he's pretending he didn't know something you've made crystal clear and excusing his awful behaviour by blaming it on his fear of death, so you can't call him on it?'

You are being gaslighted, and manipulated in an extreme way. Nothing can trump fear of death right ?. How cruel a wife would you have to be to bother a man who might have a second heart attack with her silly problems (or remind him that you exist)...
And of course he knew and understood clearly that you wanted to get away this summer. No wonder you have no idea if you are the crazy one, and think you are a nag, and apologise for being organised (which you call bossy) and seem to think you have to apologise for being efficient about running your home.

And no wonder you get panic attacks while driving.

His assurance that he will be there for you is meaningless. Words are cheap.
He will be playing golf.

He has checked out of this relationship, and it is dead.

LickleMiss · 07/09/2014 06:44

How about asking for a divorce?? Would he open his eyes then?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 07/09/2014 18:07

Ha Ha that made me smile LICKLEMISS :) .Thank you ladies for all your replies.Perhaps he thought i would nag about not going anywhere but when he apologised and said he had f*d up summer (our 15yr old son has been nowhere at all)He said sept would be different.Then 5 golf events appeared 1 through work.
I dont do blackmail such as" i would eat healthly if you cooked for me"...erm no i did that yrs ago and you have 11 types of sweets in your car!!
I am an organised responsible person and i try to be more laid back at the weekend as i know not everyone is up at 7.30 like me getting the chores done.I have gone out several days so he has to cook tea on the weekend as i work too.
He did tell me when i lost my sex drive and Mums cancer was bad " well she is not dead yet"
Most of the time im busy but sometimes i feel very lonely and a bit afraid of when my parents die especially with my boss although he appears to be on the new girls case at the mo :)

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 07/09/2014 18:13

LTB

Everything else has been said.

Is this really how you want to live your one and only life?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 07/09/2014 18:52

Strange question i have savings but only work part time so how do people afford to live as a debt is al i need right now.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 07/09/2014 19:02

You try to work full time, or you get a second part time job.

The cost to you of working part time and not being able to see how you could manage without your H's income is enormous.

CharlotteCollins · 07/09/2014 20:19

Hopefully you get maintenance and definitely you get benefits - tax credits, council tax reduction for single adult. Have you looked into what you're entitled to?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 07/09/2014 21:05

No Charlotte i havent yet but i will have to now.DD is 17 and just left school and ds is 15.When i looked into it 10yrs ago we wouldve been better off apart as neither of us earns much.I can see now though that his feelings/personality have changed so much i need to find out where i stand.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollins · 09/09/2014 21:27

Remember that financial considerations aren't everything. Even if you were poorer apart, that's not necessarily a reason to stay together.

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