What to do about difficult MIL , fed up now (and a bit scared)

[hopesteadman]

Have name changed as could be recognised.

MIL can be difficult. She is usually fine. She does have a dominating and controlling personality but usually her heart is in the right place and she is generally popular with people.

When something or someone displeases her though she loses her temper. She either lashes out (with other SIL) or does the silent treatment (with me). I can't bear tension/unpleasantness and this really affects me and I am actually a bit scared sometimes of her responses, even when talking on the phone so I try to end the conversation ASAP.

Afterwards she does feel bad and acts as though nothing has happened. Now that I am sort of used to the pattern I expect she will get over it but the tension can last for days. I don't think she will change now. I just need strategies for managing her and not letting it get to me so much.

Domineering and controlling personalities make for a poor combination no matter who it is. Her behaviour is emotionally abusive towards other family members. As for she being "popular with people", well abusive people can be very plausible to those in the outside world; pillars of the community etc. Also they do not ever see this side of her that she reserves for family members like yourself and your SIL. BTW what does her own H think about all this?.

It is NOT your fault she is the ways she is. Her own birth family did that lot of damage to her. What if anything do you yourself know about her own background?.

What does your DH think of her?. What sort of relationship does he have with her these days?. Does he leave it all to you re his mother?. If your DH thinks she is "difficult" then it will be easier for you. He is key here; he should be the one dealing with his mother rather than you trying and failing to manage her. Honestly I would completely limit all contact and stay the hell away from her. You do not deserve such treatment at the hands of such a toxic relative.

You also need firm and consistent boundaries with regards to this person because currently they seem far too low. Raise the bar here and stick to it.

No she does not feel bad because she acts afterwards like nothing has happened. She feels good actually because she got what she wanted from the other person on the receiving end of her abusive behaviour.

Yes it is a pattern and the best thing you can do for yourself here is to completely disengage. Trying to somehow manage this will only further tie you up in knots. Her behaviour is about power and control at its heart, she wants absolute.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are no different honestly.

I think the only response to difficult or bullying people is to be more assertive. They're not going to change their behaviour until it's made clear to them that it's not acceptable to you. They have to be challenged, even if you find that idea daunting. If they are being deliberately unpleasant it doesn't mean they'll change, but if they have an abrasive manner there is a chance they'll treat you with a little more respect.

If you are assertive and express yourself then, whatever happens, at least you have self-respect. You should never be 'scared' of anyone.

What are you scared of her doing?

What does your DH say/think?

Because that is the key to every MIL problem I've ever read about on here.

If he's on her side, from 'poor mum, she doesn't mean it' to 'But she's my Mum! I will never upset her, of coruse she comes first!' then you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

If he's equally cowed by her - you have a different problem, but at least something you can potentially work on together, with low-contact stratgeies at the forefront.

If he's upfront about not standing for her nonsense, that 's the easiest of all. He needs to be fronting this, calling his mother and making it clear - when she's sorry but 'ignoring' it, that it can't be ignored, she really upset you and if she carries on acting like a brat, she'll lose you both.

Thank you for the responses.

Attila, she comes from an educated and loving family with lots of brothers and sisters. Everyone else is friendly and polite and perfectly nice. Her parents had her late in life so were quite elderly but they were normal. She does have stresses in life - looks after her dgc, both of whom have SEN and can be difficult to manage as SIL and BIL both work FT. She does a lot for them and I think she thinks this gives her the right to behave like this.

Dh agrees that she is difficult and he disengages totally when she is like this. He thinks her behaviour is petty but he won't ever discuss it with her. But most of the time she is ok and we have a close relationship. He is very respectful of her and loyal in the sense that he thinks that (apart from this issue) she can do no wrong.

Cogito, if I became more assertive she would become even more aggressive and the situation would escalate. I basically just ignore her back.

FunkyBoldRibena, I think it is because, as we usually have a fairly close and normal relationship, when she turns on me like this I find it really intimidating and scary. She would lash out and argue and tell me everyone she thinks I have done wrong. I am never good at arguing back. Even in normal conversation she is dominating and talks over others.

The thing is, I would like to have a good relationship. I really want us all to be close and loyal to each other and for much of the time we are. That is why it is so difficult when things fall apart like this. It would be much easier if I didn't care.

"Cogito, if I became more assertive she would become even more aggressive and the situation would escalate"

If someone makes it a power battle, you hang on in there and fight. You don't get any respect by running....

I know what you're saying and you are right. The one time I asked her if something was wrong she smiled sweetly and said 'nothing' and then carried on ignoring. I think you are right though that I need to steel myself to have that conversation. She actually becomes contemptuous and sneery but I will have to get past that.

" I am never good at arguing back. "

That's only because you don't do it enough. This woman probably has a 20-30 year advantage on you - she has honed her technique! She is the way she is, in part, because no-one stands up and says 'you're out of line'. The only way you get 'close and loyal' with a bully is when you're doing what they want. So unless you fancy being an obedient little mouse for the rest of her natural, you'll have to bite back.

The good news is that these people are rarely original. She probably defaults to various conversational tracks which you can anticipate. Rehearse some come-backs and put-downs and then try them out.

I think it is because, as we usually have a fairly close and normal relationship, when she turns on me like this I find it really intimidating and scary. She would lash out and argue and tell me everyone she thinks I have done wrong. I am never good at arguing back. Even in normal conversation she is dominating and talks over others.

If you're rather scared of her then I'd guess you're not as close as you think you are. Genuinely loving relationships are complex, but being afraid to speak up creates a distance between you that you can ignore a lot of the time, but it's still there.

Are you afraid of conflict with others too? Why? What is it about it that scares you?

I suspect that the only way to handle this is to keep quiet and mousey, or to stand up to it. if I became more assertive she would become even more aggressive and the situation would escalate. sounds rather bullying. If you want things to change - which is the best option - you will need to stand up to her.

Talk to your husband about it first though, plan out what she might do and how she might react, and then plan out how you will handle it.

I'm afraid also that you might want a close and loyal relationship but it has to come from her as well as you; and she wants to rule.

If you stand up to her, you'll find out if she is, in the end, willing to compromise or if you can be close to her only by being the subordinate one.

Thanks Cogito, definitely do need s change of strategy as this is getting miserable now.

Meerka yes I do avoid conflict with people outside my immediate family. I don't know why, probably related to low self-esteem and the need to be liked.

I do look back and think about what I should have done differently. For instance, in this situation she became angry when she found out something that really was not a big deal and nothing to do with her so I should have asked her why it was making her so upset.

mm and if you can, keep in mind that if she's angry over something unimportant, that it's her problem because she's choosing to respond that way.

Pays to practise being assertive more generally of course. Doesn't mean being unpleasant or aggressive. Does require a certain amount of confidence and enough self-esteem to be able to say to yourself... I am unhappy with this situation and I deserve better.

BTW... you don't ask the bully what's making them upset because that's legitimising their reaction and giving them attention. Instead... 'sorry you're choosing to be angry, but it's really none of your concern'. Then disengage. 'I'm not going to discuss it'. If it triggers a big long sulk... enjoy the peace and quiet :)

I know Cogito, am working on it. I do need to change my mindset and to really understand the dynamics of our relationship and our interactions.

Thank you all for your input, has really helped to gain perspective.

In that instance, don't ask! That's what she wants you to do. Put the radio on, say 'anyone for tea? And ignore.

If she continues say 'MIL, if you have an issue then spill, otherwise perhaps go home. I am not going to pussyfoot around your stonewalling, as that is a tactic I do not engage with.' Then put the radio on, put the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. Or if you are at hers, go home. Or at other people's, go and talk to them. By reacting with 'is everything ok' it just makes her feel like she is winning this battle.

Changing mindsets can be a difficult job. If you're naturally a particular personality, then that's who you are and probably who you will always be. What I would suggest therefore is that you don't wait for your mindset to change before you act. Someone once put it as 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I think of it like an actor on a stage i.e. play the role of the confident assertive person, even if you are shaking like a leaf on the inside. People generally respond to what they see and what you say... not what you are thinking and feeling.

Yeah, assume the part.

Talking through what might happen with someone supportive helps prepare you mentally. So does practising being assertive with them (warn them first! :) ). Literally practising what you should have done in the situatoin and could do next time. It's not the same as being in the middle of it of course, but it can lay down the beginnings of a different pattern of behaviour.

Unfortunately I don't think any method of "managing" it without changing your behaviour towards your MIL will work. She treats you that way because she can - but not because you deserve it! She likes the control.

You don't have to go down the argument route at all. A firm "I won't accept you talking to me in that way anymore" is a good start.
If that's too confrontational for you then maybe "you are damaging our relationship by treating me this way" or "I can't respect you when you lash out this way" and then remove yourself.

My MIL makes passive aggressive comments to my SIL all the time but never to me. Firstly I have much stronger boundaries but more importantly DH would step right in before I even had chance to open my mouth if she pulled that business with me. On the other hand, BIL would never step in to protect SIL - that's vital!

Your DH really has to drive this but if he can't then you have to deal with this yourself. Managing it without changing boundaries is effectively just putting up and shutting up.

And when she starts crying, do like someone I know did and shout. 'Get the woman a tissue'.

horriblehenrietta that is really interesting (and inspiring). Good to know it can be done and with a good outcome.

Cogito, I actually have that book and found it helpful. Had never thought to apply it in this situation.

Meerka I will practice and hopefully be a bit more prepared but it all happens so out of the blue. Well, not always. It is often related to when my family visits or of she feels I have not shown her enough care/respect/attention. I think next time I will try to appear more detached and confident.

"It is often related to when my family visits or of she feels I have not shown her enough care/respect/attention"

Attention-seeking/bullying/manipulative behaviour often stems from insecurity. Not suggesting you should feel sorry for her but someone who feels threatened by the fact that you enjoy the company of your own family is pretty pathetic. As for being shown care, respect and attention... takes more qualification than being 'the mother' doesn't it?

Detached and confident sounds like the perfect costume. Pop it on, try out a few lines, see how you get on. Observe the response subjectively rather than taking it personally perhaps?

Or:
MIL are you ok, as you seem to have gone silent again.
I'm fine.
Are you - are you really? As that's the 8th time since last [whenever] that you have stonewalled me when I have spoken about my family. Have you got an issue with me seeing them? Really? really?

I'd stick with detached and breezy and ignore but have that up your sleeve in case you need it.