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Original poster

What is 'normal'

27 replies

elenuntis · 26/08/2014 01:39

Ok, so I've lurked for a while and read this section a lot in search of what is a normal relationship - I sometimes think our marriage is far from normal, here's a few examples:

We never really talk about anything and its very difficult to discuss anything without resulting in sulk, anger or hurtful remarks. Totally uncompromising.

OH never wants to do anything, just sits on sofa watching TV. My OH has almost no friends, and never goes out with them, or does anything with them and has fallen out with lots of neighbours and my family by being 'difficult'.

Never disciplines the kids, they get away with murder and often undermines me.

Terrible sex-life, very one sided and always conditional. Zero affection or even warmth in any aspects of our life.

So, I know there's 2 sides to every story, and I'm sure that I'm far from perfect - but it is normal to feel like this after 10 yrs of marriage? Is it just the grind of marriage, family life and pressures - or does this seem really bad?

OP posts:
CheesyBadger · 26/08/2014 01:43

Seems like you have some things you need to sort out. Are you happy?

Original poster
elenuntis · 26/08/2014 01:55

Cheesy - not happy most of the time. I've tried to talk about it, just results in the subject being changed, or a hostile response, or goes to bed early to avoid the issue.

In the past 6 months i've been to to f off several times, called a cnt and subject to other forms of passive aggression.

OP posts:
CheesyBadger · 26/08/2014 02:07

Then no, that's not normal, it is abusive. What are you going to do? You don't have to put up with this. Dp can sometimes be passive aggressive but most of the time all is ok. It just sounds like nothing is right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 07:20

Being told to fuck off etc is not passive aggression, it's aggression... verbal abuse even.... and it's not consistent with a caring, loving relationship. Sulking and withdrawal of affection are tactics often used by bullies. I'm intrigued as to what one-sided and particularly 'conditional' sex might be. Conditional on what? Hmm Just from that pencil sketch he sounds like a lazy, man and a bit of a bully working on the (incorrect) assumption that, just because you're married, you have no choice but to tolerate being miserable.

Are you still personally on good terms with the friends and family that he is offending or are they pulling back because of his attitude?

saltnpepa · 26/08/2014 07:23

Does sound abusive but sounds unpleasant and unproductive. The swearing at you would need to stop but I think that's not unusual in lots of relationships, except perhaps the c word. What do you need in the relationship and work backwards from that. Do you love him?

saltnpepa · 26/08/2014 07:23

I meant doesn't, doesn't!

WaitingForMe · 26/08/2014 07:24

I don't think what is normal matters so much as the fact you aren't happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 07:39

"I think that's not unusual in lots of relationships"

I'm very sorry saltnpepa that you're in a relationship where you are regularly told to fuck off. Hmm

Glastokitty · 26/08/2014 07:42

No, that's not normal or good at all, you need to split up. I'm with my husband 22 years and he is my best friend, you deserve nothing less. No one should live with name calling and abuse, never mind bad sex , no communication etc etc.

saltnpepa · 26/08/2014 07:58

No I am not regularly told to fuck off, probably twice in 20 years. I have told my OH to fuck off more than that and know I do not abuse him. I have friends who are not in abusive relationships were they tell eachother to fuck off fairly regularly in arguments but they are not abusive relationships. A relationship becomes abusive where there is an imbalance of power, basically where there is power, control and coercion. Not where two equal people engaged in an equal argument where nobody is scared or diminished in anyway, tells the other to fuck off. No it is not relating at its best of course, but that in itself does not constitute abuse. Not by any real or wider definition. Verbal abuse is not defined by the occasional fuck off. I think in some situations calling abuse doesn't help a person work out what they need in a relationship, instead it sends them running for the hills.

OP you asked what's normal? I think what you describe is normal for a lot of people but that doesn't mean to say it is healthy or adequate. It is not my normal and not a normal I would want but I think it's some distance from abuse. Have you considered relate/similar?

perthmom · 26/08/2014 08:15

I don't know what a "normal" marriage is either. I'm not happy in my marriage. It is very hard to tell what anyone else's marriage is like from the outside. DH and I don't talk about anything meaningful because he gets defensive, and I don't think we have the same ideas of were our lives are going. There are many things we do not agree on. He is reluctant to go out and do anything, if we do go out, I ALWAYS suggest it, never him. He doesn't have any independent friendships of his own and doesn't like the husbands of my friends, so we don't go out with other couples any more. I see my friends by myself. He doesn't help much around the house. He works for himself, which means he doesn't work a full week. We are not well-off financially and I feel he could work a lot harder/longer hours. I work part-time and do the bulk of the housework and childcare. He has never hit me, and in the 14 years we've been together, I think he's told me to f--k off twice, and likewise I've said the same to him a couple of times during heated rows. We've been to counselling in the past and it did help, in that he really made an effort, but it was very expensive, we stopped going and things returned to normal. I really do not know if I love him tbh and wish I knew what to do. The kids do love him though and that is what makes me hesitate to divorce.

kaykayblue · 26/08/2014 08:21

Well it certainly sounds like you are in a terribly unhappy marriage.

If this were a "normal" - but which I assume you mean "healthy" marriage, then far fewer women would be excited about getting engaged and would instead probably be filled with a sense of doom.

To me, most of what you list are deal breakers. Undermining you in front of your children? That is unforgivable (obviously when it's a regular thing).

Sulking or getting hurtful whenever you want to discuss something? Sounds like a teenager of the worst kind.

No affection? I couldn't live without affection. I just couldn't.

Do you want to stay in this situation, or do you want to leave?

firesidechat · 26/08/2014 08:44

Does sound abusive but sounds unpleasant and unproductive. The swearing at you would need to stop but I think that's not unusual in lots of relationships, except perhaps the c word.

Like Cogita I'm surprised that you think swearing at each other is normal. I'v been married for 30 years and my husband has never sworn at me, even in the midst of a heated argument. We may be odd though because he hates swearing in any context.

I know some couples swear at each other in a bantering way, but what the op describes doesn't sound like banter.

mosaicone · 26/08/2014 09:33

It's not normal, but probably common.
You should be able to talk when problems arise, you should have a sex life that suits you both, housework and child care soups be shared, and a social life where you do stuff together as well as apart.
I can't believe people think telling your partner to Fuck off is ok!
My partner is by best friend, I could never speak to him like that :(

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 09:35

I don't think it is "normal" but it sounds completely miserable

Why are you living like this ? Do you think you need punishing for something, because I consider a relationship like this to be somewhat of a penance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/08/2014 09:45

What do you get out of this now?.

Something keeps you within this so what is it?. Please do not tell me that you stay within this miserable marriage for the children. What do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships, you want them to think that this loveless marriage is their "norm"?.

You sound completely ground down (as would happen to anyone being married to someone like your H) and the children are being affected by the behaviour of their anti social and difficult dad as well.

KouignAmann · 26/08/2014 09:50

I didnt read your OP as DW posting about DH but carefully gender neutral. Not that it matters but PPs are assuming you are female and OH is male.

Whatever the case it sounds an unhappy relationship and you may want to look at counselling to work out what to do next

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/08/2014 10:23

Good point about it being a gender-neutral post. However, not confident the lazy, offensive person being described (either gender) is going to be enthusiastic about the idea of counselling.

AnyFucker · 26/08/2014 10:28

Most of the replies are also gender neutral

hellsbellsmelons · 26/08/2014 10:35

I doesn't sound 'normal' to me.
It sounds bloody miserable.
Why are you putting up with this?
Can you to to relate together or apart?
Do you have people in RL who you can confide in about this.
Maybe get their perspectives on this?

Could you speak to your OH and get them to go to the GP?
Sounds to me like you are both unhappy.
Life's too short to be miserable together.
Much better to be 2 happy functioning parents apart!

Original poster
elenuntis · 27/08/2014 19:43

Thanks for all replies. I now feel saddened and that I've wasted the best part of last 10 yrs. why stay? For the children obviously. As with many other stories, things in our life have complications and are not that straightforward that I could up sticks taking kids with me....

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 28/08/2014 07:18

You don't need to up sticks, but you should start to make plans to leave. You can do it, and you should, if not for your own sake, for your kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2014 07:27

'For the children obviously'

Are you confident your children are benefiting from witnessing this aggressive and unpleasant behaviour? Do you think they like seeing their parents (both of whom they will love) so miserable? When they grow up would you be happy for them to have a partner that treated them the same way you are treated?.... or worse, treat a partner that way themselves?

It's rarely as straightforward as upping sticks but, where there is aggression and abuse present, you are damaging more than yourself by tolerating it. If you're not up to ending it, be more independent, less reliant, & always ALWAYS stand up to the bully.

Pinkje · 28/08/2014 07:32

Are there no hobbies or sports you could do together, either just the pair of you or all together as a family? Pick a few things you like and get him to choose.

Is there something to plan together, something to look forward to?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2014 10:27

You have not wasted 10 years.
You have learnt a lot.
You have gorgeous DC.
And please don't ever stay 'for the children'
What a burden to put on them.
You being miserable and abused will be 'their' fault.
That's just not fair.
Get things in order.
Understand what you are entitled to and start the ball rolling to getting out.
You do NOT have to put up with being verbally abused by anyone.
Certainly not in the safety and comfort of your OWN home!