Help me decide whether I should stay or go?

[allaboutsteven]

I'm a male but wanted a bit of female advice. I am going to be honest here so I hope no one thinks I'm an arsehole after posting. Sorry if it's long.

I got married young (21) was married for 15 years and for the first 10 is was great. My only negatives were that she was quite hard to communicate with and she didn't enjoy sex very much. I'm ashamed to say that although I loved her the lack of sex did make me feel rejected, lonely and unsatisfied and I had a couple of one night stands during the marriage (she never found out). 10 years into the marriage we had a son and after that the relationship fell apart.

She withdrew from me and started spending a lot of time working diferrent hours to me so we got no time together, then she started to form a close relationship with a friend of mine where they would stay up late talking and it looked bit suspicious.

The rare sex then dwindled to nothing (we had no sex at all the last few years) and all affection or closeness went out the window too. If I asked her what was wrong she always said "nothing" or that she was just tired. We tried counselling but after two sessions she said it was pointless. I tried everything I could think of to make her happy but nothing worked and she wouldn't tell me what it was that I needed to change to get her to love me again. People were telling me she was having an affair with my friend and I suspect it was true as he was always sniffing around her but I was scared to ask.

Life was miserable over a few years and I developed mild depression. I knew deep down the marriage was over but we had a son and I didn't want to leave him. Also I was very close with my wife's family and we lived in a very small community where it would be hard to be divorced. I felt like losing her meant losing my entire life and didn't want to accept it was over and have to start a whole new life alone.

Then I met a woman (call her Karen) unexpectedly and fell in love. After meeting her my depression went away in weeks and I felt happy again for the first time in years. She was beautiful, lovely, exciting, sexy, interesting, kind, funny and to be honest I could not see what she ever saw in me. She was not willing to be in a relationship with me if I was still married, so I plucked up the courage finally to talk to my wife about divorce and she seemed relived I brought it up and we agreed to divorce without her ever explaining why she stopped loving me.

We stayed living together for a few months but she frequently slept away from the house so during that time I was seeing Karen and falling for her deeper and deeper.

I moved out of the family home 4 months later to a town an hour away where I didn't know anyone. Karen was having problems with her job so I suggested she look for one near me and move in with me (2 hours from where she lived). She was concerned it was all too quick and that I needed time to be able and grieve the end of my marriage but I was insistent she move in right away, I told her my marriage had been dead for years. She agreed and we moved in.

I know it sounds like a recipe for disaster, which maybe it was but at the time I was completely infatuated and in love with her and being with her stopped me feeling sad or depressed..

Shortly after that the soon to be ex wife moved the friend I suspected she had been sleeping with into my old family home, confirming my suspicions and he took my place in my old family.

I know it sounds like a rebound but I really did love Karen equally to the love I had for my ex wife and even with hindsight I do know that. At first it was infatuation because she was so sexy and bright and interesting and gave me so much love and affection but over time it grew into a really deep love because she was a wonderful person that was compatible with me in every way. More so than my ex wife ever was.

She made me happy, I felt at home with her, she was easy to talk to, I could tell her anything (things I could never tell the ex) and communicated with her much more easily than I did with my ex, she actually talked to me, our sex life was incredible, I found her so attractive, she was loyal and sweet and devoted to me. She was great with my son and my friends and family all said we were far better suited and how great it was great to see me happy again.

Two years years after moving in together I loved her so deeply and knew her so well that I was sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, so I proposed. At that time there was no question I loved her with all my heart.

Six months later, I had a shock bereavement and my depression came back really severely to the point of being suicidal with it. I started feeling like my life was no good, hopeless, like nothing would ever be good again and I got a lot of anger and irritation and directed all of it at poor Karen. She was very understanding but I found once the depression came I didn't feel the same way about her any more and after making her life hell I went to stay at a friends house to get some space.

She was in bits but stood by me and supported me even though I was a real arsehole to her. I just couldn't cope with being in a relationship with her or anyone and thought I didn't love her any more.

With the depression a lot of unresolved emotions about my marriage surfaced and I got (and still feel) incredibly angry at my ex wife for taking away my whole life without giving me a chance to fix it. I hate dropping my son off to my old house where she now lives with my friend. I never confronted either of them and feel so angry but don't want to do anything to upset the amicable childcare arrangements we have. I also really miss my ex wife's family and being included as part of their life and feel like I lost everything due to this man taking it from me. At family occasions I hate my wife not being there with me as a family and she is cold and uncaring towards me and has been for years. Even when she knew I was ill.

I have been in treatment for the depression for a few months now and I feel a lot better and as my emotions and perspective start to return to normal I realise I do still love Karen but that I also do still love my ex wife and my feelings are all over the place.

I feel like I have not let go of my ex wife properly and have a lot of emotions to work through, but I am confused over whether or not this is because I still love her or if it's just the fact that I had a shared history / family / life with her and things were never resolved.

I know I need to work through all this, but at the same time Karen is the most wonderful woman, and I am scared if I lose her I will regret it forever. I suspect on a cognitive level that I do still love her. I know I definitely loved her like crazy until I got depressed but at the same time I have put her through so much and don't want to hurt her.

Can anyone tell me what I should do?

[Fairenuff]

It is the same because instead of dealing with the problems at the time, you both checked out. Her emotionally at first, you physically, both of you intellectually.

Really this relationship ended a long, long time ago but neither of you was brave enough to deal with that at the time. Whilst it is understandably easier to carry on from day to day pretending things will get better all by themselves, it's not the most healthy way to resolve problems.

However, that was then and you can't go back in time so what you have to do now is find out where you want to go from here.

Anger is just a feeling, like any other. It's natural, we all experience it. Try to remember that we are never in a constant state of one emotion. Feelings come and feelings go. You won't feel like this forever.

Are you having counselling at the moment?

[allaboutsteven]

I had some counselling but it was expensive. It did help me to realise all the causes of my depression and is helping me to feel better but I am still all over the place a bit.

The letter is a good idea - but not a very "male" thing to do. I struggle a lot with this sort of thing

[Fairenuff]

I think you would benefit from more counselling. It's important.

[tia2187]

It wasn't a very me thing to do either I am rather stubborn :) but i'm glad I did it as it meant I could vent and not upset anyone and actually worked (to my surprise).

[rainbowinmyroom]

Can your counsellor agree a payment plan? You would probably greatly benefit from more counselling. It can give you tools to cope and be self-reliant during tougher times in life.

[allaboutsteven]

You're right, I don't love my ex wife any more, it's just attachment to my old life which I do miss a lot. Especially at Christmas. Her parents were very close to me and it drives me insane to think of my mate at the table in my place. I hate dropping my son off there. It's really hard to adjust to but our marriage was never that great. No communication and she didn't care about my needs or ever want to work anything out. She didn't make me feel loved or important like Karen did and to be honest she knows I have been depressed and hasn't cared enough to enquire if I am okay.

I do love Karen. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone before I got depressed. Every time she walked into a room I felt better about the world. She might have been a plaster, but she wasn't a rebound. I am certain of that much.

I just can't feel it right now and feel so low and despondent.

I am getting more depressed the last couple of days. I think I do need more help. I found it hard to get up today and couldn't go to work or do the washing up. I found myself drinking and I'd stopped drinking a while back to help with the depression.

I miss Karen a lot but at the same time want to be alone so I don't have to talk to anyone or see her big eyes looking so confused and rejected when I don't want sex the way I used to or when I say the wrong thing.

I talked to her tonight and she's assuring me I can have as long as I need to process all this and she will have my back no matter what. She's not saying she's waiting for me but she is saying she is there for me. I think we're going to agree to see each other once a week but I didn't feel well enough to commit to that just now on the phone.

I do feel most closest to joy when she is around. It's just that interactions and time with her bring me up then there is a big crash that follows. I will write that letter. It's a good idea. I just feel too tired inside right now ad thinking about all these emotions that are coming up is really taking a toll.

[Pinkrose1]

Writing down you thoughts and feeling here are helping you believe me. You are getting so much off your chest that you have kept inside since the divorce.

You are able to talk about your ex wife here which is something Karen may not want to hear. A man (or woman) beating their chest about their ex love is a huge turn off.

You can't keep looking to Karen to 'make everything right in your world'. She's a woman, not Santa Claus. You've got to come to terms with the loss of your old life and stop looking back. If you carry on this way you will lose the one person who will make your future worthwhile.

Relate offer very reasonable counselling and they see people on their own. No ridiculous long waits like NHS counselling. I assume you are on anti depressants? If not you should be at this point in your depressive illness.

[allaboutsteven]

I was on anti depressant but just came off. To be honest they helped me feel a bit better but also made me feel really numb and disconnected so I wanted to come off as fast as possible. I'm going to try again I think, maybe not ready.

[KoalaKoo]

You need to go back to ypur gp immediately and try a different anti depressant. Can you not see that you are feeling far worse lately and have turned to drink. These could well be related to coming off medication.

[Fairenuff]

You medication will take time to work so you should see your gp as soon as possible. Keep posting here if it helps.