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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Posting as a diary...no need to respond but support appreciated

37 replies

HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 10:39

I've posted about H and our relationship before.

I'm pretty much disengaged from emotionally but need to leave him/get him to leave.

Today I got up with the DC's, we played for a bit & then the usual bickering between them started.

H came downstairs at 9 saying 'well done, yet another weekend you've avoided giving me a BJ' ConfusedHmm

Kids argued about something minor, I tried to sort it & chaos descended.

H was shouting at the DC, they were shouting at/about each other. H started his usual complaining at my patenting skills to the DC and calling me thick which is when I argued back. I've totally had enough of how he does this.

He deflects any conversation about it by point blank refusing to talk, calling me a nag, calling me by my mums name as a childish insult.

I ended up shouting, which I'm not proud of, but it ultimately ended with him grabbing me round the throat, pushing me about & then drawing his fist back as if to punch me, saying 'you really want one don't you'

I'm calm, DCs are eating breakfast but what a fucking mess ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

OP posts:
flagnogbagnog · 25/08/2014 10:43

Do you have anywhere you could go? Because I would be gone

Purplevicki · 25/08/2014 10:51

Please leave. Now.

goldsilver · 25/08/2014 10:52

You already know this man is physically and emotionally abusive. Is there somewhere you can go, as soon as possible? You seem very strong and I admire you but please, don't put up with this. You are worth so much more and he doesn't deserve you at all. Can you go out for the day? Make more arrangements?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/08/2014 10:52

I feel really sorry for your DCs being held hostage in a house where this is going on around them. Must be incredibly stressful & damaging for them. Please end it for their sakes as well as your own. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get the ball rolling soon.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 11:01

Cog, you're right which is what's driving me to disengage & ultimately get out.

Me & the DCs have plans to go out for the day today, returning later.

I've requested that he be gone when we get home, though the chances of him doing so are virtually nil. He says the thought of me living with them alone would prevent him from sleeping at night. Another one of his lines.

We have relatives staying from tomorrow until the weekend, which will at least mean he leaves off from shouting etc.

I've just had a quick shower & have the following plan;

Phone mortgage co tomorrow & find out about taking it over on my own

Book solicitor apt for this week & get the ball rolling

I have already (previous to today) emailed myself copies of our financial info

OP posts:
Nomama · 25/08/2014 11:09

Did you tell anyone in RL about his having grabbed you by the throat, pictures of any bruising etc?

Sorry, but you will have to be quite proactive, getting all your ducks in aline etc.

Good luck.

1Cheesedoff · 25/08/2014 11:15

you don't deserve to be treated like that, what an arsehole. Good luck.... your future will be so much brighter without him. x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/08/2014 11:16

I'm sorry I missed the part about the physical assault. You should call the police - no question - and have him removed from the house. You are in serious and immediate danger.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/08/2014 11:21

Please don't let visitors come and pretend all is well. DH was spoiling for a fight and after beginning with a tongue lashing lost his temper to the point that he manhandled you in front of your DCs. Definitely get photos of any marks and do log this with the police. Suppose he'd squeezed harder?

If it is at all possible I would leave, not just for the day. You must put your safety first.

dear1darling · 25/08/2014 11:23

I am very sorry you have to experience such horrible emotional and physical abuse.
But honestly, he does carry on with it because you let him.
I can imagine that you are feeling threatened under your own roof.
This is not life. Think of yourself, think of your children. What do they learn from it?
I know it is easy to say so, but you are the only one in charge to make a decision to move yourself away from this sick situation.
I do not now if you live in rented/own house but if I were you, I'd find a temporary accommodation and started looking for a new house/flat for myself. just to have peace and safe environment and decide what is next. No matter what expenses would be involved. Maybe ask for help from council to hep you to find a house. Or, if you do not want/can't move out I'd get the police involved and seek help outside, even just go to CAB to learn what your options are.
He need to know that you have support and he cannot carry on.

iloverunning36 · 25/08/2014 11:24

Mortgages take a while to sort out. First priority is to get him out of the house. I agree with cog phone the police. This way his violence will also be recorded.

LineRunner · 25/08/2014 11:25

He assaulted you.

Call the Police. They will require him to leave.

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 11:43

I'm out with DCs now

OP posts:
LineRunner · 25/08/2014 12:24

Be careful, please. Will you tell the Police what happened?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 13:59

I'll log everything & get advice

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 14:01

Hard to post as barely any signal but thanks.

I know I need to leave. I'm with family today - and the DC are with me.

Several family members are police & I know I'll have their full support for anything I do

OP posts:
Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 14:01

Hard to post as barely any signal but thanks.

I know I need to leave. I'm with family today - and the DC are with me.

Several family members are police & I know I'll have their full support for anything I do

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 25/08/2014 14:11

Please tell your family what is happening. Get him out of your house.

SunnySon · 25/08/2014 14:33

Is it family members visiting? If you told them what he had done would it get him to leave?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 25/08/2014 14:35

OMG you can't spend another second living with him. You just can't. Your life is in danger.

Did he do all that in front of the children? Did he make the comment about the BJ in front of them too?

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 15:08

None of it in front of DC thank god.

I've no marks or bruises

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/08/2014 15:31

You think the kids don't know what's going on? Put them first and please leave

Original poster
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/08/2014 16:07

They know. I'm not that stupid.

I also know that I have to leave.

I'm trying to get my head around putting a plan together & not disrupting their tiny lives anymore than needs be.

I know that we'll all be happier apart but I need to do that in the best way possible

OP posts:
Notexactlymarthastewart · 25/08/2014 16:33

OP, what will you do if you get home and he is still there? You have said the chances of him going are virtually nil.

In your shoes, I would phone the police and have him removed if that happens. Did you see the paper today? A women died in hospital having been taken away by ambulance last week after her husband tried to strangle her. She had two small children.

Please keep yourself and your DCs safe and do not spend another minute under the same roof with him.

SwiftRelease · 25/08/2014 22:50

You sound like you're in shock. This is no relationship breakdown diary entry, but domestic violence , he attacked you! Please go somewhere safe!