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Original poster

Bank holiday Monday...he is still in bed snoring!

42 replies

goldsilver · 25/08/2014 10:02

Excuse this vent! Do you ever get cheesed off with life/men?
So OH snores a lot (been on another thread discussing this and looking at moulded ear plugs as a result but haven't got em yet) and he slept on the camp bed thingy we have in the other room the other night that my daughter uses when she comes over to stay and I use when he snores. But he found it uncomfortable (even though my daughter and I have had no choice but to use it) and so has been tired as a result. I went to bed before him last night in an attempt to get some sleep before he got into bed and snored but...he got into bed and snored, woke me up, I ended up on spare bumpy bed, got up at half seven and he is still asleep, snoring, in the large comfortable bed! He gets up early to go to work during the week, and I get that, appreciate that... but I am fed up. It is raining, miserable day but sometimes I think that book 'women who love too much' applies to me.
I've told myself, if he doesn't wake up by himself by eleven, I am going to give myself an orgasm!! He will miss out, but tough titty!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/08/2014 10:04

Could you do separate bedrooms and get yourself a proper bed?

StickEmUpYourShnozz · 25/08/2014 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 10:11

Yep, sorry, bout last line, just trying to demonstrate that things shouldn't be this way really. There isn't room in the house for a proper bed. No he hasn't been to the doc about snoring, have asked him to, but he hasn't. Plus, he doesn't have the time to go. I know once he wakes up, he will feel guilty, try to make up for it and I have also been in so many abusive relationships. He is an amazing man compared to what I have known. And my heart reaches out to the women here still being abused. Sometimes I do wonder about what we put up with, and what we can do about it.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 25/08/2014 10:35

He really needs to see a Dr. If he's sleeping a lot (the fact you're annoyed he's still sleeping suggests he should be well rested by now) and snoring it may be something is happening (namely he is briefly stopping breathing) during his sleep. It will prevent him from waking and feeling refreshed from his sleep. You can't make him go though, he's being a bit of an arse if he point blank refuses. Does he know his snoring could be a symptom of something serious?

Dirtybadger · 25/08/2014 10:35

He really needs to see a Dr. If he's sleeping a lot (the fact you're annoyed he's still sleeping suggests he should be well rested by now) and snoring it may be something is happening (namely he is briefly stopping breathing) during his sleep. It will prevent him from waking and feeling refreshed from his sleep. You can't make him go though, he's being a bit of an arse if he point blank refuses. Does he know his snoring could be a symptom of something serious?

LongFingers · 25/08/2014 10:38

It sounds like neither of you want to resolve this, he won't go to the Dr you won't find a comfy alternative sleeping space in another room. Sofa bed/matress on the floor?

Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 10:45

During the week, he can survive on 5 hours of sleep a night and has lots of stamina...unlike me. This lack of sleep has made me very run down. When he relaxes like this, it is as if he just can't wake up! He has to have an alarm clock normally. But he has had plenty of sleep; over nine hours. And he is still asleep and snoring! I have tried telling him that it could be a symptom of something more serious but I'm not sure he believes that and thinks the doctor won't do anything anyway. But this does have a big effect on our relationship. Who wants to go to bed with someone they know is going to snore and either wake them up or stop them from going to sleep in the first place? He said he had difficulties like this with his ex wife; she snored. But he hardly complained and did nothing about it...just put up with it. I've been abused before and now it is like as if I'm with a snoring doormat!

OP posts:
Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 10:47

There isn't a comfy alternative as the house isn't big enough. There isn't room for a sofa bed and I can't help but ask, why should I have to sleep on a mattress on the floor?!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 25/08/2014 10:55

It's a bank holiday. It's miserable and raining.

We have a tiny house but bought a sofa that can turn into a double bed, and a day bed sofa that also turns into a double so that people can stay over. My OH was up at 6 this morning, went down and slept on the sofa for 3 hours.

If you can fit a mattress/camp bed on the floor then you can fit a sofa bed or day bed in. Make it so. And give him a break if he gets up early every other day.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 25/08/2014 10:56

I'd definitely invest in a decent put you up bed. My mum is married to a very loud snorer (Dad). I don't know how she does it, they've been married since university and are now in their seventies. I could hear him from the other end of the landing growing up.

Can't you go out and do something? Keep busy. It'll ease the resentment.

Nomama · 25/08/2014 11:04

Well, lots of us do until we can find a better solution.

DH had sleep apnea, had surgery and all sorts, but still snores like a raging demon. For years he slept in the bed and I slept in a 'nest' on the front room floor of a small 1 bedroom flat. The choice was made because of our work patterns. I had the bed whenever our shifts allowed, but usually he went to bed and got up first - e.g. 8pm and 4 am.

It may not work for you, you may not be able to put up with it but please don't go down the 'poor old put upon me' route, it will only sour you and make your life worse. He may have absolutely no control over it. Overweight, smoking, alcohol are usually factors, but not always. And I know, being sleep deprived makes it very difficult not absolutely hate the reason for it.

We have been together for 30 years and only shared a bed for about 3, I married him 5 years into our relationship, so separate/floor sleeping doesn't have to be a relationship killer.

But if you can't cope and he can't change....

Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 11:18

I don't think any snorer has any control over it, do they? But it is not the poor old put upon me route. I get up with him at half five in the week, he doesn't suffer because of this, I do from a health perspective. He won't go to bed early, I can't sleep in in the bed because he has to lie on the bed to do his hair, he won't go to the docs. When our dog was ill and I slept on the floor with him because he couldn't go upstairs due to a leg injury, my OH did it once and found it impossible. I admire you Nomama, but to be with someone for 30 years and only share a bed with them for 3, I think is quite sad really as that closeness and intimacy is important in a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you might just as well be flatmates! But as for not coping, hell, I've coped with a lot worse...just sometimes, is it so wrong to want a little better for ourselves?

OP posts:
Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 11:20

FunkyBoldRibena, OH already has a problem with the camp bed being in that room, using up space. He won't want a better bed there, and there is no money sadly for one, even if he did.

OP posts:
JamNan · 25/08/2014 11:21

Sleep apnoea and snoring are dangerous to health link here. Yours too if you don't get any sleep either.

Insist DH goes to his GP and request he is referred to a Sleep Clinic.

I had years of a snoring bed partner (even downstairs the house shook with the vibration of his snoring). It is exhausting but I expect you know that anyway.

We had ultimatum time. I had been close to leaving several times. I was tearful with exhaustion and made some really bad decisions through sleeplessness. I have even slept in the car to get away from the snoring.

My DH now has a C-PAP machine and we all sleep OK-ish. I try to plan nights and evenings when I can get some uninterrupted sleep and go to bed early. I also go and stay with friends to get some sleep.

DH was away last night and me and the cat slept so well. She is warm and purrs with such a joyous little sound.

Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 11:23

Thank you JamNan, will show him that link, and love your story of survival :-)

OP posts:
Nomama · 25/08/2014 11:26

But we haven't lost any of that closeness and intimacy, we just get a better night's sleep now! Definitely not just flatmates. But that you see it like that will make it more difficult for you to accept/arrange alternatives.

And I know exactly how you are feeling, so I know that once you have found a better solution (and he can stick his opinion of a camp bed by the way, that is YOUR choice to make) you will be able to see/feel the whole situation in a much better light. You ARE in a sleep deprived funk, you are angry for more than just his apparent inconsiderate behaviour, you are sleep deprived and feeling very sorry for yourself and extremely angry (possibly only in bursts).

His hair??? I have a weird mental image now... what about his hair!

Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 12:46

Yes, you are quite right, Nomama, it does come in bursts! And I don't like being like that :-( As I know it isn't his fault. I think he will see the doctor though. Yes, his hair...he has to lie on the bed to put it into a ponytail! ;-)

OP posts:
Original poster
goldsilver · 25/08/2014 12:47

Thank you Nomama, though, what you have said has been very helpful :-)

OP posts:
Nomama · 25/08/2014 13:02

Ponytail! Oh! Sorry, but I don't know whether to laugh or be further outraged for you Smile

I think I had to break down and cry before either of us worked out our fix. But it will get very much better once you have found a way to get better sleep. In fact the speed with which it gets better is startling. It made me quite embarrassed, to be honest. 3 years of crying, anger and frustration and, after just 2 nights in my nest, I was a fully functioning adult again!

Even now, 25 years later, we have no regrets. Well, maybe some holiday ones, when earplugs just aren't enough Smile

Original poster
goldsilver · 26/08/2014 07:02

Nomama, did you try those moulded ear plugs that are made up for you? Apparently, the foam has to be sprayed into your ear to make the perfect fit. They are expensive, but I wonder if they work. I suffer from anxiety too. Last night, for the first time in such a long time I had a panic attack and the effects of that lasted for more than two hours :-( Even then, despite immense fatigue, I couldn't sleep and he was snoring beside me. I had to go into the bumpy bed ;-) I can't hold down a job (or my sanity!) like this. Does it not affect your intimacy being in separate rooms from the point of view of beginning in separate rooms, not moving to a different room? I don't think my OH would be up for that, you see :-(

OP posts:
clickers123 · 26/08/2014 07:13

LTB just over the hair

Jinglebells99 · 26/08/2014 07:19

It is ridiculous that he has to lie in bed to put his hair in a ponytail. How does that work then?! He sounds selfish to me.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2014 07:46

Does it make the bed full of hair. Bleurgh

You can go to bed with him, hug lots, have sex and then go elsewhere? It shouldn't kill the intimacy but it'll stop you wanting to kill him from lack of sleep Grin

PrimalLass · 26/08/2014 08:12

You keep talking about how he 'won't agree' to things. What does he want you to do then? Keep suffering?

Why can't he stand in front of a mirror to put his 80s hair up?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/08/2014 08:14

Hi goldsilver

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I would really like to know because this man now seems to be simply the latest in a long line of abusive and or selfish entitled men you've shackled yourself to. He may not be in the same league of abusers as any of these previous men but he is selfish all the same.

You've put up with crap to date and have been in abusive relationships before now. I think your self esteem is through the floor as a result and feel anyway you deserve no better; this man is happy that he has you who he sees as a soft touch or sap to look after him. He seems completely selfish, he won't go to a GP so you end up putting up with this and your health is suffering as a result.

I think you should read "Women who love too much" because that could well help you going forward. As would be getting this man out of your life because he is sucking you dry.

No it is not wrong to want a better life for yourself but you have to be the one to make such a change. Things for you will not improve so long as this man is still around.