Bank holiday Monday...he is still in bed snoring!

[goldsilver]

Excuse this vent! Do you ever get cheesed off with life/men?
So OH snores a lot (been on another thread discussing this and looking at moulded ear plugs as a result but haven't got em yet) and he slept on the camp bed thingy we have in the other room the other night that my daughter uses when she comes over to stay and I use when he snores. But he found it uncomfortable (even though my daughter and I have had no choice but to use it) and so has been tired as a result. I went to bed before him last night in an attempt to get some sleep before he got into bed and snored but...he got into bed and snored, woke me up, I ended up on spare bumpy bed, got up at half seven and he is still asleep, snoring, in the large comfortable bed! He gets up early to go to work during the week, and I get that, appreciate that... but I am fed up. It is raining, miserable day but sometimes I think that book 'women who love too much' applies to me.
I've told myself, if he doesn't wake up by himself by eleven, I am going to give myself an orgasm!! He will miss out, but tough titty!

Cut his hair whilst he's sleeping. one problem solved

He has a serious problem that is having a dramatic effect on your relationship but he is not prepared to do anything at all (including getting you a decent bed or paying a simple visit to the doctors) to solve the problem.

He's selfish. No doubt about it. If I was doing something that was driving my husband to the brink, I'd do anything I could to stop it.

My DH has long hair and is perfectly capable of putting it into a ponytail in front of the mirror. Lying down would, to my mind, make it more difficult, so I'm afraid I'm inclined to view that as a bullshit excuse to keep the bed while you are relegated to the camp bed your H regards as so uncomfortable.

Do not stand for it.

Goldsilver I'd recommend these silicone earplugs. My BF snores on and off and the thought of him snoring at any time made it hard to relax and get to sleep. These have helped and I've not had a problem falling asleep since. Boots do their own make too but I've not tried them. I realise it's not actually dealing with the problem as such, but might give you some respite.

He has to lie on the bed, to put it in a high ponytail (to cover his bald area). It looks heaps better in a low ponytail which exposes his bald part but he is too self conscious. Thing is, it looks a little odd to be honest and even attracts ridicule but what can you say, really? So he can't stand in front of the mirror. I think a better bed is in order in other room but it is all such a pain! Thank you for your help though, girls.

Thanks LividofLondon, I tried them but they didn't work; he was louder! I am trying to find out about getting some moulded ear plugs where they spray the foam into your ears, been in contact with boots.

Its funny as I am reading 'Women who love too much' and much of it applies to me :-( He should go to the doctor, he should get a decent bed in the other room. And I am going to push for this.

You're going to or have been in contact with Boots?. Moulded ear plugs have to be fitted and measured for medically and he does not want to go to a GP.

Why are you bothering with him so?. This all makes you read like his mother. Does he actually ever make you feel needed or wanted?.

I did ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up, that thorny question certainly deserves your attention. Why are you with him at all?.

Hi AttilaTheMeerkat, yes, the moulded ear plugs will cost about £80 and will have to be moulded to fit. Other than this, and a few other problems (his family, and his has an OCD personality) he is a lovely man. I have been in abusive relationships. I was indeed brought up by a cold, unemotional mother with no unconditional love, so I do fit the women who loves too much. However, I am feisty and stand up for myself now, I have changed to how I used to be. I am strong but he is a man used to routines and his life. He doesn't know any different. His ex wife was with him for more than 20 years and she had OCD and thought it was all normal. She also snored. She didn't complain. She was a doormat, but I'm not. He is very loving and affectionate. He does put me first, he is very much a deep thinking, has confidence issues himself, very intelligent and compassionate. He is just stuck in his ways. He doesn't want things to be the way they were with his first wife but changes still have to be made though. But I am reading that book and I will try to be honest with myself because I know that true courage comes from facing the truth. Thank you Attila

In addition to the other advice here, and until,he will go to see a Dr about the snoring, could you invest a bit in a better, more comfortable camp bed? Or maybe a better mattress to put on the one you have? I know it doesn't solve anything, but at least you might get a bit more god quality sleep.

So twelve year old girls can put their hair into a ponytail without needing to lay horizontally on a bed to do so, yet somehow your husband - a fully fledged adult - is somehow incapable of doing that?

Send him a link to a fucking youtube tutorial, and tell him if he can't do his hair without disturbing you in bed then you are going to give him a buzzcut.

Jesus wept.

Am I reading this right? A grown man has to lie on a bed to put his hair in a ponytail at 5.00 am? Porquoi?

My 7 year old can put her hair up without lying on a bed. This is truly truly ridiculous. I don't actually believe it. I cannot imagine ever letting a man wake me up at 5: 30 every morning to put his hair up. It just wouldn't be allowed to happen.

If he's sleeping late today, it's because he isn't getting enough sleep during the rest of the week, and his body is catching up.

Ponytail? At 5.00am. Pah!

Just skimmed. But remembered when I was married and DC were small. Every week-end (Sat and Sun) I would take up a cup of tea/coffee at regular intervals, each time removing the cold previous cup. My DH would roll downstairs about 11 am, and make himself cooked breakfast. Thus guaramteeing our meals being out of synch with his, and making it even more difficult to go out as a family than it already was.

I believe this was passive-agressive behaviour, eventually I woke up and he is an Ex.

Another mattress to put on the one there could help. Thank you for that. The ponytail thing...hmmm...sigh...guess there are some bloody strange things we put up with but I actually think its because he has OCD a bit and he can't get it into his head that he does not need to lie on the bed! I think it is because he can't think another way to be honest. It is his way of covering his bald patch and I think he has tried several methods and this is the best he has come up with. A really high ponytail. Again, he has been doing it for so long, its a habit, like smoking! I can't even see him lying on the camp bed and doing it, but something has to change. He does have an OCD personality, no one folds clothes the way he does...he folds them like they do in Edinburgh Woollen Mill!

I think you should encourage him to cut his hair. Tell him you think shorter hair is really attractive, and that he would look really good with short hair.

Flatter his ego. Admire other (famous) men who have short hair and bald patches. Make him feel it's ok to embrace himself, warts and all.

So basically you need to use psychological tricks to get him to see things from your perspective. Even better if he comes up with the 'idea' himself after loads of hints.

I know that's a bit crap, and that you should be able to just tell him his hair looks crap, and you are sick of his snoring. But most people have a fairly fragile ego, and I've always found it easier to use flattery (or reverse psychology) to get my dh to do things my way. I see it as a win win situation.

And the snoring - have you tried recording him, and then playing it back to make your point? If he loves you, he should want to look after himself and you, to make both your lives easier.

Your mother certainly did you a lot of damage; damage that you carry forward to this day. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. She taught you a lot of damaging stuff which you simply have to unlearn through counselling and you've never broken free of that past. You've ended up with likely the same cold emotionless types like your mother. You won't get anywhere now with this man being around and he should leave. He may not be in the same league of abusers as the others but he is still cold and does not give a fig about you. He sounds to me like yet another version of your mother.

You may describe yourself as feisty and not a doormat (well to the outside world anyway) but behind closed doors he rules the roost completely. He views you with contempt, infact such types hate women - all of them. You are the epitome of the "Woman who loves too much" and I do not mean that at all unkindly.

I think you're still making excuses for him by calling him compassionate and intelligent. There is no evidence here of any compassion, only what he wants. I think he sees in you easy prey and were targeted, he saw you as vulnerable and has exploited that vulnerability to its full effect getting you to the low point you're at now. Its a series in a long line of low points starting with your mother's own emotional damage to you.

He won't change, only you can change how you react to him. Giving him the boot would be a good start but can you imagine life on your own at all?. Were you taught that you need a man to validate you?.

I think you should just tell him to stop doing his hair so that it wakes you up. Why waste your time with flattery? Any reasonable person wouldn't accept this. So I'm not sure why you are...