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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hiding in the bathroom

34 replies

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 10:50

I don't want to go downstairs, I had a 'lay in' to avoid him and I've been 'having a shower' for an hour now.

He'll be off to the pub in half an hour, again, and will be so pissed when he gets home he won't be able to do anything useful like string a coherent sentence together. He disgusts me. I hate what he's turned into but he seems almost proud of it like an act of defiance against all the naysayers 'look at me I'm running a house and able to drink gazza under the table' but he can't. I'm running the house and I'm exhausted.

I need to leave. I'm going to leave this week, he doesn't know it yet but I can't live like this anymore

OP posts:
Nomama · 24/08/2014 11:00

Stay calm. Stay focussed on when/how you will be leaving.

I hope you are hiding just to avoid having to look at him rather than out of fear.

Is there anything you can do in there, besides have another shower? I know my bathroom wouldn't keep me occupied for very long!

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:01

No I'm hiding because I can't stand to look at him

I'm mumsnetting and cleaning. This bathroom is gonna shine like it's never shined before

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/08/2014 11:02

Do you need immediate help, or practical advice on how to get out of this situation?

Good for you for deciding on ending what makes you miserable.

Nomama · 24/08/2014 11:04

Ah! His toothbrush could be useful for those hard to get to, filthy bits Smile

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:05

Thanks, no, just need someone to talk to while I avoid him. I know if I look at him, in the same clothes he wore yesterday, unshaven and smelling of last nights booze, I'll lamp him one.

This is a man of 33 who needs to be told to have a shower. Who needs to be reminded to shave. Who buys his clothes from m&s because that's where his mum has always bought them. Who buys his work boots from shoe zone then wonders why they break after 6 weeks. Who thinks nothing of drinking 3 pints then getting in his car and driving. Who doesn't do anything round the home without prompting

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 24/08/2014 11:07

But you must have loved him at some point. What changed ?

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:07

Sorry cut short because he banged on the door saying he was going out.

But yeah. I will make use of his toothbrush

He thinks nothing of letting his disabled wife who also works full time do all the housework and heavy DIY chores - and any I can't do he is happy for me to ask my 60 year old father to do them

OP posts:
Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:09

I did

His drinking got too much. His selfish behaviour got too much. His 'everything needs to be done my way' got too much. His lack of support and not wanting to do anything as a couple got too much. The lack of sex got too much.

I'm his wife not his carer.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 24/08/2014 11:09

Glad you're leaving, sounds like the only option now.

Hope you can get everything you need together to get out safely - do you have DC to worry about as well?

Nomama · 24/08/2014 11:12

Well, you sound as though the end of your tether is somewhere waaaaay behind you.

Are you all sorted for leaving... do you want to discuss the hows and whens? It might cheer you up a bit, give you something to hold on to.

CromerSutra · 24/08/2014 11:13

Sounds really grim and that you would be far happier out of there. Good luck op.

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:14

I don't know what day - all depends on when my mum can get the day off work. But I'll be going to stay with her and dad for a while although they live 30 miles from work and don't want me staying more than a couple of days

I have no idea what I'm going to do after that. I haven't enough saved up for a rental deposit let alone furnishing a new house as I sold all my stuff to move in with DH

OP posts:
Lucked · 24/08/2014 11:20

Eek do you have a car? How about being a lodger? I have no idea where people advertise though.

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:26

Yeah I have a car it's just part of my disability is chronic exhaustion so putting 60 miles on my commute is going to kill me. I'll have to ask work if I can adjust my hours so I can get in late and work late to avoid rush hour

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 24/08/2014 11:34

Well done, OP. Life's to short for that crap. But it'll surely take more than a couple of days to find a place to live. Can you get a loan to cover deposit/rent? Why can't you spend longer at your parents?

Original poster
Morethanalittlebitconfused · 24/08/2014 11:38

I'm going to look at other ways of getting the money together, my sister has offered in the past so I'm hoping she'll still be able to help.

My parents like to look like they're helping but they're very stuck in their ways, like that none of us live at home any more and like their own space which is understandable

They put a time limit on it so it doesn't roll on indefinitely I may be able to sort some wiggle room out when they see how long it could talk to find a place to live

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/08/2014 11:52

Speak to your sister right away. Like right now as he's left the house.

I'm sure you'll be able to find somewhere as someone's lodger. You might even be able to get some contacts via your work.

Even if your parents are completely unsympathetic I doubt they would want you out on the streets.

Use the time between now and when you leave to sort out some practical aspects. Like taking meter-readings so you can get bills transferred into your husband's name if necessary. Setting up mail redirection so all your important correspondence follows you. Putting aside (and taking to work for safe-keeping) all important paper-work like marriage cert, tax-documents, anything you will need and which you may not have access to once you've left.

Thumbwitch · 24/08/2014 16:27

People advertise for lodgers in the local papers - well I did, anyway. There are also online websites for finding lodgers/lodgings. But look in the classified section of your local freebie (or paid-for) newspaper.

I agree with Bitter too - make the most of your time to get everything you are likely to need together, including all that paperwork/information.

Thumbwitch · 24/08/2014 16:28

Here's one website for lodgers, I have no idea how good/safe/ etc. it is but there will be others too.

MilliCariad · 24/08/2014 16:50

I think you could do with finding some other accommodation rather than your parents house, if as you say, they only want you to stay 3 days. That's a bit stressful in itself as what will you do when 3 days are up. Why don't you sort out a house or flat now and then you will have a plan.

Castlemilk · 24/08/2014 16:57

Yes, start looking for lodgings now.

But what is the situation with the house? Are you married? Do you own it?

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 24/08/2014 20:09

I can't believe the comments about his toothbrush. Yeah, that's a solution! Hmm

DistanceCall · 24/08/2014 22:11

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep, ever heard of sarcasm?

JustDontWantToSay · 25/08/2014 02:05

My child - is that the best thing you can think of to say right now??

Nomama · 25/08/2014 10:05

MyChild as it was me who first suggested it... it was intended to give Morethan a bit of a giggle, a moment of relief, to lighten what could have been a very scary moment for her. She had said she was cleaning as an escape... and that is how she took it, if you RTFT!

Morethan how are you today?