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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going to be a Bitch

97 replies

BrowserBlues · 24/08/2014 00:19

I am in my early 40's and following a spell of being single for 8 years bringing up DC I went out with someone for a year and a half. During this time we definitely had a lot of good times but they were tainted by the fact that about 3 times after we had a row he went on a bender. He didn't contact me for a week while he licked his wounds. The second time he did it I told him if he ever did it again that I would end the relationship.

He is doing this right now. He rang me and told me I was a bitch and drunkenly spelled out all my faults and hung up. I have no doubt that it is over. I will definitely miss the company as when things were good they were really good fun. I liked his family and friends and he liked mine.

He will ring me on Monday or Tuesday and apologise. I am going to accept his apology and get back with him. I am going to spend the next two weeks getting him to fix some jobs he started in my house and then I am going to tell him that its over. I won't be sleeping with him during the 2 weeks.

I have done an awful lot for him regarding admin for his business and set up some contacts through friends. The reason we argued was because he let down one of the contacts I set up. I was pissed off because I assured them that he was reliable.

I am just posting to tell someone so that I can get if off my chest. I have had a fair bit of crap doled out to me from my EXH and now him. I have always ended up the worst off financially. I am broke and cannot afford to get the jobs he started finished. Once the jobs are done I will pack up everything he owns for collection.

OP posts:

TapWellies · 25/08/2014 14:04

Sometimes doing the wrong thing is quite appealing, he obviously behaves badly when it suits him.
Take care OP.

HighlighterPencil · 25/08/2014 19:56

I very much like the idea of what you're planning to do OP.

I wish I could have had a few weeks of thinking/planning time before my last two relationships ended to get jobs done and finances sorted more in my favour.

eddielizzard · 25/08/2014 20:55

not something i'd do, but i can see why you want to. i do think he'll smell a rat if you accept his apology too easily though...

Vivacia · 25/08/2014 20:57

I hope I would never behave like this.

sandysbrain · 26/08/2014 00:25

Let's be clear here - the OP stated that he has behaved in this appalling manner before and had been warned that it would be the end of the relationship if he did it a second time. So, frankly, he is lucky to have got away with it then.

The OP is taking control of the situation in a way that I find admirable. When I see the tales of woe on MN with women cheated on, lied to and otherwise treated badly by men, it's heartening to see a dickhead his comeuppance for once. Perhaps he will learn a lesson from this and not behave like an entitled child with his next partner.

But I wouldn't bet on it.

Keep us informed as to how it's going BrowsersBlues

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 26/08/2014 01:24

i cant quite believe how many people are ok with this.
turn the tables for just a moment....say a man posted this saying he wanted to host a dinner party but didnt quite have the skills, so instead of finishing a relationship he decided to wait and make use of his partner until she was of no use any more THEN dump her....

i can only imagine the chorus of "oh was an absolute cunt"......

which seems to be what im thinking about this op tbh. using someone like this is pathetic, are you happy to prostitute yourself OP to get some diy done?

you dont sound early 40s. you sound like a silly ditzy young girl who thinks if she bats her eyelashes men will just fall over themselves to do stuff for her....
you deserve this relationship. you dont meet nice people by being a total self confessed "bitch" as you put it. so crack on. you deserve what you get.

Eekaman · 26/08/2014 02:12

So.... OP was 'pissed off' cos a job she'd tee'd up went wrong and a row ensued. I'm taking a wild stab in the dark here, but OP's darling partner didn't start that row did he?

And now OP wants him back for a short while, but only in a partial relationship, to finish some jobs before she flicks him.

Well yes, I agree with the thread title, OP is being a bitch. But if you can live you life being like this OP, good luck, I definitely couldn't live like this.

And wait for karma to come and kick you; hopefully it'll be pretty hard for scheming to use another human being as an unpaid slave. Life isn't supposed to be like this.

OP, why not behave with some dignity eh?

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2014 02:22

Why isn't he allowed to go on a bender unless you two fall out?

ShadyMyLady · 26/08/2014 08:20

Very vindictive op, two wrongs don't make a right.

Why lower yourself to this level? Leave the guy alone and have some dignity.

CocoM · 26/08/2014 08:25

Maybe he drunkingly spelt out all your faults because he is fed up of you really. People tend to say what they mean when they are drunk. From your story he really doesn't sound that bad. Is he not allowed to go out and get drunk. It sounds like he doesn't live with you. Im sure he has his faults too, we all do but to do this does make you a bitch but then I have a feeling you already are otherwise you wouldn't plan this in the first place.

Turningscrews · 26/08/2014 11:38

Fair play OP - why should you be left at a distinct disadvantage because of his poor behaviour. He is only completing tasks already started, hardly the most dastardly plan I have heard of!!!

PlantsAndFlowers · 26/08/2014 13:50

I know, everyone's acting like the OP's planning on stealing a kidney!

CocoM · 26/08/2014 13:53

Like another poster said, if this was a man saying he was going to do this to a woman, would we be hearing a whole load of different comments.
Probably.

Finney2 · 26/08/2014 14:00

I'd like to tell you not to do it but, fuck it, it sounds like he deserves it. People do worse things in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown. Hope it works out for you OP.

Vivacia · 26/08/2014 14:05

There's nothing wrong with wanting him to finish what he's started. However it's immoral to expect this from him under the pretence that you're in a relationship with him. Also, I know you claim you won't have sex with him, but I do think you're prostituting a part of yourself. It cheapens the concept of a human relationship. Makes me wonder how you were raised to think that this is an acceptable way to behave.

Turningscrews · 26/08/2014 14:28

Lots of people continue relationships until the time is right to break up, until they can get their finances straight, sort out the logistics etc. The OP has stated that the unfinished jobs would create real difficulties so she is simply timing the break up so that it doesn't have too much of a negative impact. She is not asking her OH to do anything that he wouldn't have done if the relationship continued - hardly as if she is clearing out the joint account!! I find it a bit hysterical to liken her plans to prostitution, which is (in most instances) involves very vulnerable women selling their bodies to men who have considerably more power within that transaction.

Acclimating · 26/08/2014 16:00

I disagree, Turning. This situation isn't a conditional with multiple factors in play, it's a plan the OP intends to execute. She didn't pose the situation as "I am deferring the breakup/decision until X, Y and Z have resolved themselves" (with one of those variables being the DIY.)

She's clear. Decision made. The relationship is done from her perspective. But she's going to lie to her OH until she gets what she feels she is due from him to be (more) "even" in her mind. And, have to say, that feels immature to me, with a whiff of the vindictive.

Perhaps the OP might want to honestly ask herself: are the DIY jobs themselves actually what's at issue here? Or is this about exacting something from her soon-to-be-ex because of how she feels disappointed/unequally supported by him during their relationship?

Jessbun16 · 28/08/2014 21:26

My goodness OP, I can't believe all the holier than thou replies you've received! Surely most people fantasise about being able to do stuff like this from time to time when they're pissed off?

Some posters also seem to be blind to the fact that it's his bad behaviour that has made you feel like you want to end the relationship in the first place?!

Hope he gets all his jobs finished before you send him packing!

BrowersBlues · 29/08/2014 23:10

Apols for not updating before now. Spent the last week dealing with my teenage DS who has managed to get himself into serious trouble. Still hair-raising. Fairly took the focus off my DIY problems.

EXP apologised and we had talk about relationship. We agree that there is no future and he started doing the work. He doesn't live with me by the way. I am not sure how it would have panned out if we all hadn't been distracted by a whole new set of serious problems. I still believe that if I had to I would have got the work done by lying that I was committed to the relationship. I wouldn't have felt bad as I didn't start the row that led to him doing a disappearing act and I honestly believe I was a decent partner.

Thanks for taking the time to post. The comments were really interesting!

MrsWinnibago · 29/08/2014 23:17

Well that's not all bad is it? I thought he might do it anyway...I'm sorry your DS is in trouble though...

BrowersBlues · 29/08/2014 23:23

Mrs W thanks for kind thoughts.

lauranorder50 · 30/08/2014 04:47

What a fantastic thread. Incredible !

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