I'm in great pain. Will it get better

[Anotherabusedwife]

New to the Forum so please bear with me and I hope this original post doesn't ramble on too long. So... married four months but together coming up two years this Autumn. He's emotionally abusive and it started 10 days after he moved in. I guess I let it go because surely I am STUPID.

Regular verbal abuse but still I married him. I issued an ultimatum before we got married that he needed to get help but he didn't. And yet I married him. I have issued another one just four weeks ago and now he is having counselling - but I fear it's the "wrong sort", if you see what I mean as the abuse last night/this morning.

I committed the unforgivable (apparently) sin of drawing attention to him insulting me that morning, which led to him:

Calling me a f c (3 or 4 times)

Telling me he hates me

Telling me I'm a f* bitch etc etc

Blaming me for everything

Telling me I have REAL issues

Launching a cushion into my face with full force twice (sounds ridiculous but it was very humiliating)

Taking off his wedding ring and smashing it so that it is now warped and totally unwearable. It's ruined...the ring I gave him on our wedding day.

Telling me I sounded like a "nutter" when I couldn't stop sobbing.

Telling me our marriage was over again and again and again. Or rather, shouting it.

Goading me to call the Police

So...the next day (today) I did. I reported a domestic violence incident on the 101 number but unknown to me, it led to three police officers turning up at our door because he is/was still there - in the marital home, that is.

On their supervision/advice (I think) he has packed a bag and left. He didn't say goodbye. They almost marched him out of our flat and kept us apart. He said that there would be "no reconciliation". I don't know where he is.

I'm so very sad.

How do you lovely ladies deal with hideous situations like this? I sure as hell don't deserve this and I didn't cause it. His mangled wedding ring is lying on the table in front of me. Sorry this is so long.

[Anotherabusedwife]

You know what he DOES believe he has a problem, he really does. Alarm bells started to ring, though, when he told me that he could get things off his chest during his sessions.

Treatment for emotional abuse surely doesn't involve getting things off your chest, it's supposed to be focusing on the here and now and learning how to be a better man - isn't it?

[Anotherabusedwife]

Just remembered: at one stage during the abuse he claimed that I was "loving all this" and he even told me that I was abusing him.

[BeCool]

OP all your posts are about him.
What's going on with you?

[Anotherabusedwife]

I'm n a bad way, to be honest. I'm up, showered, dressed but there's a terrible tight feeling of grief in my chest. I feel anxious and feel that I need to cry. For some reason I also feel scared.

[BeCool]

Is there a friend in RL you can see today and talk?
What are you scared of?

[BeCool]

Grieving is normal and necessary. Have a good cry. It ok to have a big cry.

Keep talking here.

[Anotherabusedwife]

I'm scared of going through this terrible grieving process as I DO love him, I really do. I'm also scared of telling people as I find it all really humiliating. I do have people I can share this with but I'm simply not ready yet.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You may not be ready to tell others but, unfortunately, keeping something like this a secret is very stressful and isolating. You may feel humiliated but I'm sure others would be very compassionate. Is there any sense that you're holding off telling others because you still think you can get back together?

[Only1scoop]

Op it's so hard ....I didn't tell anyone although friends and family said I'd become a little withdrawn.

I think I held off telling anyone as I hoped his counselling would work and things could be good again. I walked on eggshells for about 6 months.

Confide if you can in a best friend or someone you can trust.

[Anotherabusedwife]

A vote here for Women's Aid - or should I say, another one, as it's highly regarded on this Forum. I spoke to a lovely lady who confirmed that it was domestic abuse (funny how we downplay these things, even if we know what's wrong) and who gave me some good advice.

On another note, I did try calling him but I think he's blocked my number as there's a constant engaged tone.

I feel that he is angry with me for reporting him to the Police. He's angry with the wrong person.

[Annarose2014]

Why call him? Even if you had gotten through he'd just have made you cry. You know his script - its to blame you afterwards. Why give him the opportunity to repeat it?

Please go no contact. You should not be chasing down his attention at this point. You are the victim.

[Only1scoop]

Try to resist calling him. It's not a good idea.

[Anotherabusedwife]

Yes, OK. I hear you. Women's Aid inferred that the radio silence is just another abuse tactic.

[JustDontWantToSay]

Well done xxxx You have absolutely done the right thing - and probably best that it was accidental because you didn't have any time to ponder.

I've been in exactly your situation and you become so dependent on them that it's virtually impossible to leave. I stayed for 18m and subjected myself to some frankly horrific behaviour. We split 4/5 weeks ago and gradually I'm getting better.
He had a habit if throwing me out in the middle of the night after some perceived misdemeanour when I had nowhere else to go and the best piece of advice I received was "You may miss him - but at least you'll never be in the position of being stranded on the streets at midnight ever again." That really, really helped.

You WILL feel better and be happier than you can imagine now. And it will be sooner than you think. One hour at a time and if you can't manage that, one minute. Xxx

[dadwood]

You have done the right thing, this man sounds irredeemable and your situation would only have got worse. Don't mourn the sunk costs, you are avoiding a horrible life with him.

[Frogisatwat]

He is highly likely to come back though. He may even say sorry this time. What will you do if that happens?

[Olddear]

I would go out, treat myself to a delicious coffee, take his mangled wedding ring and throw it away as far as I could!! Rid yourself of this man! He is a millstone round your neck. You deserve better .....don't you?

[MrsIgglePiggle]

The worst part of abuse, especially the abuse you experience from "loved ones", is how it "INSTANTLY" lowers your self esteem.

This is such an unfair reaction from our psyches.

When I told my therapist how my ex ran at a step ladder I was standing on, literally barging at it with such force I flew 12 feet through the air, she said if a visiting electrician or plumber had done that I would have called the police immediately and waited with eager anticipation his prison sentence.

But no...your psyche unfortunately is not on your side when you're abused by someone close to you.

You need professional help immediately to ensure this woman hating abuser does not re-enter your life.

From the sound of your posts, you're experiencing the classic victims response...feeling sorry for him and trying to understand him.

Trust me on this one; HE IS NEVER GOING TO TRULY CHANGE.

Please find yourself a good psychotherapist this week, and phone them for an appointment Friday at the latest.