I'm in great pain. Will it get better

[Anotherabusedwife]

New to the Forum so please bear with me and I hope this original post doesn't ramble on too long. So... married four months but together coming up two years this Autumn. He's emotionally abusive and it started 10 days after he moved in. I guess I let it go because surely I am STUPID.

Regular verbal abuse but still I married him. I issued an ultimatum before we got married that he needed to get help but he didn't. And yet I married him. I have issued another one just four weeks ago and now he is having counselling - but I fear it's the "wrong sort", if you see what I mean as the abuse last night/this morning.

I committed the unforgivable (apparently) sin of drawing attention to him insulting me that morning, which led to him:

Calling me a f c (3 or 4 times)

Telling me he hates me

Telling me I'm a f* bitch etc etc

Blaming me for everything

Telling me I have REAL issues

Launching a cushion into my face with full force twice (sounds ridiculous but it was very humiliating)

Taking off his wedding ring and smashing it so that it is now warped and totally unwearable. It's ruined...the ring I gave him on our wedding day.

Telling me I sounded like a "nutter" when I couldn't stop sobbing.

Telling me our marriage was over again and again and again. Or rather, shouting it.

Goading me to call the Police

So...the next day (today) I did. I reported a domestic violence incident on the 101 number but unknown to me, it led to three police officers turning up at our door because he is/was still there - in the marital home, that is.

On their supervision/advice (I think) he has packed a bag and left. He didn't say goodbye. They almost marched him out of our flat and kept us apart. He said that there would be "no reconciliation". I don't know where he is.

I'm so very sad.

How do you lovely ladies deal with hideous situations like this? I sure as hell don't deserve this and I didn't cause it. His mangled wedding ring is lying on the table in front of me. Sorry this is so long.

[MrsIgglePiggle]

The worst part of abuse, especially the abuse you experience from "loved ones", is how it "INSTANTLY" lowers your self esteem.

This is such an unfair reaction from our psyches.

When I told my therapist how my ex ran at a step ladder I was standing on, literally barging at it with such force I flew 12 feet through the air, she said if a visiting electrician or plumber had done that I would have called the police immediately and waited with eager anticipation his prison sentence.

But no...your psyche unfortunately is not on your side when you're abused by someone close to you.

You need professional help immediately to ensure this woman hating abuser does not re-enter your life.

From the sound of your posts, you're experiencing the classic victims response...feeling sorry for him and trying to understand him.

Trust me on this one; HE IS NEVER GOING TO TRULY CHANGE.

Please find yourself a good psychotherapist this week, and phone them for an appointment Friday at the latest.

[Olddear]

I would go out, treat myself to a delicious coffee, take his mangled wedding ring and throw it away as far as I could!! Rid yourself of this man! He is a millstone round your neck. You deserve better .....don't you?

[Frogisatwat]

He is highly likely to come back though. He may even say sorry this time. What will you do if that happens?

[dadwood]

You have done the right thing, this man sounds irredeemable and your situation would only have got worse. Don't mourn the sunk costs, you are avoiding a horrible life with him.

[JustDontWantToSay]

Well done xxxx You have absolutely done the right thing - and probably best that it was accidental because you didn't have any time to ponder.

I've been in exactly your situation and you become so dependent on them that it's virtually impossible to leave. I stayed for 18m and subjected myself to some frankly horrific behaviour. We split 4/5 weeks ago and gradually I'm getting better.
He had a habit if throwing me out in the middle of the night after some perceived misdemeanour when I had nowhere else to go and the best piece of advice I received was "You may miss him - but at least you'll never be in the position of being stranded on the streets at midnight ever again." That really, really helped.

You WILL feel better and be happier than you can imagine now. And it will be sooner than you think. One hour at a time and if you can't manage that, one minute. Xxx

[Anotherabusedwife]

Yes, OK. I hear you. Women's Aid inferred that the radio silence is just another abuse tactic.

[Only1scoop]

Try to resist calling him. It's not a good idea.

[Annarose2014]

Why call him? Even if you had gotten through he'd just have made you cry. You know his script - its to blame you afterwards. Why give him the opportunity to repeat it?

Please go no contact. You should not be chasing down his attention at this point. You are the victim.

[Anotherabusedwife]

A vote here for Women's Aid - or should I say, another one, as it's highly regarded on this Forum. I spoke to a lovely lady who confirmed that it was domestic abuse (funny how we downplay these things, even if we know what's wrong) and who gave me some good advice.

On another note, I did try calling him but I think he's blocked my number as there's a constant engaged tone.

I feel that he is angry with me for reporting him to the Police. He's angry with the wrong person.

[Only1scoop]

Op it's so hard ....I didn't tell anyone although friends and family said I'd become a little withdrawn.

I think I held off telling anyone as I hoped his counselling would work and things could be good again. I walked on eggshells for about 6 months.

Confide if you can in a best friend or someone you can trust.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You may not be ready to tell others but, unfortunately, keeping something like this a secret is very stressful and isolating. You may feel humiliated but I'm sure others would be very compassionate. Is there any sense that you're holding off telling others because you still think you can get back together?

[Anotherabusedwife]

I'm scared of going through this terrible grieving process as I DO love him, I really do. I'm also scared of telling people as I find it all really humiliating. I do have people I can share this with but I'm simply not ready yet.

[BeCool]

Grieving is normal and necessary. Have a good cry. It ok to have a big cry.

Keep talking here.

[BeCool]

Is there a friend in RL you can see today and talk?
What are you scared of?

[Anotherabusedwife]

I'm n a bad way, to be honest. I'm up, showered, dressed but there's a terrible tight feeling of grief in my chest. I feel anxious and feel that I need to cry. For some reason I also feel scared.

[BeCool]

OP all your posts are about him.
What's going on with you?

[Anotherabusedwife]

Just remembered: at one stage during the abuse he claimed that I was "loving all this" and he even told me that I was abusing him.

[Anotherabusedwife]

You know what he DOES believe he has a problem, he really does. Alarm bells started to ring, though, when he told me that he could get things off his chest during his sessions.

Treatment for emotional abuse surely doesn't involve getting things off your chest, it's supposed to be focusing on the here and now and learning how to be a better man - isn't it?

[Only1scoop]

Please don't tie yourself in knots worrying about whether he is getting the right treatment ....counselling etc.

I don't think well he's still being abusive so he must need a different type of therapy is necessarily a good path to take.

Think about yourself and your own plans etc.

Thinking of you

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agreeing to counselling and even sitting in the sessions means nothing if the person themselves is doing it for cynical reasons or is failing to engage. Like an alcoholic entering rehab but putting a few bottles away for when they get back... Saying he has a problem doesn't mean he believes it.

[Anotherabusedwife]

Only1scoop I'm so sad to read of your experience.

Thanks for the lovely replies and the good advice, ladies. He IS having counselling as he knows he has a problem but even though it's only four weeks or so, Thursday night proved that, in my opinion, it's the wrong sort.

[BeCool]

The wedding ring means different things to you both.

To him it is a weapon in his arsenal against you.

[BeCool]

You deal with it by letting him take responsibility for his actions, his life and his mess. Himself.

You married an utter cunt who pretty much hated you. Sounds like he might hate women in general. Many fantastic people have done this.

You deal with it by taking responsibility for your part in this by allowing you to focus on yourself (not on him). Figure out why you ignored all the red flags etc so you don't repeat the mistakes next time.

Detachment is a powerful state to me in. You can deal with this by working towards detachment. When you find yourself wasting time trying to figure out why he did this, stop yourself and think of what you can do for yourself instead.

for you. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on this nasty man.

[Only1scoop]

This happened to me....

He threw a book at my head. Used to say all those awful things to me literally word for word what you have written.

I called the police and we spent 3 months apart.

We got back together. He broke my jaw.

I'm still shocked this ever happened to me and it was almost 15 years ago.

Please never let this man back in your life....the cracks appear because....it's hard for them to keep up their 'nice act' to win you over....Get you back etc. More resentment then grows in them for 'having to try'

Be kind to yourself ....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"What do you do with someone who's so deeply in denial about their behaviour?"

You can do nothing whatsoever to change someone else's behaviour, especially if they believe they are right and it's everyone else with a problem. It is a complete waste of your time and utterly pointless. If taken to the wire and adequately motivated (such as looking good in front of others), a bully will often apologise or promise to change. But it's a pie-crust promise... easily made and easily broken.

You can only make decisions for yourself, have the courage of your convictions and refuse to tolerate ill-treatment... which you've sensibly done. Hope today is a better day.