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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what this means

57 replies

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 15:47

I've name changed.

I have been looking through mine and DH's financial stuff today to try and make some savings so I've been on internet banking, telephone bills etc. for both of us. While I was on his telephone bill, I noticed that he texts the same number a LOT each month. I have no idea who he could be texting that much. I suppose it could be someone from work who he needs to speak to regularly but surely he could just phone her office through the day to speak to her? I've stupidly rang the number withholding my own and it's definately a woman. I didn't say anything in case I'm jumping to God knows what conclusions.

I probably won't see DH until late tonight to ask him and can't speak to him at the minute but it just doesn't make sense. Any way I can find out who it is without me having to speak to them in case they recognise my voice? Argh this all sounds stupid.

OP posts:

Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 16:18

I don't know if he knows I have access to his phone bills but he uses the same few passwords for everything so it wasn't hard to get on to see how much he was paying.

OP posts:

anniepanniepears · 22/08/2014 16:19

put the number into google and it will tell you who's number it is

RedRoom · 22/08/2014 16:20

Ok, just seen that there is a password. In that case, yes, you'll need to ask him and be there as he opens it so that he can show you that he isn't deleting anything. If he has nothing to hide, he'll understand why you are asking. 500 texts to a woman is a lot!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/08/2014 16:20

And posters frequently say, oh he couldn't be up to anything, where would he find the time? Sadly where there's a will, there's often a way.

Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 16:21

I need to know who this person is then I'll have more information so I'm going to have to ask him about it. There is literally nothing else I can do unless I want to drag it out for weeks.

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3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 22/08/2014 16:21

I think you need to ask him op

And you don't just need his reasoning you need to see proof

BeCool · 22/08/2014 16:22

how far back did you look at the bills? has the texting been going on for a long time. Can you see a starting point?

I agree it does sound suspicious and I'd try and get hold of his phone, though of course he could be deleting as he does.

If you were looking at the bills online can you take screen prints/copies of them in case he changes his password after you confront him?

Sorry you are going through this OP.

lunar1 · 22/08/2014 16:28

That is a lot if texts, I know this is against advice on here but I'd be snooping. As soon as you confront him he will have his guard up.

Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 16:30

24 texts to this number in August 2013. That's as far back as it goes. 166 in September 2013. I'm printing them now.

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Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 16:45

Just phoned his work and he's there now. I need to go to the shop now so I'll come back later.

Thanks for all of your help.

OP posts:

dirtyalert · 22/08/2014 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badbaldingballerina123 · 22/08/2014 17:01

If you can't get in his phone I think you need to pick your time and have a plan and follow it through. I'd calmly state that I'm aware of the texts and I want to see his phone right now. I would make it clear I'm not up for playing games with deleted texts and that anything other than total transparency is going to result in me rethinking the marriage. Say it and mean it. It's my experience you only really get one chance to confront this sort of thing.

Any games about deleting texts and refusing to hand the phone over would have me telling him to leave. Anything other than a confident confrontation with clear consequences for lying and evading will leave you in a very weak position and this nonsense could play out for months.

UrsulaBuffay · 22/08/2014 17:09

Have you tried putting the number into google? Or just ringing it from a blocked number?

Vivacia · 22/08/2014 17:13

Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 17:20

Thanks for your honesty dirty, helpful to know.

I have tried google and I have phoned the number so know its a woman.

I won't see him until about 9.

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Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 17:25

Ok I know who it is, it is his direct boss at work.

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GreatSoprendo · 22/08/2014 17:30

If it's is boss, could it be completely innocent? My boss and I are in touch by text a lot as we often don't see each other and travel a lot.
Although if he has to have that much contact with his boss you'd expect it to be on a work mobile phone. All my texts to my boss are on my work phone, not my personal one.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2014 17:31

Oh god that knot of dread in your stomach...I remember it so well.

I hope you can find some answers

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2014 17:32

I also text some clients a lot - often out of work hours...it could be OK

UrsulaBuffay · 22/08/2014 17:34

Sorry I hadn't read that far! Sorry you're going through this

badbaldingballerina123 · 22/08/2014 17:34

Why doesn't she like you , what's the background ? And do they work in the same office / building ? I can't see why there would need to be any contact during lunch.

Rebecca2014 · 22/08/2014 17:39

I was in the same situation nearly 2 years ago. There were 500 texts between them too but no phone calls. He had also put her name under someone else and told me she was a man but I called the number and knew that was a lie.

Anyway he told me it was just an old friend and they never met up...I will never know what really happened but their contact only went on for a month and then it stopped but only because I found out!!

I just saw you cant look through his phone...well you will just have to confront him but your never going get the real truth out of him.

Actually I have split from my husband recently and just remembering this is really pissing me off! he's such a liar.

Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 17:39

On my phone now so sorry for mistakes. I don't kniw why she doesn't like me, she never has. Completely ignores me most of the time. DH says shes just moody. Timing matches to them starting somethig together through work, like a new project (trying not to out myself) which he has recently been running himself. She's not happy with this and feels left out because she's working in a different department at the minute.

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Original poster

stupidreally · 22/08/2014 17:41

It could be innocent but it is still a lot. I've always felt like, I don't know, she's demanding of him at work and makes him meet her after work some times for a catch up about work which I always know about.

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CharlieSaysAlwaysTellYourMummy · 22/08/2014 17:54

this could be innocent - like she has asked to be constantly updated on something. those kind of texts could add up. e.g.: from early morning "I am on my way in" "yes I checked the sos and so" "is Frank in today" etc etc
a barrage of work related extra bits.

You could approach your husband and say- I saw the volume of texts between you and X, work should pay for them as they are surely work related? and watch his reaction, and subsequent behaviour carefully.

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