Did you have your (acrimoniously) divorced parents at your wedding? Can you tell me about it please?

[pickwickcrocus]

For background - My parents divorced about fifteen years ago. DM has never got over it and still talks very bitterly about how ddad left her (and us) and how everything that has gone wrong with her life since then is his fault.

She has had serious issues with drinking which she overcame a few years ago (due to the fact that was hospitalised rather than being off her own back), but recently relapsed. She is working on getting through this. While drinking she phones DDad all the time and rants at him. Conversations with us (me and my dsis) are also not much fun as they tend to end in arguments.

Ddad is remarried (to the woman he had an affair with and left my DM for) and has another child. DM has not had another serious relationship since the divorce which she absolutely hates.

I got engaged to my DP a few months ago and since then have been debating what on earth to do with the wedding. We'd love to get married quietly abroad with just my dsis and a few of DP's family. However I feel very guilty for not wanting either of my parents at our wedding and wonder if in the long term I would regret this.

My DM is a complete drama queen and I'm fairly sure would say and/or do things which would stress me out and make the day about her. She is still my mum though and did raise us pretty much by herself and I think she would feel awful about not being invited. I get on really well with my Ddad and he has already said that we just need to do whatever makes us happy.

We would have a big party when we got back as we have a large family and really want to celebrate with them all (I just want the actual wedding wedding to be a quiet but lovely affair). I would invite DM and ddad to this as it would be fine with lots and lots of people around, and friends and family.

So I guess what I am asking is, if your family situation is similar to this, what did you do on your wedding day? Did it all turn out okay or did you regret whatever decision you made?

So as not to drip feed, we have recently found out that we are expecting another baby. We thought we would wait til after the baby was born to get married but actually, we are now seriously considering doing it before hand. This may mean we have to get married in the UK as I wouldn't be able to fly, but the same principles apply in terms of having a quiet wedding and big party afterwards (probably a while after baby arrived). So I have to also factor pregnancy hormones into my wedding plans! (Dm seriously stressed me out during my last pregnancy).

Sorry, this has turned out a bit rambly and I thought I was doing so well at being succinct - there's probably stuff I have missed out too! Any and all advice and opinions will be very gratefully received though. Thank you.

Have you spoken to your mum. I would be tempted to increase her part due to the fact she raised you pretty much by herself. Tell her it is very important she is happy on the day as you want her to speak during dinner and 'give you away'. Tell her you really appreciate everything she has done for you and that's why you want her to take this big role.

Her increased importance may mean she focuses on her role rather than watch her ex spout stuff about raising a daughter he didn't live with. Which if she did the majority of parenting would understandably inflame the situation. I say this because on page one you said she had commented about not getting to do the fun stuff.

I also genuinely believe that the parent who raised you is the one who should take the main role in such events. They truly know you, woke in the night when you were sick etc etc.

43, my other posts also said that we don't want speeches or anyone to give me away. I don't really want a traditional wedding, I just wanted a quiet, happy day with my family.

While my mum raised me, she has also ruined a lot of important days (such as my 18th, my graduation etc) with her behaviour and caused me and my dsis a lot of anguish. So it's not as straightforward as it might seem.

If you really want them both to be there then I think you need to be firm and tell them both that you are not prepared to have them spoil your special day and that if they think that they can't behave appropriately then they need to stay away. It's not easy, so I hope it works out well for you.

Dotti I agree it was a really shit thing to say at your daughter's wedding. I was fuming for her, but my friend seemed to be able to just let it wash over her and not let it spoil the wedding. She thought of her dad as a bit of a liability and I guess was maybe expecting something like that. It was very unfair of her dad to use his daughter's wedding to get a dig in at his ex wife.

I'm an only child and my parents had a very acrimonious marriage and divorce. I vowed to never marry as I refused to have them both in a room together. Even if they both behaved themselves, I couldn't bear it. The stress of it would have made me unwell. In the end I did want to marry DH so we planned a quickie registry office with two witnesses. I had to explain to both my parents what our plans were (I get on ok with both separately). My mum was understanding and seemed rather relieved. My dad was beside himself in tears.

It was difficult but what they put me through as a teenager was pretty awful and has had long lasting effects on me. People are quite shocked when I say that I married without inviting my parents as I'm the kind of person who would always 'do the right thing', all I can say is that my childhood has left me with such an aversion to them being in the same room, it's almost like a phobia now!

Good luck with whatever you decide, it has been helpful for me to read others similar stories so thanks for starting this thread.

I have friends in this situation - they invited their mother, but not their father and the woman he left their mother for.

Basically their reasoning was that their father walked out on their family, and treated their mother like dirt. He didn't get to just walk back in as part of the "family" and take all the good bits.

They asked their mother to give a speech in place of their dad, in recognition of the fact that she was the one who raised them.

It was a bit of a risk, as she was a fucking state, but to be honest, she was so overwhelmingly grateful that she was an absolute saint the entire day.