Did you have your (acrimoniously) divorced parents at your wedding? Can you tell me about it please?

[pickwickcrocus]

For background - My parents divorced about fifteen years ago. DM has never got over it and still talks very bitterly about how ddad left her (and us) and how everything that has gone wrong with her life since then is his fault.

She has had serious issues with drinking which she overcame a few years ago (due to the fact that was hospitalised rather than being off her own back), but recently relapsed. She is working on getting through this. While drinking she phones DDad all the time and rants at him. Conversations with us (me and my dsis) are also not much fun as they tend to end in arguments.

Ddad is remarried (to the woman he had an affair with and left my DM for) and has another child. DM has not had another serious relationship since the divorce which she absolutely hates.

I got engaged to my DP a few months ago and since then have been debating what on earth to do with the wedding. We'd love to get married quietly abroad with just my dsis and a few of DP's family. However I feel very guilty for not wanting either of my parents at our wedding and wonder if in the long term I would regret this.

My DM is a complete drama queen and I'm fairly sure would say and/or do things which would stress me out and make the day about her. She is still my mum though and did raise us pretty much by herself and I think she would feel awful about not being invited. I get on really well with my Ddad and he has already said that we just need to do whatever makes us happy.

We would have a big party when we got back as we have a large family and really want to celebrate with them all (I just want the actual wedding wedding to be a quiet but lovely affair). I would invite DM and ddad to this as it would be fine with lots and lots of people around, and friends and family.

So I guess what I am asking is, if your family situation is similar to this, what did you do on your wedding day? Did it all turn out okay or did you regret whatever decision you made?

So as not to drip feed, we have recently found out that we are expecting another baby. We thought we would wait til after the baby was born to get married but actually, we are now seriously considering doing it before hand. This may mean we have to get married in the UK as I wouldn't be able to fly, but the same principles apply in terms of having a quiet wedding and big party afterwards (probably a while after baby arrived). So I have to also factor pregnancy hormones into my wedding plans! (Dm seriously stressed me out during my last pregnancy).

Sorry, this has turned out a bit rambly and I thought I was doing so well at being succinct - there's probably stuff I have missed out too! Any and all advice and opinions will be very gratefully received though. Thank you.

Its a difficult one isn't it. Your Mum was obviously devastated by your father having an affair and hasn't really ever got over it. A lot of women feel like this after an affair and you probably would too so don't think too badly of her. My own wedding was almost ruined by my DHs mother. Her and his DF divorced after he had an affair and left her for other woman. She never got over it till the day she died. She generally misbehaved at the wedding and was rude to DHs Father and his Wife and made us feel bad for the way things were done BUT we were very young and my parents organised the whole wedding. It was a full Wedding with horse and carriage, Rolls Royce Cars, free bar, beautiful hotel ( which we own) etc. I had only wanted a small wedding with a few friends all sitting round a table, drinking wine, eating good food and chilling. I didn't get any of that and always felt "taken over". But it was my Wedding and therefore it was lovely and it was what it was.

I think that if you want to look back and be happy with your day then do whatever you want to do. As I said we were very very young (21) but as you are "grown ups" doing if yourself then you can have whatever you want. Good Luck.

Springy your post is very eloquent and made me think hard (and you don't sound like DM at all, if she sounded like you I think I would have had a lot more understanding of her feelings a lot sooner than I did).

Myself and dsis were stroppy teenagers when ddad left and at the time were hugely unsympathetic and unaware of how much pain DM was in. We were pretty self absorbed as only teenagers can be.

Since then, because of dm's alcohol issues, talking through everything has been next to impossible. Often me or my dsis would think that we had had a wonderful heart to heart with her or made some kind of breakthrough (about her alcohol problems mainly), only for her to have no idea what we were talking about the next time we spoke to her. She has also said some incredibly cruel and hurtful things to us when she has been drinking, which makes it so hard to be sympathetic. Even knowing that she was drunk when she said them, it's very hard to ignore it when your mum tells you that she wishes you hadn't been born, because then her and ddad would never have split up.

Even so, during her dry spell, which lasted a good three years or more, we did have some good chats and I hope that I was more sympathetic about ddad leaving. She is a bit like a broken record though and sometimes can be infuriating about the way she constantly refers back to him and his actions (as in on a more than daily basis when we were staying with her recently).

Maybe I do need to have more sympathy for her, although I don't know how this would impact on any decision making for our wedding day. Your post certainly has made me think about things in a different light though, so thank you.

I got married 15 years ago and my parents had been divorced for about 3 years then. There was a whole fucking drama with my nan (mum's mum) refusing to come to the wedding if my dad was there (even though he was paying for the whole thing). Then my mum decided to be all affronted as well because my dad was going. Like I wasn't going to invite my own father to my wedding! In the end she came to the ceremony but refused to come back to the restaurant for the meal with us. (Very small wedding, no reception just a meal and drinks in the pub).

She made sure to tell me that she went home and cried all day. Somehow that was my fault. She's very toxic and I'm no contact with her now. I honestly wish I'd never invited her in the first place and cut her out years ago.

In your shoes I'd invite your dad and not your mum, but not sure if the drama afterwards would be worth it?

Its a difficult one isn't it. Your Mum was obviously devastated by your father having an affair and hasn't really ever got over it. A lot of women feel like this after an affair and you probably would too so don't think too badly of her. My own wedding was almost ruined by my DHs mother. Her and his DF divorced after he had an affair and left her for other woman. She never got over it till the day she died. She generally misbehaved at the wedding and was rude to DHs Father and his Wife and made us feel bad for the way things were done BUT we were very young and my parents organised the whole wedding. It was a full Wedding with horse and carriage, Rolls Royce Cars, free bar, beautiful hotel ( which we own) etc. I had only wanted a small wedding with a few friends all sitting round a table, drinking wine, eating good food and chilling. I didn't get any of that and always felt "taken over". But it was my Wedding and therefore it was lovely and it was what it was.

I think that if you want to look back and be happy with your day then do whatever you want to do. As I said we were very very young (21) but as you are "grown ups" doing if yourself then you can have whatever you want. Good Luck.

DH and I got married 2012, his parents divorced over 15 years ago and the last time they were in a room together was 15 years ago, they always talked about each other to me and DH (even though both are in other relationships and 100% happy) when we got engaged and looking at the table planning DH phoned his mum and dad up and TOLD them that we WILL be having a top table and there is a seat for them IF they wanted bit we weren't changing our plans for them! It worked out ok, apart from a few little quick witted comments from MIL to FIL (which were quite funny) so I think we were lucky.

I hope you get it all figured out, if they can't understand it's your day and if they can't put their differences aside then that's their loss.

Also thought id add, our wedding was a stepping stone for them, MIL and FIL have been in the same room quite a few times since 2012 and have actually held amicable conversations! Xxx good luck xxX

Springy I take your point about my choice of words in my post.

But believe me that both I and DH went to enormous efforts to ensure MIL was as comfortable and happy at our wedding as possible. The situation engulfed the whole wider family, even including my own parents and siblings.

I did understand her legitimate anguish, but more important to me was my DH's legitimate anguish that his DM was not able to overcome her nerves on his special day.

springdaffs I understand what you're saying and thing the Scarlet B behaviour for betrayers has merit. ;) But... pickwickcrocus, FWIW I think you should definitely go with your DP and elope, run away, do anything but have the big family circus with too many moving parts when you already have a LO and one on the way! This is YOUR day, for you and your family to celebrate your future together, and no amount of pre-counselling or promises of good behaviour will matter; your DM is highly unreliable and your DDad the root of the problem, put them together and you have a toxic cocktail. Don't do it. Being a good daughter to your DM does not include ruining your wedding for you and your family. Have your quiet (alcohol free for you obviously!) ceremony, here or away, and the no-pressure party for wider family when the dust has settled a little for you, possibly even after your new baby has arrived so you can have a glass or two of something to celebrate as well! Congratulations on everything wonderful that is happening for you now.

Exactly the same situation when I got married. Just the thought of a fraught wedding day made both of us feel ill. Not really the way you want to start your married life.
We decided to get married in secret, with our best friends as the only guests. We had a fantastic day, went to the expensive restaurant that we had been desperate to try but couldn't afford. Our wedding day was the perfect excuse.
Ive never regretted it and would do the same again.

My parents divorced when I was ten- 35 years ago. My mother still tries to have my DDad excluded from all family occasions. If thwarted in this, she huffs and puffs and flounces, saying she can't possibly be in the same room as that man. Unfortunately, in earlier years, she got her own way, simply because we were all (6 of us!) afraid of her reaction.

However. I have had two weddings, and followed this pattern (subsequently copied by my siblings):

"Mum. I want both you and my father at my wedding. You are both invited, and it is your choice to come or not. If you do choose to come, there will be no sniping or otherwise rude behaviour. You will be asked to leave if this occurs."

It may sound harsh, but after many years of "Woe is me" type behaviour, it was the only way.

As for understanding her pain etc- we did that, for many years. But there has to come a time when the past is left behind, especially, I believe, where the children of the marriage are concerned.

Also- I have been divorced myself. My child's feelings counted for way more than my historical difficulties with his father. Thus for every important occasion that arose, my ex was invited, and we made polite conversation. I would never have subjected my ds to the kind of selfish actions that my mother put us through.

My friend had her dad and her mum with partner she left her dad for at the top table at her wedding. It was mostly going ok until her dad got up to do the father of the bride speech.

Her dad got up and started "when you get married you think it's going to be forever, it doesn't always work out like that...."

What a shit thing to say at someones first wedding when they are full of hope of it lasting a lifetime.

Sorry,haven't read the full thread but wanted to add my experience. My mum and dad had divorced 5 yrs before my wedding and hAnt spoken at all except via the courts. We had a smallish wedding of about 50. We kept some traditions, like my mum and I getting our hair done together etc, then she left and my dad came to collect me. We didn't have bride and groom side in church, we didn't have formal/ family photos, just random shots, and we didn't have a top table at reception. We didn't ask my dad to make a speech but he gave me away. My dad's partner came, my mum wasn't with anyone.
Put worked out fine.phew!!

Hope some if that helps and hope you have a great wedding.

D'oh, just read properly, you've done all that! Ignore me!!!

Oh hell, I've totally confused the posts now. Sorry.

Good luck OP!

I think if it was me, it would have to be like for like. If your parents aren't going, DPs parents shouldn't go either. I know your mum sounds like a pain, but she is still your mum and brought you up. I'm not sure I would be able to say to the woman who brought me up that I didn't want her at the wedding but my partner's parents are going.

If I really wanted to keep my own parents out of it, I would probably suggest a ceremony with siblings and best friends as witnesses and then all other relatives to join in later.

Or, if your dad is being so laid back about it, why not ask him to step aside for the ceremony for the sake of peace. It sounds like you have a great relationship now, but really, this is just a side effect (albeit a long drawn out one) of him walking out on his wife and children for another woman.

Thanks fresh

Los I really like the sound of camping out in an expensive restaurant for the afternoon, though I'm not sure we could find one with a soft play area for dd!

Trixy - we're definitely not having speeches! And regardless of who comes, I've also decided that no one is going to walk me down the aisle. Dp and I are being married equally and I am not being given away by anyone. I'm going to sit at the front with dp and we can both walk up together. Or something like that anyway. I'm not being given to anyone!

Shodan, did you say the same to your dad?

So someone is deeply betrayed, their world spins off its axis [not everyone had the support of MN to get them through the agony..]. Everyone is shocked and horrified initially... But, you know, it all gets boring after a while, and you kind of accept/forget the outrage, move on. Except the person with a stake through their heart (and practical life) hasn't even begun to even begin the road to recovery by the time everyone has cooled off and it's become commonplace. Meanwhile stake through heart person starts getting clear 'move on' vibes beamed at her (we'll call her 'her') Then, because she is incapable of 'moving on' at that stage, it would be inhuman to expect her to, the exhortations and irritation start getting obvious : 'god! Is she STILL going on about that! ffs move on already stop being so inconvenient ' . in a way she is doubly abandoned - and she is still in the shallows of the ocean of grief/rage before her, which has become chip paper for everybody else.

So, when her rage/grief/outrage gets the better of her - largely because she has been unsupported and her grief stuffed in a corner - she is chided like a child and told to behave herself. If betrayer takes a swipe at her in public and she responds, she is told to pack it in/grow up/stop it you two (when it isn't two, it's one).

Then she's not invited to her daughter's wedding because 'you two can't behave yourselves'

Doesn't seem fair to me, I have to say.

Duckedup I am pretty confident that if we said that that was what we thought best (ie DM coming and not him) then he would accept it as part of the consequences of his leaving. He has carried a massive amount of guilt around with him (for the initial departure, the effect on us and my dm's alcoholism) and I think would just see it as another price he is paying.

Personally, I think I would feel odd having just one parent there, instead of an all or nothing situation, but it is another possibility to think about.

It is very hard to know what to do. I think I need a long chat with my dsis. She is the only other person who knows the full circumstances and this thread has given me an awful lot to think about. Thank you all again

I'll shut up now though.

springydaffs- by the time I had my first wedding, my parents had been divorced for twelve years. By my second, 27 years. All of us had given as much support and understanding to our mother as was humanly possible-including excluding our own father from important occasions.

Even now, we cannot have both parents at any of the 'lesser' occasions- Christmas, birthdays, school events- because of Mum's ever-present and ongoing bitterness.

Are you really saying that her feelings, after all this time, should be of greater importance than those of her children? Her grandchildren? Their marriage broke down- yes, with betrayal on his part (according to her, but not according to him. Who knows?)

Sorry, but to those of us on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour, it tipped over long ago from understandable to pure melodrama and attention-seeking.

We, as her children, should not have been, nor should still be now, subjected to such remorseless vengeful sniping. Her attitude since the divorce has been far more damaging than the divorce itself.

And yes, my father was told the same.

And at no point was she ever not invited. She was merely advised that we would expect appropriate manners.

I'm a bit sad at all these people being exasperated that the deserted party hasn't gotten over the betrayal and should just suck it up and tolerate seeing the ex-partner and their current beau.

My marriage ended,and we are very amicable, simply because there were no other parties involved and he has shown me that he still cares and is a fantastic father and friend to me. If he had left me for OW I suspect I would find it very very hard even 4 years later.

I think the fact that you guys can be exasperated means that the deserted party did a good job of making sure you had a good relationship with the parent that left, and didn't poison your mind against them. If you had seen them broken in a corner, I suspect it would be very different.

Shodan you are right . It is a long time. My MIL died still feeling like this. Very sad. When you say that "those on the receiving end" it tipped over etc. I think that only those who have been through the experience of their husband leaving them for another woman will truly understand what those left behind experience. Hopefully you will never experience your husband leaving you for another woman.

DottiM- hopefully I won't.

But I can tell you this- if he did, it wouldn't be the worst betrayal in the world. I have suffered far worse betrayals.

I have witnessed my mother destroy the rest of her life. She tried to destroy our relationship with our father. I watched her 'jokingly' try to shoot him, on Christmas Day, with an air rifle filled with talcum powder. Which she then laughed about. My sister was forced to parade up and down the road he lived in with a placard declaring his 'sins to the world'.

My sincerest sympathies go to those who are currently suffering the aftermath of a husband or wife breaking up a marriage. It is painful.

But your children should not be asked to bear your pain. I could not burden my children with that.

Do you know what? For her own sake, more than anything, I wish Mum could let it go. She could have had an amazing life.

My apologies, OP, for ranting.

Of course, most divorcing parents are not like mine.

Really helpful posts by Shodan I think - especially where you say about having 'allowed her' to behave that way for so long before your wedding.
I think that's an issue.
I have friends who split up over 15 yrs ago when their dc were still quite small. They are adults now, who have never had both their parents in the same room for anything - not even something like a school concert where they could mingle anonymously with another 200 parents and not have to speak to each other. Nor for important occasions such as 18th birthdays . Yes you will feel hurt, upset, 'betrayed' as said above, but there comes a time when you have to understand that a particular day or occasion isn't about you. It's about your son or daughter. I have no idea what my friends dc are going to do at their graduation or any impending weddings. I want to knock their parents heads together.

Mychild - yes, I believe the betrayed party should just "suck it up". For just one day, for their own child on their special day, they should realise it is not all about them. Maybe that's harsh, but that's how I feel. And Shodan is absolutely right.