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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love affair

45 replies

Pussycat02 · 22/08/2014 10:18

Hi iv been having emotional affair for about a year with a divorced man , iv been married over 20 years and always been faithful. Recently things have progressed and turned sexual and he's all I think about, he wants me to be with him full time and I feel the same , so I told my husband I would like to separate but he's just not listening to me and trying to carry on as normal , I no this is going to be devasting all round but I can't carry on living a double life husband is threatening to hurt himself if I leave , my kids are both at uni can anyone help me , husband nos about other man

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/08/2014 10:35

Your husband is entitled to be upset in the circumstances - having been in his position I know how crushing it is to find out you've been made a fool of. If he is threatening suicide or similar then take him on face value, be compassionate and call the emergency services. Then I would suggest that you should make arrangements to leave the family home and get legal advice. All the time you are around him, knowing what he knows, you are a trigger for more depression.

heyday · 22/08/2014 11:12

Wise words cog

kaykayblue · 22/08/2014 12:16

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GreyTS · 22/08/2014 12:21

I love the way posters confessing an affair say that they have "always been faithful", yeah I think you will find that that's pretty much expected in a marriage.

MrsDavidBowie · 22/08/2014 12:25

You don't know what kind of marriage they have had kaykaublue.

heyday · 22/08/2014 12:35

It's usually best to end one relationship before commencing a new one to avoid or lessen this sort of fallout. I would make sure hubby has some support and then pack a bag and leave. It's what you want so go ahead and do it and let your DH begin his journey of betrayal, loss and eventual recovery. The quicker you go the better, don't prolong his agony any longer.

AuntieStella · 22/08/2014 12:37

As you have decided you want to leave, then you should go.

But, as pointed out above, is is a devastating time for STBX and the compassionate thing is to do what you can to have him surrounded by those who will help him. And be ready to call the emergency services if the need arises. Make sure you have contact details (phone and email) for The Samaritans to hand.

gamerchick · 22/08/2014 12:39

What is stopping you separating? Your Kids are well up, no littilies at home so you can leave can't you?

EarthWindFire · 22/08/2014 12:42

If you want to be with OM then leave. Be aware of the utter devestation that your DH will feel and don't underestimate how much it will also affect the children.

Make sure your DH has a support network around him.

Pinkfrocks · 22/08/2014 12:45

Oh God, another bitch fest when someone has met someone else and wants to divorce. As if it never happens...

It's really odd you know but in all of my 60 years I ve seen rather a lot of marriages end, sometimes for the OM /OW and sometimes not, but I have never ever heard all the bitchy comments in RL even from those affected , like there is on MN.

Does this forum attract a certain kind of poster?

OP- you need to see someone legal and make plans to sell the home and start your divorce proceedings. Your husband is clearly in shock and not wanting to believe what has happened, so maybe making it legal will make him understand.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/08/2014 12:47

You say both DCs are at uni . Some couples find that because the nest is empty, they rediscover one another and themselves. In your case maybe when the children left, this exposed flaws in your marriage.

Don't forget you've had at least a year to embark on this and your H is still playing catch up. Try and put yourself in his shoes, see if he can shore up support.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 22/08/2014 12:56

I think it is best that you just leave so that your DH can have the space he will need to start to heal. It's entirely understandable that he is devastated as this is a massive shock to him.

But to correct your opening post. You have not been faithful for quite a while.

Tryharder · 22/08/2014 13:09

I would suggest a course of appointments with Relate who will help you both get your head around what happened and why you had an affair and what can be done to ease the pain of separation.

You are entitled to happiness as much as the next person and you will be giving your DH the opportunity to find happiness himself with a new partner and life

As the 'guilty' partner, you will not find much kind advice on MN but I don't see why you should don sackcloth and ashes and stay in a marriage that clearly does not make you happy.

Given that you have no dependent children, I see no reason why you and your DH cannot come to a amicable decision with regard to separating and dividing your finances fairly.

A friend of mine went through Relate when he separated from his DW and said he found it very helpful.

magoria · 22/08/2014 13:32

You want to leave and be with another man? So pack your bags and leave.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/08/2014 13:37

Thank you i must also say my relationship with om started as my husband shunned away from my sons drug problems and om was a good friend who was there for me snd things developed

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 22/08/2014 13:43

It sounds a little as if you are unsure what to do? I'm curious why you need to come to a forum to ask because if you have decided to be with someone else then the next step is to see a solicitor and file for divorce. Depending on your finances you may be able to move out or, like some couples, you may prefer to stay in the marital home( living completely separate lives) until the finances are sorted- though this would be unfair and rather selfish if your DH is going to have his nose rubbed in your new relationship, as you come and go from seeing the OM.

Usually partners find it hard to believe someone means something because the other person gives mixed messages and doesn't initiate any action to back up their words.

Original poster
Pussycat02 · 22/08/2014 13:45

I feel guilty as although not in love with husband anymore i still care about him and he cant do anything like house chores etc so am feeling guilty bout that also boys not back at uno till mid sept

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 22/08/2014 13:49

I remember you having other threads about this OP at various stages of your 'relationship' with the OM.

I am also not sure what you are asking really.

Of course your DH is going to be in shock. His world had been turned upside down. If you are still seeing the OM whilst you are still with your DH in the same house then to him it will feel like you are picking at a wound.

Personally I feel that if you want to continue with the OM before you have properly divorced your DH then you should give him space to come to terms with it.

EarthWindFire · 22/08/2014 13:51

I feel guilty as although not in love with husband anymore i still care about him and he cant do anything like house chores etc so am feeling guilty bout that also boys not back at uno till mid sept

The children will be very hurt, of course they will and you have to be prepared for that. Surely it is better to tell them now than hit them with it just before they go back. They will see that something is up anyway.

They may even be aware if your affair. Quite often when affairs are 'outed' people knew but didn't want to say.

Pinkfrocks · 22/08/2014 13:56

I don't understand....
why are you saying your DH can't do household chores?
Do you mean he's depressed so isn't chipping in?
Or is this his way of opting out of the marriage while you are still living together?

TBH that sounds like such a tiny thing to mention in the grand scheme of what you are going to face when you split up and move out/on.

Do your children know the family home will be sold and their mum will be with someone else?

There is no virtue in delaying telling them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/08/2014 14:08

You do know the boys' sympathies will most likely be with H and not with you?

Added to that, leaving a marriage for OM can put big pressure on him to make the upheaval worth it, I don't say this in a doom-mongering sort of way but please be absolutely sure your new relationship is strong enough.

Pinkfrocks · 22/08/2014 14:15

How would you know that Donkey from what the OP has said?

Twinklestein · 22/08/2014 14:20

Perhaps he's never done any chores. Would explain why he can't do them.

AuntieStella · 22/08/2014 14:28

The doing/not doing of chores isn't the key point here.

OP has been posting for months about the emotional affair, which has now turned physical.

There were many posts advising her to sort out her marriage, live independenty and them work out if OM really is the man she wants in her new future. She made different choices, and has reinforced her decisions to conduct an affair.

OP: you said you don't want to live a double life. What life is it that you do want?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/08/2014 14:33

What, about the DSs' reaction Pinkfrocks? I was imagining if my DM had announced, "Children, I have been having an affair with someone else, and want to end things with your DF and start a new life with OM. But Dad's not taken it to well, in fact he's suicidal so we all need to look out for him".