Love affair

[Pussycat02]

Hi iv been having emotional affair for about a year with a divorced man , iv been married over 20 years and always been faithful. Recently things have progressed and turned sexual and he's all I think about, he wants me to be with him full time and I feel the same , so I told my husband I would like to separate but he's just not listening to me and trying to carry on as normal , I no this is going to be devasting all round but I can't carry on living a double life husband is threatening to hurt himself if I leave , my kids are both at uni can anyone help me , husband nos about other man

What are you after OP? Approval? sympathy?

They're likely to be in quite short supply. Your actions are pretty poor and you have hurt someone pretty terribly.

Just get on with it and leave, you are not caught up in some oscar winning romantic drama, just a ho hum case of infidelity. You no doubt will feel terribly guilty but that is pretty much the price you have to pay for behaving like this.

On a positive note, it is about perspective, you didn't kill anyone, you can go on and find happiness (although i wouldn't bank on it with this guy as he's already demonstrated his views on fidelity in relationships!)

Its a mess, there is no easy happy way out, sorry.

The doing/not doing of chores isn't the key point here.

O rly. That's really helpful.

The OP's choices are not actually any of your business Auntie Stella.

I personally don't see why my comment was deleted. If this was a male poster saying "hey I have been having an affair, and want to dump my wife, what should I do" then all hell would be breaking loose.

Why is it that on this forum when it's a man cheating, it's horrific and they are vile humans. But when it's a woman cheating, then there must have been a problem in the marriage, he must have been abusive, it must somehow be the husband's fault?

It's a huge double standard.

I'll rephrase my original post in a more pearl clutching pleasing manner then.

OP- You made your bed. Now lie in it. Let your husband have time and space to heal.

Donkeys I think it's too easy to jump to conclusions and make those kind of uninformed judgements.

In Real Life I know several 'children' ( now adults in their 50s and older) whose parents split up because one of them had met someone else. In fact most of these people I know are close friends, so it's a topic we have discussed.

There is not a single one who turned against the parent who had the affair. In fact many of them were happy that parent had found someone else rather than stay in an unhappy marriage ( for them.)

So it's not correct to make assumptions.

kaykay maybe it was the language you used?
It's one thing to have an opinion but it's another to tell someone to F.. off.

Do you always talk to people like that in RL if you happen to disagree with them?

Don't carry on leaving a double life then.

Leave your husband.

It really is as simple as that.

I am sure there are two sides to every story. I don't have a crystal ball and can't predict what will happen but I won't pretend it's all going to be plain sailing. OP said herself it's going to be devastating.

Had I simply wished to put the boot in I might have opined that naturally cheaters feel entitled to cheat Pinkfrocks. OP is not asking for our permission or blessing.

I had not questioned OP's decisions and if you have your own opinion then please feel free to post and I shall do the same.

"The doing/not doing of chores isn't the key point here.
O rly. That's really helpful.
The OP's choices are not actually any of your business Auntie Stella."

Anything that is published becomes anyone's business, doesn't it?

Now, I think things such as threats of suicide and the impact of an affair on a marriage are the central issues here, rather than whether the STBX has done any household chores.

I had hoped that my question about what OP actually wants instead of her current double life would be helpful.

But if household chores is the key issue, then I suppose the key question becomes "can you afford a cleaner?" But that strikes me as a terrible trivialisation of a long-standing set of issues.

I don't know what you expected to happen once you dropped the infidelity bombshell on your husband.

Here's a question: how long is the new love in your life prepared to wait for you while you dick around finding reasons not to leave?

If you want to head off into the sunset and enjoy a new life with your lover then just get on and do it. You might have broken your husband's heart but staying won't help mend it or make it one bit easier for him in the long run. In fact you could be seen as being more cruel by prevaricating than just packing your bags and getting on with it.

I don't know what I would have done without you, AuntieStella, to explain the issues here. (snorts)

"Why is it that on this forum when it's a man cheating, it's horrific and they are vile humans..."

Because it's rarely the cheating man who posts the thread. Whatever strong opinions infidelity provokes the MN code of conduct is 'no personal attacks' - which is presumably what you fell foul of. Essentially 'play nice'

In Real Life I know several 'children' ( now adults in their 50s and older) whose parents split up because one of them had met someone else. In fact most of these people I know are close friends, so it's a topic we have discussed.

They may be in their 50s now but was that actually how they felt at the time?

I also have had contact through work I have done with children in this situation and can't say that my experience of how children react in these situations is how you have described.

OP I don't understand. You want to leave, so leave. What is stopping you?

Earth They may be in their 50s now but was that actually how they felt at the time?

I thought my post made it clear they were talking about how they felt at the time- not 30 or 40 years hence.

OP I am seriously confused. You have said in a previous thread that you have left your husband for OM as you couldn't live with the guilt!?

Are you living together or not!?

Ah Kay, you too have been the victim of the MN 'be understanding and sympathetic to all women no matter how bad their behaviour?

Glad its not just me.

OP has a history of starting threads and abandoning them, so not holding out much hope for a response.

"Glad its not just me."

Our policy is to keep intervention to a minimum and let the conversation flow. Having said that, we will remove postings that are obscene, contain personal attacks or break the law. Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.

This applies to everyone.

OP, I think what you are saying is that your H knows about your OM and has said he can't manage without you, he will harm himself if you go etc. so that is your difficulty, that you want to leave but dare not in case he harms himself.

Perhaps you need to talk to him a bit more. You could maybe offer to help him get some support.

It seems he is desperate to make you change your mind. But if your mind is made up I think the kindest thing would be to just go. Does H have a good friend who could come and stay for a day or two? Or someone he could talk to?

Sad as it is to leave him so devastated he can probably start to recover quicker once you are not a daily presence in his life.

OP you don't tell your husband 'you would like to separate' you tell him you are leaving and why.

Be honest and upfront and then leave, none of this hanging on for the chores nonsense. People do meet and fall in love with others but when the decision is made to move on together you need to make that cut swiftly and decisively - hanging around just gives false hope and will add more hurt to the situation.

Move out and make a solicitors appt'.