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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm not sure if this is the right place to be honest.......

MaliceInWonderland78 · 2014-08-21T12:07:10+00:00

My wife and I have three children (8, 4 and <2 months). The decision to have a 3rd child was very much my wife's, although I should point out I wasn't against the idea - equally I'd have been satisfied with two. The pregnancies have not been easy (especially the last two). The most recent was horrendous and frankly, I'd have been quite within my rights to leave after some of the things she said and did. I didn't because I recognised that her hormones were all over the place. As things transpired, baby number 3 was delievered by non-elective c-section. Recovery was fine and everything went well. As we'd been down that route before, and given that the mid-part of the pregnancy was so dreadful, we had agreed that in the event they did do a c-section, she would take the oppotunity to be sterilised. When the time came, the Registrar (a lovely lady) talked her out of it. I still felt that it would be easier (we had agreed previously) to go ahead, but didn't push the matter. Anyway, my wife has now decided that actually we should have another child. I actually think that our family s complete; and at 35 (she's 34) I feel we're a little bit long in the tooth to be doing it all again. Especially as the pregnancies have become progressively more difficult. I don't have the appetite for a protracted argument over this. At the moment we're occupied with the little one and family life in general, but she's mentioned it again (on the basis that we need to crack on). My wife is usually utterly reasonable, but whenever pregnancy/babies are involved she's altogether different. *Is this likely to go away?* My wife has said that in the event I don't want any more children, I should have the snip. I'm not keen on that (which she knows) but she's not happy to go on the pill or use condoms.

67 replies

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:07

My wife and I have three children (8, 4 and

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/08/2014 13:12

I think you should take her up on her suggestion to have a vasectomy. Seems to be the one legitimate route out of a protracted discussion. Why are you not keen?

aNoteToFollowSo · 21/08/2014 13:15

I agree with Cogito . The snip seems the solution all round. If you don't want any more children why are you reluctant to have the procedure? (which is, as you probably know, a less complex op than your wife would have to undergo to have her tubes tied)

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 21/08/2014 13:19

Why are you not keen on having a vasectomy?

And no, I don't think it's likely to 'go away' - you sound a bit charming tbh to say 'I would have been quite within my rights to leave'

Would have thought the registrar only 'talked her out of it' if your wife was actually wanting to be talked out of it.

Sorry - suspect you wanted a bit more sympathy than this..

pictish · 21/08/2014 13:20

We have three wonderful kids, but I absolutely would not want a fourth, so I'm with you on that one.
However, I think you should get the snip.

Original poster

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:20

If I'm being brutally honest, it's because I'm a wimp. I have a high pain threshold (I've been casued serious injury in the past and not done anything other than swear ALOT!) but can't really stand som much as a needle - let alone someone cutting me open - under local anaeshetic (sp?) - with a knife! I can't even have jabs.

I know that sounds ridculously wimpy (especially in the context of child birth etc. etc. But I should add that my wife draws attention to internet horror-stories and the latest article which suggests that those that have the snip increase their risk of cancer. Truth be told, she's less keen than I am.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2014 13:23

If you don't want more children, that is absolutely your right. But it is equally your responsibility to take care of contraception to ensure your wife doesn't fall pregnant. She has been through more than enough and it's not fair to ask her to continue to use hormonal contraception which can be seriously damaging to a woman's health.

So, if your wife doesn't like condoms, I don't see that you have much choice other than to get yourself sterilised.

Can I ask why you were quite happy to see her surgically sterilised, which is a very invasive procedure for a woman, but don't want to undergo it yourself when it's a very simple non-invasive procedure for a man?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 21/08/2014 13:24

errr.

Ok so your wife doesn't want anyone sterilised.

You want her to be sterilised.

Neither of you want you to be sterilised....

Why don't you both think about a less permanent type of contraception - the implant worked well for me.

Original poster

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:25

I don't want sympathy, but equally, I don't want to get into a row if she's likely to settle down. She had an urge to have more kids after the other two - but that was always the plan.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/08/2014 13:25

As long as you both remain technically fertile and she won't use contraception, you're risking pregnancy. She's not going to do anything to reduce the risk so the question is whether your objections to a vasectomy are stronger than your objections to a pregnancy or not. It's OK to be frightened of a surgical procedure but maybe you should properly look into the matter and get advice from a qualified doctor about the success rate, the procedure and the relative risks rather than let your opinion be swayed by scaremongering stories? Once it's out of the way, the discussion ends

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2014 13:26

X-posts.

Seriously, you need to fucking man up. Your wife has undergone major surgery to bring your children into the world, with various and permanent damage done to her body. The least you can do is face your fears to avoid subjecting her to that again.

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2014 13:27

Sorry, that was rude. Cogito has made the case far more politely than me.

basgetti · 21/08/2014 13:28

If you don't want any more children then it is your responsibility to take steps to ensure that doesn't happen i.e. vasectomy. It is unreasonable to refuse to have more children but then expect the other partner to pump themselves with hormones or undergo an invasive surgical procedure in order to fulfil your wish.

Original poster

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:29

I actually only agreed that my wife should be sterilised (and she also agreed by the way) if it was part of a c-section. Equally, if they were going to 'open me up' for something else, I'd not be adverse to having the snip I'd need to be under a general anaeshetic to do it

She has tried the implant and it was awful. I'm happy using condoms, but they genuinely don't seem to agree with her.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/08/2014 13:31

Annie simmer down. Having babies does not turn us into saints that must be obeyed.

His wife keeps relating negative articles to him about the snip, which he is already more than a bit squeamish about. Have a heart.

coraltoes · 21/08/2014 13:37

Your wife sounds like hard work. No pill, no rubber, no implant, nothing...but oh yes you go and have your snip love. I'd tell her to jog on and pick a method of contraception that involves no surgery for either of you. How do condoms not agree with her? Do they say her food needs more salt?

Twinklestein · 21/08/2014 13:37

It's absolutely fine not to want more than 3 kids, but I agree with everyone that a vasectomy is the answer. I don't believe that you can be as much of a wimp as you say you are. My husband's had the snip and he had no problems at all.

The registrar was absolutely right to talk her out of sterilisation with her c section and I'm mildly gobsmacked that you could talk about such a major procedure so blithely.

SlightlyJadedJack · 21/08/2014 13:38

I suspect his wife is doing that because she wants more children pictish!

My DH has had the snip and had a non surgical one (don't ask me how that works - google). He had no side effects and certainly didn't feel any pain - he would definitely let me know if he had.

If you don't want children but your wife is not prepared to take any more contraception then I'm not sure what else there is to do other than stop having sex.

Original poster

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:44

Yes, she is hard work sometimes - but actually, she's more than reasonable most of the time. Condoms seem to cause her pain/discomfort in the aftermath (the next day). They also seem to give her cystitis (sp).

I'm (hope) I'm not talking about the procedure blithely. We had the discussion beforehand, and agreed that in the event she had a c-section (which we both wanted to avoid) she'd be sterilised at that time. It seemed to make sense. I felt, at the time, that the Registrar assumed that we'd just come up with the idea - but of course we hadn't.

I will investigate further the idea of getting the snip.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/08/2014 13:44

I agree. She wants another baby and deflects contraception any way she can.
I don't like the sound of her tbh - but that is possibly because I have 3 and definitely don't want 4. I'd hate to be with someone hell-bent on forcing it on me anyway.

SlightlyJadedJack · 21/08/2014 13:45

She may be allergic to condoms Malice, lots of people are.

Original poster

MaliceInWonderland78 · 21/08/2014 13:45

non-surgical?

OP posts:

SlightlyJadedJack · 21/08/2014 13:46

look at this, it might help

aprilanne · 21/08/2014 13:47

the reason they don,t like doing a sterilisation at the time of birth is because it has a higher failure rate ..you should wait at least 6 months .to let your body go back to normal first .but if you are sure they can do a vasictomy under a general anisthetic .but thats not really the problem .the problem is you and your wife have to agree on something and when women get broody .we do get a bit irrational

ThinkFirst · 21/08/2014 13:47

My DH also had a non surgical vasectomy and suffered minor discomfort afterwards, no real pain, and hasn't had any problems in the 10 years since.

I had to have a c-section with my last DC and asked about being sterilized at the same time, and was told that they prefer not to as it's more likely to fail.

If all other forms of contraception are genuinely not usable for you both then you either risk pregnancy, get yourself sterilized or stop having sex. You will have to decide which one of those options suits you best.

davrostheholy · 21/08/2014 13:50

Hello Malice.
fellow Man here. I read your post and winced a bit because you said a couple of things that will be jumped on and pulled to pieces. Don't take it to heart. I see the process has started already.

Anyway - from my point of view:
1.) If you are really bothered about the pain, ask to have it done under a general at the hospital. I did that, and it was great really. You will get it done by a proper surgeon and you will not feel a thing. I have heard plenty of horror stories about the ones done at the "clinics", and I decided that as Local Anaesthetics don't work so well for me, I would take no chances and get it done at the hospital. I just asked for a general and that was it!
No real pain afterwards or issues. If you are certain you DON'T want more children just get it done. Which brings me on to:
2.) I suspect - and I stress suspect - that your wife is kind of boxing you into a corner by "shooting down" the alternatives. No condoms, no sterilisation, no implant.. Vasectomy for you then.. oh but now she is reminding you about the negative articles about vasectomies, and playing on your fears, so you won't get it done. She wants another baby,this is why she is taking no action herself. She does not want to reduce HER chances. I think if you planned to go ahead with it she would increase the negativity until you changed your mind about it. Then its a case of no contraception at all and then "Oh look! I'm pregnant! - I promise I will get sterilised after THIS one!".

Ok, the second bit is wild speculation, but I am afraid that's par for the course here. (It wouldn't surprise me if you get accused of being EA and controlling at some point) - so I might as well get some "counter-wild-speculation" in now.

Basically, if you want a vasectomy, don't be scared, ask for a general.

Good luck!

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