I'm not sure if this is the right place to be honest.......

[MaliceInWonderland78]

My wife and I have three children (8, 4 and

Non-surgical means no scalpel to cut through the skin, a small hole is punctured and both vas deferens are pulled through and cut (not at the same time) and possibly (as with my DH) cauterized. The hole is left stitched to heal on its own. Far fewer risks of complications, heals faster and less risk of infection.

the hole is left NOT stitched, sorry

I think you both need to have a frank and honest talk about what's you're both secretly thinking but not saying. There's more to both of your sides of the story that you're telling each other. Sit down, get it out in the open and then start talking about what steps you'll take after.

If needs be (to stop it turning into an argument and going nowhere productive) some kind of mediator might be useful. This could be a third party you know who you can trust to be neutral about the situation, or it could be within counselling.

I agree if you 100% don't want more children then you should have a vasectomy.

Why should you have the veto in not having children and then continue to expect your DW to shoulder all the burden of not getting PG? What would happen in the event of contraception failure? Would that be her burden to deal with too?

She has done enough reproduction wise over the years with everything she has gone through and done to have your family.

Pluck up the courage to at least look into the actual facts about a vasectomy, and then go for it. If I was your W I would be thinking like this too.

It's always hard when one half of a couple want more children than the other. DH wanted two, I wanted four, and we compromised on three.

If I'm honest, I would have loved a contraception failure so I could get my fourth child. It took years for the broody feeling to go away. I didnt get pregnant though, and now I'm pleased. Four children is a lot!

I do think you need to take control of contraception unfortunately OP, as that will be the only way to definitely prevent another pregnancy. Your wife won't mind a pregnancy, so will not be doing her utmost to prevent it.

Davros Thank you. I hadn't realised that a general wouldn't be out of the question. I have private medical (though not sure this would be covered) but also had/have a very very bad varicole. When the consultant diagnosed that, he suggested getting it dealt with under a local. I couldn't go through with it and now sit here with the discomfort (happy in the knowledge that it's not testicular cancer!)

I will definitely look into the general. Thank you.

Yes, we do need a frank discussion, but we've had them before, she agrees, and then the goalposts move - much like the sterilisation on c-section issue.

I appreciate I'm painting her in a bad dlight. She's actually pretty amazing - most of the time.

Honestly though Malice, if the goalposts move then are you (or rather, is she) really being completely frank with herself and with you about her feelings/wants/wishes/motives?
This is why a mediator might be a good thing. Neither of you should feel like you're being talked in/out of anything, but at some point a compromise will have to be made and it can be difficult to see the difference between coercion and compromise.

Totally agree with what awesommer says up there.

I'm assuming you've gone back to her and said, 'this is what we agreed - why have you changed your mind about the number of children you want?' Then maybe have a tiny bit of compassion because 'broody' is a vile place to be - maybe you could be a bit more supportive than saying - yeah but you're crap when you're pregnant and it make me want to leave you.

I'm guessing there is way more to this than meets the eye.

With a 2 month old baby most people are broody, it might be worth leaving this discussion for a few months, might get a more reasonable talk.

I was sterilised while having a C section, we too went on the premise that "whilst they were in there" delivering the twins, I wanted it done, I knew with a twelve year old boy and twin healthy girls resulting from a nightmare pregnancy, I was very happy with my lot. I am only speaking my mind here, but personally, I would get the snip, nobody wants an Op, god knows I didn't look forward to the booked c section / sterilisation, but we couldn't afford or cope with anymore kids, so I made the right decision not only for our marriage but for our future too. All talk of more kids ends the day you walk in to have it done. Perhaps your wife thinks you won't call her bluff and have it done? I took responsibility, my husband felt the same as you about the snip.
HTH and I hope you can sort it, your both still soooo young! :)

I've heard it's fairly common to feel broody soonish after birth, if baby is under two months old then it's too soon to try now anyway so her broodiness may reduce so the sleepless nights take their toll. I know this was similar to my experience second time round and I soon changed to knowing I couldn't do it again. So yes there is hope she will change her mind and it's all hormonal and magical newborn right now. But she might not.

If I were you I would speak to your GP and perhaps friends or family who may have had a vasectomy themselves, or forums but not the scaremongering ones - my DH saw these and won't do it but we are agreed no more and I'm happily on the injection every 12 weeks. The op itself is very minor and there are more modern and less painful procedures with quicker recovery. If you believe strongly enough you are done then you will overcome your worries and do it, it sounds far easier than another pregnancy. But don't make the decision now, wait a few months for hormones and family life to settle. If condoms don't work for your wife then you don't have any other option save abstaining.

34 is not long in the tooth!

and yeah, get a GA and get sterilised!

You need the snip.

Malice - that's interesting. I also suffered from a Varicocele and had the embolisation done a few years ago (which helped but did not totally cure). As I had the vasectomy done at the hospital they seem to have surgically removed the varicocele as well!! Bonus! It wasn't planned or mentioned before or after it was just - gone!
All I did was ask the GP for a vasectomy, told them I couldn't do it as a local - they referred me to the hospital - told them the same, that locals don't work so well and I wanted one but had to be a general - there was no hassle or arguments, they just said "ok" and that was that. All on the NHS as well.
I would also not worry too much about these news articles focusing on potential risks of the procedure. There are always these health scares that come and go. Remember when all eggs had Salmonella and eating cake mix would kill you for sure? :-) Everything is a risk - crossing the road is a risk!

Hope I have helped in some way!

Gemma Perhaps - which is what my initial question was really. It doesn't solve the contraception issue entirely, but does mean that the discussion could take place outside of the spectre of one of us wanting more children.

Liza I have a little more tact. She herself knows how unreasonable she can be (I'm not perfect) and she didn't enjoy a good chunk of the pregnancy. The last two pregnancies have seen her hospitalised with hypermesis, but this most recent one really tested her (and us).

Sorry to disappoint, but there's not really much more to it.

arf! you don't 'disappoint' just that there is more to your need to talk to each other.

YY, vasectomy.

But something else - you say you were 'within your rights' to leave. That sounds awful, and I'm a little concerned it's been skated over. I may be reading too much into this. Obviously, everyone has perfect right to leave any relationship but it sounds like rather more than that. Do you mean she was abusive? If so, that's not 'the pregnancy' or 'her hormones,' and having or not having another child seems to me to be only part of the issue.

If I'm reading this wrongly (and I know I might be), and you just mean it was hard and she got stressed/was in pain which made you feel rotten, then I would suggest maybe try to separate that off from the question of contraception. Otherwise it comes across a bit as 'I could've left but I didn't, so you owe me' (if that makes sense)?

It's quite normal to be really broody when you've got a newborn.

Queen It was the forums which did it to be honest. I don't believe half of what I read, but many of the stories were truly awful.

Davros That's very helpful. I'll go to the GP and see if I can't get a referal. Especially if there's a chance they can sort the other thing out too which will of course be the primary reason for the visit if anyone queries why I had to have a general!

Really feeling that much more positive about that side of things. Cheers.

LRD I'd sooner not go into that here - it wouldn't be fair on my wife. Needless to say, she really really struggled, and it absloutely altered her behaviour. It seems strange to say it, but it's as if she physically changed (as in looked different). It was awful for all of us.

Absolutely understand - best of luck to you both.

Phobias of needles and surgical procedures (even minor ones) are very real and quite terrifying to those who suffer from themit's not really about being a "wimp" in these cases. I would suggest you talk to a doctor about options for getting the snip done and managing your fear about it; if you are serious about not wanting more children, you do need to take responsibility. Maybe they will give you something fun like valium-- to ease your anxiety!

I know this must be a difficult situation and I guess the real issue is whether you and your wife can communicate and mutually agree, rather than ending up in a situation in which either she resents you for not "allowing" another child or you resent her for eventually pushing you into another one. Good luck!

If the registrar talked your wife out of being sterilised, then it's likely that there was a medical reason why it might have been less successful or less safe. It's not as though your wife is dithering over a trivial matter like what colour handbag to buy.

Given that your wife has apparently been advised against sterilisation, and other short term contraceptive methods are unsuitable for your wife, your options are limited. You can avoid PIV sex, you can have a vasectomy, or you could ask your wife to consider charting/ fertility awareness method and accept that there's some pregnancy risk.

With a newborn baby, your wife's hormones are likely to be all over the place and it's possible that her feelings may change over time. But you're right to suggest that a protracted argument over this is really not a good idea, particularly while you're both exhausted from dealing with a newborn.

Egg It's true. That said, I can watch others go under the knife and I'm not in the least bit squeamish. I just can't hae anything done to me.

My wife is a nurse and wanted to test my blood sugar - I broke out in a very serious sweat.

I tihkn once I take ownership of this, the decision is sort of made. There may well be times when we both wonder what might have been, but this will at least draw a line under it.

We've much to be thankful for; 3 healthy children. My wife just sometimes needs reminding how lucky we are.