Help me ask for my key back

[meltedmonterayjack]

Long story but to make it as short as possible:

I had a friend with benefits. Now we are (at my instigation, just friends).
He has always wanted us to have a proper, live in relationship, whereas I didn't. I had a long, miserable marriage and now relish my own space, time, choices etc. Even if I wanted something more serious, it wouldn't be with him, as much as I care about him.

Anyhow, I let him have a key about 3 years ago. But I no longer want him just walking in whenever he wants. He has problems with boundaries and has a lot of time to fill and sees my place as a bit of a refuge I think.

He had a really grim, abusive childhood and has a lot of issues around abandonment, rejection and friendship so I don't feel he'll take it well if I just ask for my key back. He'll take it that I'm no longer his friend.

Can anyone think of a way of wording the key request that takes into account the fact that he is hyper sensitive and very easily hurt. He'll want to analyse why for ever and a day, and he'll say he won't abuse his key ownership etc, but I know he won't be able to stick to it. He's going to drive me batty trying to work out why and if there's any way I'll change my mind. He can be very persistent and goes on and on about stuff until people either tell him where to go or give in and do what he wants.

I really want to be able to choose when he comes round rather than for him to come and go as he please. Really grateful for suggestions/ideas etc.

Yep, change the lock (you can often just change the barrel so it's not that expensive).

If/when he asks about it you can say you really want your space to feel private so you aren't going to give anyone a spare key who might let themselves in, it's not just him, you didn't think he'd mind as why would he want to be in your flat if you aren't there anyway, so you could just let him in.

Stands I've just ordered it. The reviews are consistently very good. It looks really useful.

The way I worded this thread is exactly the reason WHY I need this book.

I will get the lock sorted out.

Cool - maybe we should start a review thread sometime! Am sure there are other posters out there who would find it interesting.

Yes we must know what happens!

Stands that's a good idea. And yes, I'll let you know what happens. Maybe the assertiveness book will arrive before him and what with the input on here as well, I'll be ultra armed with firm and clear responses :)

Imagine us, stood behind you as you stand clear and firm on this

AnyFucker I will. Thank you so much. As this thread has gone on, it's made me go from wanting to tactfully and painlessly get my key back, to feeling able to say what I want to say to him and to feel right to do so. Knowing I'm right, and that he is not being a good friend, will help when he starts with the wheedling/manipulating/texting. I am determined not to let him go on and on about it, but to be very clear that if he can't respect my wishes, then the friendship will be over. Thank you all for your advice and support.

OP, when you get the key back... change the lock anyway.

Just to be sure.

I will Castle Too many people on here have said this for me to ignore it.

When is he back?
Let us know how you get on

Good luck, please let us know how it goes.

If becomes a nuisancd with calls and texts, you could look into blocking his number.