Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me ask for my key back

61 replies

meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 17:11

Long story but to make it as short as possible:

I had a friend with benefits. Now we are (at my instigation, just friends).
He has always wanted us to have a proper, live in relationship, whereas I didn't. I had a long, miserable marriage and now relish my own space, time, choices etc. Even if I wanted something more serious, it wouldn't be with him, as much as I care about him.

Anyhow, I let him have a key about 3 years ago. But I no longer want him just walking in whenever he wants. He has problems with boundaries and has a lot of time to fill and sees my place as a bit of a refuge I think.

He had a really grim, abusive childhood and has a lot of issues around abandonment, rejection and friendship so I don't feel he'll take it well if I just ask for my key back. He'll take it that I'm no longer his friend.

Can anyone think of a way of wording the key request that takes into account the fact that he is hyper sensitive and very easily hurt. He'll want to analyse why for ever and a day, and he'll say he won't abuse his key ownership etc, but I know he won't be able to stick to it. He's going to drive me batty trying to work out why and if there's any way I'll change my mind. He can be very persistent and goes on and on about stuff until people either tell him where to go or give in and do what he wants.

I really want to be able to choose when he comes round rather than for him to come and go as he please. Really grateful for suggestions/ideas etc.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/08/2014 18:36

Don't lie about the reasons why. You don't want himeyting himself in, he needs to know that. The emotional consequences for him are not your problem.
If he wants a full blown relationship with you then it's not a kindness to allow this intimacy to continue. You need to dial this friendship back a long way.

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 18:42

Ehric, yes, that's what I've realised I need/want to do. When I started the thread I was all for whatever would be easiest and cause less reaction. But that's not going to help me or him in the long run as he wouldn't know how I feel. The 'benefits' bit of the friendship has stopped at my instigation but because of that, it's now not the friendship I want it to be - he still is acting more like a boyfriend than a friend. And unless I make things less blurry, that will just continue.

OP posts:
pengymum · 18/08/2014 18:50

Change the lock barrel before he gets back - it is simple to do. Then when he gets back, tell him you had to change the lock as lost your key when he was away. But if he asks for copy you can say what you said above about relationship over and choosing who comes etc. That way, you will KNOW he doesn't have copy cut & can't get in.
Or don't say anything - your call. But you will be in control, not him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/08/2014 18:55

Boundaries. He can't think and act like a live-in boyfriend because he isn't one now and isn't going to be one, ever.

Going from what you've said about his tenaciousness, even if you do get the key back you should change the barrel of the lock in any case. He's going to be harder to shift than a bloody limpet.

jackydanny · 18/08/2014 19:33

Even if he is hard to shift, it's about re training him.
Putting the boundary and sticking to it.
You might end up losing the friendship.
That's life!
This is about being true to yourself.
Well done OP.

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 19:35

Bitter, you are so right, re the limpet! And yes, although he hasn't been a live-in boyfriend ever, because he wants to be, I think he assumes he can behave like one. And I've colluded with that up to now, by not standing my ground.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 18/08/2014 19:47

Change the lock - you know it makes sense

I can just see his mournful little face at your window till the new arrangement sinks in...

Grin
Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 20:00

I'm in a first floor flat thankfully Witchway :) But instead of mournful face at window, there'll be mournful texts/calls. I'm going to have to be very firm and refuse to discuss it with him otherwise it will just run and run. He finds it VERY hard if he thinks he's being rejected/abandoned in any way.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 18/08/2014 20:09

Change the lock for your own peace of mind.

WitchWay · 18/08/2014 20:11

Difficult - you're not really rejecting him as I see it, just creating a little space for yourself

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/08/2014 20:24

He's not being rejected or abandoned, you're just reclaiming your home for yourself. He gets to come round only when you chose to invite him. Even a five year old child could grasp that concept. He's abused the privilege and now it's being taken away.

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 20:35

I do just want more (well, much more) space, but although I know I'm not rejecting him, sadly that's how it will seem to him. He has many and various issues going back to a very abusive and sad childhood :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 20:49

Not your problem, though.

DistanceCall · 18/08/2014 20:54

Tell him to talk to a psychologist. You can't make your life shit just in order not to trigger his childhood traumas.

And to be honest, you'll be doing him a favour. He can't go around without having any boundaries.

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 20:59

Jackydanny - re-training is the word. Though if he were a dog, he'd be the one at the training centre they couldn't do anything with and would tell you he was un-trainable :( And as Bitter has said, he has abused the privilge and can't seem to respect my space, that it's come to me taking the key back. His issues aren't my problem though, it's true. He has made changes in his life, but he's very trying when it comes to friendship on a lot of levels.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 18/08/2014 21:00

You could hint that the FWB thing might be back on & that he has to "pay" by forfeiting his key

the wine talking

eddielizzard · 18/08/2014 21:05

ok it's about managing his reaction. i think you should be very clear and truthful. don't be evasive or he'll not let it go.

'i would like my key back please.'
'whaaaaat!!! why??'
'because i need to feel that my space is my own and people are only there at my invitation.'
'you're kidding! i'm not welcome? wtf! i thought we were good friends!'
'you're absolutely right - we are friends. and i'd like us to still be friends, but that means you must respect my space. you need to check whether it's ok to come round.'
'ok i'll check before i come round.'
'i still need my key.'
'but i won't come without an invitation.'
'in that case you don't need it.'

sorry - really bad movie script. but you mustn't back down.

if you play the nephew staying card, you could string it out by saying you haven't got the key back yet. he may pressure you to take a copy.

essentially i think it's better if you tell him the truth. you need to tell him honestly that you value the friendship but it's too intrusive and you can't continue without some space.

if he keeps on haranguing you, you have to make it clear that it's not fair of him to guilt trip or manipulate you and you don't want to talk about it anymore. you value the friendship but it's up to him now to show that he values it too.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 18/08/2014 21:06

Everything you say about his failure to respect boundaries screams 'change the lock' ...

Whatever you say to him about getting the key back and making him feel included in the decision making (which is basically pampering his need for control), please change the lock anyway.

DistanceCall · 18/08/2014 21:10

I'm going on a tangent here, but it's astounding how women, as a whole, are brought up to "make everything alright", and "pour oil over troubled waters", and "not rock the boat". This man is a nuisance, and I suspect he is taking advantage of your kindness, milking his "abandonment issues" for pity. (He may well have abandonment issues, but he should take them to a professional).

I really find it very hard to imagine a situation in which the sexes were reversed.

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 21:18

Distance that is very true. I was brought up not to argue/talk back and to smooth the way. But if you behave like a doormat, you get trodden on. Eddie that 'script' is really helpful. Those are exactly the things he'll say, so it's good to look at ways of responding. He will wheedle and push and text (which are the same behaviours that have led to me feeling fed up enough to want my key back.) If he can't take no for an answer then he'll lose a friend.

I think the consensus is to change the lock!

It's really helpful to read all your replies and I'm resolved to be honest rather than fudge over the issue with excuses about visitors/lost keys etc.

OP posts:
Owllady · 18/08/2014 21:20

Just change your locks

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/08/2014 21:26

Yes please change the lock. A bolt is no good. You can't bolt the inside of the door once you've gone out of it and you could come home to find him already inside.

Jesus, that is so creepy.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 18/08/2014 21:27

OP, I have just started reading this (thanks to an MN recommendation) - might be helpful?

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0704334208

Original poster
meltedmonterayjack · 18/08/2014 21:47

MsAdorabelle, I'd just realised that about the bolt. That it's ok if I'm on, but if I'm not, he could just let himself in :(

Thanks for the recommendation. This book sounds exactly what I need Stands. I am better than I was (starting from a very low base!) but have a looong way to go with assertiveness.

OP posts:
StandsOnGoldenSands · 18/08/2014 21:49

From what I have read so far it is full of 'omg' moments.Hope it helps, good luck and keep the bolt on while you're getting the lock changed please!!