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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship with PIL going downhill fast.........

35 replies

amiami · 19/09/2006 12:14

...and I don't know what to do.
Was fine at the start but since our wedding day things have deteriorated. They make disparaging remarks about our home and lifestyle, don't DH any credit for the work he does to support his family while crowing about their other son. DH broke down at the weekend and admitted it is the source of a lot of sadness in his life. And putting a great strain on our relationship which is going through a rocky patch anyway.
I am not sure how to fix it - or if I want to having being the target for a lot of snide remarks and nastiness if I am ever with them on my own. Reduced to tears on several occasions.
They adore DD and I want her to have a fulfilling relationship with them - but can we achieve this while things are so fraught? We spent the day together on Sunday and DD was handed over to them and back to us when they left - there was barely any conversation between us just all this tension simmering away.
Does anyone have any ideas on how we can move forward?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/09/2006 12:15

I would avoid them, I'm afraid. I probably wouldn't bother explaining why.

Do you really want your DD spending time with people who have such contempt for you?

izbee · 19/09/2006 12:22

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time at the moment and from your post it sounds like there's lots of stuff going on - not just with the PIL but also between the two of you. Rather than try to fix it on your own had you thought of getting some help? Someone detached to talk to can be a big help - your GP is one option as s/he should be able to refer you to a counsellor or you could contact Relate (usually listed in the phone book or search on the web). Even if your H doesn't want to go too just going on your own can be a big help because it gives you the space to try and sort things out in your head.

In the meantime well done for wanting to keep the grandparent / grandchild relationship going - you are being very grown up about it.

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 12:27

I have looked into counselling for us and this issue will certainly come up - we are going to go once we have moved and settled in a new area.
My gut instinct is to avoid them but DH finds it hard to turn them down when they invite themselves around. Even though we both feel like sh*t afterwards.
They are going to be looking after DD one day a week while I go to work soon and I am worried as I don't feel sure they would respect my wishes when they are responsible for her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2006 12:32

amiami

It seems that his parents are very jealous of what you have. Why exactly are they so toxic towards him and not your husband's brother?.

Is it possible for someone else to look after your daughter particularly if you feel your own wishes will not be respected?. I ask this as they could well use your daughter as another stick to beat you over the head with.

What's all this as well about them inviting themselves around?

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 12:45

DH and I have no idea why they are so distant with him. MIL did say to me once that you have to treat your children differently and admitted that she HAD to tell BIL that she loved him all the time. But you would think they would be a little more tactful rather than talking about how wonderful BIL and SIL are all the time. I am convinced it is because they don't like me.
They are passing our house every week or so on their way to their holiday home so ask if it is ok to call in. We have been invited to their house twice in 9 months.
My parents will be helping out too and PIL are aware of this. If we arrange it so they aren't helping I am worried it will completely ruin things. I have considered putting DD in a nursery to avoid this problem. This would be a last resort though.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/09/2006 12:47

I would really talk to your DH, and maybe get him to consider counselling about this. Would you and he tolerate this sort of treatment from people you weren't related to?

mumblechum · 19/09/2006 12:48

I'd have bugger all to do with them I'm afraid. Both my & dh's parents live hundreds of miles away and that's the way I like it. If they invite themselves around again say it's not convenient. They'll soon get the message.

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 13:19

Would DD not be missing out if we cut them out though? I would do so happily if I thought she would not suffer.
I think she would probably pick up on the tension as she gets older.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 13:24

FIL has about 6 grand of our money tied up in his business. Offered to help DH's part time computer business by running it as a sub company initially. This was a year ago. He then bumped his company to avoid prosecution from the health and safety executive - with our profits included. Despite asking for our money to be returned and separated from his company since Jan nothing has happened. We can't cut them off while we are still linked through the business - we need the money.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 19/09/2006 13:29

Why do you want your dd to have a relationship with people who treat you and your dh like this? If they can treat their own son like this, why do you want them in any of your lives at all?

Eventually your dd will pick up on the tension between you and them, and it will affect her. She will pick up on the strain that it's putting you and your dh under, and that will affect her too. You don't have to play happy families with them for her sake; no grandparent at all is better than this, surely?

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 13:44

I don't want her to - this is the problem. I hate the thought of them looking after her. I would quite happily never see them again. But they are DH's parents and he is not ready to make a decision like that yet. Or confront them.
They do love DD very much though. Well, at the moment. I think things would be different once BIL and SIL start a family.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/09/2006 13:45

I'd take them to small claims, or otherwise get a lawyer involved, about the money. That should stop them talking to you, either way.

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 14:02

NotQuiteCockney I would blinkin'love to DH will not be as keen!

Putting this down and reading responses has helped me realise how strongly I feel about the very negative effect that they are having on my family and I will do anything to protect us.
They have no respect for me or DH and so see fit to treat us as they please - taking pleasure from their time with DD without bothering to build relationships with us first.
Ultimately it is up to DH though. But I don't have to be involved with them.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/09/2006 14:11

No, you don't. And you can make a case that without you being happy about it, they cannot have a relationship with your DD, either.

petunia · 19/09/2006 14:48

I've got the same sort of thing with my ILs (although mine don't look after my children and never will if I have anything to do with it!) My ILs (FIL especially) makes comments and MIL throws tantrums when she doesn't like something. As a result, DH puts them first because he's scared of them and I've come to realise that he thinks that as long as his parents are happy and we all play at "happy families", then everything's OK. It doesn't matter that my feelings have been hurt and they've never apologised. This has been going on for 13 years. I posted on another messageboard that I felt guilty because I could do so much more in the way of visiting the ILs with DDs but because of the way the ILs have treated me, I couldn't just "get over" the things they've done in the past. One person posted and said something along the lines of children don't need grandparents. What they need is happy parents. If the ILs are causing grief with the parents, then those parents won't be happy.
I'd really "bite the bullet" and tell your DH that
you're going to get someone else to look after your DD. In a way, what you're telling your ILs, is that it's OK to treat you and your DH like cr@p and for them to disrespect you, as long as they can have a relationship with their grandchild. If this happens, sooner or later, not only will your DD pick up on the tension (my eldest (6yo) already knows something isn't "right" between me and the ILs) but you'll resent the way you've been treated (I do all the time!)
Good luck, I know how hard it is to do the right thing.

ameli · 19/09/2006 15:01

amiami,

you are asian right? part and parcel of the culture im afraid...no right answer just try to be fair.

lovemybaba · 19/09/2006 15:12

You know what babe. YOUR family comes first (U, DH & DD's).
Your IL's have had their family already and now they're trying to mess up yours. I'd have a right mind to tell them to p**S off! I know - can't do that though!

Seriously though, it's not that you're 'cutting them off' it's just that you've got issues in your life that you need to deal with and them being around is just added pressure for you, and dh. Your Lo will pick up on the bad vibes as well and imagine how this will affect her.

Take Care x

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 15:56

Not Asian Ameli. It is not a cultural thing.

Is it worth confronting them about it all first? I hate leaving things unsaid. It eats away at me. I would like them to explain why they are so strange to us.
If I withdraw from the situation I worry that they will decide the tension is down to me, and not take any responsbility for their actions and their effect on DH in particular.
Petunia, how do you cope with family get togethers and the like? The prospect of a christmas one is horrendous. I can't do it.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 19/09/2006 16:04

They make disparaging remarks about your home and lifestyle whilst they owe you money you could be using to improve your home and lifestyle.

They are putting dh down in front of his wife (and dc)

They make snide and nasty remarks to you if they catch you alone

doesn't sound good

SSSandy · 19/09/2006 16:10

No idea what the real issue is for them. There are different degrees of closeness. I would definitely limit my contact to them.

  1. I wouldn't leave dd with them 1 day a week, you're going to be facing their rudeness towards you once a week, plus feeling uneasy about the whole thing and not trusting yourself to raise issues re childcare with them since it's all so fraught anyway. Wouldn't consider it.

  2. Get into the habit of turning them down when they invite themselves round. Just you and dh commit yourselves to saying no, sorry it isn't possible, we're meeting friends. And get into the habit of inviting them for a meal once a fortnight/month WHEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE there, ie your parents, friends, siblings. People who know the problem and will turn the conversation for you. If they go blah blah BIL is doing so well at x, your fan-club jump in with how well dh is doing at Y.

Never be alone with them. Leave the room, don't give them a chance to be snide and nasty to you.

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 16:26

We have given up on family meals etc after the wedding - none of DH's family joined us for breakfast on the morning of our wedding. We were all staying at the venue - a small country house and it had all been arranged. And they stayed in their rooms. My parents felt very snubbed and so did we. I was so angry and upset the following day. There's lots more I could say about my wedding day and how they put a serious dampener on proceedings but I am going on a bit already!

OP posts:
Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 16:31

And we have a lovely life. We aren't well off by any means but we have a nice home and garden and do lots as a family. It's just not the kind of life they understand or can boast about at rotary evenings.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 19/09/2006 16:53

do your own parents live near by?

Original poster
amiami · 19/09/2006 16:57

they live an hour or so away

OP posts:
petunia · 19/09/2006 17:21

To tell the truth, I cope with get-togethers by having a strong drink inside me! Luckily we live about 50 minutes from them and we see them about 4x a year. At Christmas, DHs sister and husband are often there as well, which gives them someone else to talk to (not so many painful silences and they don't notice that I'm not talking to them so much). For other visits, if we're at their house, we have dinner then I go off in to another room while DH and DDs stay in the room where we've had dinner. If we're at our house, I do dinner then disappear into the garden, usually followed by DDs. I realised a long time ago that the only reason I was tolerated was because I've provided their grandchildren and the only reason I stick around at these visits is because DH couldn't cope with all 3 children. It kind of hurts that that's the only reason I'm there but I've kind of emotionally detached from them all. I just count down the hours 'til we leave/they leave!