Am I been an irrational needy drama queen?!

[Sunset89]

Posted on here recently about a guy I had been briefly seeing, been on a few dates and it seemed like we both had a connection. However he's got a job in London 4 hours away from me.... From the start I always said it wouldn't be a good idea and he convinced me to 'see what happens' basically saying it would be stupid not to give it a go..... He also kept saying how he would 'prove' it to me how he wouldn't just forget me because he's living away etc etc

Blaaaa he's been there 2 weeks and we have still spoken via instant message every day (brief convos)
since the day we met however I feel like his behaviour is causing me to go insane and I don't know if I'm just been overly needy because I've been hurt a lot in the past or whether I'm been rationale!

• doesn't ring me anymore- I've rang him twice and he never rang back
• still messages me first if I don't message him but then sometimes gives quite closed responses with no questions

-takes longer than usual to reply (I guess that's understandable) -hasn't arranged when he's coming back home (his family live near me) again maybe understandable

I get the fact he will be extremely busy as he has a new job and new place to live etc - he messaged me today saying 'I'm hungover come give me a cuddle all day' then I responded he responded and I sent him another message and he hasn't replied! Again he could be busy but I've seen he was online on whatsapp and he's been active on instragram since liking peoples photos! He still hasn't replied 7 hours later...

Should I give him a chance and see how it goes in a few weeks when he settles in or just cut him off now before it ends in a disaster?

I know I sound like a whiney teenager right now I can't work out if I am been a drama queen or not!!!

Helppppp a moanie needyyy girl out please :)

Thank you so much!!!!

P.s we are both 24 (not 16 believe it or not haha)

Sounds like he's using you as an ego boost. Quit him.
Not responding to a text within 7 hours is normal (I hope? I think?- I am awful at replying) but given the whole context I am sticking with ego massage...

Find someone closer and don't panic if they don't reply immediately! Far less worry that way (closer). It's good to think of it as you already being in possession of a brilliant life...any man is supposed to be en enhancement. But most aren't. So be a bit skeptical, move slowly and keep busy with other things as you get to know one another so that you're the one replying a bit late. I would personally be worried by someone always responding immediately. I would worry they never had anything better to do/ant life, iyswim?
I am not talking about sitting by your phone waiting until it's "okay" to reply (game playing), by the way, but actually having other things to think about so these things don't consume you!

Nobody can be that busy or preoccupied all the time, not even when they're in transition like this bloke is. Not so busy they can't pick up the phone and talk for a few minutes to someone they've made some sort of declaration of emotional connection to.

I appreciate you're a worrier and feel very needy but this bloke isn't going to calm those things, IMO it's going to get worse and surely you want to be with someone who is physically there? I think he sent the hangover text to the wrong person, sorry.

If it were me I'd let it wither and die OR I'd just end it with the resolve that, no matter what line in 'but I thought you knew how I feel about you' he came back with, it wouldn't sway my decision.

Find someone who is there emotionally, physically and freely. Your worries won't have a function if you're seeing someone who means what they say and shows it

A - stop drinking red bull, no wonder your mind is racing that late at night.
2 - he messages you as he is hedging his bets in case he needs a shag.

I think I would just back away from the online comms for a few days, go and live your life offline for a bit and fill your time with things you enjoy and book some stuff to look forward to.

Seven hours is not a long time to reply to a text, I often reply to texts the following day but I wouldn't do that to a partner who I had just left behind in my home town and who would in all likelihood be feeling a bit insecure. It might not be deliberate on his part but he does have you just where he wants you at the moment. Show him that waiting for communication from him is not your priority, switch off the phone, computer. You are only 24, go and have fun!

Any of the messaging issues could be applied to DH and I so I don't see the issue with that.

However, it's the no calling you bit that I see as the real problem. People who are close would call at least daily as they'd want to share their day, especially if it's all change atm.

And when I have backed off he usually pops up on a message!

He's reeling you in to keep you as an option in case his new life doesn't work out. I'd end it and wish him good luck.

Anyone else glad their dating days were pre-technology? I can remember the angst of sitting by the telephone for hours on end ........ just back off, if he is interested he will contact you - perhaps properly via phone - and just get on with your life.

My boyfriend and I were four hours apart for a year - but we did use the telephone (and shock, write letters) before we got married - over 25 years ago and still together. So it can work out, but your boyfriend is clearly not making much effort.

I really don't think it's a good idea to mention that you are away of his activity on whatsApp/Instagram.
That sounds stalkerish.
You have to realise that some people take time to respond, wonder exactly what to say, are busy, think "I'll respond when I've got dressed/showered/ whatever.
His life does not revolve around you at this point, so not instantly messaging back is forgivable.

If he genuinely liked you (as in wanting a relationship) he would be telling you and calling you and arranging when to see you again.

I would go further than cooling off and actually end it. Send him a message saying you like him but the distance isn't going to work for you. Wish him luck and say you hope there's no hard feelings. Then go out with your friends and try to put him out of your mind.

Otherwise you could have weeks and months of this. You don't need this in your life.

Just a thought... If you're anything like me, it's the pulling of power (by him) that drives me crazy. Take the lead, message him and be bold - suggest perhaps that you give him a few days to settle in, you've got some stuff to do anyway, and that you'll speak later in the week. Super breezy, relaxed, interested but not hanging off his every word. If he ups his game in response it's a good sign. If he's just moved, I don't think his actions so far look particularly suspicious.

Gosh yes ragwort - I met DH 10 years ago and mobile phones were pretty common then, but nothing like as pervasive as now.

Near the start of our relationship DH stopped contacting me for a couple of days and I tried not to think about it, and it turned out that his mobile had stopped working - this was in the days that this was a genuine possibility. These days I just wouldn't believe him. Oh and after our first couple of dates he went abroad for work for a fortnight - I was a bit undecided about him and it was actually very beneficial to have a communication free period to gather my thoughts and decide that actually he was very very nice indeed.

OP genuine men who want to go out with you are very direct. They will phone, text, message or whatever the current social media is in a non confusing way. They will also make plans to meet you - I don't know where you are, but if this guy is serious about continuing to see you he would have booked his train or asked you to come and visit him.

I'd not actually message him at all. Leave it for at least a few days and see what happens - don't respond at all. If he's a keeper, then he'll make plans for the two of you to get together.

He's keeping you on stand-by in case he needs you. Dump

Tbh, if someone were being this needy with me, I'd back off too. You probably think you're hiding it but I'd bet you're not.

I've been in both situations. I've been the one being driven crazy by sporadic contact, and I've been the one being driven crazy by a needy, insecure person. I ended it both times. It's not worth the headfuck if you're not both on the same page.

Waiting hours for texts don't usually bother me, I think I've only got my back up as I have noticed a change of behaviour, in particular over the past week! I guess a combination of a few things. I noticed he doesn't continue the convo like he used to be asking me q's- I did back off and didn't respond and actually went out and turned my phone off (I'm not as phycho as I sound!) that's when he popped up ysteday making the cuddling comment- again it wouldn't usually bother me but again he didn't ask q's and ignored my last message when I could see he was active!

Before he left I was quite realistic about it not working, I only gave it a chance and I suppose got my hopes up as he seemed so keen not to let go- I guess I thought if he was messaging me every day he must like me- but tbh actions speak louder than words and he's doing nothing to make me feel secure about the situation!

Guess it's just getting my head around what to expect when someone's just moved and whether I am asking for too much- from the general comments I think my anxiety is probably for a reason and the fact is he doesn't care enough!

You're anxious because you've invested and are continuing to invest too much into somebody who just doesn't feel the same way about you. That is no reflection on you at all.

The reason why you posted the thread is because you KNOW that he's backing off, that his actions belie his words and that you are now an option for him whilst he seems to be very much your priority right now. There's a very good saying: "Never make somebody your priority for whom you are only an option". It's not comfortable and it can grate... and when it does, you know it to be the case in your own situation.

If your best mate had posted this thread, what would be your advice to her? Would you tell her to keep on hanging in there?

You are looking for excuses and reasons for him behaving in this manner. There are none. He is behaving exactly as somebody who isn't interested would behave albeit he's keen to keep you dangling whilst he firms up his plans elsewhere. That is incredibly mean of him and it's also why your 'playing him at his game' will not work. He doesn't care and you do. That's the crux of it. Your relationship is imbalanced and can never work in that state.

Can you make yourself busy, Sunset? Find some things that you've always wanted to do and just do them? Go to the gym, meet up with friends, go to the cinema, sign up for a course, etc.... It will be hard at first because you'll have to make a conscious effort but it will become very much easier for you as you get used to it and you might discover a whole new activity or group of friends as a result.

It's not enough to switch your phone off and gaze at it - or go out and wonder constantly if it rang... you need to actually disassociate from the perceived importance of HIM. He isn't worth your angst, a nice man wouldn't treat you this way. Your relationship is on borrowed time - either you end it or you limp along and he will end it. It's not going anywhere, I'm sorry.

Lying speaks the truth. Bin him. I'm sorry

What LyingWitch and BlackDaisies said.

Imho, the problem here is that you did not trust or respect your original gut feeling about these circumstances.
From the start I always said it wouldn't be a good idea

You set aside your (intelligent) feelings and boundaries for some superficial lip service from a guy you barely know.
he convinced me to 'see what happens' basically saying it would be stupid not to give it a go..... He also kept saying how he would 'prove' it to me how he wouldn't just forget me because he's living away etc etc

and block him.

I was one of the ones who said you should give it a go, but now I think that it is time to end it. He obviously isn't interested enough to make. Real go of it. End it now before it drags out with less and less communication and you start to feel bad about yourself.

Don't make comments about him being hot and cold and being on other social media, that does seem a bit needy. Keep your dignity and just tell him it isn't working for you.

Thank you for all your great advice :) lyingwitch- thanks for your straight up advice, I've come here to be told how it is so don't worry about coming across as direct I like it!!

He's just Whatsapped me back now, 1 sentence answering my question and another saying he's had a long day and was so hungover at weekend- again no questions and each sentence ending in a full stop (okay he doesn't usually put a full stop I know that's what most people do haha) Going to take all your advice and ignore it!!! I feel a bit harsh but if he really wanted a conversation he would at least ask how I was!

Already been making plans :) a friend of mine is coming over tonight and were going to watch a film! My phone will be hidden away upstairs!

Loooovvvvving the head slaps hahahahha wish I could give him one with a big fish ?? ;)

Sorry Sunset but you are reading way too much into this.

A lot of the comments on here are just fueling your anxiety, this "he's keeping you as a back up","he's keeping you on stand by","he's keeping you for when he wants a shag". Give me strength these are very narrow minded ignorant comments to make about someone these posters don't even know. If I was this man in question I would be pretty p'd off.

Don't expect him to text back within minutes every time you text him or send him a message, when me and my wife met I wouldn't text back for maybe a few hours, not because I wasn't interested but because I was working, I was out - I'm not hooked to my phone like a lot of people tend to be.

If you carry on down this route OP you will send yourself crazy with anxiety. Seeing as this has become somewhat of a long distance thing maybe ask him if he feels it's working, if he say's it is ask him when he think's he will be coming back to see you. IF he doesn't come back with a possible date maybe then have the convo about it not working for you. In the mean time though don't fill your head with the 'woman on tap' kind of comments here, you don't want to think of yourself as that.

Good, yes, ignore him.

Before you take your phone upstairs please change his name in it to "MN says IGNORE ME"... and then you won't be tempted to answer his call (I hope!).

You're destined for fab things, Sunset, this man is wasting your precious time - or he was. He no longer is. Not worthy of your analysis of his words (or punctuation), he's gone... pffft! ... and you can do this!

Thanks nick.

It's good to hear from a guys perspective as well! Do you not think it's a bit odd he's responding with no questions\quite short? Surely if a guy was interested if he had no time to call he would at least try and be chatty when he does have time to finnaly respond! I guess the time issue was an addition to that and put together in my eyes it's not great! Maybe he's trying to end it in a nice way hmm

I don't think he is trying to 'end it'.

Again, I wouldn't think too much into him not asking questions/quite short texts.

When you say "When he does have time to respond" when are these times? Just because he texts you back doesn't necessarily mean he has the time to respond in full, maybe he has nipped off to the loo at work and quickly looked at his phone while at work.

My wife was and is a bugger for texting back with short texts and no questions, that's just they way she is, never meant she wasn't interested - obviously.

Maybe that is just the way he is.

Think you should just look at this clearly, I think you are in one of those scenarios where it's not necessarily the best thing to get advice off MN due to people on here having the tendency to jump into the worse case scenario.

You are young, (me and you are a similar age) don't let this consume you, carry on with your life as normal, don't keep checking your phone and try not to feel compelled to turn it off to stop yourself checking it, even if you turn it off you will still have the niggling thought about if he has text you or not. Easier said than done I know but just think if he hasn't text you he hasn't text you, so what, we live in a society where we constantly need to be in touch with people and it's not very healthy.

Finally, don't keep messaging him constantly hoping for a reply (however small) just to quell your anxiety, because it will actually make you anxiety worse in the long run.

I am going through exactly the same thing and after reading PP's I was about to message my guy and end it.

Then I read Nicks.

Thank goodness. The voice of reason. I'm following Nick's advice :)

Hope it all works out for you OP.

The OP gives a lot of information, there's more to it than delay in responding to texts.

It doesn't actually matter how the man in question might see it, he's not posting for advice. It doesn't matter that no-one 'even knows' this man: it's an anonymous forum, no reason anyone should know him. People are posting from their own experience. No exceptions here that I can see.

The advice to the OP is the same from all perspectives though: carry on with life as normal, don't make this person the centre of your life.