Feeling fragile - ex partner violent last night

[SuperLoveFuzz]

A few of you might remember me posting a few months ago about leaving my partner in the night after he tore the house apart looking for a bag of weed. Since then DD (8 months) and I have been staying with my parents until we moved into our own house at the start of this month. I did manage to stay strong in that I followed through on my plan to get my own place. DD and I have been much happier on our own. The problems came when I convinced myself the relationship could be fixed if we took it slow and worked on things. I also blamed myself for everything that went wrong when in truth he was emotionally, and at times physically, abusive and also controlling. I had stayed over with him at our old flat a few times and since I moved in here he stayed twice including last night. Each time we spent time together we ended up arguing but I tried to ignore this and took the blame for everything. Last night we had a drink together while DD was in bed. We argued and things got completely out of hand. He tried to leave taking my mobile phone (only means of contact I have) which is something he often uses as a form of control. When I tried to take my phone from him he was kicking and punching me, spat in my face, called me names, kicked me to the ground and left me there winded and crying. He left when 2 of my friends were on their way round at about 4am. He came back after they left because he couldn't get home. I was exhausted so just let him sleep in another room. This morning I was a mess, crying and apologising, begging him to make up with me. I'm bruised and aching all over. I just feel emotionally drained. I didn't feel I could phone the police at any point (have done twice in the past) because he threatened to make up lies. I also felt horribly guilty the other times I called even though I was right to do it. I know I've let this happen time and time again but I'm just looking for some hand holding from people who might understand why I keep getting pulled back in. I'm so so sad and have spent most of the day crying. I'm going to contact Women's Aid tomorrow. They gave me immediate support when I left a few months ago but I didn't follow it up, thought I could deal with it on my own.

[Adarajames]

Crying when you're in shock, scared and had your life upside down doesn't negate all the amazingly strong things your doing, and sometimes it's good to let it out in tears.
Glad you've someone coming tomorrow to give you support, just take it each minute at a time x

[43percentburnt]

That's good that womens aid are visiting. Are you still getting family support?

Just take it little by little. I find radio 4 womens hour or the plays usually keep me entertained. Look at their website you can listen to them as podcasts. It may distract you.

Keep strong op. Xx

[SuperLoveFuzz]

It didn't take too long for me to take him back after this, then we split up again then he moved back in with me and DD early this year. Things were ok, even good, for a while. Things declined over time, I kept most of it hidden from my friends and family because I had worked so hard to convince them the previous incidents were my fault too and that he was a good person. Him not working, the drug addiction, the emotional abuse, physical abuse all came to a head over the last few weeks. He was arrested about 2 weeks ago for smashing my phone and threatening me, released due to lack of evidence. I forgave him again, kept hold of the hopes I had for us moving forward as a family. Last night he demanded money, I refused as we had hardly anything left and it would have been for weed. He threatened to phone the police and lie about me to get me arrested if I didn't give it. I needed to get away from this, gathered up stuff and got DD out her cot and tried to leave to go to my mum's. He physically stopped me going, tried to grab Dd off me. I kept a hold of her but was so worried she was going to get hurt. He grabbed my free arm and harshly twisted it up my back. I lost my footing and DD jerked back. Luckily I kept hold of her and she wasn't hurt, but she was frightened and started screaming. I couldn't keep this physical fight over Dd going and risk her getting hurt so I left alone and went the phone box and called the police. They came with an ambulance to check over Dd (she's fine). He was arrested and was howling and crying. The whole episode was horrific. He has again been released without charge. My landlord has removed him from the lease due to the violence and my parents supervised him taking his stuff out of our flat. I'm at my parents with DD. there is no going back now, I made excuses and was weak before but DD could have been hurt. Yet I am devastated and feel guilty. I still love him and in many ways still keep feeling it is all my fault even though logically I know this isn't true. Reading through this thread has helped a bit already. I can't believe how sure I sounded on some of those old posts and I still took him back. Even though I feel sure now, I am scared I will again. Please help me feel better and stronger.

[crossparsley]

You are better and stronger. I don't have direct experience of what you've been going through but I admire you. You will get through this.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thank you crossparsley

[GotABitTricky]

shudders down my spine reading post 3 up from this.
leaving kid for few minutes must have been awful, but great police turned up so quick, but don't understand why police keep releasing him.

stay strong. and stay safe at your parents

[SuperLoveFuzz]

It was awful leaving DD with him but I knew he wasn't going to let me take her and I didn't want her getting hurt or witnessing any more violence. The police took about 10/15 mins to arrive and standing in the street waiting was hell. Even when they did arrive it got almost to the point of the door being broken down. DD is safe and happy, I need to focus on that!
Thanks for replying GotABitTricky

[Whatsforsupper]

Gosh, its a year since you first posted, sadly it appears he's ramped his abuse up considerably. It sounds horrendous.

I think you know what you've got to do. No contact. Maybe a court order related to your daughter. Most importantly you cannot spend time with this so called man.

I'd start with some type of protection order followed by women's aid. I believe the freedom program is also recommended for women in abusive relationships.

Lastly, I'd maybe try to stay away from relationships till you've managed to heal some what. You can and will do this. You deserve a happy life.

Good luck.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thank you whatsforsupper
I'm going to Women's Aid on Monday.
I also briefly discussed the best way to ensure I have legal custody over DD with the police, so will talk about this with WA and seek legal advice.
It feels different this time. I am more angry with him and less upset. I feel stronger. It won't be easy but DD needs me.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Is anyone reading? Any more advice or kind words would help a lot

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thank you Baffledmumtoday
I have so many mixed emotions. I feel extremely guilty for dragging DD (and myself) through this again.
It is hard to shake the feeling that this is my fault or I could have done things differently to avoid this. I hope in time I will feel better about myself and the decisions I've made.
I think I got so used to the situation and walking on eggshells that it just felt normal. Every time I have called the police I immediately felt Like I'd overreacted. Looking at this written down and rereading old posts makes me realise how serious it has actually been and how it is not at all normal.
Thank you all

[AyeAmarok]

Women's Aid then speak to the police.

I think that if you tell them that you don't want neighbours to know because they knew in your last place the police will understand.

Don't give yourself a hard time.

Okay so you went back to him, and it was a terrible decision. Most people I know have gone back to things that they knew were bad for them at some point in their lives. It rarely works but sometimes you need to do or to know that it will never work.

You've done that now. You know. You've got out alive and you'll learn from it. Be kind to yourself.

[tipsytrifle]

I think perhaps you should give yourself a hard time. It can't be as bad as the shit "he's" put you through. You need to get a very firm grip on your addiction to him. Never mind his addiction to weed.

You jeopardised your new home and now you don't want to go back? Don't throw away your new home; it is rare and hard won. Claim it back, change locks if necessary and make your stand. Your life, your home.

Get neighbours onside rather than seeing them as a greater enemy than your x - what's that about anyway?

I'm sure you know all this. Just my abrupt sagittarian way.

[trackrBird]

It is very serious.

Keep away from him for your daughter's sake. She needs stability and kindness in her life. She does not need to see her mum hurt, or worse. So please keep away this time, permanently, for her. She can't make choices. You can, and must, whatever you feel or think you feel about him.

Stay safe and don't hesitate to call police again if you're at risk.

[MamaMotherMummy]

You and your DD deserve a better life. To put it bluntly, you become an abuser of your DD if you go back to him and force her to watch him doing all these horrible things to you. Would you want your DD to accept the abuse you used to accept? Of course not. Would you tell DD it was all her fault if some man was beating her? Never.

You'd probably cover her in kisses and tell her how wonderful she is and that she deserves a man who will take good care of her and never lay a finger on her. Try to find that deep love you have for DD and her welfare and see if you can give some of that love to yourself. Take all that unconditional love you gave to him, which he did not want to accept, and give it to yourself.

You deserve it

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I think you need to accept (quite rightly) that you cannot do this alone. Trying to do it alone, means you risk going back to him, and that is not an option.

Enlist all the help you can get - friends, family, women's aid, police, mumsnet - whatever it takes.

Focus less on feeling guilty about about him - he doesn't count, and deserves NO consideration - if you need to feel guilty about anyone let it be your daughter, you, and your family, who must be beside themselves. Therse are the lovely people whose feelings you should be considering; not the feelings of a worthless piece of scum.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thank you all. My parents are extremely supportive and have said me and DD can stay here for days/weeks/months until I feel strong enough to return to the flat alone. It might not be clear to some of you (sorry my fault) that this was a thread I started a year ago and have restarted now that this has come up again. Logically I know I should not feel guilty but it is hard to shake the feelings that have become ingrained after his constant emotional abuse.
My DD is innocent in all this and she has been through too much already. I have been selfish to return to him but I hope people can understand and forgive me for that, it has been horribly difficult.

[Atenco]

Your dd is seriously at risk from this man. He is the only person capable of sorting himself out, but even if he comes back in some future saying that he has done so, do you really think you should risk your child again? From the description of this last fight, she nearly got very severely injured, apart from the trauma of witnessing his violence to you. Please put her above your own feelings and those of this monster who is her father.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh goodness, I'm so sad reading this. Sad for you that you feel so bound to this fucking idiot, and that you believe you love him despite his continuous abuse of you. It may take until he starts on your DD for you to actually cut ties with him completely, and I really hope it doesn't.

He does not love you, whatever he says - he just enjoys having you around to abuse whenever he feels like it.

How many times is the average a woman leaves her abuser before she stays away from him? I think it's 6 - it's too fucking many, that's for sure.

Your DD could have been hurt this time - that's once too often. You MUST speak to WA on Monday, as you've said, and you MUST do the freedom programme for both your sakes (yours and your DD) - and you have to accept that this is not love. This is dependence on someone who could kill you :(, as so many other victims of DV have been.

Please stay away from this utter loser.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Hi all. I wanted to give a quick update for those who gave me advice and anyone who might read this who is in a similar position. I have stayed away from my ex and have cut contact completely. I have offered contact (at his parent's house and arranged through them) which has happened once. He seems to have gradually faded out of the picture which I hope continues. Life is a hundred times better for me and DD. It was hard but it was worth it. Thank you all again for your advice, even if I felt some of it was harsh at the time, it wasn't. Particular thanks to MamaMotherMummy
The phrase 'you become an abuser of your DD if you go back to him' really stuck with me and kept me strong when I felt weak. Thank you all so much

[pocketsaviour]

Great update OP. So glad it's working out for you and DD.

[DoBananasWearPajamas]

So nice to read a thread that's ending well x

[FoxFeatures]

Well done and best wishes.