No sex, no idea what to do

[ClayGhost]

I don't know what to do. DH's work is one where we have to move country every 3-5years. He is not British. We have two DC under three.

DH doesn't touch me. He doesn't want to have sex with me. Last time we had sex was October 2013. Before that was Jan 2013 and before that was end of 2011. He loves me though and I him. He has started seeing a medically trained sexologist (ie I think he's also a gynaecologist, not a only a "counsellor") who says he has a naturally very low libido.

Him agreeing that he has a problem has taken years to arrive at and has gone through many, many iterations of me thinking it's all my fault (I'm now clear that it's not, but my self-esteem has been damaged). It's also a big deal because he finds it virtually impossible to discuss sex, including with me.

The sex was never frequent or earth shattering, but because I was secure in the fact that he loved me I thought it would come with time, so was patient - and I had NO idea that men wouldn't want sex (I know, I know).

So, DH had one appointment and the dr gave him his personal phone number (so no going through hospital secretary) because he wanted to see him before he went on a month's holiday. DH didn't call.

I know it's only a month, but it took two months from the time he was given the referral to actually call, and only then because I had a meltdown.

I've been looking into divorce, but it's extraordinarily complicated because neither of us are nationals of our current country and we didn't get married here either. I've not worked properly due to moving with his job for the past 7 years. I've got no family to speak of and no friends here. He has both. The house comes with his job. I can't see a way where it works out ok for me. I literally have nowhere to go. Additionally, I cannot leave this country with the kids, without his written agreement. Because of our lifestyle, I don't really have anywhere to "return" to anyway - my friends are literally all over the world.

I'm finding it harder and harder to continue. Today I've just been trying not to cry the whole day. I have started to think that there's no point in even living anymore. I've felt down about it for a long, long time (and he knows this) but never this down. I've told my GP and she essentially thinks that the level of stress this has put on me is at least a contributing factor to my health problems at the moment.

I don't want to go on antidepressants, because taking a pill everyday should not be the solution to my marriage and it would be a daily reminder too. I do love him too so I don't really want to divorce, in addition to the massive difficulties that would cause.

And I HATE how people (especially visiting in-laws) see me down or irritated and think I'm unreasonable, I have a beautiful life, a husband who does lots with the kids etc, when behind the scenes I'm struggling with the fact that my DH hasn't so much as touched my arm for over a year.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just need to tell someone I guess.

[UptheChimney]

remaining with a great guy who I love and finding great sex with other guys

Thing is, that you want a full marriage with this man, and he's not reciprocating. The situation you're in wasn't what you signed up for, and you're not unreasonable to see this as a problem that is central.

I think even if you found sex with someone else,you may find that's it's not the act itself (or lack of it) that's the problem.

I really feel for you, as you've made all the compromises in your marriage, and by going wholeheartedly into it (changing countries etc) you've made yourself quite vulnerable & dependent. And your OH hasn't acknwledged that or reciprocated.

[FantasticButtocks]

Can you think again about massage? If you were to say to him I understand you don't want sex etc but I require some physical tenderness and comfort so I will be needing you to give me a proper massage once a week. He could go and have one himself first so he knows how it should feel, or even better he could do a course so he learns how to do it properly... If he agreed to this he might start to feel more comfortable about the intimacy, and the giving of pleasure.

This would put him on the spot about whether he actually cares about you and the marriage enough to actually put himself out and try something different.

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

I'm sorry but it does sound as though he may be Asexual.
Some people who identify as Asexual can enjoy sex, on a physical level, but don't typically experience attraction.

There is a spectrum of Asexuality, ranging between demi or "grey" Asexual, who are able to occasionally enjoy sex within a certain set of circumstances, to fully Asexual, who never want or need sex and find the idea confusing or repulsive.

Lots of people never realise they could be somewhere on this spectrum, as the definition of Asexuality is often over-simplified.