If you found out after many years of marriage that your dh had in the past sexually assaulted another woman...

[mosp]

...what would you do? Would you refuse to believe it? What if you found that on balance it was likely to be true, what would you do? If you had 3 children and you really thought your life was normal.

[Message from MNHQ. The OP has asked us to make posters aware that she is onomatophobic about a certain word, and unable to deal with seeing it written down. Please read the full thread before responding.]

what do you mean by disclosure?

to disclose the assault to the therapist, to the point that the therapist can understand at least the outline of what happened.

i have to go offline now, but whatever you write here, i will read and try to respond. i am on a different time zone to the uk so will be around till odd times. x

Part of the reason I love mn is that I can type in silence. It doesn't matter if I cry or can't speak. I go mute when the sorrow goes this deep. I'm better at writing than speaking.

It is SO hard to speak of this out loud.

But please know that out loud is where you need to aim for.

To yourself first.

Yes, I know that's hard...

mosp have you tried the therapy where you follow a little red light with your eyes while thinking in silence about aspects of the assault? So sorry I can't remember what the therapy is called, it's used with PTSD. Perhaps someone else can help?

Anyway I tried it and was very sceptical but it made a massive difference. Somehow it helps the brain sort the memory and my event no longer triggers the level of emotions that it once did.

Xx

It's called EMDR, jenniferjane.

Hope you're feeling better today, mosp.

Hello mosp.

You need closure. This is tormenting you and you can stop it. There are two ways to go about stopping it.

Therapy and coming to terms with the fact you will never get that apology. Never get answers. It won't happen.

Or you can choose to find your voice. The voice of one that was assaulted and carries it inside. You can tell the whole world what he did if you want. You don't have to protect anyone but yourself. Nor do you have to answer to anyone but yourself.

However. If you choose the second option you would need to be prepared for the fall out. Those that find out may not believe you. They may be hurtful. You might not feel better for it.

You need to work out what's for the best and I'd advise a professional to help you decide what you need to do to get closure.

I went for the second option. I messaged him on Facebook. He didn't respond. Then I outed him in Facebook. Reason being I had all my family on my fb and so his too and I wanted everyone to know what he was.

The fall out was huge and unpleasant. But that has settled down now and shown me who should be in my life and who shouldn't. I cut a lot of people off and have closer bonds with others. I don't regret it for a second and I'm proud of myself for standing up for the child I was when no one else did. I no longer have certain people in my life but I haven't lost anyone but they weren't worth losing.

I had counselling throughout however.

One thing that may help is to try to think about what you would want your dd's to do if it was them. As a mother I know what I would do if god forbid anyone hurt mine. And I know what I would want them to do too.

If you go for the first option you have to follow it through. Ensure he can have no contact with you whatsoever. With therapy work on accepting that people don't change and they won't do what's right or what you would like. You can change however. You can change how much effect you allow them to have on your life. That is where you have the control. And once you get there any intruding thoughts or questions you have to learn how to put them out of your head. They are only thoughts.

And please don't think about ending anything. Why should you be the one to feel that way whilst he gets on with his life. Focus on you and believe in karma. I know I do.

X

I need closure, yes. I don't see that happening. This has gone on so many years, I have rotted inside. I wish I could speak out but my phobia impedes me.
My mind is whirling. I just want to be dead and out an end to all this agony :(

thinking of you mosp.

please ring 999 and tell them you are suicidal. you are precious: you need and deserve care to get through this time.

That's just it mosp. You want to end the agony. Not want to die. That's just the only option you feel you have at the moment.

Don't use that word. You don't have to. There are other words. If speaking out will give you the closure you need then do it.

Mosp I've been on mn for 13 years and I've seen you threads and sometimes I've commented. You've never been able to speak of what happened before, but you are now able to

That's such a huge leap forward for you
You are coming to terms with it, slowly, but you are

We are always here for you, no judging or harsh words here my lovely. You can do this, because you are